Afternoon!
What's up, livejournal? I noticed that I hadn't updated in a week and thought I should keep the dust from starting to gather! Be warned, this entry is a bit angry as I desperately need to vent....
It seems as though no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for my Granny (though honestly, I don't think I ever want to fit into her definition of "acceptable"). I thought our relationship was bad before, but now it appears to be nothing except pure animosity. She doesn't speak to me anymore unless she wants to ridicule something I'm doing or believe in. I've tried to be civil about it and I've tried to make this "bond" work, but I'm the only one that IS trying.
I don't care that she didn't get me a gift on my birthday, but she had no right to not get Katie something just because she's mad at me. She claims she didn't buy anything because we don't use the bikes she got us two years ago for Christmas. Really? Last time I checked, she didn't live with us and she didn't stalk our neighborhood 24/7 to see if I'm riding; which I do. I bike all of the time during the Summer. Again, I don't care that I didn't get anything from her; I don't want her gifts, but don't give some bull**** lie as your excuse. You're my elder, so I think it's time for you to grow up and start telling the truth. I also just love how she sat there being pissy, redirecting attention towards her during presents, and eating the food that I MADE without even wishing me a "Happy Birthday".
I've been critiqued on my looks by her at every visit. It ranges from everything to my hair, my size, my style. I remember her telling me when I was 11 that my hairstyle (that I loved) made me look like a hag. Then years later, she denies ever having said that! Who says that sort of thing to an 11 year old?! I cried and she really broke my self-esteem for a while. Apparently, my hair still makes me look "trashy". Hmm. I really don't consider bangs parted to the side trashy.
She doesn't like the people that I'm interested in. I've become very close with two boys over the past few years. Shawn and DeLarry are great friends and I really started to like both of them. I feel especially connected with Shawn so I decided to make a move. Granny found out I really liked someone but couldn't remember who. She asked and when I told her that it was Shawn she says "Oh Lord, kill me now! You are not going out with a black boy! They are terrible people!" I was just stunned. I knew the fighting was pointless but I corrected her on who he was. "Granny, the African American I'm really close with is DeLarry. Shawn is the other boy that hangs out with us." To which she replied, "Oh even better! You like the white boy that wants to be a n-----!" I was so pissed! I hate the 'n' word like you wouldn't believe and I'm even more outraged that she's denouncing the African American community that way period. I have an affinity for darker skin and that gets on her nerves. But I just can't believe she spoke that way around me.
She puts down my political and religious beliefs. Well, I'm sorry that I don't agree with your party and that I don't agree with everything that the Catholic Church says. They are my very personal beliefs and you have no right to pry about them, let alone the right to mock them! My connection with God is just that; MINE. I'm also sorry that my frequent encounters with ghosts bother you. You don't have to believe in them, but where do you get the audacity to tell me I'm making it all up? I have no reason to, and you know what, the experiences scare the hell out of me. The psychologist says I'm fine, so shove it.
She's telling me to get a job. Well have you noticed that the economy sucks and that there's nothing open in our city? Have you noticed that when there is, they're not looking for a high school student? What's the matter Granny? Afraid that I may succeed when it comes to my TRUE dreams? Astonished that they want to represent me? Can't believe that I'm actually writing a novel? All of the above? I thought so. You had the chance to chase your dreams and wasted it; I'm not wasting mine.
The emotional abuse would be so much easier for me to deal with if I had some back-up from my family. No luck. My mother supports me when she can, but it's difficult. Everyone else just tells me that she's going to die one day and that I should just suck it up. They also tell me to respect my elders. Fine. I have no problem respecting ANYBODY, but just because she's older doesn't mean that she can treat me however the hell she wants to. I may not have as many days under my belt but I'm still a soul and I deserve respect as much as anybody. And it's really hard to respect someone when they don't show any respect for me.
I'm done trying to make this thing work. The grandparents I loved, died years ago. I wish they were still here; Nancy would be trying to kick your @ss..... I don't think that the effort put into saving this last thread of the relationship is worth it. We don't work in each other's lives. Plain and simple. I'm sorry, I really am. I've played nice and bit my tongue, but I can't do that anymore. I need to cut you out of my life as much as possible. I think it's better this way. Goodbye.