12 stages of loss
forgot to post my competition piece on my blog /facepalms/ It's been a draft for idk how long ._.
title: 12 stages of loss
rating: pg
pairings: sungmin/everyone
summary: in which Sungmin has progressive memory loss, how he loses and finds himself again (with the help of Super Junior).
A/N: MANY WORDS. Longest shizz I ever wrote. iam_paranoid and yearofus were the ones that pushed me to do this, followed it through with me. If I had done it alone I'd prolly have given up and thrown it away. So yes. HAHAHA. I guess this was when I started whoring min out too :D
Whenever something befalls them, Super Junior is never prepared. They weren’t prepared when Donghae’s father died, when Heechul was mute for a week or when Kyuhyun narrowly escaped the iron grip of death, hell, they weren’t even prepared when they won their first award on music shows. They simply cry, sob and weep, allowing tears to overwhelm them. Emotions come before rational thoughts. This is Super Junior.
1. Hankyung
“Sorry, hyung, but what was the name of the scriptwriter noona with the pink lip gloss and sexy butt from yesterday?” Sungmin is tapping his fingers on the sofa armrest impatiently, clearly annoyed at having forgotten such an important piece of information.
“Miyoung… Why?” Hankyung raises his eyebrows. Sungmin was clearly smitten with the girl yesterday, having been quick to return the flirtatious smiles she sent his way and already obtaining her number (and a dinner date) by the time they were hurriedly shoved onto the van by their manager.
“Ah, yes. I needed to confirm our lunch date. Thanks!”
Hankyung is amused by the boy (who forgets the details of his date?) but decides that it is because they are all too busy nowadays. SME does overwork them sometimes.
Over the next few days, the two of them are coincidentally on the same van most of the time, always shooed in and driven off to the next filming location in record time. During car rides, Sungmin had almost always been on his Nintendo DS and Hankyung was usually content to slip on his headphones and grab some shuteye. However nowadays, the car ride is almost always peppered with queries from Sungmin, mostly about their schedules. The manager would answer all his questions patiently, but this coming from Sungmin struck Hankyung as odd. Sungmin was, up till a week ago, ever the meticulous guy, memorizing their schedule from where the schedule was right down to which stylists and managers were accompanying them. This was Sungmin, and all the members were used to his painstaking efforts to keep everything in order. Heck, he would even organize personal timetables for the members if he had the time. Hearing Sungmin ask questions like “what are we doing next?” and “is jooshin noona going to be there later, I need to change my hair colour” is new to Hankyung, but the other people who are present with them in the van never seem to care. Kyuhyun would be on his PSP, Shindong would be sending text messages to Nari and Heechul would be on the phone with Sulli or Jessica. So it is up to Hankyung to mull over this abnormal behavior of his bandmate’s.
2. Kibum
Kibum is visiting the dorms, after Heechul called him at 3 in the morning shrieking like a crazed banshee about irresponsible ingrates who have clearly forgotten where their loyalties lie. He supposes since he hasn't seen the members for a month or two, it is time he graced them with his esteemed presence.
He enters the dorms, hollering a quick hello before diving straight for the couch to claim his place, just in case smelly Shindong or Eunhyuk attempt to claim sovereignty over the whole couch again. However, he discovers that the whole dorm is empty, and he has obviously just made a wasted trip.
Frowning in annoyance, he sets up his laptop and is about to engage in some serious gaming while waiting for the members to return.
"Kibum? What are you doing here?" Sungmin comes out of his room, wine flute balanced delicately between two fingers.
"Heechul hyung said I should visit, but no one's at home! I haven't been here for two months, don't you just miss me?" Kibum puts on his signature smirk, snarky side surfacing now that one of the hyungs is around.
"Didn't you just come last week? I remember seeing you going out with Heechul hyung!" Sungmin looks truly puzzled and Kibum checks his calendar mentally. Nope, the last time he had been back was when they were shooting the music video, and even then he had stayed only for an hour and had to leave for acting lessons.
"No, are you sure-" Then the dorm door opens, and Eunhyuk and Shindong and Donghae tumble into the living room, hollering at the top of their lungs about stuffed marshmallows and other things Kibum doesn't want to know about. Leeteuk is behind them, looking as though he is trying to stave off a headache and Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Yesung follow, each looking as smug as the other. Siwon is speaking earnestly to Heechul, who is kicking Eunhyuk and Donghae's shoes out of the way so that Siwon's and his shoes have a space in the extremely crowded hallway. Kibum braces himself for another round of Super Junior crazy, and he forgets what Sungmin has just said.
3. Siwon
They've never been that close, Siwon knows, always preferring the company of their own circle of friends. But that didn't change the fact that they were teammates, and teammates had a special privilege to scream at each other when they were late by an hour for the shoot. And so Siwon prepares himself, such that when the boy rushes into the studio, wheezing and clutching at his chest, he launches into a detailed speech about how he has to film in two hours' time and how it is all his fault because they will never get to take a proper, nice advertisement and this fall collection would not sell well and the company would go bankrupt all because Sungmin had been late.
Sungmin holds up both hands pleadingly, effectively putting a stop to Siwon's tirade of accusations. "I forgot about the shoot, so I overslept, I'm so sorry!"
The filming begins before Siwon can spend any more time nagging at Sungmin. So he gears into professional mode, sending hot sexy glares towards the camera. Really, he thinks he's doing a great job, and just as he's finished a perfect jump, the director of the shoot shouts cut! and Siwon can't help but look slightly offended, because hey he was just getting into the mood!
Then he notices Sungmin, looking clueless at the side, and he realizes that this was supposed to be their jump shot together, and Sungmin being much better at martial arts was supposed to do an air flip or high kick or something. Sungmin is apologizing profusely again, bowing ninety degree bows repeatedly. Siwon suddenly feels guilty for scolding the boy just now.
"Hey, no hard feelings right?" Siwon finds it appropriate to apologize after the shoot. After all, everyone is entitled to a small memory lapse now and then.
Sungmin gives a tired smile, but nods anyway.
4. Donghae
"Okay, I'll meet you at eight tonight! ... Love you too." Donghae snaps his phone shut excitedly after a three hour long chat with his girlfriend. He turns around to see a grinning Sungmin. Stuttering and stumbling, he racks his brains for a good alibi.
