ten years in sungmin's backstage
ten years in sungmin's backstage
kyumin, ninja pairings. pg, 2099 words
In your very neat and organized brain, you classify this tune as dreams, aspirations, regret and disappointment all at once. It is a first, and hopefully the last.
A/N: dedicated to yearofus bb and iam_paranoid bob. love, me.
1.
You've never really wanted this, it was stupid of you to even audition in the first place, how dare you even think you could make it? A million thoughts are bugging you as you check your bag for the final time. Your room is barren now; trophies from competitions won in your childhood already wrapped carefully in newspaper and packed into boxes, all the knick-knacks that littered your room either given to your cousins or thrown away together with all your old schoolbooks. You realize you have very few prized possessions; it didn't hurt as much as you thought it would when you were emptying your room. It feels almost like a new beginning, as though your existence within the four walls that you had grown up in was being wiped out entirely.
"Ready, dear?" Your mother pokes her head into your room, comforting scent of lavender and cookies around her. Before you know it you are already fitted snugly in the space between her outstretched arms, burying your head into her neck and allowing the familiar smell of home to infiltrate your nostrils one last time and fill your entire being.
You leave the house that holds your sixteen years of joy, sorrow and regrets. You will be leaving it all behind now, starting a new life filled with dreams, hopes and aspirations. Shuffling onto the bus with your bags, you see your family waving at you and your mother is even shedding a tear or two. Your brother beams and looks up at you as he always has, confidence and pride radiating from his eyes.
It is not until the bus begins its slow and arduous journey to Seoul that you realize you are clutching your mini guitar tightly, the one you got when you were twelve. ("Paint it pink!" had been your first request) The sound quality is horrible now, and the paint is peeling at the edges, but you find it a necessary item to bring along to Seoul, even after debating with yourself whether to throw it away. Seems like you could never leave it behind, after all.
2.
"Hi, my name is Hyukjae," the boy grins at you, and you feel your heart lighten at once; he seems fine, maybe you could become good friends, close friends, best friends even, and -
"Meet my best friend, Junsu! I hear that we're going to debut in the same group!" an equally dorky looking guy who seems to have appeared out of nowhere grabs Hyukjae in a friendly yet rough manner, and they stand shoulder to shoulder, identical warm smiles at you.
"Oh really, hi!" you attempt to muster a friendly smile, ignoring your stomach that has filled with lead sinking back down.
You step back and make way as the two boys go back for dance practice.
3.
"Junsu? Junsu? ...Hyukkie?" One guilty, two disappointed, three with their hopes dashed. The management has just informed Junsu that he would be debuting in DBSK along with four other guys instead. Lee Sungmin and Lee Hyukjae never made it to the list.
Hyukjae starts sniffling quietly at the side of the room. It is understandable; he has always been playing second fiddle to Junsu after all. Junsu had been first to enter the company, he sang and danced better than Hyukjae, and now he was debuting first. But you, you were never one to cry, so you do what seems right to you. Trudging over to the sound controls, you play the music from the top, a familiar melody that has been etched in your memory forever, and begin singing your heart out in sync with the music. It is the song you were meant to debut with.
In your very neat and organized brain, you classify this tune as dreams, aspirations, regret and disappointment all at once. It is a first, and hopefully the last.
4.
"Eunhyuk sounds fine to me."
"But why silver, that's like, second place!"
"Would you rather be Geumhyuk then?"
Your retort causes both of you to burst out in laughter, and you catch the familiar glint in Hyukjae's eyes. It is the very same look you have on; one of relief, hopes and faith.
Maybe this time, it would all turn out fine.
5.
And so you debut along with eleven other boys, some pretty and some not, some tall and others short. You try to look your fiercest and sexiest on your first stage, sending hot glares at the camera each time it focuses on you for that nanosecond. Let people notice you among eleven other pretty boys, make them remember your name, leave a lasting impression.. Fight for yourself, cause that's what everyone's doing ultimately at the end of the day. Advice from sunbaes ring loud and clear in your mind, and you linger in the front a while longer, just so the camera can film you for one more moment.
