Miles Away...
So...
No one ever told me this would be so hard. So hard to sit by, to listen to their voices when they don't know I can hear them, over only a couple hundred miles but years of distance. So hard to be so far away from the people I once loved so much. To realize they don't need me, and never will, and that life is lonely and scary and that's that. Other things will take precedence- momentary smiles, laughter, high points- but I have realized that I'm just one of those people that will always feel alone in a crowded room.
Not that no one misses me. Not that no one needs me. He does. That should be worth it all, should make everything okay. He misses me and loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and gives me everything I've ever wanted. And he IS enough. He's far more than enough. I hope he never thinks otherwise. But I miss him too, and that doesn't make this better.
I never thought that I'd regret the only good decision, the only SELFISH decision I've ever really made. With three weeks to go, I'm looking around me and realizing I may have made a terrible choice. I gave up two years, two whole years of my life I can never have back, and for what? To be miles away, physically and emotionally, from the only real friends I have ever had? To lose thousands of hours as a child with my parents, to grow up too fast yet AGAIN? To work my ass off, only to get into the same college I would have back home, with a lower GPA and less scholarships? What was it worth? What good was any of it? More pressure, more hell, in what were supposed to be the best years of my life. I've devoted myself to lofty dreams and the happiness of others my entire life. And here I am, disappointed in myself, broken up, and terrified.
I guess I just give too much of myself away, bit by bit, over and over. I've handed so much away that when it comes down to it, I have nothing left for myself. I need some wide open spaces, and some alone time, and a chance to breathe...
And yet, being alone only pushes me down. The breathing sounds good though, the space. I need to clear my head and think. Think so I don't make another decision that I'll regret when it's too late to take it back.
God, this crying in the hours I have alone three times a week has become routine. I'm not sure if it's something I should stop; I don't feel depressed. It helps...somehow. It's a release. Maybe it's not so bad.
I put myself out there on asking Jon if he wants to live together in college. I really wanted him to say more than he did, but I knew I shouldn't expect it. He hid under that hat, said he'd think about it. I guess that's all I can ask for now.
Okay. I'm okay. I need to pull myself together.
No one ever told me this would be so hard. So hard to sit by, to listen to their voices when they don't know I can hear them, over only a couple hundred miles but years of distance. So hard to be so far away from the people I once loved so much. To realize they don't need me, and never will, and that life is lonely and scary and that's that. Other things will take precedence- momentary smiles, laughter, high points- but I have realized that I'm just one of those people that will always feel alone in a crowded room.
Not that no one misses me. Not that no one needs me. He does. That should be worth it all, should make everything okay. He misses me and loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and gives me everything I've ever wanted. And he IS enough. He's far more than enough. I hope he never thinks otherwise. But I miss him too, and that doesn't make this better.
I never thought that I'd regret the only good decision, the only SELFISH decision I've ever really made. With three weeks to go, I'm looking around me and realizing I may have made a terrible choice. I gave up two years, two whole years of my life I can never have back, and for what? To be miles away, physically and emotionally, from the only real friends I have ever had? To lose thousands of hours as a child with my parents, to grow up too fast yet AGAIN? To work my ass off, only to get into the same college I would have back home, with a lower GPA and less scholarships? What was it worth? What good was any of it? More pressure, more hell, in what were supposed to be the best years of my life. I've devoted myself to lofty dreams and the happiness of others my entire life. And here I am, disappointed in myself, broken up, and terrified.
I guess I just give too much of myself away, bit by bit, over and over. I've handed so much away that when it comes down to it, I have nothing left for myself. I need some wide open spaces, and some alone time, and a chance to breathe...
And yet, being alone only pushes me down. The breathing sounds good though, the space. I need to clear my head and think. Think so I don't make another decision that I'll regret when it's too late to take it back.
God, this crying in the hours I have alone three times a week has become routine. I'm not sure if it's something I should stop; I don't feel depressed. It helps...somehow. It's a release. Maybe it's not so bad.
I put myself out there on asking Jon if he wants to live together in college. I really wanted him to say more than he did, but I knew I shouldn't expect it. He hid under that hat, said he'd think about it. I guess that's all I can ask for now.
Okay. I'm okay. I need to pull myself together.