"Hi... Hi hyung! What're you doing here?" Ignorance is the best policy to adopt right now, he decides.
"I've been here for the past fifteen minutes! I wanted to ask you to come out and watch SHINee's variety show, since you love that Yoogeun so much, but guess what I found? Something much better than a variety show!" Sungmin's sardonic grin gets wider, if it is even possible.
Donghae gulps. And stuffs his fingers into his ears.
"Lalala, I can't hear you, I'm going to watch my darling Yoogeun now!" He quickly escapes the room, to Sungmin's chortles of "Are you sure it's not darling Jessica?"
Two hours later, he decides to confront Sungmin armed with a salad knife and Eunhyuk's favorite soft toy, the one which is a cushion for his feet.
"Stop pushing me against the wall with a salad knife, Hae, Teukie hyung will kill you if he spots you with one of these again, remember what happened to the window and the couch?" Sungmin calmly pries the knife out of his grip. "And god, is that Hyukkie's foot cushion? Get it out of my sight, I don't wish to be scarred for life!"
Donghae pouts. Or at least, he attempts to, because his hands are held high above his head by Sungmin, who also happens to be holding the salad knife.
"Hyung, you have to promise never to tell anyone about that!" He whines. Because whining always works, even if you are whining to the King of Aegyo.
"About what?" Sungmin's acting skills must be improving after so many musicals, Donghae thinks, he looks genuinely baffled.
"About the conversation you overheard just now!" Donghae is exasperated. He has to get ready for his date in an hour and he can't risk someone in the group not being sworn to secrecy about him dating Jessica. Leeteuk knows, Heechul knows, Eunhyuk knows, Siwon knows, Kyuhyun knows, but that's okay because they are all his good friends and will never betray him. He thinks. Hopes.
"I didn't hear anything just now! Let go of me!" Sungmin manages to fling him onto the bed with surprising ease before marching out of the room, head held high. The knife flies back and lands precariously close to Donghae's foot
Donghae can only hope that this is a clear indication that Sungmin is on his side and will not betray him.
5. Yesung
They both take pride in their musicals. They both have weird fetishes (philtrums and pink, anyone?). They both sing well, better than average anyway. Yesung is checking them off mentally on the way to Hong Gil Dong. Although he was known as the King of Nagging among the members, he was always kind of awkward around Sungmin. Obviously the theory that opposites attract did not work for them.
"And 1, 2, 3... Action!" Right after the rehearsal, it is Sungmin's turn to be on stage. Yesung is still in his stage costume but decides to stay and watch Sungmin from the backstage anyway. Although he didn't like to admit it, he was secretly jealous of Sungmin's talent at martial arts. Seeing him flip and kick and punch around on stage, Yesung sometimes wishes that he had half the physical ability of Sungmin. Thank God his fantastic vocal range made up for it, if he may say so himself.
Caught up in his thoughts of self pity and self comfort, the fact that Sungmin has just frozen mid punch, mid song doesn't sink in to Yesung until a few seconds later. Panic is evidently coursing through Sungmin, who is looking incredibly lost. The stage director beside Yesung is hissing at Sungmin to "Continue, hurry, the show must go on!" but the boy obviously has no inkling of what comes next.
Then Yesung finds himself hurtling towards the stage due to a push by the stage director, and sees Sungmin being signalled to come offstage. He is shocked at the way Sungmin's body moves, almost like a marionette without the strings attached, arms hanging lifelessly by his side and feet dragging, but the show must go on, and so he continues the show with cheers from ELFs in the audience who are clearly pleased to be treated to not one, but two members in one show.
"I've just screwed up my career as a musical actor, haven't I? I suck." Sungmin pouts dejectedly as they travel back to the dorms after the performance. He had been scolded badly by the directors and managers for his lacklustre performance. Yesung thus finds it necessary to envelope the crushed boy in a hug, a rare show of affection between the two of them.
"Of course you've not. You just forgot for a moment." Yesung bites his lip at his white lie, but right now anything is necessary to help the boy piece back his self-confidence.
6. Leeteuk
Leeteuk isn't leader of Super Junior for nothing. Certain tattle tales (Yesung would deny it vehemently but Siwon would admit it) have been telling him that Sungmin has had the memory of a goldfish for the past few weeks. As leader, he supposes he has to do something about it.
"I need to talk to you, Min." Leeteuk puts on his best I-am-leader-so-shut-up-and-listen-to-what-I-have-to-say voice and leans on the doorframe, waiting for Sungmin's attention.
The boy looks up from his drawers, hair slightly in disarray from having run his hands through it too many times in frustration.
"Oh, hi hyung. Just.. Hang on a moment. I'm searching for something..." Sungmin trails off and he looks so intent in his search that Leeteuk decides to let him find whatever it was first. However, fifteen minutes later, it is clear that this search is going nowhere and Sungmin has upset his half of the room (and a huge portion of Kyuhyun's half, too) in his quest to find his missing item. Leeteuk can't help but to get involved now.
"Are you sure it's in your room, Min?"
"Hyung..." He looks so lost and unsure of himself that Leeteuk knows something is definitely wrong, awry, screwed. "I can't remember what I was searching for."
It comes out as a whisper, a confession and a surrender of what was left of his pride. Leeteuk crosses the room in two enormous strides and the boy fits exactly into that space between his outstretched arms, just like the way the other members do.
7. Kangin
"Next, next, next, next..." They are lazing around because Kangin is a bum; Sungmin is willingly flipping through the channels for him like a self automated remote control.
"Want to go out for wine?" Only the two of them are at home tonight, the rest out on dates and whatnot. Before they know it, they are driving out of the building in Sungmin's Honda Civic (safe and sound with seatbelts buckled).
And as expected, Kangin gets wasted on alcohol, he drinks and flirts and makes a fool out of himself on the dance floor. Sungmin observes silently from the sidelines, ignoring girls that are throwing themselves at him. He is, at the same time, also ignoring frantic calls from the managers and Leeteuk who is probably having a heart attack right now.
