Fic: Noir Sur le Noir (DMOC, Josh/Cooper, NC17)
Title: Noir Sur le Noir
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh and Cooper meet in Paris and Josh finds out that sometimes life really isn't fair. Part four of the Senior Year series.
Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the seat, telling himself again that he didn’t wish Cooper had just agreed to meet him in New York City. He had a feeling Cooper would have given him a hard time about running out on his group and causing a major incident anyway, but he really wasn’t looking forward to the flight to Paris. The flight from Indiana to New York and then the layover had been uncomfortable enough. He knew the guy that had ended up sitting next to him on the short trip to New York wished that he was anywhere else, and while the rest of the French Club talked about the trip during their layover he’d kept to himself and done his best to make sure they all forgot he was there.
He’d amused himself by picturing his classmates drawing straws to decide who had to sit next to him all the way to Paris; most of them wouldn’t even look at him, and the ones that did treated him like he was contagious. Which would have been almost funny if some of the people in his town didn’t actually believe that they could catch something from him. He wasn’t smart enough to lay low, though - oh, no, he’d actually encouraged his boyfriend to show up at the hotel and cause what he was sure was going to be a huge scene. At the time it had seemed like a great idea, because it meant he got to see Cooper and that was really all he’d cared about.
After sitting in JFK International while the entire French Club ignored him he wasn’t sure anymore if Cooper meeting him in Paris was a good thing. Everybody at school already treated him like a leper, and when his mom found out what he and Cooper were up to he’d be lucky if she let him speak to Cooper anymore. Scott and Randy hadn’t touched him since that first time, but he wasn’t blind and he saw the way people looked at him and whispered just loud enough for him to overhear. The whole thing just made him feel like even more of a freak than ever, and the only time he ever really felt even close to normal was when he was talking to Cooper.
He stifled a groan when he felt someone slide into the seat next to him, drawing himself as far as he could into the tiny coach seat that didn’t allow nearly enough room for his legs. If he could just sleep all the way to Paris then there would only be one more day before he was touching Cooper again, breathing the same air as him and feeling Cooper’s voice against his skin as he whispered in Josh’s ear. Every time he thought about it his entire body flushed, and he hadn’t been able to think about anything else for weeks.
“Switch with me.”
The familiar voice startled Josh out of his thoughts and he opened his eyes, swallowing a rush of fear as he found himself staring back at Randy’s younger sister Emily. “What?”
“Switch seats, my legs are a lot shorter than yours and I can’t watch you sit there for eight hours all twisted up like a pretzel.”
The thought that this might all be part of some joke at his expense crossed his mind even as he stood up to let her into the window seat. He sat down carefully, stretching his legs into the aisle a little as he refastened his seat belt.
“Better?”
“Uh…yeah. Thanks.”
Emily grinned and dropped her purse in her lap, digging through the contents until she found a pack of gum and offered him a piece. He didn’t realize he was eyeing it suspiciously until she laughed and took a piece out of the pack, unwrapping it and popping it in her mouth. “See? Not even poisoned. Geez, Miller, lighten up. You’ve been acting jumpy since we left the school. I mean I can understand why, I heard about what Randy and Scott did. Unlike my brother, though, I’m not a homophobic moron.”
Josh blinked and finally took the piece of gum she held out to him. “You mean you didn’t just draw the short straw?”
“What, because I’m sitting with you? No, I switched with Eric. He’s up front drooling on Kelly or Heather, I can never remember which one he’s got a thing for.”
“Heather. He’s been drooling over her since the seventh grade.”
Emily nodded and dropped her purse under the seat before she turned to face Josh again. “Look, I know you don’t really even know me. I mean if it wasn’t for French Club we’d probably never even talk to each other, I’m just a junior and you’re one of my brother’s. . .well, you used to be one of my brother’s friends.” She paused and gave him a wry grin. “Not that that’s much of a loss. But you can’t spend the whole trip trying to make yourself invisible. I mean if that’s the plan you should have just stayed in Sandborn.”
He still wasn’t sure what she wanted, but the idea of trying to keep a low profile while Cooper was anywhere near him struck him as funny and before he could stop himself he was laughing. “Believe me, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”
“Why? You planning another scene like the one at the party? Scott still won’t shut up about walking in on you and that guy, you know. Where’d you find him, anyway?”
Josh’s eyebrows shot up as he imagined what Scott had been telling people. It didn’t really surprise him that his former friend would embellish what he’d actually walked in on, after all it wasn’t that interesting a story if he told the truth. “I met him in New York when I went to the Mock United Nations,” Josh answered. “And Scott didn’t walk in on anything, by the way.”
“I knew he was lying,” she said, her eyes lighting up in a way that made Josh shift uncomfortably in his seat. He had a weird feeling that she was being completely sincere, but her sudden interest in him was a little unsettling. “So was he lying about those guys threatening him and Randy too?”
“What guys?”
“Right after they jumped you at school,” she answered, frowning as she looked at him and saw genuine confusion in his eyes. “Didn’t you hear? A couple days later somebody called both of them and told them if they knew what was good for them they’d leave you alone. I guess they were too embarrassed to tell anybody at school, but it must have scared them because I heard them talking about it at home. Randy still wanted to finish what they started but Scott talked him out of it. They said that guy you brought to the party was like in the mob or something.”
Josh opened his mouth and then closed it again when he realized there was no way he could possibly answer that. He’d thought it was a little strange that Randy and Scott had just backed off after that first time, but he’d tried not to think about it much because somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that if he did he’d jump to exactly the right conclusion. Cooper had offered to make a phone call, after all, and even though Josh had laughed off the possibility at the time it was the only explanation. “Cooper knows a lot of people,” he finally said when he looked back at Emily and found her staring at him.
“So you and this Cooper guy. . .you’re still together? Doesn’t he live in New York or something?”
He was so busy wondering when the details of his relationship had become public information that it took him a few seconds to register the question. “Yeah. . .he’s from Buffalo,” he finally said. Only Cooper wasn’t in Buffalo right now; in fact he was already on his way to Milan, and by the time they got done with their train tour he’d probably be waiting in the hotel in Paris. Josh’s stomach flipped and he swallowed the rush of nerves that always accompanied the thought of seeing Cooper again.
“Josh? You okay?”
Okay - that was a word he wasn’t sure would ever apply to him again, but he nodded anyway and forced himself to look at his seatmate. He wasn’t sure why this girl that he’d never really talked to before was suddenly interested in being his friend, but she was the only person to talk to at the moment and it didn’t seem to bother her that he had a boyfriend. Besides, she was going to find out along with everybody else the minute they walked into the hotel and he saw Cooper again. “Just nervous.”
“Don’t be, flying is safer than driving a car,” she said, glancing out the window as the plane finally started to taxi down the runway. “Once we take off you won’t even feel it.”
“No, it’s not the plane.” He swallowed convulsively when she turned away from the window, raising her eyebrows expectantly. He wasn’t sure if just coming out and telling her was the best idea he’d ever had, but he couldn’t sit there next to her for eight hours and pretend there was nothing bothering him. “Cooper’s. . .he’s kind of. . .he’s meeting us. . .I mean me. . .he’s meeting me at the hotel in Paris.”
“Really?” Josh nodded, relaxing marginally when she grinned at him. “Wow, that’s so romantic. He’s flying all the way to Paris just to see you?”
“Well technically he’s flying to Milan, then he’s catching a train to Paris,” Josh said, but it was obvious from her dreamy smile that she wasn’t interested in technical details.
“That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” she said, sighing dramatically as she leaned a little closer to Josh and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Your life is way more interesting than anybody’s back home. A rich boyfriend with ties to the mob that’s flying all the way to Europe just to be with you. . .nothing like that is ever going to happen to me.”
Josh laughed as the rest of the tension flowed out of him, letting himself get caught up in her enthusiasm. She was right, it really was romantic if he stopped to think about it. He tried not to, because whenever he did his stomach filled with butterflies and he always worried that he’d chicken out and cancel the trip completely. Now that he was actually on the plane, though, there was no turning back and it couldn’t hurt to think about it. In less than 48 hours he’d be with Cooper again, and no matter how much trouble he got in for inviting his boyfriend on a school trip he knew it would be worth it.
~
When he boarded the train in Milan he was almost looking forward to the trip, but by the time they crossed the border into France and Cooper had to switch trains the novelty of traveling the Eurail had begun to wear a little thin. If he hadn’t gotten stuck in a car with that exhausted-looking woman and her two obnoxious kids he might have actually gotten some sleep, but instead he spent most of the night staring out the window and trying to ignore the sound of her yelling at her kids in some language he didn’t understand.
At least this train wasn’t as packed as the last one had been; he still had at least four hours before they got to Paris and with any luck he could find an empty car and get a couple hours of sleep. Not that he thought he’d actually be able to fall asleep when he knew he’d be seeing Josh in just a few hours, but he didn’t really want to show up at the hotel looking like he hadn’t slept since he left New York. He glanced in each compartment as he made his way through the train, scowling irritably at the sleeping teenagers taking up every available seat. He was about to give up and go on to the next car when a door at the end of the row opened and a dark-haired teenager wearing a black tee shirt and a pair of black jeans stepped into the aisle.
Cooper’s heart skipped a beat as he registered the familiar lines of the body moving toward him. Josh’s head was down so he hadn’t seen Cooper yet, but it was definitely him. “Josh.”
Josh’s head snapped up at the sound of the familiar voice, his eyes wide as he stopped in the middle of the aisle and stared at Cooper. Shock looked just as good on him as nervous did, Cooper decided as he closed the distance between them and stopped just in front of the other boy. Josh looked tired, like he hadn’t gotten much sleep since he left home either. His eyes were a little red and his clothes were rumpled, his hair was a little longer than Cooper remembered and. . .was he wearing eyeliner? The idea of Josh in makeup didn’t add up, but those were definitely black smudges under his eyes and damn if he didn’t look even sexier all travel-weary with left-over makeup smeared under his eyes.
“Cooper? What are you. . .how. . .?” That seemed to be all Josh’s brain could manage, because after that he stopped trying to talk and leaned forward, grabbing the lapels of Cooper’s jacket and hauling him forward for a kiss. As soon as their lips met Cooper sighed and took hold of Josh’s hips, backing him toward the wall. Josh’s hands were already moving on his back, trying to pull him impossibly closer as he pressed the other boy into the wall. Maybe it was just the fact that they hadn’t been expecting to see each other on the train, or maybe it was just that they’d both spent so much time thinking about this moment that made it seem so much more intense, but either way Cooper wasn’t sure he ever needed to breathe or sleep or do anything ever again besides kiss Josh.
