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[messiah_me]

Everyone but Wesley left the room. I was actually glad that we were alone. "Wesley." I started as I looked to him. "I know you want me to rest, but I honestly am tapped out on rest, I think I would much rather go for a walk, or I don't know have a drink." I could tell that Wesley didn't want this, that he wanted me to lay down, play the sickly

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[_wes_pryce_]

Go for a walk or have a drink? I think her brain might be more infected then she's letting on. Not, mind you, that I'll ever say that out loud. At least not now. I'm to tired myself after everything that has happened. After all that worrying and it's still not over. The rest went over to Wolfram and Hart; Willow might be out there on some deep, dark, magical rampage.

"What look?" I ask, giving her a confused look. I have a look now? I wasn't giving her 'a look'. Raising my eyebrow, I lean back a little and listen to her talk about Willow. A bit hard to believe that this is the same Cordelia who's been so hard on her until now. I guess getting close to losing your... What am I saying, I know first hand what it's like to nearly die. You'll learn to appreciate certain things in your life.

"I never said I didn't give Willow any credit," I replied calmly after she made her little speech. "I only said that she made her choice, knowing the consequences of said choice. It was her choice to make, it are her consequences she has to live with. And all we can do is be there for her if needed."

There might have been other options, but we didn't have much time. It wasn't as though I didn't appreciate what Willow had one, far from it. But I also wasn't fooled by the fact that everyone seemed to think that Willow considered the consequences, because I don’t think she really did.

[messiah_me]

"Nevermind" I said annoyed. "Look, she has been this close before. She may not have even thought about that. Part of me wonders if she even considered that she may not come back from this."

I could see his side, and I know that he has seen a lot worse over the years, I just...I guess nearly dying changes a girl.

"So..." I said changing the subject since I don't want to fight anymore. "How about that drink." I added flashing my famous smile.

[_wes_pryce_]

Never mind? Why the bloody hell was she annoyed now? What was I supposed to do. Fall on my knees and woreship Willow? That was rather odd coming from Cordelia suddenly wasn’t it? “That is one of the things Willow has yet to learn,” I point out to her. “To consider the consequences before leaping into action. But since everyone here seems to have that habit….”

Angel and Gunn leap before they look. I can’t even remember how many bloody times I’ve urged them to make a plan. And how many times it almost went wrong when they just barged into the fray without a plan. I cannot stress the fact that people needed to think before they take action enough. Then again, maybe I think to much.

“Drink?” I blink at the sudden change of subject, rather unable to follow her sharp turn at times. One should think I’d be used to those by now. But I don’t think I ever will. At the moment all I can see is Cordelia laying in that bed, screaming and in pain. And there wasn’t a sodding thing I could do to help. Some protector I turned out to be. “I could use a bottle or two,” I mutter.

[messiah_me]

I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to avoid asking what was going through my mind, avoid finding out what really happened, what I couldn't see when all I could see was visions.

I wanted to know all of that, but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't want to know what I looked like and I didn't want to know that maybe somewhere deep down I probably deserved what I got, I probably had it coming from all the things I did in sunnydale, and all the things I said when Willow got her, how I wanted Angel to send her away.

"Wes." I whisper my whole mood changing showing what I have been trying to hide. "Am I a bad person?" I asked. "Am I still the girl from Sunnydale who didn't care who she hurt?"

[_wes_pryce_]

She seemed to be deep in thought suddenly. I tried not to disturb her, because god knows I'm usually the one deep in thought. And then I don't like to be disturbed either. Not that Cordelia usually takes any notice of that, but still. I can't help but wonder what she's thinking off though. Willow no doubt.

I could still use a bloody drink. I wonder if she'd be offended if I went to get that bottle of whiskey I've been hiding in my desk. It's a small fortune neither Gunn nor Angel has found it. I'm not sure Lorne likes it, but he should know better then to touch someone else's drink stach, so I doubt he'd touch it.

"What?" I look up, noticing I'd gone into though myself. Her question startles me, as well as puzzling. Raising my eyebrow, I blink at her. Is she serious? A small frown creases my brow as I reach out to take her hand. "Love, would I be with a bad person? You're not the same girl you were then. You've grown up, we all have."

There are still touches of the same Cordelia I met back then. Though, admittedly, there is without a doubt still some semblance with the man I was then. No matter how much of a fool I was back then, deep down it was still me.

[messiah_me]

"Ok so I am not the same girl. I am not the same Cordelia Chase, girl who would rather make those lesser than me suffer, but that doesn't help me stop thinking that I am in some way being punished." I told him.

"Wesley, I was horrible then, hell I was horrible when Willow got here, and somewhere, I know I read it, there is written that what you do to others comes back to you...and worse." I was pacing at this point. "I am not saying that I don't deserve it, I am just wondering if that is why these things keep happeneing."

I have to look away from him a tear falling. I used to be this hardened bitch, who never let anyone see my emotions. Especially after I caught Harris cheating on me, ironically with Willow, but now it seemed less important to hide those emotions.

I may still have some resentment for Willow, I mean she did steal my boyfriend in highschool, but aren't we all different people now? I just realized my thoughts have landed in a totally different place then when I started, none the less they all are about the same, it just seems I am finally getting what I deserve.