So Kangin gets drunk as a lord, mumbling gibberish while he is slumped on Sungmin, who is frowning and cursing as he foots the bill. Stupid Kangin had decided to treat the girls at the next table too.
He barely manages to dump Kangin into the passenger seat, before dropping into the driver's seat himself, exhausted and glad that he has not gotten as drunk as Kangin. That guy was putting on so much weight, now that he was on 'indefinite leave'. He starts up the engine and drives off, leaving the mirror unadjusted and seatbelts unbuckled.
Twenty minutes later, he is still speeding through the streets of Seoul, trying to find his way back to the dorms. He is pretty sure it had taken them less than ten minutes to reach the club earlier on. Who had been the driver, Kangin or him? Come to think of it, where had the club been?
Bile is rising steadily in his throat and Sungmin pulls over on the road shoulder. Locating his phone, he presses one on speed dial and Leeteuk picks up on the third dial. "Shit, shit, shit..." He murmurs into the receiver. Leeteuk's panicked voice drifts out from the earpiece, demanding explanations and their exact location, but Sungmin has already left the phone on the dashboard, head slumped against the steering wheel and muffled sobs escaping through the fist he has held at his mouth.
Kangin is beginning to sober up. He grabs the phone amidst his hazy and incoherent thoughts.
"Teukie? I think we've got a problem here."
He throws the phone on the backseat as Leeteuk's lecture about irresponsible behaviour and drink driving commences on the other end of the line. Instead, he pulls Sungmin closer to him, allowing the boy to clutch at his shirt and find himself again.
---
Middlelogue featuring manager-nim
"Progressive memory loss, you say? A rare disease with no cure?" Their manager looks like he is about to stab himself in the eye with the doctor's pen. Perhaps escaping through that open window on the thirteenth storey presents a better option.
Sungmin just smiles, smiles his way through the ride home, lips settling in an upward crescent even when his vision is completely clouded by his tears that refuse to fall.
At the door, he forces himself to wipe off all his tears. From now on he would have to look at every member very closely, observe and scrutinize them, memorize every feature of their beautifully perfect faces, their quirks and personalities and behaviours and lock them in his heart.
Maybe this way, he won't lose them as memories.
---
8. Heechul
Because he is Heechul, he will never be denied. Because he is Heechul, he will not conform to any regulations or accept anything he doesn't want to. Because what Kim Heechul desires, Kim Heechul gets.
And so when Heechul's dictatorship gets overturned, he is not too happy. Instead of fussing around Sungmin like the others do, he retreats to his own corner on the couch. Anger was simply a mask that Kim Heechul donned whenever something screwed itself up. From his corner, he can see Ryeowook fluffing Sungmin's cushions, bringing him refreshments, doing whatever he could to keep him comfortable. Heechul resists the urge to snort; it's not like he is dying anyway.
He wonders how Kyuhyun is taking this news. If the members were heartbroken, Kyuhyun’s heart must have felt like it had been ripped from his chest with a skewer and dipped in acid before being ravaged by vultures. The two had always been close to the extent that the line between friendship and love is blur.
Heechul is so absorbed in his own thoughts that he does not notice a shift in pressure on the couch next to him. It is only when he turns around and finds Sungmin staring pensively back at him that he flinches and directs his gaze to the window, focusing on the five Music Bank trophies.
"Doesn't it make you feel weird, all this unwanted attention?" He turns back just in time to see relief flooding through Sungmin's eyes.
"I thought you were going to ask about my condition. Seriously, they all act like I'm going to roll over and drop dead any moment." It is not a real complaint, but Sungmin rolls his eyes all the same and Heechul cracks a grin. They tended to be on the same wavelength most of the time. They are rather similar; both have a dislike for skinship and do not show their love for the members often. But once their feathers are ruffled, they will go on to the battlefield, fully geared up for war, ready to defend and protect in the name of Super Junior.
9. Shindong
"Samgyupsal?" Shindong's face is hopeful, his body language screams please!, his pores seem to radiate a certain desperation. This is Shindong who has been on a week-long no fat diet campaign.
They scramble into Shindong's car in record time and arrive at the restaurant ten minutes later. All thoughts of dieting are flung out of Shindong's mind as he inhales the fragrant scent of pork bellies, hears the sizzling of their oil as they are being grilled. He manages to finish three servings of meat and four bowls of rice all by himself before realizing that he has to talk to Sungmin, who is staring at him with a bemused expression.
"So Min, what have you been up to recently? No more schedules too, eh?" The management had put Sungmin on "indefinite leave" too, after they received news of his disease. They obviously placed too much faith in the saying that time heals all.
"Nothing much, just hanging around with Kangin hyung, drinking wine, boxing?"
Shindong shakes his head gravely. "No, Min, no. You must engage in some social activities that involve intellectual discussions with members of the opposite sex, as well as dates with them on open fields, in which they will pack basketfuls of lunch for you and feed you tenderly under the warm golden sun rays. Do you get me? Get a girlfriend, Min! Look at me! I'm so happy!"
"You have a girlfriend?" Sungmin looks betrayed and appalled by the fact that his close friend did not tell him about such an important piece of news. Shindong blinks uncertainly.
"Um yeah, remember Nari? Nari who shook the entire nation because smart ELFs had decoded the message in the album long before I told them in person?"
"No, who is she exactly?"
"Min.. You were the one who introduced her to me, remember?"
And Sungmin's eyes lose that spark immediately, shoulders slumping as he cradles his head between his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." Whispers of apology are being emitted, together with sighs and moans of despair. Shindong knows he has to do something before the boy has a breakdown in the middle of the restaurant.
"Hey, Min, remember that time when we went on a bike-riding trip? You baked pumpkin pies for us then! We took so many selcas, right?" Sungmin looks up, hope shining through the tears in his eyes. Yes, this is something he remembers, and so he clutches on to this newfound evidence, proof that he has not lost himself afterall. At least, not entirely.
Encouraged, Shindong moves on to talk about late nights at practice studios, bingeing parties and anything that can remind and assure Sungmin that he is still intact and safe, still with them.