Eventually they had to come up for air, and he released the other boy’s lips and pulled away just enough to look up and mirror Josh’s stunned grin. “And here I was getting sick of sitting on the train.”
Josh opened his mouth and then closed it again, reaching up and tracing the outline of Cooper’s lips just to make sure he was really there. “What are you doing here?”
“Going to Paris to meet my boyfriend,” Cooper answered. “But you’ll do.”
That nervous grin that Cooper pictured every time he closed his eyes lit up Josh’s features then, and he shook his head. “So you just happen to be on the same train as me?”
“You never told me what train you were taking,” Cooper reminded him. “No way could I have planned this. I mean if you want I can go find another car and pretend I don’t know you until we get to Paris. . .”
Josh pushed himself off the wall and grabbed Cooper’s hand, hauling him forward for another hard kiss before he turned back in the direction of the compartment he’d stepped out of. “Not a chance. Come on.”
Cooper grinned at the back of his head and let Josh drag him into the compartment, stopping short when he realized it wasn’t empty. Brown hair, brown eyes - pretty in a nondescript way, but as soon as she caught sight of their entwined hands her features lit up in a grin that made Cooper think she knew something he should know.
“Don’t tell me,” Emily said, raising her eyebrows at Josh.
He pushed Cooper gently onto the seat across from her and sat down before he turned back to Emily. “Emily, this is Cooper. Cooper, this is Emily, she’s in French Club with me. I just walked out the door and there he was. Weird coincidence, huh?”
She shook her head and tried her best to look annoyed with the two of them, but she didn’t quite manage to erase her amused grin. “Man, nothing like that is ever gonna happen to me. And now I guess I have to get my own water, too. Figures.”
“Sorry,” Josh said, his smile fading as he remembered the reason he’d been in the aisle to run into Cooper in the first place. “I totally forgot, I’ll go.”
“Yeah, right,” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “Cooper, you want anything?”
“Thanks, I’ve got everything I want,” Cooper answered, his attention shifting back to Josh as she laughed and let herself out of the compartment. When they were alone Josh finally turned to look at him, leaning close enough to run his free hand through Cooper’s hair. Neither of them were sure how long they sat there just looking at each other, one of them leaning forward occasionally to press warm lips to the side of a neck or a cheek or a soft mouth. Josh was the first one to break the silence, with a whispered ‘I can’t believe you’re really here’ that made Cooper smile just because it was exactly the kind of thing Josh would say.
“Who’s your friend?” Cooper asked, glancing quickly in the direction of the door before he turned his attention back to Josh.
“Who, Emily?” Cooper nodded and shifted a little closer to the other boy as Josh smiled. “You remember Randy, the guy with the house? Emily’s his little sister. She’s a junior, we sat together on the plane and got to talking. I think she feels bad for being related to Randy in the first place. I told her all about you.”
“Yeah? So she’s not gonna freak out if she walks back in here while I’m doing this?” He leaned forward and covered Josh’s mouth with his, smiling against the other boy’s lips as something like a whimper escaped Josh’s throat. When they parted again Josh rested his forehead against Cooper’s, giving him a slightly distorted close-up of the dark smudges under his eyes. It was weird to see Josh wearing all black, let alone looking like the world’s most innocent club kid after an all-night rave. “Josh, why are you wearing eyeliner?”
“Wha. . .oh, shit. I’ll kill her.”
“Kill who?” Cooper asked. An image of Emily putting makeup on Josh while he was sleeping flashing in Cooper’s mind, maybe as a joke or just because she was bored. If that was the case Cooper wasn’t about to let Josh kill her - in fact he was contemplating buying her a car just to show his appreciation.
“Emily,” Josh groaned, closing his eyes as Cooper’s hand landed on his cheek to stroke along his cheekbone. “We got bored on the plane, and somehow she managed to talk me into letting her put that stuff on my eyes. I can’t believe I forgot to take it off and she just let me walk around like this all day.”
Thank God for teenage girls with too much time on their hands, Cooper thought as he watched Josh blush. His eyes were still closed, his lips parted slightly as Cooper kept up a slow stroking motion along his cheek, and the affect made Cooper’s groin tighten in anticipation of finally getting Josh alone in a hotel room. “Well I’m glad you forgot to take it off. It was worth the whole trip just to see you like this.”
“You have a thing for makeup now?” Josh asked, his eyes fluttering open to glare suspiciously at Cooper.
Cooper’s head shook against the seat, a lazy grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I have a thing for you, Josh. And right now you look really, really hot.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.” Cooper closed the last inch of space between them and opened his mouth against Josh’s throat, licking and nipping along smooth, salty skin. He stopped just below Josh’s earlobe and began to suck, smiling at the throaty chuckle that escaped Josh's throat as soon as he realized what Cooper was doing.
“Cooper. . .” Low, throaty voice, an octave lower than usual and breathless already. “If you start that now there’s no way we’re making it all the way to Paris. They’ll throw us off the train.”
Cooper ignored him until he was sure the mark would last, then he pulled back to plant a soft kiss on Josh’s lips. “I told you I wanted a whole day just to kiss you,” he said, punctuating his words with another press of lips on lips. “Since we’re here and we’ve got nothing better to do I might as well get started.”
“I don’t think I can survive a whole day of just kissing,” Josh murmured as Cooper’s lips trailed along his jaw and then back again. When he reached Josh’s mouth again he parted his lips, teasing the other boy’s mouth open with his tongue. Josh groaned and pulled him closer, strong hands finding their way under Cooper’s jacket.
“Okay,” Cooper said when they parted again, his lazy grin returning as he listened to the sound of their harsh breathing. “So we’ll call it four hours or so of just kissing, that should get us to the hotel.”
For a second Josh seemed to actually contemplate the compromise, but finally he nodded and leaned forward again. “I can live with that,” he murmured against Cooper’s mouth.
“Good, because you know what comes next.”
A shiver rolled through Josh’s body at the remembered promise, as though the words themselves had reached out and caressed him. “You’re gonna fuck me until I can’t remember my name. That’s not the kind of promise you tend to forget.”
Josh’s whole body flushed as he listened to himself say the words; he never felt comfortable saying that kind of stuff, even after months of Cooper whispering to him over the phone while they jerked off together. He chalked it up to the fact that he was in a foreign country and still reeling from the fact that Cooper was sitting next to him, more or less sharing the same space in the center of the bench seat. As soon as he said the words out loud Cooper groaned, and it was worth any lingering embarrassment Josh felt as the other boy pulled him forward and planted a hard kiss on him.
They vaguely registered the sound of the door opening, taking their time pulling away from each other to glance over at the source of the interruption. When Josh finally turned glassy, slightly unfocused eyes on Emily he found her grinning unrepentantly, obviously not at all embarrassed at the fact that she was staring. “Here’s your Coke,” she announced as she handed over Josh’s soda. “And I brought one for you, too,” she added as she turned her attention to Cooper. “You look like you could use it.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the bottle and twisting the cap off as he stared back at her.
“So you’re the guy that put the hit out on my brother,” she said as she watched him take a long drink of lukewarm soda. He swallowed too hard and coughed, stealing a glance at Josh before he turned back to her.
“I did not.”
“Okay, maybe that was wishful thinking,” she said, grinning a little wider at his expression. “But I know you did something. Scott’s scared to even look at Josh.”
Suddenly Cooper knew how Scott felt, because he wasn’t at all sure he wanted to look over and see the expression on Josh’s face. If he knew anything about what Cooper had done he hadn’t mentioned it, so either that meant he wasn’t mad or it meant he was just finding out. “I didn’t do anything. Okay, I made one, maybe two phone calls to an uncle in Chicago that knows a few people. But they were just supposed to be suggestions.” Finally he forced himself to look over at Josh, his heart skipping a beat at the other boy’s unreadable expression. “I couldn’t just wait around for it to happen again, Josh. I mean you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place if it wasn’t for me.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Josh said. He looked over at Emily long enough to make sure she knew he meant it before he turned back to Cooper again.
“Josh...”
“Later, okay?” He leaned forward and pressed their lips together again, willing away the rush of fear that came along with thinking about Cooper’s family. “Right now we’re still on kissing,” he whispered, leaning close to Cooper’s ear so Emily wouldn’t overhear him. “Then there’s that other thing. Talking comes after that.”
A nod and a convulsive swallow were Josh’s only indication that Cooper was willing to let the subject drop until they didn’t have an audience. Part of him wanted to talk about it now, to finally just tell Cooper how nervous the thought of his family made Josh. He couldn’t ask Emily to get lost, though, especially not considering she seemed to be the only person in his hometown aside from his mother that didn’t think he was diseased. He still hadn’t figured that one out, because regardless of how much Emily hated her older brother she was still a member of the richest family in Sandborn. So maybe she was just being nice to him because she knew it would piss her parents off, but it was better than nothing. He squeezed the hand that was still entwined with his and changed the subject, hoping the next four hours would pass quickly so he could finally get Cooper alone.
~
As it turned out the subway ride from the train station to the hotel was even more tedious than the train ride, because they were surrounded by not only Josh’s classmates but the teacher that was chaperoning the trip. That didn’t stop him from sitting next to Cooper, although they were already starting to get weird looks from his teacher and he knew eventually she’d start demanding answers. He just hoped she’d wait until after they got to the hotel and had some time to get settled in their rooms, because he didn’t want to think about anything except Cooper until they got a chance to be alone for awhile.
When they finally got to the hotel he waited impatiently while Ms. Timmons handed out room assignments, then followed the rest of the group up to the third floor. When his teacher finally let herself into her own room he slipped back into the stairwell, ignoring the curious glances of the guy he was supposed to share a room with and a few other students that were still gathered in the hallway. He focused his attention on getting back down to the lobby before Cooper finished checking in, telling himself it didn’t bother him that the kids from school were probably already thinking up new rumors to spread about him when they got back to Indiana.
By the time he got back to the lobby the concierge was handing over Cooper’s key, and he forgot all about the looks on the other kids’ faces and focused completely on the boy standing in front of him. Cooper turned and caught Josh’s eye, grinning as he reached for his suitcase and crossed the lobby to stop in front of the other boy. “That was fast.”
