disillusionment
For my regular readers and friends, this is going to feel a little bit like it came out of the blue. The truth is, it's been percolating for awhile, but that's the truth about all of my posts lately. Whereas in college I would blurt out the first thing that came to my mind 90% of the time, I now only blurt things out 75% of the time. The more important something is, the more likely I am to clam up until I've got my final answer. (wow, almost wrote "final solution" just now... that would have been a bad thing to blurt)
Anyway.
So this semester of my program is uber-applied. Everything in Pastoral Care/ Counseling, ITP, Preaching, and to an extent Christian Mission is directly related to the day-to-day functions of being a pastor. The more I read the books for these courses, the more I start to wonder about my choices in theological education... which, since I my schedule has been dictated for 4 straight semesters that means my only choice in theological education, that being to come to the STH over other seminaries.
I've been catching up in my preaching textbook lately. There's been a lot in there about how to communicate ideas, and suggestions for helping more left-brain dominant people translate their abstract ideas into images and stories. I have always been right-brain dominant. I've always been artistically inclined, and people used to always listen to my stories and compliment me on them. Telling stories came naturally, as did thinking concretely. But I struggle in similar ways to those who are left-brain dominant when writing sermons. It's insane how academic approaches have been so ingrained into the way I think and do everything. Now what used to be a natural gift is squelched. My creativity is in there.... somewhere. If all this applied stuff is what's really important, why did I spend all this time, energy, and money sitting around Boston and getting smart about people like Kant, who in the end will help me very little?
Another thing: in mission, I found myself sitting with some serious tension. My professor is a world expert on mission. She's incredibly intelligent, poised, and wise... in fact, she's sitting on some of the most important directional committees in the whole United Methodist Church. She's a moderate. I like moderates- balance is good, as the Buddha taught us. But as a moderate, to some degree she is comfortable with and even supports the conservative evangelistic understanding of mission. And I just can't stand that perspective. I see the Church/ Sacramental and Kin-dom/ Social Justice models as much more important for living out Christ's mission. For me evangelism can get really offensive, really fast... in fact, on Thursday I have to present on a book that really makes my blood boil, because this perspective can easily lead to Muslim-bashing. But as I notice these things about my theology (FINE, I ADMIT IT, I'M A LIBERAL), I realize that I somehow want to be able to embrace some tiny aspect of the evangelism model. I ask myself why, and it's not about my personal theology... so what is it? The only thing I can conclude is that I really admire Dr. Robert a lot and I want her to be pleased with me. I think that if I disagree with her she will like me less than the other students.
That revelation really made me think. Have I been doing certain things- things in which I invest my whole self and energy for years- because I'm a pleaser? Why do I have such problems separating my own desires from the desires of my superiors and peers?
I wonder in the first place why I'm here. I remember that during my decision process in 2006-2007, I specifically decided I wanted rigorous academics. I thought, "I don't want to be a stupid pastor." I vividly recall interactions with pastors and future pastors who said things that were just ignorant. And I'm not talking about life in general, I'm talking about spiritual matters. The things they said just indicated to me that they were clueless when it came to knowing their Bible and faith traditions, out of touch with the experiences of the people around them, and incredibly shortsighted in their visions of how the Church would live into the fullness of its identity and mission. What I've been reading lately shows me that pastors absolutely must be well-read, immersed in their church/ community's experiences and culture, forward-thinking, and theologically creative. How can I possibly live up to that challenge if I spend all my time in outmoded conversations and studying topics that don't readily apply to ministry? I mean, what the hell does Kant have to do with what happens in pastor's office? Why are we STILL arguing about evolution? Who cares? What matters is that Timmy's dad just lost his job and Wendy's dog had to be put down.
I wonder some days if I should have saved time and money by staying in the Midwest and receiving a less scholarly, more hippie-esque applied theological education.
Some days I wonder how I managed to survive in the stifling homogenaity and cultural void of the Midwest. Other days I wonder what in the sam hell I am doing way the fuck out here.
Most days, either way, what I really need is a cold beer.
Anyway.
So this semester of my program is uber-applied. Everything in Pastoral Care/ Counseling, ITP, Preaching, and to an extent Christian Mission is directly related to the day-to-day functions of being a pastor. The more I read the books for these courses, the more I start to wonder about my choices in theological education... which, since I my schedule has been dictated for 4 straight semesters that means my only choice in theological education, that being to come to the STH over other seminaries.
I've been catching up in my preaching textbook lately. There's been a lot in there about how to communicate ideas, and suggestions for helping more left-brain dominant people translate their abstract ideas into images and stories. I have always been right-brain dominant. I've always been artistically inclined, and people used to always listen to my stories and compliment me on them. Telling stories came naturally, as did thinking concretely. But I struggle in similar ways to those who are left-brain dominant when writing sermons. It's insane how academic approaches have been so ingrained into the way I think and do everything. Now what used to be a natural gift is squelched. My creativity is in there.... somewhere. If all this applied stuff is what's really important, why did I spend all this time, energy, and money sitting around Boston and getting smart about people like Kant, who in the end will help me very little?
Another thing: in mission, I found myself sitting with some serious tension. My professor is a world expert on mission. She's incredibly intelligent, poised, and wise... in fact, she's sitting on some of the most important directional committees in the whole United Methodist Church. She's a moderate. I like moderates- balance is good, as the Buddha taught us. But as a moderate, to some degree she is comfortable with and even supports the conservative evangelistic understanding of mission. And I just can't stand that perspective. I see the Church/ Sacramental and Kin-dom/ Social Justice models as much more important for living out Christ's mission. For me evangelism can get really offensive, really fast... in fact, on Thursday I have to present on a book that really makes my blood boil, because this perspective can easily lead to Muslim-bashing. But as I notice these things about my theology (FINE, I ADMIT IT, I'M A LIBERAL), I realize that I somehow want to be able to embrace some tiny aspect of the evangelism model. I ask myself why, and it's not about my personal theology... so what is it? The only thing I can conclude is that I really admire Dr. Robert a lot and I want her to be pleased with me. I think that if I disagree with her she will like me less than the other students.
That revelation really made me think. Have I been doing certain things- things in which I invest my whole self and energy for years- because I'm a pleaser? Why do I have such problems separating my own desires from the desires of my superiors and peers?
I wonder in the first place why I'm here. I remember that during my decision process in 2006-2007, I specifically decided I wanted rigorous academics. I thought, "I don't want to be a stupid pastor." I vividly recall interactions with pastors and future pastors who said things that were just ignorant. And I'm not talking about life in general, I'm talking about spiritual matters. The things they said just indicated to me that they were clueless when it came to knowing their Bible and faith traditions, out of touch with the experiences of the people around them, and incredibly shortsighted in their visions of how the Church would live into the fullness of its identity and mission. What I've been reading lately shows me that pastors absolutely must be well-read, immersed in their church/ community's experiences and culture, forward-thinking, and theologically creative. How can I possibly live up to that challenge if I spend all my time in outmoded conversations and studying topics that don't readily apply to ministry? I mean, what the hell does Kant have to do with what happens in pastor's office? Why are we STILL arguing about evolution? Who cares? What matters is that Timmy's dad just lost his job and Wendy's dog had to be put down.
I wonder some days if I should have saved time and money by staying in the Midwest and receiving a less scholarly, more hippie-esque applied theological education.
Some days I wonder how I managed to survive in the stifling homogenaity and cultural void of the Midwest. Other days I wonder what in the sam hell I am doing way the fuck out here.
Most days, either way, what I really need is a cold beer.