Forsaking
If you have read my diary, then you know that I used to be a Christian, one of those who not only professed my believe and lived it but who also was quite knowledgable about both my religion and others. I was, in no small measure, an apologeticist for Christianity and I have other writings on the web that are quite inspirational to believers.
There are a number of people in my life, at my church and in my family, who were surprised at my forsaking my Christianity. The story, though years in the making, is really fairly simple and short.
There are many Christians that I know who have been filled with the Holy Spirit. Their lives are ones of joy (which is not the same as happiness, Achaia, ask me sometime and I'll explain the difference). I envy them that joy, because my entire life was based on logic. Pascal's theorem was the nail on which I hung my beliefs (ok... and those that held Christ to the cross so that he could die the most agonizing death ever created by man but I'm getting there). It goes like this:If there is no God and I live my life as though there is one, at the end of my life, I shall have been accounted a good man. If, on the other hand, there is a God and I live my life as though he doesn't exist, I shall have Hell to pay (literally).
And so I lived my life as a Christian. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't hung up on legalism. I fully understand that Luther uncorked at 1500 year old vintage of Grace when he nailed his theses at Wittenburg. Give me a moment to indulge in the basics of Christian thought so you can understand where I came from.
Ok, a little long winded but it hits the high points. The key point is the resurrection of Christ, which broke death's hold over man. As I used to say when discussing things with other Christians: The resurrection is that upon which our salvation hangs, whether the bread and wine become blood and bone is haggling over details... details that have splintered the church since it was begun.
So, I accepted all this with nothing to back it up. I believed because it was the only thing I could do.
Then, I came to a crisis in my life. What I needed, more than anything, was proof that God IS. I wasn't asking for Him to make the ground wet and the fleece dry (see Gideon), just for proof that I could accept, a simple miracle, something that was for my eyes only even.
And it never happened. I wore out a pair of pants and a spot in the rug from my praying. And my prayers were unanswered.
So I turned my back on God. I still believe there is something but I cannot accept that it is the God of Christendom. There has been too much going on in my life, too many things that are not coincidental but wouldn't be from the Christian God for me to attempt to believe there isn't something.
What? I don't know. I'm not sure I ever will. But I will keep living my life and seeking answers.
Peace, gentle readers.
There are a number of people in my life, at my church and in my family, who were surprised at my forsaking my Christianity. The story, though years in the making, is really fairly simple and short.
There are many Christians that I know who have been filled with the Holy Spirit. Their lives are ones of joy (which is not the same as happiness, Achaia, ask me sometime and I'll explain the difference). I envy them that joy, because my entire life was based on logic. Pascal's theorem was the nail on which I hung my beliefs (ok... and those that held Christ to the cross so that he could die the most agonizing death ever created by man but I'm getting there). It goes like this:If there is no God and I live my life as though there is one, at the end of my life, I shall have been accounted a good man. If, on the other hand, there is a God and I live my life as though he doesn't exist, I shall have Hell to pay (literally).
And so I lived my life as a Christian. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't hung up on legalism. I fully understand that Luther uncorked at 1500 year old vintage of Grace when he nailed his theses at Wittenburg. Give me a moment to indulge in the basics of Christian thought so you can understand where I came from.
- God is a just and righteous God and as such cannot bear to be around Sin... When Sin comes close to God it goes up in flame and is no more.
- Man (Adam and Eve) disobeyed God in the garden of Eden and thus were separated from God by sin.
- God gave Man the ability to reconcile with God through blood sacrifice of animals.
- These sacrifices lack in many ways since they happen at a point in time and then Man will sin again, negating the sacrifice.
- God loves Man so much that He came up with a plan to have an ultimate sacrifice.
- God's only Son, both Man and God (don't ask, religious wars have been fought over this, see Paul's writings on Gnosticism), came to earth and willingly died as a sacrifice for our Sins, an act which transcends time.
- In order for us to come closer to God all we need to do is accept that Jesus committed this sacrifice for us
Ok, a little long winded but it hits the high points. The key point is the resurrection of Christ, which broke death's hold over man. As I used to say when discussing things with other Christians: The resurrection is that upon which our salvation hangs, whether the bread and wine become blood and bone is haggling over details... details that have splintered the church since it was begun.
So, I accepted all this with nothing to back it up. I believed because it was the only thing I could do.
Then, I came to a crisis in my life. What I needed, more than anything, was proof that God IS. I wasn't asking for Him to make the ground wet and the fleece dry (see Gideon), just for proof that I could accept, a simple miracle, something that was for my eyes only even.
And it never happened. I wore out a pair of pants and a spot in the rug from my praying. And my prayers were unanswered.
So I turned my back on God. I still believe there is something but I cannot accept that it is the God of Christendom. There has been too much going on in my life, too many things that are not coincidental but wouldn't be from the Christian God for me to attempt to believe there isn't something.
What? I don't know. I'm not sure I ever will. But I will keep living my life and seeking answers.
Peace, gentle readers.