10. Ryeowook
Ryeowook knows, it is just a matter of time before Sungmin forgets him too. He is already unable to recognize some of the company staff that they know by face but not by name, and just the other day he thought Krystal was Jessica. Leeteuk has taken it upon himself to assign members to stick by Sungmin at all times, ensuring that he would be safe should there be a sudden bout of memory loss.
It is Ryeowook's turn today. Sungmin is taking a nap, a small gentle smile gracing his features for once. Ryeowook has lost count of the number of times his hyung has been looking lost ever since the disease struck. It is a pleasant change to see him so relaxed and carefree, and Ryeowook crosses his legs and props himself up beside Sungmin's sleeping form, careful not to disturb the boy.
A notebook catches Ryeowook's attention. It is tucked safely under Sungmin's pillow, only a corner peeking out slightly. Knowing fully that he is intruding on his privacy (but ignoring it anyway), Ryeowook tugs the book out from its original position and flips it open.
My name is Lee Sungmin. I am twenty five this year and I love the colour pink, playing the guitar and cats. I suffer from memory loss, and today is the first day I found out that I have contracted this disease. I know that I will be forgetting everything soon, so I am writing them all down so I won't forget. Forget that I am part of an awesome family called Super Junior, forget that I have twelve brothers who love me so. Sometimes I will wake up and panic; where am I? Who is the boy sleeping in the bed next to mine? But then I will see my pink notebook, my precious perfect little pink notebook and it will tell me everything I need to know about myself, so that the ones I love will never have to know how bad my condition actually is.
There are several pages dedicated to each member, complete with a few selcas that Sungmin took with them before. Ryeowook's tears finally fall and he looks away hurriedly, refusing to let his tears smudge the book of perfection that Sungmin has so painfully and carefully constructed. He sees the very first picture that he took together with Sungmin. Next to it there are the captions "hopes are dreams that never fall asleep. my fellow dream-pursuer!" and a list of Ryeowook's characteristics follow. Ryeowook doesn't know whether to feel honored (he's my favorite dongsaeng!), touched (I know that he will take care of me if no one else would) or slightly insulted (but he nags too much sometimes, more than teukie hyung. I shut down sometimes but pretend to listen all the same, hee!)
He looks up to see a pair of curious eyes peering at him. Startled, he drops the book and quickly formulates a lame excuse to explain why the book was in his hands.
"Pretty book you have there. It's pink! Did you buy it for me?" Sungmin's smile exuded rainbows, sunshine and daffodils and Ryeowook could only gape and stare as the other boy left the room. He silently replaced the notebook and cast a glance around the whole room too, wondering how long it would be before Sungmin forgot that he even belonged here too.
11. Eunhyuk
Eunhyuk knows Sungmin hates to see him cry, because crying is for pussies. But right now, all he wants is to be called a pussy again. They are next to each other on the couch, Sungmin in one of his trances and Eunhyuk’s tears blurring the image of the man in front of him. They had been talking - desperately piecing together the fragments of Sungmin’s memories, clutching on to what was left of him after the disease had relentlessly fed on his memories, stealing away everything most precious to him.
They had been recounting their most treasured memory together. Armed with a guitar and food enough to last them for a week, they had escaped from it all - expectations, dreams, aspirations, life in general. Neither had smiled for what seemed like forever and life was grey skies and dark clouds all the time. In the outskirts of Seoul, they had allowed themselves to forget everything. Forget their status as idols, forget the masks that they donned in front of the public, forget that they were Eunhyuk and Sungmin from Super Junior. They were Lee Hyukjae and Lee Sungmin, they were just boys working hard to realize their dreams. They were best of friends. They spent two days away from modern technology, going back to the basics and living the life they really wanted - a simple life. They talked like they never did before, and went back to the dorms feeling enlightened and closer than ever, identical smiles plastered on their faces. Until now, Leeteuk still believed Eunhyuk was visiting his parents and Sungmin on a trip with his brother that weekend.
Right now, Eunhyuk does not want Sungmin to forget. A pair of clueless eyes look cluelessly at him, tilting slightly to the side.
"What are you talking about, Hyukkie? We never did any of these! Wipe your tears now, come on!"
12. Kyuhyun
"Who are you? Who am I?" The shell of Lee Sungmin is perched on the edge of the bed, fingers threaded together uncertainly as he softly, quietly requests for an answer to his simple question.
Kyuhyun hurriedly introduces himself, and Sungmin gives a tiny wistful smile.
"I can't introduce myself to you, because I don't even know me."
13. Sungmin (and how he finds himself)
So every morning, Sungmin gets to know them all over again. Some days he remembers remnants from yesterday, but on most days it is a new beginning. He compliments Ryeowook's cooking every morning, smiles serenely at Heechul's curses and swears at being dragged up at 9 in the morning, reminds Siwon that he needs to bathe after working out. He is an integral part of their life, a constant presence through every important moment. He doesn't know why girls on the streets stare at him and scream frantically each time he passes them, but he waves and smiles back at them anyway and this induces screams of higher decibels, until Shindong and Kangin finally tug him back to the car, Sungmin still grinning from ear to ear. Leeteuk fusses over him, Eunhyuk and Donghae drag him to play pranks on Yesung sometimes. On rare occasions when Kibum or Hankyung visit, he is introduced to them and he decides that they are nice people, every single time. But his favorite time of the day is still at night with Kyuhyun, when Kyuhyun pours a glass of Barolo for him. Somehow he appreciates the bitter taste of the red liquid swirling around in his mouth and the burning sensation in his throat after he swallows, aftertaste lingering on his tongue. He tells Kyuhyun about this once, and he looks proud and oddly touched, something shining in his eyes.
And then he lies on Kyuhyun's bed and pulls the blanket around himself, closing his eyes peacefully. He thinks, maybe, just maybe, he won't forget tomorrow, he would wake up remembering what happened today. Then he starts to doze off, and in his semi-conscious state he feels a pair of warm arms envelop him, hears someone humming softly. But he is too tired, so tired that he doesn't bother shoving them off. Drowsy, he drifts off to sleep to the deep rich medley of some songs that he finds familiar, but just can't put his finger on it.
Next morning he wakes up to find himself comfortably ensconced in the arms of a handsome stranger. He shrieks and throws them off him, and shoves the sleeping form onto the floor.
