(no subject)

[carp3di3m]

I can't believe that after four years, he's still here listening to every stupid little thing that escapes my foul mouth. People I've cared about have had a habit of giving up on me and then going off to get themselves better lives, never looking back on me again. Here's someone that I not only care a great deal for, but have also allowed in through all of my bullshit. How did that happen? And how is it he still loves me and wants to be with me anyway?

I'm racked with guilt whenever I think of ghosts past and present. Sometimes being with you brings up all the twisted up emotions and reminders that I've tried my hardest to bury for over 4 years. And they lead me to I wonder if I did a selfish and stupid thing to drag you into all this baggage that I might never be able to discard. I wonder what it would take for you to leave me, and if there's anyone else out there for me when you do. I wonder on days when I should feel like the the luckiest girl alive. I'm a selfish, stupid girl. And a sad, sorry excuse for a girlfriend.

You've always given me everything, for now I ask that you give me time. We can do better because I want to be restored and better. And I still want you there when I have nothing to hold back. 
I'll be better for you.