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[messiah_me]

Everyone but Wesley left the room. I was actually glad that we were alone. "Wesley." I started as I looked to him. "I know you want me to rest, but I honestly am tapped out on rest, I think I would much rather go for a walk, or I don't know have a drink." I could tell that Wesley didn't want this, that he wanted me to lay down, play the sickly

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[_wes_pryce_]

Some say. Not the away I just completely given my life over to her should I be incapable of making my own choices. No. ‘Some say’. That’s like saying I’m allowed to tell them that she doesn’t like her coffee this or that way. I guess that makes it clear how she really feels about me and my ability to make choices for someone else. For her.

“Yes they were,” I say instead. “We could’ve saved you a lot sooner, could’ve spared a lot of pain if they’d have let me take you out of that hospital. But aside from Nia no one would listen to me. That is…until Willow and Angel showed up of course. “

Me? Bitter about the super heroes swooping in and ordering me around so they can safe my girl? Of course not. I’m happy that Cordy is safe, don’t get me wrong. But I had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all. Useless, worthless, git. “But you’re safe now, and I guess that’s the whole point isn’t it?”

Yes, because who cares how I felt when this happened. Or Groo, or Lorne or whomever else. Let’s quickly move on and forget that I told her how afraid I was, how scared, how she nearly died and I couldn’t do anything about that. Because that’s such an easy thing to just step over and forget about.

“I love you, Cordelia. I don’t like seeing you like that and then be rendered utterly useless by the rest. I needed to do something to help you and that wasn’t allowed. All I could do was hold your bloody hand and even that wasn’t enough.” Damn near crushed it, that’s what. It still hurts like the bloody hell.

[messiah_me]

"I honestly wish you had been the one to help me. I don't like the fact that the one person I didn't trust had to be the one to save me, but she did." I told him as I sat down on the edge of the bed.

I finally looked up at him and whispered the next statement. "Doesn't matter what happened, you save me every night in my dreams." Ok did I really just say that outloud? No matter how cheesy it was the truth.

I didn't know what else to say. Honestly I wasn't usually the one to talk sense into people, I was usually the one judging them. Maybe this whole thing, the nearly dying has changed me...I just wish it didn't hurt the one person I loved in the process.

[_wes_pryce_]

“It’s not about who saved you,” I sighed. “It’s about the… never mind.” I’m giving up. I can talk until I’m blue in the face, it’s not going to change a bloody thing. It still happened, I still failed to help her. I was still not allowed to help her much. I was still not allowed to make any kind of choice when it came to my woman. I was still…. Brushed aside. Only Nia and possibly Lorne knew what would’ve been the better option.

Running a hand through my hair, I sink down on the bed next to her bone tired. I’ve not slept from the time this happened. And trying to help her and reigning in my anger and frustration had worn me out. Took far to much energy to do that, even though she is worth it every time.

“Are you sure those are dreams and not nightmares?” I mutter, letting out a sigh that seems to come from my toes. Me saving her at the moment sounds like a joke to me. I wish I’d been the one to save her. Even just once, and from now on I’m going to make certain she’s not going to be *needing* any saving.

[messiah_me]

"I know its not about who saved me, its that you feel like you failed me and no one else gave you the chance to try to help...I get it really I do, I just don't want you sick now because you were so upset at thinking you failed me." I wanted to say so much more, but I didn't know if it would help...not that the thought of not helping has ever stopped me from what I wanted to say.

"Wesley, I am positive they are dreams. Since the day you first kissed me, yes though it wasn't the best, I have quietly wondered if you and I could ever work. As much as it shocks you to hear this, I didn't say anything, I didn't want to risk the friendship we had if I was wrong because honestly, losing you as a friend would be worse then dying..."

I turned to him my hand on his knee as I continued. "Wesley I love you, and I know that I will love you more each day that goes by. No one else has ever cared so much for me the way you have..." Part of me wondered why I was being this open with my actual feelings, it wasn't my nature, back in sunnydale it was all about who could I tear down to build myself up, now I have changed...what 3 years will do to a person.

[_wes_pryce_]

“I’m not sick,” I pointed out reasonably. “You were the one that was sick.” To the point where she was nearly dying. And all I could do was watch. I’m not a watcher anymore. I’ve given that up the moment I’d been fired by the bloody council. And I refused to be a watcher the next time - and there wouldn’t be a next time - the woman I loved was nearly dying.

Automatically, I put my much larger hand over her smaller one and wondered when she’d turned into such a sap. Wasn’t that usually my job? I’d be a wuss, as she called it, and then she’d doubt my masculinity. Then we’d end up bickering till Angel would intervene. I guess we’ve not been like that a long time now. We grew up, much to fast in this world.