“Not fast enough for me,” Josh answered, leaning close enough to breathe in the scent of expensive cologne as he followed Cooper toward the stairs.
“Well lucky for you we’re on the first floor so we don’t have far to go. I paid extra to get a room away from that obnoxious group of teenagers.”
Josh laughed as he stopped next to the door Cooper indicated and waited for the other boy to remember where he’d put the key. When they finally got inside he dropped his bag on a small table near the door and turned to watch Cooper set his suitcase down on the luggage rack. He grinned as he realized that he wouldn’t even know that that was what it was for if it wasn’t for Cooper; this was only his third hotel experience and every one of them had been with Cooper.
He sank onto the edge of the bed and looked around the room, only vaguely registering details as Cooper turned back toward him. He watched while the other boy slid his jacket off and dropped it on top of his suitcase, then he slowly made his way across the room to stop in front of Josh.
“You should wear black more often.”
“Goes with the makeup, anyway,” Josh answered, a crooked grin tugging at the corners of his mouth as Cooper smiled at him. Less than a second later he was flat on his back with Cooper on top of him, supporting himself on his elbows as he looked down at Josh.
Cooper reached out and pushed a few wayward locks of hair away from Josh’s forehead, letting his fingers trail down Josh’s cheek to the mark on his neck. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Josh whispered around the lump in his throat. He’d thought it was cool enough hearing that over the phone, but to look in Cooper’s eyes and see the emotion as he heard the words was almost overwhelming. The way Cooper smiled when he said it back, though - that made it worth all the waiting, all the anticipation and even the questions he was going to have to answer when his teacher and his mother got a hold of him again.
“You’re gonna get in trouble when your teacher figures out who I am, aren’t you?”
“Probably.” Josh slid his hands down Cooper’s sides and under his shirt, smiling at the shiver that rolled through the body on top of him. “Didn’t we say we were gonna talk later?”
“Right,” Cooper murmured. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Josh’s, one hand working its way between them to push Josh’s tee shirt up his chest. If they weren’t looking for Josh already they would be soon, but even the risk that the concierge might tell the chaperone where they were wasn’t enough to make him stop. Not after four hours on a train together, making small talk with Emily and then finally falling asleep with Josh’s head pressed against his shoulder. It was weird how much he’d enjoyed the train ride despite the fact that all they could do was touch. He was still getting used to being with someone that he could just enjoy hanging out with, let alone talk to for hours with 600 miles between them.
Even now that they were finally alone with little chance of interruption he found himself wanting to take his time, getting to know every inch of Josh all over again. After four hours of not being able to do more than kiss he was surprised he wasn’t tearing their clothes off, but he remembered Josh’s reaction to that when he’d first showed up in Indiana and he wasn’t about to make the same mistake again. He wanted things to be perfect for the next six days, because it was the last chance they had to be together until they both graduated from high school.
He paused when Josh began tugging more urgently at his shirt, tearing his mouth away from the other boy’s only long enough to pull his shirt over his head. He dropped his shirt on the floor in time to watch Josh tug his tee shirt over his head, groaning at the sight of all that pale skin he’d been dreaming about every night since October. As soon as their shirts hit the floor he dove for Josh’s mouth again, coaxing his lips apart and rocking their hips together. Every nerve, every brain cell was busy analyzing and categorizing the taste of Josh on his tongue, the feeling of smooth, smooth skin under his hands and tucking away the memory for future reference. The thought that he could fill an entire library with volumes of research on Josh’s variety of little moans alone made him laugh, hot puffs of air against Josh’s skin as his mouth traveled down, down the graceful column of Josh’s throat.
And he didn’t even know he thought things like ‘graceful’ and ‘beautiful’ - sure as hell never said them out loud, but the thought made him smile anyway as he reached Josh’s chest and caught one pink nipple between his teeth. It got him another little moan to add to his collection, along with a hand fisting in his hair and tightening almost too much before Josh remembered and unclenched his fist. Little nips and kisses down Josh’s stomach to open his mouth against perfect pale skin, and he got the same thrill he always did at knowing that when he was done there would be a perfect mark to show that he’d been there.
Josh writhed underneath him, searching uselessly for any friction to ease the steadily increasing ache in his groin, until Cooper finally let him up and kissed his way back up Josh’s chest to find his mouth again. He wondered vaguely how much time they had, but asking meant reminding Josh of where they were and maybe even reminding him that they really didn’t have time for slow and torturous and aware of every touch, every single detail of the way Josh felt against him. So he didn’t ask, just rolled onto his side and pulled Josh with him, up against him and tugging one leg up over his hip. A short, sharp gasp when Josh’s hardness brushed against his and he didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice or even the strength of his need until Josh’s hand slid past his waistband and he realized for the first time that somehow he’d gotten Cooper’s pants open without him even noticing.
He arched into the touch before he could stop himself, laughing against Josh’s mouth at his own pathetic lack of control whenever Josh was involved. If this was what it felt like to be out of control he never wanted to be in control again, because it felt too good - too right pressed against hot, pulsing flesh. And even the way Josh touched him was almost reverent, familiar and needy and still a little shy right around the edges, just enough to tell him he’d never get enough of Josh no matter how long he managed to hold onto him.
“Wait,” he gasped, lips still pressed against Josh’s mouth and breathing the word against his skin. Josh stopped and pulled back, flushed and breathless and looking a little confused. He wanted to ask Josh for empty promises of forever, ask him for things both of them wanted but neither of them could guarantee but instead he reached out and smoothed the creases out of Josh’s forehead. Being in love made it hard to breathe, as it turned out, like there was a weight on his chest and pressing down and the only thing that could make it let up even for a few seconds was to keep on kissing Josh for as long as he’d let him.
“Love you,” Josh whispered, the words swallowed in a kiss and Cooper didn’t even know that that was what he was looking for until Josh said it again. Later maybe he’d find it unfair that Josh was cheating; that he’d found a way around ever telling Cooper what he wanted or learning to say all those words that made his cheeks flush and his voice catch in his throat, because now he knew that all he had to do was whisper ‘love you’ in that voice like warm honey and Cooper would do anything - anything just to hear it again.
He fumbled with the button on Josh’s jeans, finally forcing it open by sheer force of will and sliding the zipper down to ease down denim that slid easily over slim hips. Josh’s boxers followed and he kicked both pieces of fabric down onto the floor at the end of the bed before he wrapped himself around Cooper again and. . .just melted right into him like this was exactly where he’d always belonged.
The hot slickness of pre-come hit Cooper’s bare stomach as Josh thrust against him, and he reached into the pocket of his own pants and fumbled for lube to drop on the mattress above them before he kicked off the rest of his clothes. Still Josh rocked against him, and Cooper’s hands slid across hot flesh to land on Josh’s hip and gently nudge him over onto his other side. Two fingers slicked quickly as Josh turned and Cooper opened his mouth against the shoulder pressed against his chest, smiling at the breathy moan when he nudged Josh’s knee toward his chest and slid one finger inside.
A moment of tension against him before Josh’s breathing changed and Cooper could feel him relaxing, forcing himself to open as he pushed back to draw Cooper’s finger as far into him as he could. And even though he chose the position he found himself a little disappointed that he couldn’t see Josh’s face, couldn’t watch him moan and strain for just a little bit more and then finally lose control with a breathy ‘oh’ against Cooper’s mouth. Thought about turning Josh over again, maybe on his knees to take him hard and fast the way Cooper promised over the phone that first time he listened to Josh come long-distance, but he knew if he did it would be over way too soon and this was the best way to make it last.
He took his time stretching Josh, listening to each change in his breathing and wondering the whole time how it was possible that he hadn’t come yet just from listening to Josh while he watched him thrust back against Cooper. When he couldn’t stand it anymore he pulled back long enough to roll the condom down and coat it with lube, pressing a kiss to the center of Josh’s neck as he took hold of his cock and slid inside in one long stroke. A muted hiss was the only signal that Josh wasn’t used to the stretch; that they’d done this before but only enough to let him know that it was going to burn a little until he relaxed and not enough for him to not be nervous. Although he wasn’t sure if Josh would ever not be a little nervous, and he wondered idly if that had something to do with growing up sheltered in a small town or if Josh was just that kind of guy.
Shyness looked good on him, though, and Cooper didn’t want to take it away completely because that meant losing part of what made him fall in love with Josh in the first place. His mind wandered back to their first weekend together, that first night after they held hands on the elevator when Josh sat down on his bed and kicked off his shoes, leaning back to offer himself to Cooper without words because even if he did know how to say it he wouldn’t be able to. And maybe that was the exact moment he fell in love with Josh, when he leaned back and begged Cooper with his eyes to tell him what he wanted, to make him feel something he knew he craved but no one had ever taught him the words for.
Josh rocked back harder against him, each thrust punctuated by a grunt or a low moan as Josh’s body flushed with exertion this time instead of modesty. Another word Cooper didn’t realize until that moment he’d ever have a use for, and he was learning new things about both of them with every touch, every kiss and every brush of skin against skin. And Josh chose that moment to surprise him, to spoil in the best way possible all Cooper’s plans to draw this out and make it last just by gasping one word that he didn’t think he’d ever hear from Josh: “Harder.”
And again, even as Cooper sped up his thrusts there was that voice again: “Cooper, please. . .” Not a request or a commandment - just need, pure and simple. Josh telling Cooper what he needed before he even had to ask, and even if Cooper only imagined the words he knew by the way Josh thrust back to meet each stroke that this was exactly what he wanted. Way too soon he felt himself closing in on Loss Of Control, and he reached around Josh to close his fist around his erection. At first just holding, slight caress of fingertips as he counted Josh’s heartbeat against his palm. And he’d never thought much of his name until he heard it roll off Josh’s tongue, but suddenly it was his favorite sound in the world especially when it was breathy and needy and just on the edge of out of control.
His thrusts picked up speed as he began moving his fist, letting Josh thrust into it and sliding his thumb across the slick head with every upstroke. His own grunts of exertion joined Josh’s in the otherwise stillness of the room as they moved together, sweat-slicked chest sliding against the hot skin stretched across Josh’s back. One more thrust and Josh gasped and arched back against him, hot wetness covering his fingers and Josh’s stomach as Cooper buried himself deep, deep inside and let Josh pull him over the edge.
