ABG Texts From Last Night, Part 1
First post from the Pledge tentatively self-titled Bitrex...
Okay, so I'm posting these and giving my fellow 'Bros a crack at them first.
I went through pages and pages and PAGES of the best that Texts From Last Night had to offer and I *NEED* to see these like I need *oxygen*. Some made me laugh, some made me groan, ALL made me want to fistpump and shout "ABG! ABG! ABG!" (Which I may or may not have actually done at my computer...Yes...)
Keep in mind these are NOT corrected for spelling, grammar, or well, correctness generally. They are as they are.
Part 1 is the TFLN that made me nearly wet myself laughing. Part 2 will be anything law-enforcement-related (Capt. Fury FTEW!), and Part 3 will be anything alcohol- or drinking-related or drug- or intoxication-related that's not already here.
(514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
(410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
(760): my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
(906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
(703): I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
(703): exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
(617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears...
I think that involves you guys.
(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
(970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
(207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
(712): The police scanner is talking about you again....
(714): we're chasing vodka with high fives
(813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
(1-813): I ordered a moonbounce.
(813): Fuck, you win.
(703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
(703): Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
(318): Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
(504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
(703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
(262): how else could I explain the last few years
(540): Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.
(540): My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
(315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
(240): today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
(SEE ALSO: "Bad Life Decision Wednesday")
(928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
(303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
(217): The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
(703): i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
(660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
(816):...So we should take it off Youtube?
(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
(703): Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
(615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
(610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
(516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
(801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
(305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
#andyoujustKNOWhe'sdonethis
(913): hows the party?
(816): ists fjcssing insceredle
(913): be there in 10
(571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
(703): and miss being on the news....no way
(908): the vacuum is drunk
(703): what?
(908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
(205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
(1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
(205): This explains so much.
(704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
(419): On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
(419): its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
(917): what kind of party is this?
(610): the best kind ever
(225):i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
(1-225): whats a bus flip?
(225): idk but apparently i invented it
(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie
(305): false alarm. still invincible.
(905): found the other keg... it's in the tree
(916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
(513): Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
(484): Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
(720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
(701): There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
(540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
(703): I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
(419): Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
(419): There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
(908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
(603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Let me know your favorites in the comments--I'm curious if I share a brain with anyone...LOL ;)
Okay, so I'm posting these and giving my fellow 'Bros a crack at them first.
I went through pages and pages and PAGES of the best that Texts From Last Night had to offer and I *NEED* to see these like I need *oxygen*. Some made me laugh, some made me groan, ALL made me want to fistpump and shout "ABG! ABG! ABG!" (Which I may or may not have actually done at my computer...Yes...)
Keep in mind these are NOT corrected for spelling, grammar, or well, correctness generally. They are as they are.
Part 1 is the TFLN that made me nearly wet myself laughing. Part 2 will be anything law-enforcement-related (Capt. Fury FTEW!), and Part 3 will be anything alcohol- or drinking-related or drug- or intoxication-related that's not already here.
(514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
(410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
(760): my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
(906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
(703): I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
(703): exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
(617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears...
I think that involves you guys.
(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
(970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
(207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
(712): The police scanner is talking about you again....
(714): we're chasing vodka with high fives
(813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
(1-813): I ordered a moonbounce.
(813): Fuck, you win.
(703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
(703): Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
(318): Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
(504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
(703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
(262): how else could I explain the last few years
(540): Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.
(540): My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
(315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
(240): today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
(SEE ALSO: "Bad Life Decision Wednesday")
(928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
(303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
(217): The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
(703): i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
(660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
(816):...So we should take it off Youtube?
(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
(703): Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
(615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
(610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
(516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
(801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
(305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
#andyoujustKNOWhe'sdonethis
(913): hows the party?
(816): ists fjcssing insceredle
(913): be there in 10
(571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
(703): and miss being on the news....no way
(908): the vacuum is drunk
(703): what?
(908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
(205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
(1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
(205): This explains so much.
(704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
(419): On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
(419): its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
(917): what kind of party is this?
(610): the best kind ever
(225):i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
(1-225): whats a bus flip?
(225): idk but apparently i invented it
(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie
(305): false alarm. still invincible.
(905): found the other keg... it's in the tree
(916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
(513): Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
(484): Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
(720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
(701): There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
(540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
(703): I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
(419): Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
(419): There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
(908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
(603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Let me know your favorites in the comments--I'm curious if I share a brain with anyone...LOL ;)