“That kiss was a complete cockup,” I said amused. “It was a disaster as you were always so fond of pointing out to me and anyone else who’d like to hear. You never let me forget it. How could you have wondered then? You silly girl, there’s no need to lie. It was horrible and you wanted to forget it as fast as you could.” It was a complete disaster wasn’t it? Good lord, how young we had been then. Both of us.

“Now that second kiss…” I said, letting my voice trail off with a raised eyebrow.

[messiah_me]

I listened to him speak, his tone soft and different from the beginning of this conversation. I liked this much better than the fighting. "I know I was the one that was sick, and the fact that you were by my side, that means a lot to me." i explain.

I could tell he was deep in thought, probably musing over the fact that I have turned into a complete sap lately. I can't help it, I saw the other side, death, I don't want to ever expierence that again, I also know that someday I will have to, however I was going to live life to the fullest till then.

Funny thing, I was the one now lost in thought, when he was the one talking about our kisses, that is what snapped me out of it. "Hey now, I didn't say I liked the kiss and yes I did try to wipe it from my mind, but there were times when I wondered if we could ever have a second chance...when we did get that, well what can I say, it was well worth the wait. Not that I have waited for much anything in my life, but the one time I did...it was worth it."

I turned to him as I moved my hand to take his in it. "I'm sorry" I whispered "That you were so worried." I added now coming full circle back to what started the whole conversation.

[_wes_pryce_]

“I’d never leave your side when you’re ill. Except when you kick me out, in which case you can’t be very sick.” Hell, when they were all running out to kick some Wolfram and Hart arse I wasn’t going to join them. I wanted to make certain Cordelia was alright. Wolfram and Hart would still be there after that. I wonder how that went, we’ve not heard anything yet.

I have to smile when she says it was worth the wait, because we both know she hasn’t been waiting for me. She was just as surprised as I was when I suddenly turned up here in Los Angeles. Funny how the fates sometimes twist and turn and you end up full circle. No matter what you do, some thing are probably meant to be.

When she takes my hand, I squeeze hers a little bit, moving my free arm around her shoulders. “It wasn’t your fault,’ I sigh, leaning against her, needing to feel her near. “Just, don’t do it again for while please?” Turning my head, I put my forehead against hers and drop a kiss on her nose. For a while, we both know that’s the best we can ask for in our line of work.

[messiah_me]

I smile at him when he says that. "Just don't give me reason to and I won't kick you out." I said with a smile, I was completely joking, but I didn't know if he caught that. "Look, Wes, I don't know why, but you have made my life so much better, I would be lost without you...so you never have to worry, I won't ask you to leave....unless you piss me off." I add knowing full well even then I couldn't get him to leave.

I sat there a moment taking all of this in, taking his touch, his kiss on the tip of my nose, and everything in, I couldn't imagine giving this up, or even being without this for a moment. "I will do my best, you know I have no control over these things, and how much I hate to admit that."

I could feel my body telling me that I was tired, I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to continue talking, but I knew I couldn't. "Wesley..." I whispered. "Can you take me home?" I wanted to just be with him, in his arms, and resting.

[_wes_pryce_]

My eyebrows raised when she told me not to give her a reason to kick me out. I think in the past I’ve given her plenty of reasons, considering she’d threatened with it more then once. Well, that and sleeping on the sofa. I’m not even taking it serious anymore. I think I’d recognize if it were serious. I think we’d both be to stubborn to throw the other out though, one of us would leave.

I seriously hope it’ll never come to that.

“You love it when I…errr…piss you off,” I murmured, rubbing my hand over her arm. I could feel her slump a little. See? If she’d just done what I’d told her from the start, which was to take it easy and rest, she’d not be so worn out now. Nor would we’d have that fight. Women, I am completely lost when it comes to them at times.

“Of course I can, Sweetheart,” I whisper back, pressing a kiss on her forehead. Maybe we can see how the rest is doing on our way out. At least leave them a message where we went. Wouldn’t want them to worry unnecessarily. “Do you need to get anything before we go?”

[messiah_me]

"I wouldn't have it any other way." I said in response to his comment about pissing me off. "And before you say it, yes you were right, I should have rested...I will start listening to you from now on."

I leaned against him, not sure why I was so weak, but it didn't matter, I had Wesley, who would get me home, make sure I don't do anything else stupid. "No, I don't need anything else, just leave a note for Angel say Hey I am the boss and I will be back when I get back and lets go home." I suggested. No sense in Angel worrying for no reason, though I think he should worry about more than just Willow.