They lay tangled together and panting for long moments, Cooper pulling his hand off Josh’s slowly softening cock to lift his fingers to his mouth and taste. He forced himself to pull away, pushing himself onto his knees to drop the condom in the trash before he collapsed against the mattress again. He felt so weightless he wondered why he didn’t float right off the bed, and he couldn’t remember ever being so tired and sated and restless all at once. He didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to close his eyes even because that meant missing a few seconds of his time with Josh but he couldn’t fight the heavy weight that somehow moved from his chest to his eyelids while he wasn’t paying attention.
“Are you supposed to be somewhere today?”
His voice sounded foreign and far away, like an imitation of something that he was supposed to recognize but couldn’t quite place. Maybe because he already knew the answer without asking, but he made himself ask anyway because he didn’t want to be the reason Josh ever faced a second of suspicion even though he knew it was already too late. He’d seen the way the chaperone looked at him when Josh sat down next to him on the subway, and even though he’d kept out of the way as much as possible in the lobby he couldn’t guarantee she hadn’t seen him again when they got to the hotel.
“There was some lunch thing,” Josh answered in a sleepy, sleepy voice that warmed Cooper in a way that shouldn’t be possible considering how little sleep he’d gotten in the last few days. “I probably already missed it.”
The first realization that they hadn’t really thought this whole Paris thing through hit him when he pictured Josh getting up and getting dressed and going back to playing the shy, quiet high school kid while the rest of the kids from back home ignored him. Thinking about it now he couldn’t believe he hadn’t stopped long enough to consider how much time they’d actually have together, but when he’d come up with this plan all he’d been thinking about was seeing Josh. Nothing else mattered at the time, but now that they were together again he couldn’t help resenting the circumstances that would leave him alone in his hotel room counting the minutes until Josh came back.
Josh shifted against him and pushed himself up on one elbow, the fine hairs around his forehead still clinging to damp skin as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cooper’s again. “Not that I was planning to go anywhere,” he said when he pulled back. “Unless you’re trying to get rid of me already.”
“Yeah, right.” The shaky laugh betrayed him, though, and he covered by sitting up and tugging the covers they’d never bothered with down the bed. Josh followed him up, reaching out to help Cooper fold the sheet back and stretching out between layers of cool cotton to look at Cooper again.
Cooper who was still sitting up, the sheet draped more or less over his lap as he drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. Josh reached out and ran a hand down his back, frowning at the tension he found there. “Cooper?”
He turned to look at Josh even though he didn’t really want to; he hated this part because it was the part where they talked and he’d never been any good at that stuff. He didn’t have the words for most of the stuff he felt whenever he was with Josh. He could sweet talk his way out of practically any kind of trouble and he was a master at getting certain people to feel sorry enough for him to help him get his way, but nothing with Josh was a game and if he couldn’t play by a set of rules he didn’t know how to even start.
“I guess this is the part where we talk.” Flat, emotionless tone, which was weird because wasn’t it just a few minutes ago when he was feeling every breath, every touch more acutely than he even though possible?
“Not if you don’t want to,” Josh said, pulling his hand away from Cooper’s skin and leaving a chill where living heat had been pressed a moment before. “Look, Cooper, I’m not mad about the thing with Scott and Randy. I’m not, it’s just. . .” He paused as though he was weighing the words, testing each one out on his tongue before he strung them all together. “Sometimes it makes me. . .I don’t know, nervous, I guess, thinking about your family. I mean when you talk about your dad it’s always to say how he doesn’t approve of you. And you make a big joke out of it but what happens when he decides he hates me? That’s your life, Cooper, and I’m not even part of it. Not really.”
Cooper wasn’t sure how to answer him; he’d never thought about how things might look to an outsider and anyway as far as he was concerned Josh was no more an outsider than he was. There were times when he felt like he wasn’t even a part of the family that he’d grown up around, in fact he felt that way more often than not and when he was with Josh it was the only time he could really forget how far away he was from what people expected of him. He knew he should just say that, just open his mouth and let the words tumble out because even if they didn’t make sense Josh would understand them. When he did turn to look at the other boy he opened his mouth and tried to push the words out but when he finally found his voice he didn’t say what he meant to say at all.
“I need more, Josh.”
“More what?” The look of genuine fear and confusion on Josh’s face made his heart skip a beat and even he wasn’t sure what he meant by ‘more’ until Josh pulled him back down onto the mattress and stretched out on his side so they were face to face again.
More than just tagging along with Nick because he felt sorry for Cooper but didn’t want to show it. More than parents that barely speak to him unless he thinks up a new way to disappoint them. More than just ‘I love you too, Coop, but I’ve gotta go do this thing so just wait here and I’ll be back to have sex with you later’. He couldn’t say any of that, though, not while Josh was staring back at him from just inches away looking like the next words out of Cooper’s mouth might make or break the rest of his life. “My life. . .the way things are at home, that’s not what I want,” he finally said. “Like college - my dad thinks it’s a waste of time, that I should stay home and learn the family business because that’s what he expects me to do. Meanwhile Nick’s dad doesn’t want him anywhere near the family business and that’s all Nick wants to do. Irony’s a real bitch sometimes.”
He could tell Josh was still confused, that he was holding back from asking any questions that might make Cooper stop talking. He didn’t know if he’d be able to stop even if he wanted to, though, now that he’d actually started to voice some of the things that had been keeping him awake at night for the past few months. “Before I met you I never thought about the future. I just figured college wasn’t gonna happen so why worry about it, right? I didn’t even apply anywhere because I knew my dad wouldn’t let me go. Then I met you and I don’t even know how it happened, but all of a sudden I cared what happened to me ten years from now. I took one look at you that first day and all of a sudden my life wasn’t good enough anymore. Scared the hell out of me.”
“It scared me too,” Josh said, smiling a little but Cooper could tell how hard it was for him to say this stuff out loud and it made him feel better that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t find the words to say how he felt. “I mean you could probably tell how scared I was that first night, even before you kissed me.”
Cooper smiled too at the memory of Josh stumbling over his words that night in the deli, trying to find a way to tell Cooper that he was gay and he was having a hard time dealing with the fact that even in someplace like New York City he couldn’t just be himself without worrying about who might not like it. He remembered thinking back then that it was kinda sweet how nervous Josh was about just holding his hand in public, but after seeing his so-called friends’ reactions to Josh’s coming out and hearing the pain Josh tried to hide after Scott and Randy worked him over. . .he closed his eyes against that memory because it still made him feel guilty even though there was nothing he could do to stop it. “If you’d had any idea how much I wanted you from the first second you tripped over Nick you wouldn’t have been scared at all.”
“I still would’ve been terrified,” Josh answered, a wry grin turning up the corners of his mouth as he reached out to run a hand through Cooper’s hair. “And that was when I figured you’d never want to talk to me again after that night. Once I figured out that you still wanted me around I was even more scared that I was gonna do something to screw it up.”
“There’s no way.” Cooper leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Josh’s, an almost desperate crush of lips against lips before he pulled back and flattened his palm against Josh’s chest. “The thing is that before I met you I didn’t care, you know? Nothing’s really changed, I mean I still hang out with Nick and fight with my parents but now I actually care what happens after high school. No matter what my dad says.”
“Even if he decides to put a hit out on me?”
It was only half a joke, which was weird all on its own because who ever would have thought they’d be having this conversation? “That’s not how it works. Not really. Josh. . .” Cooper stopped talking, pushing himself up on one elbow as Josh rolled over on his back to stare up at the ceiling. They’d never talked about this before, his family came up but only long enough for Cooper to laugh off how much it really hurt every time one of his parents reminded him of how much he disappointed them. “Do you really think about that?”
“Come on, Cooper, it’d be kind of hard not to, considering.” Josh closed his eyes when Cooper reached for him; he didn’t flinch or try to move away but the fact that Josh wouldn’t look at him hurt almost as much as if he’d gotten up and started putting his clothes back on. “The two times that we’ve actually managed to see each other your cousin's been there the whole time, and when you talk about your family all you say is that your dad can barely stand the sight of you and you never even mention your mother. They expect you to go right from high school into the wide world of plumbing supplies, and meanwhile I’ll be in Massachusetts trying not to fail out of my classes while I’m wondering what you’re doing. Nothing’s going to change, it’ll be just like high school only I’ll have a different phone number.”
“No.” He didn’t set out to put such force behind the word, but suddenly the idea that Josh could think even for a second that he wouldn’t find a way to make sure they were together was unthinkable. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach, like he was trapped underwater and he couldn’t find a way back to the surface. “Josh, please, I’m trying to tell you that it doesn’t matter what my dad expects. He can’t hold me prisoner forever - he can cut me off, throw me out of his house and pretend he never had a son, but he can’t make me give up the only thing that means anything to me. You and me - no matter how many of my family members decide to turn their backs on me.”
He hadn’t meant to say all of that out loud; he’d told himself he wasn’t going to make empty promises about a future neither of them could predict. As soon as he said it out loud it didn’t feel so empty, though, and even though he knew firsthand how short-lived relationships could be especially at their age he wanted to believe they could somehow be the exception to the rule. He knew one thing - he’d never been willing to turn his back even on his screwed-up family for anyone before Josh, but even as much as he loved the cousin who'd always treated him like a brother he knew Josh would come first in everything from now on.
Josh still wasn’t saying anything, but he’d opened his eyes as soon as Cooper started talking and as soon as Cooper finished he turned back onto his side, surging up to fuse their lips together again. His hands found their way to Josh’s hair as the other boy pressed him back against the pillows, the kiss charging through every nerve in his body. He thought about telling Josh the whole truth, confessing that he’d been working on a way to make sure they were together as much as possible for at least the next four years. Then Josh reached between them and closed his hand around Cooper’s quickly growing erection, and any rational thought flew out of his mind as he mirrored Josh’s movements. They never stopped kissing as they brought each other off, eventually just a press of lips on lips as they breathed the same air and moaned their release into each other’s mouths.
As Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall against his chest Cooper decided that it was better to wait until he was sure before he told Josh about his college plans. He didn’t want to get the other boy’s hopes up in case his mother found a way to intervene or his father had a last minute change of heart, but after seeing Josh again he knew that no matter what his parents did there was no way they were going to keep him from being with Josh. He’d meant every word of what he said about making sure they stayed together in spite of how impossible it seemed, he just hoped that Josh trusted him enough to believe that he could do it.