The good looking man yelps and rubs his sore derriere, and this marks another new beginning for Sungmin.
title: 12 stages of loss
rating: pg
pairings: sungmin/everyone
summary: in which Sungmin has progressive memory loss, how he loses and finds himself again (with the help of Super Junior).
A/N: MANY WORDS. Longest shizz I ever wrote. iam_paranoid and yearofus were the ones that pushed me to do this, followed it through with me. If I had done it alone I'd prolly have given up and thrown it away. So yes. HAHAHA. I guess this was when I started whoring min out too :D
Whenever something befalls them, Super Junior is never prepared. They weren’t prepared when Donghae’s father died, when Heechul was mute for a week or when Kyuhyun narrowly escaped the iron grip of death, hell, they weren’t even prepared when they won their first award on music shows. They simply cry, sob and weep, allowing tears to overwhelm them. Emotions come before rational thoughts. This is Super Junior.
1. Hankyung
“Sorry, hyung, but what was the name of the scriptwriter noona with the pink lip gloss and sexy butt from yesterday?” Sungmin is tapping his fingers on the sofa armrest impatiently, clearly annoyed at having forgotten such an important piece of information.
“Miyoung… Why?” Hankyung raises his eyebrows. Sungmin was clearly smitten with the girl yesterday, having been quick to return the flirtatious smiles she sent his way and already obtaining her number (and a dinner date) by the time they were hurriedly shoved onto the van by their manager.
“Ah, yes. I needed to confirm our lunch date. Thanks!”
Hankyung is amused by the boy (who forgets the details of his date?) but decides that it is because they are all too busy nowadays. SME does overwork them sometimes.
Over the next few days, the two of them are coincidentally on the same van most of the time, always shooed in and driven off to the next filming location in record time. During car rides, Sungmin had almost always been on his Nintendo DS and Hankyung was usually content to slip on his headphones and grab some shuteye. However nowadays, the car ride is almost always peppered with queries from Sungmin, mostly about their schedules. The manager would answer all his questions patiently, but this coming from Sungmin struck Hankyung as odd. Sungmin was, up till a week ago, ever the meticulous guy, memorizing their schedule from where the schedule was right down to which stylists and managers were accompanying them. This was Sungmin, and all the members were used to his painstaking efforts to keep everything in order. Heck, he would even organize personal timetables for the members if he had the time. Hearing Sungmin ask questions like “what are we doing next?” and “is jooshin noona going to be there later, I need to change my hair colour” is new to Hankyung, but the other people who are present with them in the van never seem to care. Kyuhyun would be on his PSP, Shindong would be sending text messages to Nari and Heechul would be on the phone with Sulli or Jessica. So it is up to Hankyung to mull over this abnormal behavior of his bandmate’s.
2. Kibum
Kibum is visiting the dorms, after Heechul called him at 3 in the morning shrieking like a crazed banshee about irresponsible ingrates who have clearly forgotten where their loyalties lie. He supposes since he hasn't seen the members for a month or two, it is time he graced them with his esteemed presence.
He enters the dorms, hollering a quick hello before diving straight for the couch to claim his place, just in case smelly Shindong or Eunhyuk attempt to claim sovereignty over the whole couch again. However, he discovers that the whole dorm is empty, and he has obviously just made a wasted trip.
Frowning in annoyance, he sets up his laptop and is about to engage in some serious gaming while waiting for the members to return.
"Kibum? What are you doing here?" Sungmin comes out of his room, wine flute balanced delicately between two fingers.
"Heechul hyung said I should visit, but no one's at home! I haven't been here for two months, don't you just miss me?" Kibum puts on his signature smirk, snarky side surfacing now that one of the hyungs is around.
"Didn't you just come last week? I remember seeing you going out with Heechul hyung!" Sungmin looks truly puzzled and Kibum checks his calendar mentally. Nope, the last time he had been back was when they were shooting the music video, and even then he had stayed only for an hour and had to leave for acting lessons.
"No, are you sure-" Then the dorm door opens, and Eunhyuk and Shindong and Donghae tumble into the living room, hollering at the top of their lungs about stuffed marshmallows and other things Kibum doesn't want to know about. Leeteuk is behind them, looking as though he is trying to stave off a headache and Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Yesung follow, each looking as smug as the other. Siwon is speaking earnestly to Heechul, who is kicking Eunhyuk and Donghae's shoes out of the way so that Siwon's and his shoes have a space in the extremely crowded hallway. Kibum braces himself for another round of Super Junior crazy, and he forgets what Sungmin has just said.
3. Siwon
They've never been that close, Siwon knows, always preferring the company of their own circle of friends. But that didn't change the fact that they were teammates, and teammates had a special privilege to scream at each other when they were late by an hour for the shoot. And so Siwon prepares himself, such that when the boy rushes into the studio, wheezing and clutching at his chest, he launches into a detailed speech about how he has to film in two hours' time and how it is all his fault because they will never get to take a proper, nice advertisement and this fall collection would not sell well and the company would go bankrupt all because Sungmin had been late.
Sungmin holds up both hands pleadingly, effectively putting a stop to Siwon's tirade of accusations. "I forgot about the shoot, so I overslept, I'm so sorry!"
The filming begins before Siwon can spend any more time nagging at Sungmin. So he gears into professional mode, sending hot sexy glares towards the camera. Really, he thinks he's doing a great job, and just as he's finished a perfect jump, the director of the shoot shouts cut! and Siwon can't help but look slightly offended, because hey he was just getting into the mood!
Then he notices Sungmin, looking clueless at the side, and he realizes that this was supposed to be their jump shot together, and Sungmin being much better at martial arts was supposed to do an air flip or high kick or something. Sungmin is apologizing profusely again, bowing ninety degree bows repeatedly. Siwon suddenly feels guilty for scolding the boy just now.
"Hey, no hard feelings right?" Siwon finds it appropriate to apologize after the shoot. After all, everyone is entitled to a small memory lapse now and then.
Sungmin gives a tired smile, but nods anyway.
4. Donghae
"Okay, I'll meet you at eight tonight! ... Love you too." Donghae snaps his phone shut excitedly after a three hour long chat with his girlfriend. He turns around to see a grinning Sungmin. Stuttering and stumbling, he racks his brains for a good alibi.