"You idiot, get back to the formation, you're blocking Kibum, he's the main now!" The manager hisses through the earpiece, irritated. You hurry back to your position. It had been a futile effort; the cameras were switched at that moment, you hadn't been caught on camera anyway.
6.
He is a bunch of long awkward limbs that look better tucked into an office chair punching numbers and complicated formulae into a calculator instead of flailing around as he fails at the choreography for the nth time, you decide. The new member is joining your group for the first time in practice, and it is becoming obvious to everyone that he is not cut out for popping, locking and waves.
Heechul rolls his eyes and deems this newcomer hopeless, stalking off with Hankyung and Siwon. The other members sympathize with him, but no one makes a move to help him, because they obviously have not accepted him. Yet.
7.
"Need help? I mean, I'm definitely not the best at dancing around here, but I think I've got the choreography." you decide to stop being so anti-social and interact with the new addition.
His smile of pure gratitude lifts your spirits too, and you spend the afternoon (and the evening, night and next morning) together, teaching him the choreography of U.
"You know, your singing and dancing ain't bad at all. You're like, all-rounded." he collapses onto the bed in the room you share with him and Donghae (who was out frolicking with Hyukkie again).
The tips of your ears turn pink as you mumble a quick thanks and proceed to sleep too; it is the first time someone has paid you a compliment in a very, very long time.
8.
The first time he kisses you, you barely register what's happening. You are crying; you just screwed up the latest performance. He sits beside you, patting your back sympathetically as he listens to grouses spill out from you.
"And I suck and netizens will attack us again and Teukie hyung will lapse into depression and-" you never get to finish your sentence, because a pair of lips are pressed up against yours, gentle fingers wiping away tears that you never knew had fallen.
(After the kiss, you find yourself blinking slightly in confusion. "I get to be the guy." he proclaims before you even open your mouth.
"Hey, no fair!" you pout and he leans over to kiss you again, he tastes like wine and honey and nice and you forget about your annoyance at him.)
9.
"They what?!" it does not sink in to you in the dorms, nor does it sink in when you're speeding to the hospital in the car with the remaining members, or when you are huddled together outside the operating theatre, seeking comfort in each others' presence. Siwon is leading everyone in prayer, and even Heechul is bowing his head in respect.
It is only when you see him, tubes stuck all over his body (is that one you see coming out of his mouth?) that you truly understand.
His heart beat is measured on the monitor, a slow and steady constant amidst all this chaos, yet it is also a ringing reminder of the danger he is currently in.
You hold back all the tears and just stare at his comatose form through the glass window separating both of you, always on the constant lookout for signs of life in him.
10.
When he wakes up, finally, you can only lace your fingers through his, the other hand stroking his hair and pale face gently. You trace your fingers over his dry, chapped lips and make a mental note to supply him with lip balm as soon as possible.
"Marry me."
And you choke on the tears that you have been swallowing for the past few days. Beaming at him although he is just a blur figure behind your tears, you nod happily and that is how he spends his first hour awake, alternating between wiping your tears and stroking your palm.
11.
But you both know it is impossible in this highly judgmental society you live in, and so his request and proclamation of love becomes just another precious memory that you both share.
That is, until 31st December 2010. You have just finished another Gayo Daejun. Age is obviously catching up with you; you have not stopped panting since stepping into the backstage 5 minutes ago. (Now you know how Leeteuk feels.) Yet a different feeling of weariness and exhaustion has been plaguing you nowadays.
"Aren't you tired? Not just today, but our busy lives in general. The life of an idol star. I think I've finally gotten sick of this lifestyle." on the rooftop where you have escaped to see the new year fireworks, you smile wistfully at him, because this is not how it was supposed to turn out, you never imagined it would be like this when you left Ilsan nine years ago. This dream was supposed to be your fuel, driving you forward and egging you on.