Fandom: Dead Man On Campus
Pairing: Josh/Cooper
Rating: NC17
Summary: AU. Josh and Cooper meet in Paris and Josh finds out that sometimes life really isn't fair. Part four of the Senior Year series.
Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the seat, telling himself again that he didn’t wish Cooper had just agreed to meet him in New York City. He had a feeling Cooper would have given him a hard time about running out on his group and causing a major incident anyway, but he really wasn’t looking forward to the flight to Paris. The flight from Indiana to New York and then the layover had been uncomfortable enough. He knew the guy that had ended up sitting next to him on the short trip to New York wished that he was anywhere else, and while the rest of the French Club talked about the trip during their layover he’d kept to himself and done his best to make sure they all forgot he was there.
He’d amused himself by picturing his classmates drawing straws to decide who had to sit next to him all the way to Paris; most of them wouldn’t even look at him, and the ones that did treated him like he was contagious. Which would have been almost funny if some of the people in his town didn’t actually believe that they could catch something from him. He wasn’t smart enough to lay low, though - oh, no, he’d actually encouraged his boyfriend to show up at the hotel and cause what he was sure was going to be a huge scene. At the time it had seemed like a great idea, because it meant he got to see Cooper and that was really all he’d cared about.
After sitting in JFK International while the entire French Club ignored him he wasn’t sure anymore if Cooper meeting him in Paris was a good thing. Everybody at school already treated him like a leper, and when his mom found out what he and Cooper were up to he’d be lucky if she let him speak to Cooper anymore. Scott and Randy hadn’t touched him since that first time, but he wasn’t blind and he saw the way people looked at him and whispered just loud enough for him to overhear. The whole thing just made him feel like even more of a freak than ever, and the only time he ever really felt even close to normal was when he was talking to Cooper.
He stifled a groan when he felt someone slide into the seat next to him, drawing himself as far as he could into the tiny coach seat that didn’t allow nearly enough room for his legs. If he could just sleep all the way to Paris then there would only be one more day before he was touching Cooper again, breathing the same air as him and feeling Cooper’s voice against his skin as he whispered in Josh’s ear. Every time he thought about it his entire body flushed, and he hadn’t been able to think about anything else for weeks.
“Switch with me.”
The familiar voice startled Josh out of his thoughts and he opened his eyes, swallowing a rush of fear as he found himself staring back at Randy’s younger sister Emily. “What?”
“Switch seats, my legs are a lot shorter than yours and I can’t watch you sit there for eight hours all twisted up like a pretzel.”
The thought that this might all be part of some joke at his expense crossed his mind even as he stood up to let her into the window seat. He sat down carefully, stretching his legs into the aisle a little as he refastened his seat belt.
“Better?”
“Uh…yeah. Thanks.”
Emily grinned and dropped her purse in her lap, digging through the contents until she found a pack of gum and offered him a piece. He didn’t realize he was eyeing it suspiciously until she laughed and took a piece out of the pack, unwrapping it and popping it in her mouth. “See? Not even poisoned. Geez, Miller, lighten up. You’ve been acting jumpy since we left the school. I mean I can understand why, I heard about what Randy and Scott did. Unlike my brother, though, I’m not a homophobic moron.”
Josh blinked and finally took the piece of gum she held out to him. “You mean you didn’t just draw the short straw?”
“What, because I’m sitting with you? No, I switched with Eric. He’s up front drooling on Kelly or Heather, I can never remember which one he’s got a thing for.”
“Heather. He’s been drooling over her since the seventh grade.”
Emily nodded and dropped her purse under the seat before she turned to face Josh again. “Look, I know you don’t really even know me. I mean if it wasn’t for French Club we’d probably never even talk to each other, I’m just a junior and you’re one of my brother’s. . .well, you used to be one of my brother’s friends.” She paused and gave him a wry grin. “Not that that’s much of a loss. But you can’t spend the whole trip trying to make yourself invisible. I mean if that’s the plan you should have just stayed in Sandborn.”
He still wasn’t sure what she wanted, but the idea of trying to keep a low profile while Cooper was anywhere near him struck him as funny and before he could stop himself he was laughing. “Believe me, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”
“Why? You planning another scene like the one at the party? Scott still won’t shut up about walking in on you and that guy, you know. Where’d you find him, anyway?”
Josh’s eyebrows shot up as he imagined what Scott had been telling people. It didn’t really surprise him that his former friend would embellish what he’d actually walked in on, after all it wasn’t that interesting a story if he told the truth. “I met him in New York when I went to the Mock United Nations,” Josh answered. “And Scott didn’t walk in on anything, by the way.”
“I knew he was lying,” she said, her eyes lighting up in a way that made Josh shift uncomfortably in his seat. He had a weird feeling that she was being completely sincere, but her sudden interest in him was a little unsettling. “So was he lying about those guys threatening him and Randy too?”
“What guys?”
“Right after they jumped you at school,” she answered, frowning as she looked at him and saw genuine confusion in his eyes. “Didn’t you hear? A couple days later somebody called both of them and told them if they knew what was good for them they’d leave you alone. I guess they were too embarrassed to tell anybody at school, but it must have scared them because I heard them talking about it at home. Randy still wanted to finish what they started but Scott talked him out of it. They said that guy you brought to the party was like in the mob or something.”
Josh opened his mouth and then closed it again when he realized there was no way he could possibly answer that. He’d thought it was a little strange that Randy and Scott had just backed off after that first time, but he’d tried not to think about it much because somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that if he did he’d jump to exactly the right conclusion. Cooper had offered to make a phone call, after all, and even though Josh had laughed off the possibility at the time it was the only explanation. “Cooper knows a lot of people,” he finally said when he looked back at Emily and found her staring at him.
“So you and this Cooper guy. . .you’re still together? Doesn’t he live in New York or something?”
He was so busy wondering when the details of his relationship had become public information that it took him a few seconds to register the question. “Yeah. . .he’s from Buffalo,” he finally said. Only Cooper wasn’t in Buffalo right now; in fact he was already on his way to Milan, and by the time they got done with their train tour he’d probably be waiting in the hotel in Paris. Josh’s stomach flipped and he swallowed the rush of nerves that always accompanied the thought of seeing Cooper again.
“Josh? You okay?”
Okay - that was a word he wasn’t sure would ever apply to him again, but he nodded anyway and forced himself to look at his seatmate. He wasn’t sure why this girl that he’d never really talked to before was suddenly interested in being his friend, but she was the only person to talk to at the moment and it didn’t seem to bother her that he had a boyfriend. Besides, she was going to find out along with everybody else the minute they walked into the hotel and he saw Cooper again. “Just nervous.”
“Don’t be, flying is safer than driving a car,” she said, glancing out the window as the plane finally started to taxi down the runway. “Once we take off you won’t even feel it.”
“No, it’s not the plane.” He swallowed convulsively when she turned away from the window, raising her eyebrows expectantly. He wasn’t sure if just coming out and telling her was the best idea he’d ever had, but he couldn’t sit there next to her for eight hours and pretend there was nothing bothering him. “Cooper’s. . .he’s kind of. . .he’s meeting us. . .I mean me. . .he’s meeting me at the hotel in Paris.”
“Really?” Josh nodded, relaxing marginally when she grinned at him. “Wow, that’s so romantic. He’s flying all the way to Paris just to see you?”
“Well technically he’s flying to Milan, then he’s catching a train to Paris,” Josh said, but it was obvious from her dreamy smile that she wasn’t interested in technical details.
“That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” she said, sighing dramatically as she leaned a little closer to Josh and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Your life is way more interesting than anybody’s back home. A rich boyfriend with ties to the mob that’s flying all the way to Europe just to be with you. . .nothing like that is ever going to happen to me.”
Josh laughed as the rest of the tension flowed out of him, letting himself get caught up in her enthusiasm. She was right, it really was romantic if he stopped to think about it. He tried not to, because whenever he did his stomach filled with butterflies and he always worried that he’d chicken out and cancel the trip completely. Now that he was actually on the plane, though, there was no turning back and it couldn’t hurt to think about it. In less than 48 hours he’d be with Cooper again, and no matter how much trouble he got in for inviting his boyfriend on a school trip he knew it would be worth it.
~
When he boarded the train in Milan he was almost looking forward to the trip, but by the time they crossed the border into France and Cooper had to switch trains the novelty of traveling the Eurail had begun to wear a little thin. If he hadn’t gotten stuck in a car with that exhausted-looking woman and her two obnoxious kids he might have actually gotten some sleep, but instead he spent most of the night staring out the window and trying to ignore the sound of her yelling at her kids in some language he didn’t understand.
At least this train wasn’t as packed as the last one had been; he still had at least four hours before they got to Paris and with any luck he could find an empty car and get a couple hours of sleep. Not that he thought he’d actually be able to fall asleep when he knew he’d be seeing Josh in just a few hours, but he didn’t really want to show up at the hotel looking like he hadn’t slept since he left New York. He glanced in each compartment as he made his way through the train, scowling irritably at the sleeping teenagers taking up every available seat. He was about to give up and go on to the next car when a door at the end of the row opened and a dark-haired teenager wearing a black tee shirt and a pair of black jeans stepped into the aisle.
Cooper’s heart skipped a beat as he registered the familiar lines of the body moving toward him. Josh’s head was down so he hadn’t seen Cooper yet, but it was definitely him. “Josh.”
Josh’s head snapped up at the sound of the familiar voice, his eyes wide as he stopped in the middle of the aisle and stared at Cooper. Shock looked just as good on him as nervous did, Cooper decided as he closed the distance between them and stopped just in front of the other boy. Josh looked tired, like he hadn’t gotten much sleep since he left home either. His eyes were a little red and his clothes were rumpled, his hair was a little longer than Cooper remembered and. . .was he wearing eyeliner? The idea of Josh in makeup didn’t add up, but those were definitely black smudges under his eyes and damn if he didn’t look even sexier all travel-weary with left-over makeup smeared under his eyes.
“Cooper? What are you. . .how. . .?” That seemed to be all Josh’s brain could manage, because after that he stopped trying to talk and leaned forward, grabbing the lapels of Cooper’s jacket and hauling him forward for a kiss. As soon as their lips met Cooper sighed and took hold of Josh’s hips, backing him toward the wall. Josh’s hands were already moving on his back, trying to pull him impossibly closer as he pressed the other boy into the wall. Maybe it was just the fact that they hadn’t been expecting to see each other on the train, or maybe it was just that they’d both spent so much time thinking about this moment that made it seem so much more intense, but either way Cooper wasn’t sure he ever needed to breathe or sleep or do anything ever again besides kiss Josh.