"Hi... Hi hyung! What're you doing here?" Ignorance is the best policy to adopt right now, he decides.
"I've been here for the past fifteen minutes! I wanted to ask you to come out and watch SHINee's variety show, since you love that Yoogeun so much, but guess what I found? Something much better than a variety show!" Sungmin's sardonic grin gets wider, if it is even possible.
Donghae gulps. And stuffs his fingers into his ears.
"Lalala, I can't hear you, I'm going to watch my darling Yoogeun now!" He quickly escapes the room, to Sungmin's chortles of "Are you sure it's not darling Jessica?"
Two hours later, he decides to confront Sungmin armed with a salad knife and Eunhyuk's favorite soft toy, the one which is a cushion for his feet.
"Stop pushing me against the wall with a salad knife, Hae, Teukie hyung will kill you if he spots you with one of these again, remember what happened to the window and the couch?" Sungmin calmly pries the knife out of his grip. "And god, is that Hyukkie's foot cushion? Get it out of my sight, I don't wish to be scarred for life!"
Donghae pouts. Or at least, he attempts to, because his hands are held high above his head by Sungmin, who also happens to be holding the salad knife.
"Hyung, you have to promise never to tell anyone about that!" He whines. Because whining always works, even if you are whining to the King of Aegyo.
"About what?" Sungmin's acting skills must be improving after so many musicals, Donghae thinks, he looks genuinely baffled.
"About the conversation you overheard just now!" Donghae is exasperated. He has to get ready for his date in an hour and he can't risk someone in the group not being sworn to secrecy about him dating Jessica. Leeteuk knows, Heechul knows, Eunhyuk knows, Siwon knows, Kyuhyun knows, but that's okay because they are all his good friends and will never betray him. He thinks. Hopes.
"I didn't hear anything just now! Let go of me!" Sungmin manages to fling him onto the bed with surprising ease before marching out of the room, head held high. The knife flies back and lands precariously close to Donghae's foot
Donghae can only hope that this is a clear indication that Sungmin is on his side and will not betray him.
5. Yesung
They both take pride in their musicals. They both have weird fetishes (philtrums and pink, anyone?). They both sing well, better than average anyway. Yesung is checking them off mentally on the way to Hong Gil Dong. Although he was known as the King of Nagging among the members, he was always kind of awkward around Sungmin. Obviously the theory that opposites attract did not work for them.
"And 1, 2, 3... Action!" Right after the rehearsal, it is Sungmin's turn to be on stage. Yesung is still in his stage costume but decides to stay and watch Sungmin from the backstage anyway. Although he didn't like to admit it, he was secretly jealous of Sungmin's talent at martial arts. Seeing him flip and kick and punch around on stage, Yesung sometimes wishes that he had half the physical ability of Sungmin. Thank God his fantastic vocal range made up for it, if he may say so himself.
Caught up in his thoughts of self pity and self comfort, the fact that Sungmin has just frozen mid punch, mid song doesn't sink in to Yesung until a few seconds later. Panic is evidently coursing through Sungmin, who is looking incredibly lost. The stage director beside Yesung is hissing at Sungmin to "Continue, hurry, the show must go on!" but the boy obviously has no inkling of what comes next.
Then Yesung finds himself hurtling towards the stage due to a push by the stage director, and sees Sungmin being signalled to come offstage. He is shocked at the way Sungmin's body moves, almost like a marionette without the strings attached, arms hanging lifelessly by his side and feet dragging, but the show must go on, and so he continues the show with cheers from ELFs in the audience who are clearly pleased to be treated to not one, but two members in one show.
"I've just screwed up my career as a musical actor, haven't I? I suck." Sungmin pouts dejectedly as they travel back to the dorms after the performance. He had been scolded badly by the directors and managers for his lacklustre performance. Yesung thus finds it necessary to envelope the crushed boy in a hug, a rare show of affection between the two of them.
"Of course you've not. You just forgot for a moment." Yesung bites his lip at his white lie, but right now anything is necessary to help the boy piece back his self-confidence.
6. Leeteuk
Leeteuk isn't leader of Super Junior for nothing. Certain tattle tales (Yesung would deny it vehemently but Siwon would admit it) have been telling him that Sungmin has had the memory of a goldfish for the past few weeks. As leader, he supposes he has to do something about it.
"I need to talk to you, Min." Leeteuk puts on his best I-am-leader-so-shut-up-and-listen-to-what-I-have-to-say voice and leans on the doorframe, waiting for Sungmin's attention.
The boy looks up from his drawers, hair slightly in disarray from having run his hands through it too many times in frustration.
"Oh, hi hyung. Just.. Hang on a moment. I'm searching for something..." Sungmin trails off and he looks so intent in his search that Leeteuk decides to let him find whatever it was first. However, fifteen minutes later, it is clear that this search is going nowhere and Sungmin has upset his half of the room (and a huge portion of Kyuhyun's half, too) in his quest to find his missing item. Leeteuk can't help but to get involved now.
"Are you sure it's in your room, Min?"
"Hyung..." He looks so lost and unsure of himself that Leeteuk knows something is definitely wrong, awry, screwed. "I can't remember what I was searching for."
It comes out as a whisper, a confession and a surrender of what was left of his pride. Leeteuk crosses the room in two enormous strides and the boy fits exactly into that space between his outstretched arms, just like the way the other members do.
7. Kangin
"Next, next, next, next..." They are lazing around because Kangin is a bum; Sungmin is willingly flipping through the channels for him like a self automated remote control.
"Want to go out for wine?" Only the two of them are at home tonight, the rest out on dates and whatnot. Before they know it, they are driving out of the building in Sungmin's Honda Civic (safe and sound with seatbelts buckled).
And as expected, Kangin gets wasted on alcohol, he drinks and flirts and makes a fool out of himself on the dance floor. Sungmin observes silently from the sidelines, ignoring girls that are throwing themselves at him. He is, at the same time, also ignoring frantic calls from the managers and Leeteuk who is probably having a heart attack right now.
So Kangin gets drunk as a lord, mumbling gibberish while he is slumped on Sungmin, who is frowning and cursing as he foots the bill. Stupid Kangin had decided to treat the girls at the next table too.