"Yeah, don't you think we deserve a break sometimes?" his voice is carefully disguised to come across as nonchalant, but you can still sense the yearning in him too.
"I want a break too.." you turn back to focus on the sky, as cheers (and fireworks) erupt in the whole of Seoul, welcoming 2011.
He pulls you closer to him and fits his lips to yours, taking your breath away just like he does each time he kisses you.
"Then let's do it." there is no hint of the usual mischief that would be twinkling in his eyes, just deep brown orbs that seek your trust.
You nod, and he grins at you. "Africa it is then. Happy Birthday."
It is only until you return to the dorms that you realize where exactly you have agreed to go.
"I expected Paris! Or Milan! Or at the very least, Japan!"
"Shut up, hyung. No one knows us there, in Africa the birds soar freely, the elephants and lions are free to roam the lands, what's so bad about it? They have freedom!" and freedom is what we've always wanted; the unspoken message gets across.
"Oh fine. But after that I want to go to Japan!"
12.
And so, ten years after packing up and glancing around your empty room, you find yourself doing the exact same thing again. This time, however, there are slight differences. He is holding your hand, you are holding a pair of air tickets to Africa and your entire existence is now packed into two backpacks and a large suitcase.
You refuse to say any goodbyes, because you don't think you can bear the hurt and disappointment that would be reflected in the eyes of every member. It would be worse than when Hankyung left, because you are being even more selfish than he was.
13.
Right before you step onto the plane, you find your throat constricting inexplicably. Freedom is within your reach now, after being enclosed and suffocated by your dreams and responsibilities for the past ten years. You pause for a moment and he grips your hand even tighter than before.
“Having second thoughts?” True, you might be. Giving up all that you have worked hard for these ten years, leaving the only family that you have known, never coming back, ever again. No one said it wouldn’t hurt.
“No,” you smile easily at him, tugging at him to step onto the plane now, the plane that would bring you to a place where you can be yourself. Finally.
“No regrets.”
kyumin, ninja pairings. pg, 2099 words
In your very neat and organized brain, you classify this tune as dreams, aspirations, regret and disappointment all at once. It is a first, and hopefully the last.
A/N: dedicated to yearofus bb and iam_paranoid bob. love, me.
1.
You've never really wanted this, it was stupid of you to even audition in the first place, how dare you even think you could make it? A million thoughts are bugging you as you check your bag for the final time. Your room is barren now; trophies from competitions won in your childhood already wrapped carefully in newspaper and packed into boxes, all the knick-knacks that littered your room either given to your cousins or thrown away together with all your old schoolbooks. You realize you have very few prized possessions; it didn't hurt as much as you thought it would when you were emptying your room. It feels almost like a new beginning, as though your existence within the four walls that you had grown up in was being wiped out entirely.
"Ready, dear?" Your mother pokes her head into your room, comforting scent of lavender and cookies around her. Before you know it you are already fitted snugly in the space between her outstretched arms, burying your head into her neck and allowing the familiar smell of home to infiltrate your nostrils one last time and fill your entire being.
You leave the house that holds your sixteen years of joy, sorrow and regrets. You will be leaving it all behind now, starting a new life filled with dreams, hopes and aspirations. Shuffling onto the bus with your bags, you see your family waving at you and your mother is even shedding a tear or two. Your brother beams and looks up at you as he always has, confidence and pride radiating from his eyes.
It is not until the bus begins its slow and arduous journey to Seoul that you realize you are clutching your mini guitar tightly, the one you got when you were twelve. ("Paint it pink!" had been your first request) The sound quality is horrible now, and the paint is peeling at the edges, but you find it a necessary item to bring along to Seoul, even after debating with yourself whether to throw it away. Seems like you could never leave it behind, after all.
2.