Eventually they had to come up for air, and he released the other boy’s lips and pulled away just enough to look up and mirror Josh’s stunned grin. “And here I was getting sick of sitting on the train.”
Josh opened his mouth and then closed it again, reaching up and tracing the outline of Cooper’s lips just to make sure he was really there. “What are you doing here?”
“Going to Paris to meet my boyfriend,” Cooper answered. “But you’ll do.”
That nervous grin that Cooper pictured every time he closed his eyes lit up Josh’s features then, and he shook his head. “So you just happen to be on the same train as me?”
“You never told me what train you were taking,” Cooper reminded him. “No way could I have planned this. I mean if you want I can go find another car and pretend I don’t know you until we get to Paris. . .”
Josh pushed himself off the wall and grabbed Cooper’s hand, hauling him forward for another hard kiss before he turned back in the direction of the compartment he’d stepped out of. “Not a chance. Come on.”
Cooper grinned at the back of his head and let Josh drag him into the compartment, stopping short when he realized it wasn’t empty. Brown hair, brown eyes - pretty in a nondescript way, but as soon as she caught sight of their entwined hands her features lit up in a grin that made Cooper think she knew something he should know.
“Don’t tell me,” Emily said, raising her eyebrows at Josh.
He pushed Cooper gently onto the seat across from her and sat down before he turned back to Emily. “Emily, this is Cooper. Cooper, this is Emily, she’s in French Club with me. I just walked out the door and there he was. Weird coincidence, huh?”
She shook her head and tried her best to look annoyed with the two of them, but she didn’t quite manage to erase her amused grin. “Man, nothing like that is ever gonna happen to me. And now I guess I have to get my own water, too. Figures.”
“Sorry,” Josh said, his smile fading as he remembered the reason he’d been in the aisle to run into Cooper in the first place. “I totally forgot, I’ll go.”
“Yeah, right,” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “Cooper, you want anything?”
“Thanks, I’ve got everything I want,” Cooper answered, his attention shifting back to Josh as she laughed and let herself out of the compartment. When they were alone Josh finally turned to look at him, leaning close enough to run his free hand through Cooper’s hair. Neither of them were sure how long they sat there just looking at each other, one of them leaning forward occasionally to press warm lips to the side of a neck or a cheek or a soft mouth. Josh was the first one to break the silence, with a whispered ‘I can’t believe you’re really here’ that made Cooper smile just because it was exactly the kind of thing Josh would say.
“Who’s your friend?” Cooper asked, glancing quickly in the direction of the door before he turned his attention back to Josh.
“Who, Emily?” Cooper nodded and shifted a little closer to the other boy as Josh smiled. “You remember Randy, the guy with the house? Emily’s his little sister. She’s a junior, we sat together on the plane and got to talking. I think she feels bad for being related to Randy in the first place. I told her all about you.”
“Yeah? So she’s not gonna freak out if she walks back in here while I’m doing this?” He leaned forward and covered Josh’s mouth with his, smiling against the other boy’s lips as something like a whimper escaped Josh’s throat. When they parted again Josh rested his forehead against Cooper’s, giving him a slightly distorted close-up of the dark smudges under his eyes. It was weird to see Josh wearing all black, let alone looking like the world’s most innocent club kid after an all-night rave. “Josh, why are you wearing eyeliner?”
“Wha. . .oh, shit. I’ll kill her.”
“Kill who?” Cooper asked. An image of Emily putting makeup on Josh while he was sleeping flashing in Cooper’s mind, maybe as a joke or just because she was bored. If that was the case Cooper wasn’t about to let Josh kill her - in fact he was contemplating buying her a car just to show his appreciation.
“Emily,” Josh groaned, closing his eyes as Cooper’s hand landed on his cheek to stroke along his cheekbone. “We got bored on the plane, and somehow she managed to talk me into letting her put that stuff on my eyes. I can’t believe I forgot to take it off and she just let me walk around like this all day.”
Thank God for teenage girls with too much time on their hands, Cooper thought as he watched Josh blush. His eyes were still closed, his lips parted slightly as Cooper kept up a slow stroking motion along his cheek, and the affect made Cooper’s groin tighten in anticipation of finally getting Josh alone in a hotel room. “Well I’m glad you forgot to take it off. It was worth the whole trip just to see you like this.”
“You have a thing for makeup now?” Josh asked, his eyes fluttering open to glare suspiciously at Cooper.
Cooper’s head shook against the seat, a lazy grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I have a thing for you, Josh. And right now you look really, really hot.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.” Cooper closed the last inch of space between them and opened his mouth against Josh’s throat, licking and nipping along smooth, salty skin. He stopped just below Josh’s earlobe and began to suck, smiling at the throaty chuckle that escaped Josh's throat as soon as he realized what Cooper was doing.
“Cooper. . .” Low, throaty voice, an octave lower than usual and breathless already. “If you start that now there’s no way we’re making it all the way to Paris. They’ll throw us off the train.”
Cooper ignored him until he was sure the mark would last, then he pulled back to plant a soft kiss on Josh’s lips. “I told you I wanted a whole day just to kiss you,” he said, punctuating his words with another press of lips on lips. “Since we’re here and we’ve got nothing better to do I might as well get started.”
“I don’t think I can survive a whole day of just kissing,” Josh murmured as Cooper’s lips trailed along his jaw and then back again. When he reached Josh’s mouth again he parted his lips, teasing the other boy’s mouth open with his tongue. Josh groaned and pulled him closer, strong hands finding their way under Cooper’s jacket.
“Okay,” Cooper said when they parted again, his lazy grin returning as he listened to the sound of their harsh breathing. “So we’ll call it four hours or so of just kissing, that should get us to the hotel.”
For a second Josh seemed to actually contemplate the compromise, but finally he nodded and leaned forward again. “I can live with that,” he murmured against Cooper’s mouth.
“Good, because you know what comes next.”
A shiver rolled through Josh’s body at the remembered promise, as though the words themselves had reached out and caressed him. “You’re gonna fuck me until I can’t remember my name. That’s not the kind of promise you tend to forget.”
Josh’s whole body flushed as he listened to himself say the words; he never felt comfortable saying that kind of stuff, even after months of Cooper whispering to him over the phone while they jerked off together. He chalked it up to the fact that he was in a foreign country and still reeling from the fact that Cooper was sitting next to him, more or less sharing the same space in the center of the bench seat. As soon as he said the words out loud Cooper groaned, and it was worth any lingering embarrassment Josh felt as the other boy pulled him forward and planted a hard kiss on him.
They vaguely registered the sound of the door opening, taking their time pulling away from each other to glance over at the source of the interruption. When Josh finally turned glassy, slightly unfocused eyes on Emily he found her grinning unrepentantly, obviously not at all embarrassed at the fact that she was staring. “Here’s your Coke,” she announced as she handed over Josh’s soda. “And I brought one for you, too,” she added as she turned her attention to Cooper. “You look like you could use it.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the bottle and twisting the cap off as he stared back at her.
“So you’re the guy that put the hit out on my brother,” she said as she watched him take a long drink of lukewarm soda. He swallowed too hard and coughed, stealing a glance at Josh before he turned back to her.
“I did not.”
“Okay, maybe that was wishful thinking,” she said, grinning a little wider at his expression. “But I know you did something. Scott’s scared to even look at Josh.”
Suddenly Cooper knew how Scott felt, because he wasn’t at all sure he wanted to look over and see the expression on Josh’s face. If he knew anything about what Cooper had done he hadn’t mentioned it, so either that meant he wasn’t mad or it meant he was just finding out. “I didn’t do anything. Okay, I made one, maybe two phone calls to an uncle in Chicago that knows a few people. But they were just supposed to be suggestions.” Finally he forced himself to look over at Josh, his heart skipping a beat at the other boy’s unreadable expression. “I couldn’t just wait around for it to happen again, Josh. I mean you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place if it wasn’t for me.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Josh said. He looked over at Emily long enough to make sure she knew he meant it before he turned back to Cooper again.
“Josh...”
“Later, okay?” He leaned forward and pressed their lips together again, willing away the rush of fear that came along with thinking about Cooper’s family. “Right now we’re still on kissing,” he whispered, leaning close to Cooper’s ear so Emily wouldn’t overhear him. “Then there’s that other thing. Talking comes after that.”
A nod and a convulsive swallow were Josh’s only indication that Cooper was willing to let the subject drop until they didn’t have an audience. Part of him wanted to talk about it now, to finally just tell Cooper how nervous the thought of his family made Josh. He couldn’t ask Emily to get lost, though, especially not considering she seemed to be the only person in his hometown aside from his mother that didn’t think he was diseased. He still hadn’t figured that one out, because regardless of how much Emily hated her older brother she was still a member of the richest family in Sandborn. So maybe she was just being nice to him because she knew it would piss her parents off, but it was better than nothing. He squeezed the hand that was still entwined with his and changed the subject, hoping the next four hours would pass quickly so he could finally get Cooper alone.
~
As it turned out the subway ride from the train station to the hotel was even more tedious than the train ride, because they were surrounded by not only Josh’s classmates but the teacher that was chaperoning the trip. That didn’t stop him from sitting next to Cooper, although they were already starting to get weird looks from his teacher and he knew eventually she’d start demanding answers. He just hoped she’d wait until after they got to the hotel and had some time to get settled in their rooms, because he didn’t want to think about anything except Cooper until they got a chance to be alone for awhile.
When they finally got to the hotel he waited impatiently while Ms. Timmons handed out room assignments, then followed the rest of the group up to the third floor. When his teacher finally let herself into her own room he slipped back into the stairwell, ignoring the curious glances of the guy he was supposed to share a room with and a few other students that were still gathered in the hallway. He focused his attention on getting back down to the lobby before Cooper finished checking in, telling himself it didn’t bother him that the kids from school were probably already thinking up new rumors to spread about him when they got back to Indiana.
By the time he got back to the lobby the concierge was handing over Cooper’s key, and he forgot all about the looks on the other kids’ faces and focused completely on the boy standing in front of him. Cooper turned and caught Josh’s eye, grinning as he reached for his suitcase and crossed the lobby to stop in front of the other boy. “That was fast.”