He barely manages to dump Kangin into the passenger seat, before dropping into the driver's seat himself, exhausted and glad that he has not gotten as drunk as Kangin. That guy was putting on so much weight, now that he was on 'indefinite leave'. He starts up the engine and drives off, leaving the mirror unadjusted and seatbelts unbuckled.
Twenty minutes later, he is still speeding through the streets of Seoul, trying to find his way back to the dorms. He is pretty sure it had taken them less than ten minutes to reach the club earlier on. Who had been the driver, Kangin or him? Come to think of it, where had the club been?
Bile is rising steadily in his throat and Sungmin pulls over on the road shoulder. Locating his phone, he presses one on speed dial and Leeteuk picks up on the third dial. "Shit, shit, shit..." He murmurs into the receiver. Leeteuk's panicked voice drifts out from the earpiece, demanding explanations and their exact location, but Sungmin has already left the phone on the dashboard, head slumped against the steering wheel and muffled sobs escaping through the fist he has held at his mouth.
Kangin is beginning to sober up. He grabs the phone amidst his hazy and incoherent thoughts.
"Teukie? I think we've got a problem here."
He throws the phone on the backseat as Leeteuk's lecture about irresponsible behaviour and drink driving commences on the other end of the line. Instead, he pulls Sungmin closer to him, allowing the boy to clutch at his shirt and find himself again.
---
Middlelogue featuring manager-nim
"Progressive memory loss, you say? A rare disease with no cure?" Their manager looks like he is about to stab himself in the eye with the doctor's pen. Perhaps escaping through that open window on the thirteenth storey presents a better option.
Sungmin just smiles, smiles his way through the ride home, lips settling in an upward crescent even when his vision is completely clouded by his tears that refuse to fall.
At the door, he forces himself to wipe off all his tears. From now on he would have to look at every member very closely, observe and scrutinize them, memorize every feature of their beautifully perfect faces, their quirks and personalities and behaviours and lock them in his heart.
Maybe this way, he won't lose them as memories.
---
8. Heechul
Because he is Heechul, he will never be denied. Because he is Heechul, he will not conform to any regulations or accept anything he doesn't want to. Because what Kim Heechul desires, Kim Heechul gets.
And so when Heechul's dictatorship gets overturned, he is not too happy. Instead of fussing around Sungmin like the others do, he retreats to his own corner on the couch. Anger was simply a mask that Kim Heechul donned whenever something screwed itself up. From his corner, he can see Ryeowook fluffing Sungmin's cushions, bringing him refreshments, doing whatever he could to keep him comfortable. Heechul resists the urge to snort; it's not like he is dying anyway.
He wonders how Kyuhyun is taking this news. If the members were heartbroken, Kyuhyun’s heart must have felt like it had been ripped from his chest with a skewer and dipped in acid before being ravaged by vultures. The two had always been close to the extent that the line between friendship and love is blur.
Heechul is so absorbed in his own thoughts that he does not notice a shift in pressure on the couch next to him. It is only when he turns around and finds Sungmin staring pensively back at him that he flinches and directs his gaze to the window, focusing on the five Music Bank trophies.
"Doesn't it make you feel weird, all this unwanted attention?" He turns back just in time to see relief flooding through Sungmin's eyes.
"I thought you were going to ask about my condition. Seriously, they all act like I'm going to roll over and drop dead any moment." It is not a real complaint, but Sungmin rolls his eyes all the same and Heechul cracks a grin. They tended to be on the same wavelength most of the time. They are rather similar; both have a dislike for skinship and do not show their love for the members often. But once their feathers are ruffled, they will go on to the battlefield, fully geared up for war, ready to defend and protect in the name of Super Junior.
9. Shindong
"Samgyupsal?" Shindong's face is hopeful, his body language screams please!, his pores seem to radiate a certain desperation. This is Shindong who has been on a week-long no fat diet campaign.
They scramble into Shindong's car in record time and arrive at the restaurant ten minutes later. All thoughts of dieting are flung out of Shindong's mind as he inhales the fragrant scent of pork bellies, hears the sizzling of their oil as they are being grilled. He manages to finish three servings of meat and four bowls of rice all by himself before realizing that he has to talk to Sungmin, who is staring at him with a bemused expression.
"So Min, what have you been up to recently? No more schedules too, eh?" The management had put Sungmin on "indefinite leave" too, after they received news of his disease. They obviously placed too much faith in the saying that time heals all.
"Nothing much, just hanging around with Kangin hyung, drinking wine, boxing?"
Shindong shakes his head gravely. "No, Min, no. You must engage in some social activities that involve intellectual discussions with members of the opposite sex, as well as dates with them on open fields, in which they will pack basketfuls of lunch for you and feed you tenderly under the warm golden sun rays. Do you get me? Get a girlfriend, Min! Look at me! I'm so happy!"
"You have a girlfriend?" Sungmin looks betrayed and appalled by the fact that his close friend did not tell him about such an important piece of news. Shindong blinks uncertainly.
"Um yeah, remember Nari? Nari who shook the entire nation because smart ELFs had decoded the message in the album long before I told them in person?"
"No, who is she exactly?"
"Min.. You were the one who introduced her to me, remember?"
And Sungmin's eyes lose that spark immediately, shoulders slumping as he cradles his head between his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." Whispers of apology are being emitted, together with sighs and moans of despair. Shindong knows he has to do something before the boy has a breakdown in the middle of the restaurant.
"Hey, Min, remember that time when we went on a bike-riding trip? You baked pumpkin pies for us then! We took so many selcas, right?" Sungmin looks up, hope shining through the tears in his eyes. Yes, this is something he remembers, and so he clutches on to this newfound evidence, proof that he has not lost himself afterall. At least, not entirely.
Encouraged, Shindong moves on to talk about late nights at practice studios, bingeing parties and anything that can remind and assure Sungmin that he is still intact and safe, still with them.
10. Ryeowook
Ryeowook knows, it is just a matter of time before Sungmin forgets him too. He is already unable to recognize some of the company staff that they know by face but not by name, and just the other day he thought Krystal was Jessica. Leeteuk has taken it upon himself to assign members to stick by Sungmin at all times, ensuring that he would be safe should there be a sudden bout of memory loss.
