heavy hearted
her name is Miriam. she's a sweet, slim girl with a shy face and a ready smile. almost two years younger than my little sister. she's been married twice already. first time, she was sixteen. after two years of sex with no children, he ran off to the big city and got caught with another girl. end of marriage one.
the second time she was eighteen, and now it's already been two more years and it's like a bad re-run. this time the guy is a little nicer, though-- he says, "well, i really like ya, and you've been a good wife, so i'll give you til the end of this year, and if you're still not pregnant, well... nothing for it, i'll have to divorce you. it's just the way things are done."
to make matters worse, when she went to the doctor last week for help, he not only gave her some mysterious medicine to stick inside herself, but he also threatened to give her what sounded like a dnc if she's not pregnant by next month. by next month? i don't even know if this girl understands her own cycle. they call their uterus their "stomach" (the same place they put food), and many of them have absolutely not one smidgen of an idea of what to expect on their wedding night. how can she contrive to get pregnant by next month?
hopeless. helpless. trapped. empty. forlorn. desolate, desperate, young, naive, victim... all these words crawl through my mind at regular intervals. i'm empty too. haven’t eaten anything all day, but that’s not why… i’m trying to imagine what barrenness feels like. shameful. like damaged goods, less than a woman. worthless. dysfunctional. a disappointment.
if she happens to cross your mind, or if you happen to see a beautiful little child playing somewhere, please take a minute to ask Jesus to please be merciful. oh, and by the way-- here, infertility is almost always the woman's fault. men, of course, are always flawless.
on a lighter note, i received a second adorable letter today from our little seven-year-old Compassion daughter in Bali... here's my favorite part:
"Delby mau menamba les vokal soalnya Delby suka menyanyi. Dan kalau lebih bagus Delby mau jodi penyanyi rohani u kemuliaan tuhan jangan lupa berdoa buat."
"Now I'm going to join a vocal course because I love singing. And if I can sing better, I wanna be a church-singer, to worship Him."
the second time she was eighteen, and now it's already been two more years and it's like a bad re-run. this time the guy is a little nicer, though-- he says, "well, i really like ya, and you've been a good wife, so i'll give you til the end of this year, and if you're still not pregnant, well... nothing for it, i'll have to divorce you. it's just the way things are done."
to make matters worse, when she went to the doctor last week for help, he not only gave her some mysterious medicine to stick inside herself, but he also threatened to give her what sounded like a dnc if she's not pregnant by next month. by next month? i don't even know if this girl understands her own cycle. they call their uterus their "stomach" (the same place they put food), and many of them have absolutely not one smidgen of an idea of what to expect on their wedding night. how can she contrive to get pregnant by next month?
hopeless. helpless. trapped. empty. forlorn. desolate, desperate, young, naive, victim... all these words crawl through my mind at regular intervals. i'm empty too. haven’t eaten anything all day, but that’s not why… i’m trying to imagine what barrenness feels like. shameful. like damaged goods, less than a woman. worthless. dysfunctional. a disappointment.
if she happens to cross your mind, or if you happen to see a beautiful little child playing somewhere, please take a minute to ask Jesus to please be merciful. oh, and by the way-- here, infertility is almost always the woman's fault. men, of course, are always flawless.
on a lighter note, i received a second adorable letter today from our little seven-year-old Compassion daughter in Bali... here's my favorite part:
"Delby mau menamba les vokal soalnya Delby suka menyanyi. Dan kalau lebih bagus Delby mau jodi penyanyi rohani u kemuliaan tuhan jangan lupa berdoa buat."
"Now I'm going to join a vocal course because I love singing. And if I can sing better, I wanna be a church-singer, to worship Him."