solitude
Title: solitude
Pairing: none; seungho-centric
Rating: PG-13
Summary: he never wanted them to know.
He stood alone for a while, stiff and silent, watching the waves be illuminated in shades of tangerine by the setting sun. He relished this time away from his crazy bandmates, because no matter how much he loved them, there would always be a part of him that retained and craved the love for solitude. It was this bad habit of losing himself in his thoughts that had gotten him kicked our of potential debuting groups, that is - until Rain, JTune Camp, until MBLAQ. He was even made the leader.
He stood like this for a few moments, before shaking loose, sighing deeply and prepared himself to deal with his insane bandmates a few feet away. His lips softened into a contemplative smile, before he marched over, tugged Chulyong and his teeth away from Sanghyun's hat, sucessfully prevented Changsun from accidentally castrating himself with the kitchen knife, and snatched Byunghee's porn magazine away before sprawling tiredly on the smooth sand and wincing as his back hit the ground hard.
From the corner of his eye he spotted the four of them trying their utmost best to conspire against him in low voices, and smiled fondly as he watched them attempt to approach silently. There was nothing he couldn't deal with after four years of dealing with their pranks, driving away their nightmares and insecurities. As leader, he dutifully did his best to prevent his bandmates from ruining and defiling their image on shows, even though he personally thought that they never had any image in the first place. Even if they did, he wouldn't have done anything anyway. He wanted his bandmates to be free, like he could never be.
He knew that many other idol group leaders were under the impression that he didn't care for his position, or his bandmates. Perhaps they knew, perhaps they didn't. But Doojoon would know, would understand. They had been through it together before, of course he would. It was because of the horrible experience that the two of them were so overprotective over their bandmates. He thought back to the period of time when they were filming Kkael Player. That time when his ribs were broken and bruised afterwards when the pain was so unbearable that he was sorely tempted to let it all out. But they were on camera, and Sanghyun had been standing over him with the ridiculous hotdog, so he kept it in. Byunghee had suspected something from then on until now, but their manager would distract him everytime he tried to talk to him. He hadn't known what trouble he had signed up for when he accepted the position.
The still-healing scabs and slashes on his back never left scars. He knew it was because of the strange smelling broth they made him force down the first time they did it. He remembered their experiments - the scapels, the whips, the knives and the icy water they poured on him while covering his nose and mouth. He remembered his own pained screams, the stark unmitigated fear, and the way he flinched whenever someone approached him and their watch or accessories sparkled because they brought back the memories of the scapel glinting under the swinging lamp above him as they held him down. Most of all, he remembered the worried glances and frowns when he finally returned in the middle of the night, exhausted from the session and the forced smiles to keep from worrying their maknaes.
He sighed again. He wanted nothing more than a break from everything. What had once been a fight to achieve his dream, along with four others, had now turned into a desire to run away. He faced the sea once more, and watched the setting sun spread a pool of warm cadmium yellow across the horizon. A hand entered his vision and shook him out of his reverie. "Food's ready, hyung. Just hope that Chulyong and Changsun-hyung hasn't done anything to it. And we hardly get a chance to spend time away from the cameras together, so stop moping." A teasing tone had weaved its way into Sanghyun's voice towards the end, and with little hesitation, he took the helping hand and brushed off the residue sand on his pants. As they made their way to the campfire, he spotted Byunghee wrestling Chulyong onto the sand and Changsun pouring what suspiciously looked like salt into the already cooked food. He shook his head despairingly, and proceeded to pull them off each other, and chuck Changsun away from the fire. As they finally settled and began eating, he watched the flames crackle amidst the quiet conversation. As the sparks and fumes rose and diffused into the air, he made another silent promise among all the others. They would never know. They couldn't know.
He sighed again. He wanted nothing more than a break from everything. What had once been a fight to achieve his dream, along with four others, had now turned into a desire to run away. He faced the sea once more, and watched the setting sun spread a pool of warm cadmium yellow across the horizon. A hand entered his vision and shook him out of his reverie. "Food's ready, hyung. Just hope that Chulyong and Changsun-hyung hasn't done anything to it. And we hardly get a chance to spend time away from the cameras together, so stop moping." A teasing tone had weaved its way into Sanghyun's voice towards the end, and with little hesitation, he took the helping hand and brushed off the residue sand on his pants. As they made their way to the campfire, he spotted Byunghee wrestling Chulyong onto the sand and Changsun pouring what suspiciously looked like salt into the already cooked food. He shook his head despairingly, and proceeded to pull them off each other, and chuck Changsun away from the fire. As they finally settled and began eating, he watched the flames crackle amidst the quiet conversation. As the sparks and fumes rose and diffused into the air, he made another silent promise among all the others. They would never know. They couldn't know.