[_wes_pryce_]

What was going on here? I watched her pace around the room, asking what I presumed to be rhetorical questions. What was I supposed to say? It’s not as though I had much room to talk was it? I remember what it was like back in Sunnydale. I think I’ve a very different view of the Cordy then, than the rest of them. She was actually the only one who was nice to me.

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and pulled my glasses off. I had the urge to polish them for some reason. But instead I put them on the nightstand and kept watching her pace around. She seemed to draw into herself, which wasn’t something I was going to let her do. Not after everything we’ve gone through together.

I got up from the bed and put my arms around her from behind. I could tell she was getting emotional. I never really knew how to deal with that, I wasn’t very good when it came to crying women. Especially not Cordy. “Don’t you think getting those blasted visions the way you usually do is punishment enough?” I asked quietly, kissing the top of her head.

[messiah_me]

I relaxed against him, feeling a bit more relaxed now more than anything. "how do you do that?" I asked him as he managed to calm me down and help me feel less....insane.

"Look, if you want me to lay back down I will, but honetly, I have had enough 'rest' for 6 lifetimes."

[_wes_pryce_]

The corners of my mouth lift a little when she asks me how I do that. "Because I love you," I tell her honestly. Well that, and because I've gotten to know her through the years of course. I know Cordelia Chase, or most of her that is. I know what makes her...how do they put it? Tick? Odd saying.

"Ah but you see, if you lay down on the bed here with me, where I get to hold you," and make sure you're safe this time, "it's not really resting is it? It's...uhm...cudling?" I'll make damn sure she's safe from now on. Though I doubt I can keep an eye on her twenty four hours per day without her getting the urge to throw something at me, I'm going to bloody well try.

"Or are you saying you don't want that? You'd rather go for a walk in the park or some such. We can do that."

[messiah_me]

I turned to look him in the eyes, smiling once again at how good it felt to...well...not be in pain anymore. "You do realize I am not as dumb as you think I am." A wide smile moving across my face.

"To make you happy we can lay down, but don't think for one moment mister, that you will get me to do what you want all the time." I emphasized my point by wagging one finger and the other hand on my hip. Somehow I suddenly felt like my mother, oh god!

[_wes_pryce_]

Confused, I looked at Cordelia. I ran my sentence over in my head and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how she went from me simply wanting to hold her and keep her safe to *that*. “Not all men are the same, Cordelia,” I pointed out stiffly, unable to keep a small bit of hurt out of my eyes and voice.

Not in the mood to lie down and hold her if that was all she thought I wanted, I shrugged and sat up again. “Perhaps you’re right, perhaps we should go for that walk. I’m sure you’d like to stretch your legs.” Maybe she had meant it as a joke. But it hurt that she might think that all I wanted from her was her body. There was far more to it, and I thought she knew that.

“I’ll go get you your coat, it’s a bit chilly outside.”

[messiah_me]

Ok what the hell? What did he think I meant? Oh GOD! Did he think I was implying he wanted sex? God no!

"Wes" I start slowly "What just happened here?" I asked stopping him from moving. "I just meant I know you want me to stay is your way of keeping me safe." I looked at him now with concern. Way to go Cordy, insult the man you love....

[_wes_pryce_]

She wasn’t making sense. Why would she talk all slyly and give me that look when she meant I wanted to keep her safe. I don’t need her in bed in order to do that. Granted, it would make things much easier, but there’s more to it. To us. Isn’t there?

Giving her a confused look, I shrugged on my coat. “Yes, of course,” I said, not really knowing what I was supposed to say here. She’d been perfectly clear to me, as in what she meant. But now she was just confusing me. Well, confusing me *more*. This was Cordelia after all.

“So you *don’t * want to go for that walk?”

[messiah_me]

I had to take some deep breaths to keep from strangling him, I wish he would just understand what I mean and move on, but he doesn't.

"I want to do whatever you want to do." I said quietly. I didn't want to confuse/upset/stress him out any more than I already had.

[_wes_pryce_]

What the bloody hell does she want?! She’s confusing me to no end. I don’t think she quiet realizes what she has been through only a mere half hour ago. What I had to go through for a very long few hours, nearly a day even.

“Cordelia,” I sigh, giving her an exasperated look. “I don’t understand you. What the bloody hell do want from me!” Damn, now my voice is raising too. Great. “You’ve been through a lot. I had to watch you in pain, I feared you were dying and there was nothing I could do. I was helpless, useless when it came to helping you! All I could do was sit there and watch!” A bitter laugh escapes me at that last word. God, watch. Always the watcher.

“I failed to protect you,” I whispered, the energy draining from me suddenly when I realized how badly I’d failed her. It’s always someone else who gets to save her. Angel, Willow, I wouldn’t be surprised if Gunn, Fred and Lorne would save her too while all I can do is bloody watch.

“I need some air,” I mumbled, “I’m going for a walk.”

[messiah_me]

I sighed "You didn't fail me." I said in a hushed tone. "Do you see what it did to Willow just to stop it? This is the price we pay for fighting this war." I told him.

I didn't know if this was helping, hell I didn't know where this was coming from, but I had to try. It was when he suddenly said he needed air that I felt that nothing was getting through, that it was all most likely gibberish to him.

"Do you want me to come with you?"