It is Ryeowook's turn today. Sungmin is taking a nap, a small gentle smile gracing his features for once. Ryeowook has lost count of the number of times his hyung has been looking lost ever since the disease struck. It is a pleasant change to see him so relaxed and carefree, and Ryeowook crosses his legs and props himself up beside Sungmin's sleeping form, careful not to disturb the boy.
A notebook catches Ryeowook's attention. It is tucked safely under Sungmin's pillow, only a corner peeking out slightly. Knowing fully that he is intruding on his privacy (but ignoring it anyway), Ryeowook tugs the book out from its original position and flips it open.
My name is Lee Sungmin. I am twenty five this year and I love the colour pink, playing the guitar and cats. I suffer from memory loss, and today is the first day I found out that I have contracted this disease. I know that I will be forgetting everything soon, so I am writing them all down so I won't forget. Forget that I am part of an awesome family called Super Junior, forget that I have twelve brothers who love me so. Sometimes I will wake up and panic; where am I? Who is the boy sleeping in the bed next to mine? But then I will see my pink notebook, my precious perfect little pink notebook and it will tell me everything I need to know about myself, so that the ones I love will never have to know how bad my condition actually is.
There are several pages dedicated to each member, complete with a few selcas that Sungmin took with them before. Ryeowook's tears finally fall and he looks away hurriedly, refusing to let his tears smudge the book of perfection that Sungmin has so painfully and carefully constructed. He sees the very first picture that he took together with Sungmin. Next to it there are the captions "hopes are dreams that never fall asleep. my fellow dream-pursuer!" and a list of Ryeowook's characteristics follow. Ryeowook doesn't know whether to feel honored (he's my favorite dongsaeng!), touched (I know that he will take care of me if no one else would) or slightly insulted (but he nags too much sometimes, more than teukie hyung. I shut down sometimes but pretend to listen all the same, hee!)
He looks up to see a pair of curious eyes peering at him. Startled, he drops the book and quickly formulates a lame excuse to explain why the book was in his hands.
"Pretty book you have there. It's pink! Did you buy it for me?" Sungmin's smile exuded rainbows, sunshine and daffodils and Ryeowook could only gape and stare as the other boy left the room. He silently replaced the notebook and cast a glance around the whole room too, wondering how long it would be before Sungmin forgot that he even belonged here too.
11. Eunhyuk
Eunhyuk knows Sungmin hates to see him cry, because crying is for pussies. But right now, all he wants is to be called a pussy again. They are next to each other on the couch, Sungmin in one of his trances and Eunhyuk’s tears blurring the image of the man in front of him. They had been talking - desperately piecing together the fragments of Sungmin’s memories, clutching on to what was left of him after the disease had relentlessly fed on his memories, stealing away everything most precious to him.
They had been recounting their most treasured memory together. Armed with a guitar and food enough to last them for a week, they had escaped from it all - expectations, dreams, aspirations, life in general. Neither had smiled for what seemed like forever and life was grey skies and dark clouds all the time. In the outskirts of Seoul, they had allowed themselves to forget everything. Forget their status as idols, forget the masks that they donned in front of the public, forget that they were Eunhyuk and Sungmin from Super Junior. They were Lee Hyukjae and Lee Sungmin, they were just boys working hard to realize their dreams. They were best of friends. They spent two days away from modern technology, going back to the basics and living the life they really wanted - a simple life. They talked like they never did before, and went back to the dorms feeling enlightened and closer than ever, identical smiles plastered on their faces. Until now, Leeteuk still believed Eunhyuk was visiting his parents and Sungmin on a trip with his brother that weekend.
Right now, Eunhyuk does not want Sungmin to forget. A pair of clueless eyes look cluelessly at him, tilting slightly to the side.
"What are you talking about, Hyukkie? We never did any of these! Wipe your tears now, come on!"
12. Kyuhyun
"Who are you? Who am I?" The shell of Lee Sungmin is perched on the edge of the bed, fingers threaded together uncertainly as he softly, quietly requests for an answer to his simple question.
Kyuhyun hurriedly introduces himself, and Sungmin gives a tiny wistful smile.
"I can't introduce myself to you, because I don't even know me."
13. Sungmin (and how he finds himself)
So every morning, Sungmin gets to know them all over again. Some days he remembers remnants from yesterday, but on most days it is a new beginning. He compliments Ryeowook's cooking every morning, smiles serenely at Heechul's curses and swears at being dragged up at 9 in the morning, reminds Siwon that he needs to bathe after working out. He is an integral part of their life, a constant presence through every important moment. He doesn't know why girls on the streets stare at him and scream frantically each time he passes them, but he waves and smiles back at them anyway and this induces screams of higher decibels, until Shindong and Kangin finally tug him back to the car, Sungmin still grinning from ear to ear. Leeteuk fusses over him, Eunhyuk and Donghae drag him to play pranks on Yesung sometimes. On rare occasions when Kibum or Hankyung visit, he is introduced to them and he decides that they are nice people, every single time. But his favorite time of the day is still at night with Kyuhyun, when Kyuhyun pours a glass of Barolo for him. Somehow he appreciates the bitter taste of the red liquid swirling around in his mouth and the burning sensation in his throat after he swallows, aftertaste lingering on his tongue. He tells Kyuhyun about this once, and he looks proud and oddly touched, something shining in his eyes.
And then he lies on Kyuhyun's bed and pulls the blanket around himself, closing his eyes peacefully. He thinks, maybe, just maybe, he won't forget tomorrow, he would wake up remembering what happened today. Then he starts to doze off, and in his semi-conscious state he feels a pair of warm arms envelop him, hears someone humming softly. But he is too tired, so tired that he doesn't bother shoving them off. Drowsy, he drifts off to sleep to the deep rich medley of some songs that he finds familiar, but just can't put his finger on it.
Next morning he wakes up to find himself comfortably ensconced in the arms of a handsome stranger. He shrieks and throws them off him, and shoves the sleeping form onto the floor.
The good looking man yelps and rubs his sore derriere, and this marks another new beginning for Sungmin.