Fic: Sleepless (JAG, Rabb/Webb, R)
Title: Sleepless
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: R
Summary: Part 6 of the Train Series.
Clay stifled a sigh and shifted slowly against the body pressed into his, doing his best not to wake the man who’d insisted on spending the night in his bed. He’d spent most of the night wide awake, listening to the steady rise and fall of Harm’s chest as the other man slept. Under normal circumstances he’d be annoyed enough at the fact that he hadn’t gotten any sleep, but the fact that he hadn’t gotten any sleep because Harmon Rabb had insisted on spending the night irritated him even more. Meanwhile, of course, Harm had slept like a baby practically from the moment he closed his eyes. Clay didn’t understand how he did it, just gave himself over completely to rest without a thought to the fact that he was in unfamiliar surroundings. The man had absolutely no sense in his head, that was the only explanation.
He felt another sigh trying to rise in his throat and swallowed it too, refusing to give in to the need to vent his frustration at the intrusion in his carefully ordered life. Harm had only insisted on spending the night to make a point, he knew that. So as soon as the man finally woke up Clay could set things straight between them and everything would get back to normal. Well, as normal as his life ever got. This couldn’t go on, though, he couldn’t keep having sex with Rabb and trying to keep his emotions out of it. It was a losing battle, and even though Harm hadn’t caught on yet it was only a matter of time before he did. Clay couldn’t afford to be involved with someone he actually cared about, not when there was no chance Harm would make any kind of commitment to him.
It was a ridiculous attraction anyway, most of the time he didn’t even like Harm and there was no way their lives could possibly mesh. Harm looked at the world in black and white terms, he lived his life according to the premise that there was good and evil in the world and he was most definitely fighting on the side of good. Clay knew better, he’d been with the Agency long enough to know that there were degrees of evil and layers that Harm couldn’t begin to understand. They could never work, no matter what it did to him whenever Harm touched him.
So he’d just tell him it was over, and there was nothing Harm could do about it. They didn’t have a relationship, they were just fulfilling a mutual need. That was all it could be, and no matter how many times he wished for more nothing was going to change the reality of the situation. He moved out from under the solid arm draped across his chest, holding his breath as he tried to get out of the bed without waking Harm. He was almost free of the heavy limb holding him down when Harm stirred and tightened his grip around Clay’s chest, instinctively moving closer to the other man’s warmth. “Morning,” Harm purred in an annoyingly sleep-sated voice, his eyes still closed as he nuzzled his face into the crook between Clay’s ear and neck.
“We need to talk,” Clay announced, doing his best not to react to the feeling of Harm’s breath on his neck. This was good, he’d get straight to the point and get it out of the way. If he was lucky he’d have Harm out of his place and out of his life by 9:00 am and still have plenty of time to sort through the paperwork he’d been neglecting for the past few weeks.
Only Harm didn’t answer him, and then he felt a pair of lips close around his earlobe and begin to suck before moving down his neck to his collarbone. “Rabb. Rabb, I’m serious,” Clay tried again, squirming under the warm frame holding him against the mattress. He didn’t want to fall into this again, and he definitely didn’t want to enjoy it. He just wanted Rabb out of his personal life so he could regain some hold on his sanity. No matter how hard he tried to ignore the slow caresses of Harm’s hands moving lazily down his hips, however, he felt his body respond of its own accord. “Christ, Harm.”
“That’s better,” Harm murmured, amusement clear in his voice as his lips moved against Clay’s bare skin. Clay rolled his eyes and flattened his palms against Harm’s chest, shoving hard enough to move the other man an inch or two away from him. Harm blinked and looked down at Clay, but the smirk he’d been wearing since the night before was still firmly in place. “Talk later, Clay. Right now I have other plans for that mouth of yours.”
This was not going well at all, Clay thought as Harm’s mouth covered his. They could both use a toothbrush, but even that thought didn’t seem to deter Harm from his mission to make sure Clay couldn’t say what was on his mind. He was fairly sure the lawyer knew exactly what it was Clay wanted to talk about, too, and once again Harm had found an effective way to shut him up. He groaned into the kiss, partly from the desire growing ever more urgent within him and partly from exasperation at the man who’d somehow ended up in his bed against all odds. As Harm’s hands began to wander again Clay wondered vaguely how he’d managed to develop feelings for a man who, as far as the rest of the world was concerned, was straight. Feelings. Jesus, how the hell had he gotten himself into this?
If he’d gotten a little sleep he might be better equipped to think his way through what was going on between them, but as it was he was tired and irritable and not at all in the mood to do anything but give in and let Harm’s magic mouth do what it did best, a talent that had nothing to do with talking. If he just gave in and let Harm have his way he’d be floating on a boneless wave of pleasure again soon enough, but not too soon. Over the course of their…involvement Rabb had definitely shown a zeal for giving 100% to everything he did and Clay was definitely going to miss that about him. The thought of missing anything about Rabb made his stomach turn and he caught the hands that were steadily blazing a trail down his stomach, earning him a sharp glance from the man pressing him into his own mattress.
“I mean it, Rabb. You can’t seduce me into forgetting. This has to stop. Now.”
“Seduce you?” Harm repeated, all the amusement draining out of his expression as he blinked the last traces of sleep out of his features and stared down at Clay. When he spoke again his voice was soft, but it was infused with defensiveness and a hint of accusation. “You were certainly willing enough to be ‘seduced’ last night. Besides, if you’ll recall you started all of this. You kissed me first, remember?”
