(no subject)
"Looks like it's just one of those kind of days
You can't kick me down
I'm already on the ground
No, you can't
'Cause you couldn't catch me anyhow
Blue skies, but the sun isn't coming out no
Today it's like I'm under a heavy cloud
And I feel so alive
I can't help myself
Don't you realize?
I just want to scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah..."
Oxygen is far too difficult to obtain. This is one of those days where even the nearly involuntary effort of breathing is just too much to deal with.
I want to give up. I'm tired, I'm beaten...but I can't. It's not in my nature. I say it's fine, I say I don't care. I rattle on, cool and composed with a fragile but noticeable smile. But inside, I'm screaming, waving my arms. "I'm not okay, can't you see that this is killing me?"
I feel like I'm being buried alive. "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, I REFUSE to die." I'm suffocating, being crushed under the weight of numbers and expectations. My books, my dreams, my future...they're all too heavy. I don't know what I would do if people stopped encouraging me, because I have no faith in myself left to rely on.
What I wouldn't give for normal teenage angst. What I wouldn't give to trade in this adult world I became entwined with far, far too early. I just want to be a kid, for one moment. My childhood is slipping through my fingers like water, and all my grasping is for naught. And now, here I stand, almost a woman, and I never learned to be a child.
I'm faced with failure for the first time in my life. This feeling is foreign to me; another country, another language, another culture...they were all easier for me to understand than this. This absolutely miserable state, this admission that indeed they were all wrong. I CAN'T do anything I want. I can't be what they want me to be, or even what I want me to be. My dreams are shattered on the ground before me, and now I'm frustrated enough to stomp on them and walk away. I want to surrender to this, but the basis of my very being fights the urge. Must be better, must work harder, must succeed...failure is not an option. Failure is never an option. I will accept nothing less than my best.
But if failure isn't an option, how will I get out of this? What if this really is my best? What if I'm just not good enough?
I'm drowning in my doubts.
I want to laugh and smile and be happy...just one more time. I know life is hard, I know it doesn't lend one any time for joy. I know this world only takes the best and leaves the rest to suffer in the dark. But God, is it too much to ask to really smile?
I'm starting to forget that warmth again.
God, please don't let me drown.
You can't kick me down
I'm already on the ground
No, you can't
'Cause you couldn't catch me anyhow
Blue skies, but the sun isn't coming out no
Today it's like I'm under a heavy cloud
And I feel so alive
I can't help myself
Don't you realize?
I just want to scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah..."
Oxygen is far too difficult to obtain. This is one of those days where even the nearly involuntary effort of breathing is just too much to deal with.
I want to give up. I'm tired, I'm beaten...but I can't. It's not in my nature. I say it's fine, I say I don't care. I rattle on, cool and composed with a fragile but noticeable smile. But inside, I'm screaming, waving my arms. "I'm not okay, can't you see that this is killing me?"
I feel like I'm being buried alive. "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, I REFUSE to die." I'm suffocating, being crushed under the weight of numbers and expectations. My books, my dreams, my future...they're all too heavy. I don't know what I would do if people stopped encouraging me, because I have no faith in myself left to rely on.
What I wouldn't give for normal teenage angst. What I wouldn't give to trade in this adult world I became entwined with far, far too early. I just want to be a kid, for one moment. My childhood is slipping through my fingers like water, and all my grasping is for naught. And now, here I stand, almost a woman, and I never learned to be a child.
I'm faced with failure for the first time in my life. This feeling is foreign to me; another country, another language, another culture...they were all easier for me to understand than this. This absolutely miserable state, this admission that indeed they were all wrong. I CAN'T do anything I want. I can't be what they want me to be, or even what I want me to be. My dreams are shattered on the ground before me, and now I'm frustrated enough to stomp on them and walk away. I want to surrender to this, but the basis of my very being fights the urge. Must be better, must work harder, must succeed...failure is not an option. Failure is never an option. I will accept nothing less than my best.
But if failure isn't an option, how will I get out of this? What if this really is my best? What if I'm just not good enough?
I'm drowning in my doubts.
I want to laugh and smile and be happy...just one more time. I know life is hard, I know it doesn't lend one any time for joy. I know this world only takes the best and leaves the rest to suffer in the dark. But God, is it too much to ask to really smile?
I'm starting to forget that warmth again.
God, please don't let me drown.