"Hi, my name is Hyukjae," the boy grins at you, and you feel your heart lighten at once; he seems fine, maybe you could become good friends, close friends, best friends even, and -
"Meet my best friend, Junsu! I hear that we're going to debut in the same group!" an equally dorky looking guy who seems to have appeared out of nowhere grabs Hyukjae in a friendly yet rough manner, and they stand shoulder to shoulder, identical warm smiles at you.
"Oh really, hi!" you attempt to muster a friendly smile, ignoring your stomach that has filled with lead sinking back down.
You step back and make way as the two boys go back for dance practice.
3.
"Junsu? Junsu? ...Hyukkie?" One guilty, two disappointed, three with their hopes dashed. The management has just informed Junsu that he would be debuting in DBSK along with four other guys instead. Lee Sungmin and Lee Hyukjae never made it to the list.
Hyukjae starts sniffling quietly at the side of the room. It is understandable; he has always been playing second fiddle to Junsu after all. Junsu had been first to enter the company, he sang and danced better than Hyukjae, and now he was debuting first. But you, you were never one to cry, so you do what seems right to you. Trudging over to the sound controls, you play the music from the top, a familiar melody that has been etched in your memory forever, and begin singing your heart out in sync with the music. It is the song you were meant to debut with.
In your very neat and organized brain, you classify this tune as dreams, aspirations, regret and disappointment all at once. It is a first, and hopefully the last.
4.
"Eunhyuk sounds fine to me."
"But why silver, that's like, second place!"
"Would you rather be Geumhyuk then?"
Your retort causes both of you to burst out in laughter, and you catch the familiar glint in Hyukjae's eyes. It is the very same look you have on; one of relief, hopes and faith.
Maybe this time, it would all turn out fine.
5.
And so you debut along with eleven other boys, some pretty and some not, some tall and others short. You try to look your fiercest and sexiest on your first stage, sending hot glares at the camera each time it focuses on you for that nanosecond. Let people notice you among eleven other pretty boys, make them remember your name, leave a lasting impression.. Fight for yourself, cause that's what everyone's doing ultimately at the end of the day. Advice from sunbaes ring loud and clear in your mind, and you linger in the front a while longer, just so the camera can film you for one more moment.
"You idiot, get back to the formation, you're blocking Kibum, he's the main now!" The manager hisses through the earpiece, irritated. You hurry back to your position. It had been a futile effort; the cameras were switched at that moment, you hadn't been caught on camera anyway.
6.
He is a bunch of long awkward limbs that look better tucked into an office chair punching numbers and complicated formulae into a calculator instead of flailing around as he fails at the choreography for the nth time, you decide. The new member is joining your group for the first time in practice, and it is becoming obvious to everyone that he is not cut out for popping, locking and waves.
Heechul rolls his eyes and deems this newcomer hopeless, stalking off with Hankyung and Siwon. The other members sympathize with him, but no one makes a move to help him, because they obviously have not accepted him. Yet.
7.
"Need help? I mean, I'm definitely not the best at dancing around here, but I think I've got the choreography." you decide to stop being so anti-social and interact with the new addition.
His smile of pure gratitude lifts your spirits too, and you spend the afternoon (and the evening, night and next morning) together, teaching him the choreography of U.
"You know, your singing and dancing ain't bad at all. You're like, all-rounded." he collapses onto the bed in the room you share with him and Donghae (who was out frolicking with Hyukkie again).
The tips of your ears turn pink as you mumble a quick thanks and proceed to sleep too; it is the first time someone has paid you a compliment in a very, very long time.
8.
The first time he kisses you, you barely register what's happening. You are crying; you just screwed up the latest performance. He sits beside you, patting your back sympathetically as he listens to grouses spill out from you.
"And I suck and netizens will attack us again and Teukie hyung will lapse into depression and-" you never get to finish your sentence, because a pair of lips are pressed up against yours, gentle fingers wiping away tears that you never knew had fallen.
(After the kiss, you find yourself blinking slightly in confusion. "I get to be the guy." he proclaims before you even open your mouth.