“Not fast enough for me,” Josh answered, leaning close enough to breathe in the scent of expensive cologne as he followed Cooper toward the stairs.
“Well lucky for you we’re on the first floor so we don’t have far to go. I paid extra to get a room away from that obnoxious group of teenagers.”
Josh laughed as he stopped next to the door Cooper indicated and waited for the other boy to remember where he’d put the key. When they finally got inside he dropped his bag on a small table near the door and turned to watch Cooper set his suitcase down on the luggage rack. He grinned as he realized that he wouldn’t even know that that was what it was for if it wasn’t for Cooper; this was only his third hotel experience and every one of them had been with Cooper.
He sank onto the edge of the bed and looked around the room, only vaguely registering details as Cooper turned back toward him. He watched while the other boy slid his jacket off and dropped it on top of his suitcase, then he slowly made his way across the room to stop in front of Josh.
“You should wear black more often.”
“Goes with the makeup, anyway,” Josh answered, a crooked grin tugging at the corners of his mouth as Cooper smiled at him. Less than a second later he was flat on his back with Cooper on top of him, supporting himself on his elbows as he looked down at Josh.
Cooper reached out and pushed a few wayward locks of hair away from Josh’s forehead, letting his fingers trail down Josh’s cheek to the mark on his neck. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Josh whispered around the lump in his throat. He’d thought it was cool enough hearing that over the phone, but to look in Cooper’s eyes and see the emotion as he heard the words was almost overwhelming. The way Cooper smiled when he said it back, though - that made it worth all the waiting, all the anticipation and even the questions he was going to have to answer when his teacher and his mother got a hold of him again.
“You’re gonna get in trouble when your teacher figures out who I am, aren’t you?”
“Probably.” Josh slid his hands down Cooper’s sides and under his shirt, smiling at the shiver that rolled through the body on top of him. “Didn’t we say we were gonna talk later?”
“Right,” Cooper murmured. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Josh’s, one hand working its way between them to push Josh’s tee shirt up his chest. If they weren’t looking for Josh already they would be soon, but even the risk that the concierge might tell the chaperone where they were wasn’t enough to make him stop. Not after four hours on a train together, making small talk with Emily and then finally falling asleep with Josh’s head pressed against his shoulder. It was weird how much he’d enjoyed the train ride despite the fact that all they could do was touch. He was still getting used to being with someone that he could just enjoy hanging out with, let alone talk to for hours with 600 miles between them.
Even now that they were finally alone with little chance of interruption he found himself wanting to take his time, getting to know every inch of Josh all over again. After four hours of not being able to do more than kiss he was surprised he wasn’t tearing their clothes off, but he remembered Josh’s reaction to that when he’d first showed up in Indiana and he wasn’t about to make the same mistake again. He wanted things to be perfect for the next six days, because it was the last chance they had to be together until they both graduated from high school.
He paused when Josh began tugging more urgently at his shirt, tearing his mouth away from the other boy’s only long enough to pull his shirt over his head. He dropped his shirt on the floor in time to watch Josh tug his tee shirt over his head, groaning at the sight of all that pale skin he’d been dreaming about every night since October. As soon as their shirts hit the floor he dove for Josh’s mouth again, coaxing his lips apart and rocking their hips together. Every nerve, every brain cell was busy analyzing and categorizing the taste of Josh on his tongue, the feeling of smooth, smooth skin under his hands and tucking away the memory for future reference. The thought that he could fill an entire library with volumes of research on Josh’s variety of little moans alone made him laugh, hot puffs of air against Josh’s skin as his mouth traveled down, down the graceful column of Josh’s throat.
And he didn’t even know he thought things like ‘graceful’ and ‘beautiful’ - sure as hell never said them out loud, but the thought made him smile anyway as he reached Josh’s chest and caught one pink nipple between his teeth. It got him another little moan to add to his collection, along with a hand fisting in his hair and tightening almost too much before Josh remembered and unclenched his fist. Little nips and kisses down Josh’s stomach to open his mouth against perfect pale skin, and he got the same thrill he always did at knowing that when he was done there would be a perfect mark to show that he’d been there.
Josh writhed underneath him, searching uselessly for any friction to ease the steadily increasing ache in his groin, until Cooper finally let him up and kissed his way back up Josh’s chest to find his mouth again. He wondered vaguely how much time they had, but asking meant reminding Josh of where they were and maybe even reminding him that they really didn’t have time for slow and torturous and aware of every touch, every single detail of the way Josh felt against him. So he didn’t ask, just rolled onto his side and pulled Josh with him, up against him and tugging one leg up over his hip. A short, sharp gasp when Josh’s hardness brushed against his and he didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice or even the strength of his need until Josh’s hand slid past his waistband and he realized for the first time that somehow he’d gotten Cooper’s pants open without him even noticing.
He arched into the touch before he could stop himself, laughing against Josh’s mouth at his own pathetic lack of control whenever Josh was involved. If this was what it felt like to be out of control he never wanted to be in control again, because it felt too good - too right pressed against hot, pulsing flesh. And even the way Josh touched him was almost reverent, familiar and needy and still a little shy right around the edges, just enough to tell him he’d never get enough of Josh no matter how long he managed to hold onto him.
“Wait,” he gasped, lips still pressed against Josh’s mouth and breathing the word against his skin. Josh stopped and pulled back, flushed and breathless and looking a little confused. He wanted to ask Josh for empty promises of forever, ask him for things both of them wanted but neither of them could guarantee but instead he reached out and smoothed the creases out of Josh’s forehead. Being in love made it hard to breathe, as it turned out, like there was a weight on his chest and pressing down and the only thing that could make it let up even for a few seconds was to keep on kissing Josh for as long as he’d let him.
“Love you,” Josh whispered, the words swallowed in a kiss and Cooper didn’t even know that that was what he was looking for until Josh said it again. Later maybe he’d find it unfair that Josh was cheating; that he’d found a way around ever telling Cooper what he wanted or learning to say all those words that made his cheeks flush and his voice catch in his throat, because now he knew that all he had to do was whisper ‘love you’ in that voice like warm honey and Cooper would do anything - anything just to hear it again.
He fumbled with the button on Josh’s jeans, finally forcing it open by sheer force of will and sliding the zipper down to ease down denim that slid easily over slim hips. Josh’s boxers followed and he kicked both pieces of fabric down onto the floor at the end of the bed before he wrapped himself around Cooper again and. . .just melted right into him like this was exactly where he’d always belonged.
The hot slickness of pre-come hit Cooper’s bare stomach as Josh thrust against him, and he reached into the pocket of his own pants and fumbled for lube to drop on the mattress above them before he kicked off the rest of his clothes. Still Josh rocked against him, and Cooper’s hands slid across hot flesh to land on Josh’s hip and gently nudge him over onto his other side. Two fingers slicked quickly as Josh turned and Cooper opened his mouth against the shoulder pressed against his chest, smiling at the breathy moan when he nudged Josh’s knee toward his chest and slid one finger inside.
A moment of tension against him before Josh’s breathing changed and Cooper could feel him relaxing, forcing himself to open as he pushed back to draw Cooper’s finger as far into him as he could. And even though he chose the position he found himself a little disappointed that he couldn’t see Josh’s face, couldn’t watch him moan and strain for just a little bit more and then finally lose control with a breathy ‘oh’ against Cooper’s mouth. Thought about turning Josh over again, maybe on his knees to take him hard and fast the way Cooper promised over the phone that first time he listened to Josh come long-distance, but he knew if he did it would be over way too soon and this was the best way to make it last.
He took his time stretching Josh, listening to each change in his breathing and wondering the whole time how it was possible that he hadn’t come yet just from listening to Josh while he watched him thrust back against Cooper. When he couldn’t stand it anymore he pulled back long enough to roll the condom down and coat it with lube, pressing a kiss to the center of Josh’s neck as he took hold of his cock and slid inside in one long stroke. A muted hiss was the only signal that Josh wasn’t used to the stretch; that they’d done this before but only enough to let him know that it was going to burn a little until he relaxed and not enough for him to not be nervous. Although he wasn’t sure if Josh would ever not be a little nervous, and he wondered idly if that had something to do with growing up sheltered in a small town or if Josh was just that kind of guy.
Shyness looked good on him, though, and Cooper didn’t want to take it away completely because that meant losing part of what made him fall in love with Josh in the first place. His mind wandered back to their first weekend together, that first night after they held hands on the elevator when Josh sat down on his bed and kicked off his shoes, leaning back to offer himself to Cooper without words because even if he did know how to say it he wouldn’t be able to. And maybe that was the exact moment he fell in love with Josh, when he leaned back and begged Cooper with his eyes to tell him what he wanted, to make him feel something he knew he craved but no one had ever taught him the words for.
Josh rocked back harder against him, each thrust punctuated by a grunt or a low moan as Josh’s body flushed with exertion this time instead of modesty. Another word Cooper didn’t realize until that moment he’d ever have a use for, and he was learning new things about both of them with every touch, every kiss and every brush of skin against skin. And Josh chose that moment to surprise him, to spoil in the best way possible all Cooper’s plans to draw this out and make it last just by gasping one word that he didn’t think he’d ever hear from Josh: “Harder.”
And again, even as Cooper sped up his thrusts there was that voice again: “Cooper, please. . .” Not a request or a commandment - just need, pure and simple. Josh telling Cooper what he needed before he even had to ask, and even if Cooper only imagined the words he knew by the way Josh thrust back to meet each stroke that this was exactly what he wanted. Way too soon he felt himself closing in on Loss Of Control, and he reached around Josh to close his fist around his erection. At first just holding, slight caress of fingertips as he counted Josh’s heartbeat against his palm. And he’d never thought much of his name until he heard it roll off Josh’s tongue, but suddenly it was his favorite sound in the world especially when it was breathy and needy and just on the edge of out of control.
His thrusts picked up speed as he began moving his fist, letting Josh thrust into it and sliding his thumb across the slick head with every upstroke. His own grunts of exertion joined Josh’s in the otherwise stillness of the room as they moved together, sweat-slicked chest sliding against the hot skin stretched across Josh’s back. One more thrust and Josh gasped and arched back against him, hot wetness covering his fingers and Josh’s stomach as Cooper buried himself deep, deep inside and let Josh pull him over the edge.