"Hey, no fair!" you pout and he leans over to kiss you again, he tastes like wine and honey and nice and you forget about your annoyance at him.)
9.
"They what?!" it does not sink in to you in the dorms, nor does it sink in when you're speeding to the hospital in the car with the remaining members, or when you are huddled together outside the operating theatre, seeking comfort in each others' presence. Siwon is leading everyone in prayer, and even Heechul is bowing his head in respect.
It is only when you see him, tubes stuck all over his body (is that one you see coming out of his mouth?) that you truly understand.
His heart beat is measured on the monitor, a slow and steady constant amidst all this chaos, yet it is also a ringing reminder of the danger he is currently in.
You hold back all the tears and just stare at his comatose form through the glass window separating both of you, always on the constant lookout for signs of life in him.
10.
When he wakes up, finally, you can only lace your fingers through his, the other hand stroking his hair and pale face gently. You trace your fingers over his dry, chapped lips and make a mental note to supply him with lip balm as soon as possible.
"Marry me."
And you choke on the tears that you have been swallowing for the past few days. Beaming at him although he is just a blur figure behind your tears, you nod happily and that is how he spends his first hour awake, alternating between wiping your tears and stroking your palm.
11.
But you both know it is impossible in this highly judgmental society you live in, and so his request and proclamation of love becomes just another precious memory that you both share.
That is, until 31st December 2010. You have just finished another Gayo Daejun. Age is obviously catching up with you; you have not stopped panting since stepping into the backstage 5 minutes ago. (Now you know how Leeteuk feels.) Yet a different feeling of weariness and exhaustion has been plaguing you nowadays.
"Aren't you tired? Not just today, but our busy lives in general. The life of an idol star. I think I've finally gotten sick of this lifestyle." on the rooftop where you have escaped to see the new year fireworks, you smile wistfully at him, because this is not how it was supposed to turn out, you never imagined it would be like this when you left Ilsan nine years ago. This dream was supposed to be your fuel, driving you forward and egging you on.
"Yeah, don't you think we deserve a break sometimes?" his voice is carefully disguised to come across as nonchalant, but you can still sense the yearning in him too.
"I want a break too.." you turn back to focus on the sky, as cheers (and fireworks) erupt in the whole of Seoul, welcoming 2011.
He pulls you closer to him and fits his lips to yours, taking your breath away just like he does each time he kisses you.
"Then let's do it." there is no hint of the usual mischief that would be twinkling in his eyes, just deep brown orbs that seek your trust.
You nod, and he grins at you. "Africa it is then. Happy Birthday."
It is only until you return to the dorms that you realize where exactly you have agreed to go.
"I expected Paris! Or Milan! Or at the very least, Japan!"
"Shut up, hyung. No one knows us there, in Africa the birds soar freely, the elephants and lions are free to roam the lands, what's so bad about it? They have freedom!" and freedom is what we've always wanted; the unspoken message gets across.
"Oh fine. But after that I want to go to Japan!"
12.
And so, ten years after packing up and glancing around your empty room, you find yourself doing the exact same thing again. This time, however, there are slight differences. He is holding your hand, you are holding a pair of air tickets to Africa and your entire existence is now packed into two backpacks and a large suitcase.
You refuse to say any goodbyes, because you don't think you can bear the hurt and disappointment that would be reflected in the eyes of every member. It would be worse than when Hankyung left, because you are being even more selfish than he was.
13.
Right before you step onto the plane, you find your throat constricting inexplicably. Freedom is within your reach now, after being enclosed and suffocated by your dreams and responsibilities for the past ten years. You pause for a moment and he grips your hand even tighter than before.
“Having second thoughts?” True, you might be. Giving up all that you have worked hard for these ten years, leaving the only family that you have known, never coming back, ever again. No one said it wouldn’t hurt.
“No,” you smile easily at him, tugging at him to step onto the plane now, the plane that would bring you to a place where you can be yourself. Finally.
“No regrets.”