They lay tangled together and panting for long moments, Cooper pulling his hand off Josh’s slowly softening cock to lift his fingers to his mouth and taste. He forced himself to pull away, pushing himself onto his knees to drop the condom in the trash before he collapsed against the mattress again. He felt so weightless he wondered why he didn’t float right off the bed, and he couldn’t remember ever being so tired and sated and restless all at once. He didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to close his eyes even because that meant missing a few seconds of his time with Josh but he couldn’t fight the heavy weight that somehow moved from his chest to his eyelids while he wasn’t paying attention.
“Are you supposed to be somewhere today?”
His voice sounded foreign and far away, like an imitation of something that he was supposed to recognize but couldn’t quite place. Maybe because he already knew the answer without asking, but he made himself ask anyway because he didn’t want to be the reason Josh ever faced a second of suspicion even though he knew it was already too late. He’d seen the way the chaperone looked at him when Josh sat down next to him on the subway, and even though he’d kept out of the way as much as possible in the lobby he couldn’t guarantee she hadn’t seen him again when they got to the hotel.
“There was some lunch thing,” Josh answered in a sleepy, sleepy voice that warmed Cooper in a way that shouldn’t be possible considering how little sleep he’d gotten in the last few days. “I probably already missed it.”
The first realization that they hadn’t really thought this whole Paris thing through hit him when he pictured Josh getting up and getting dressed and going back to playing the shy, quiet high school kid while the rest of the kids from back home ignored him. Thinking about it now he couldn’t believe he hadn’t stopped long enough to consider how much time they’d actually have together, but when he’d come up with this plan all he’d been thinking about was seeing Josh. Nothing else mattered at the time, but now that they were together again he couldn’t help resenting the circumstances that would leave him alone in his hotel room counting the minutes until Josh came back.
Josh shifted against him and pushed himself up on one elbow, the fine hairs around his forehead still clinging to damp skin as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cooper’s again. “Not that I was planning to go anywhere,” he said when he pulled back. “Unless you’re trying to get rid of me already.”
“Yeah, right.” The shaky laugh betrayed him, though, and he covered by sitting up and tugging the covers they’d never bothered with down the bed. Josh followed him up, reaching out to help Cooper fold the sheet back and stretching out between layers of cool cotton to look at Cooper again.
Cooper who was still sitting up, the sheet draped more or less over his lap as he drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. Josh reached out and ran a hand down his back, frowning at the tension he found there. “Cooper?”
He turned to look at Josh even though he didn’t really want to; he hated this part because it was the part where they talked and he’d never been any good at that stuff. He didn’t have the words for most of the stuff he felt whenever he was with Josh. He could sweet talk his way out of practically any kind of trouble and he was a master at getting certain people to feel sorry enough for him to help him get his way, but nothing with Josh was a game and if he couldn’t play by a set of rules he didn’t know how to even start.
“I guess this is the part where we talk.” Flat, emotionless tone, which was weird because wasn’t it just a few minutes ago when he was feeling every breath, every touch more acutely than he even though possible?
“Not if you don’t want to,” Josh said, pulling his hand away from Cooper’s skin and leaving a chill where living heat had been pressed a moment before. “Look, Cooper, I’m not mad about the thing with Scott and Randy. I’m not, it’s just. . .” He paused as though he was weighing the words, testing each one out on his tongue before he strung them all together. “Sometimes it makes me. . .I don’t know, nervous, I guess, thinking about your family. I mean when you talk about your dad it’s always to say how he doesn’t approve of you. And you make a big joke out of it but what happens when he decides he hates me? That’s your life, Cooper, and I’m not even part of it. Not really.”
Cooper wasn’t sure how to answer him; he’d never thought about how things might look to an outsider and anyway as far as he was concerned Josh was no more an outsider than he was. There were times when he felt like he wasn’t even a part of the family that he’d grown up around, in fact he felt that way more often than not and when he was with Josh it was the only time he could really forget how far away he was from what people expected of him. He knew he should just say that, just open his mouth and let the words tumble out because even if they didn’t make sense Josh would understand them. When he did turn to look at the other boy he opened his mouth and tried to push the words out but when he finally found his voice he didn’t say what he meant to say at all.
“I need more, Josh.”
“More what?” The look of genuine fear and confusion on Josh’s face made his heart skip a beat and even he wasn’t sure what he meant by ‘more’ until Josh pulled him back down onto the mattress and stretched out on his side so they were face to face again.
More than just tagging along with Nick because he felt sorry for Cooper but didn’t want to show it. More than parents that barely speak to him unless he thinks up a new way to disappoint them. More than just ‘I love you too, Coop, but I’ve gotta go do this thing so just wait here and I’ll be back to have sex with you later’. He couldn’t say any of that, though, not while Josh was staring back at him from just inches away looking like the next words out of Cooper’s mouth might make or break the rest of his life. “My life. . .the way things are at home, that’s not what I want,” he finally said. “Like college - my dad thinks it’s a waste of time, that I should stay home and learn the family business because that’s what he expects me to do. Meanwhile Nick’s dad doesn’t want him anywhere near the family business and that’s all Nick wants to do. Irony’s a real bitch sometimes.”
He could tell Josh was still confused, that he was holding back from asking any questions that might make Cooper stop talking. He didn’t know if he’d be able to stop even if he wanted to, though, now that he’d actually started to voice some of the things that had been keeping him awake at night for the past few months. “Before I met you I never thought about the future. I just figured college wasn’t gonna happen so why worry about it, right? I didn’t even apply anywhere because I knew my dad wouldn’t let me go. Then I met you and I don’t even know how it happened, but all of a sudden I cared what happened to me ten years from now. I took one look at you that first day and all of a sudden my life wasn’t good enough anymore. Scared the hell out of me.”
“It scared me too,” Josh said, smiling a little but Cooper could tell how hard it was for him to say this stuff out loud and it made him feel better that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t find the words to say how he felt. “I mean you could probably tell how scared I was that first night, even before you kissed me.”
Cooper smiled too at the memory of Josh stumbling over his words that night in the deli, trying to find a way to tell Cooper that he was gay and he was having a hard time dealing with the fact that even in someplace like New York City he couldn’t just be himself without worrying about who might not like it. He remembered thinking back then that it was kinda sweet how nervous Josh was about just holding his hand in public, but after seeing his so-called friends’ reactions to Josh’s coming out and hearing the pain Josh tried to hide after Scott and Randy worked him over. . .he closed his eyes against that memory because it still made him feel guilty even though there was nothing he could do to stop it. “If you’d had any idea how much I wanted you from the first second you tripped over Nick you wouldn’t have been scared at all.”
“I still would’ve been terrified,” Josh answered, a wry grin turning up the corners of his mouth as he reached out to run a hand through Cooper’s hair. “And that was when I figured you’d never want to talk to me again after that night. Once I figured out that you still wanted me around I was even more scared that I was gonna do something to screw it up.”
“There’s no way.” Cooper leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Josh’s, an almost desperate crush of lips against lips before he pulled back and flattened his palm against Josh’s chest. “The thing is that before I met you I didn’t care, you know? Nothing’s really changed, I mean I still hang out with Nick and fight with my parents but now I actually care what happens after high school. No matter what my dad says.”
“Even if he decides to put a hit out on me?”
It was only half a joke, which was weird all on its own because who ever would have thought they’d be having this conversation? “That’s not how it works. Not really. Josh. . .” Cooper stopped talking, pushing himself up on one elbow as Josh rolled over on his back to stare up at the ceiling. They’d never talked about this before, his family came up but only long enough for Cooper to laugh off how much it really hurt every time one of his parents reminded him of how much he disappointed them. “Do you really think about that?”
“Come on, Cooper, it’d be kind of hard not to, considering.” Josh closed his eyes when Cooper reached for him; he didn’t flinch or try to move away but the fact that Josh wouldn’t look at him hurt almost as much as if he’d gotten up and started putting his clothes back on. “The two times that we’ve actually managed to see each other your cousin's been there the whole time, and when you talk about your family all you say is that your dad can barely stand the sight of you and you never even mention your mother. They expect you to go right from high school into the wide world of plumbing supplies, and meanwhile I’ll be in Massachusetts trying not to fail out of my classes while I’m wondering what you’re doing. Nothing’s going to change, it’ll be just like high school only I’ll have a different phone number.”
“No.” He didn’t set out to put such force behind the word, but suddenly the idea that Josh could think even for a second that he wouldn’t find a way to make sure they were together was unthinkable. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach, like he was trapped underwater and he couldn’t find a way back to the surface. “Josh, please, I’m trying to tell you that it doesn’t matter what my dad expects. He can’t hold me prisoner forever - he can cut me off, throw me out of his house and pretend he never had a son, but he can’t make me give up the only thing that means anything to me. You and me - no matter how many of my family members decide to turn their backs on me.”
He hadn’t meant to say all of that out loud; he’d told himself he wasn’t going to make empty promises about a future neither of them could predict. As soon as he said it out loud it didn’t feel so empty, though, and even though he knew firsthand how short-lived relationships could be especially at their age he wanted to believe they could somehow be the exception to the rule. He knew one thing - he’d never been willing to turn his back even on his screwed-up family for anyone before Josh, but even as much as he loved the cousin who'd always treated him like a brother he knew Josh would come first in everything from now on.
Josh still wasn’t saying anything, but he’d opened his eyes as soon as Cooper started talking and as soon as Cooper finished he turned back onto his side, surging up to fuse their lips together again. His hands found their way to Josh’s hair as the other boy pressed him back against the pillows, the kiss charging through every nerve in his body. He thought about telling Josh the whole truth, confessing that he’d been working on a way to make sure they were together as much as possible for at least the next four years. Then Josh reached between them and closed his hand around Cooper’s quickly growing erection, and any rational thought flew out of his mind as he mirrored Josh’s movements. They never stopped kissing as they brought each other off, eventually just a press of lips on lips as they breathed the same air and moaned their release into each other’s mouths.
As Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall against his chest Cooper decided that it was better to wait until he was sure before he told Josh about his college plans. He didn’t want to get the other boy’s hopes up in case his mother found a way to intervene or his father had a last minute change of heart, but after seeing Josh again he knew that no matter what his parents did there was no way they were going to keep him from being with Josh. He’d meant every word of what he said about making sure they stayed together in spite of how impossible it seemed, he just hoped that Josh trusted him enough to believe that he could do it.