“Only because you followed me. If you’d left well enough alone we wouldn’t be here right now.” Clay’s own voice was edgier now, the need for Harm that had been so urgent a few moments ago slowly ebbing out of him and letting him think a little more clearly.
Harm laughed, the sound laced with bitterness. “So if it had been the Admiral on that train you would’ve kissed him? What if Mac had followed you into that passenger car? Or Bud - would you have kissed Bud, Clay?”
“Shut up, Harm. You know perfectly well what I meant. I’m trying to tell you I can’t do this anymore.”
“Why? We’re both single, unattached adults and we’re not hurting anyone. So what’s the problem?” Harm’s voice held a challenge that made Clay bristle, but when he pushed himself up to meet the other man’s gaze from a less vulnerable position he clearly saw the wounded look in Harm’s expression. Clay swallowed hard and hoped Harm wouldn’t see the convulsive movement of his throat as he struggled to reign in his emotions.
“I don’t do casual relationships, Rabb. Contrary to what you may think of me, I do have a conscience and I prefer not to get involved in relationships that are going nowhere.” As soon as the words escaped his lips Clay regretted them, and he pushed Harm off him and swung his legs over the edge of the bed so he wouldn’t have to see the other man’s reaction to his admission. The last thing he needed was for Harm to think he’d gone and fallen for him, it was bad enough that the man knew he had some leverage over Clay. If this conversation continued Clay knew he’d say something he’d regret, and he couldn’t afford to let Rabb know that he’d had feelings for him even before they started sleeping together.
He felt Harm move behind him and sensed that the other man was moving toward him, whether to try again to seduce Clay into giving him what he wanted or if he was planning to offer some sort of comfort Clay didn’t know. The thought of Harm trying to comfort him made his stomach twist even more sharply and he stood up, reaching for the bedside table to steady himself as he scanned the room for the clothes they’d discarded the night before. He didn’t turn and look at Rabb again until he’d pulled his boxers and slacks back on, ignoring the wrinkles in the fabric as he picked up Harm’s clothes and tossed them on the bed.
“So that’s it?” Harm asked, his voice low and even as Clay met his gaze.
“There’s nothing more to say,” Clay answered, congratulating himself on keeping his voice from trembling. If he could just keep his cool until Harm was dressed and out the door he’d be fine, then he could put all this behind him and get back to life before Harmon Rabb, Jr. crashed into it. He ignored the voice in the back of his head telling him that he’d spent the past seven years steadily developing an affection for the man sitting at the edge of his bed, looking for all the world like a lost puppy. His heart melted a little and he curled his hands into fists at his sides, biting the inside of his cheek hard to keep himself from reacting to the other man’s expression.
“I see,” Harm said, standing deliberately and keeping his gaze locked on Clay as he reached for his boxers and held them in his hands. “So it was fun while it lasted, but now you’re done and it’s time to move on. Well if that’s what you want there’s nothing I can do to change your mind.”
Clay struggled not to react to the sight of Harm standing in front of him, wearing nothing but that earnest expression he usually reserved for trying to convince Clay to do what he wanted in the name of honesty and goodness. Only there was nothing right about what was happening right here in his own bedroom, there was no way asking Harm to leave when he was naked and willing could be right. It was the only way, though, certainly it was the only way he could get out of this with his dignity intact. What was left of it, anyway.
“It’s not a question of what I want,” Clay answered quietly. “It’s just the way things are.” He turned without waiting for an answer and disappeared into his bathroom, only daring to breathe again when the door was safely closed behind him. He walked slowly to the mirror over the sink and stared at his reflection, trying to convince himself that he didn’t look as miserable and worn down as the man staring back at him. If Harm had any sense at all - if he had any compassion at all - he’d be gone when Clay walked out of the bathroom again. He took his time brushing his teeth and relieving himself, washed his hands methodically and straightened the hand towel with alarming precision before he squared his shoulders and forced himself to pull the bathroom door open again.
For a moment he thought the room was empty, and he was torn between being relieved that Harm had actually gone and miserable that they’d left things the way they had. Before he made a decision about how to feel he felt movement at the edge of the room and tensed automatically, his muscles relaxing only marginally when he looked to his left to find Harm standing in the shadows on the other side of the bed. He was dressed again, the denim of his jeans clinging to his hips and making Clay’s mouth water in spite of his resolve not to react to the other man. Harm cleared his throat and walked around the bed, moving deliberately as though he was trying his best to keep Clay calm. A sudden image of Harm soothing savage beasts with his charm and a smile tugged at the corners of Clay’s mouth and he coughed to cover the reaction, nearly choking as he swallowed the urge to laugh.
Before he recovered Harm was next to him, one strong hand landing on the small of his back and moving in slow circles over still bare skin. He knew he should push the taller man away, force him to go with bitter words if he couldn’t manage to drag Harm bodily to the front door. He was still so breathless, though, and Harm’s touch was soothing against his skin. Then Harm’s mouth was on his ear, hot breath tickling his flesh and sending an all-too-familiar jolt of desire down his spine to settle in his groin. “It doesn’t have to be this way,” Harm whispered, and Clay tensed so hard he nearly lost his balance. Harm was there to catch him, though, strong hands landing on his arms to steady him. A whisper of soft lips against his temple forced a small gasp from his throat, then Harm’s hands were gone and he was moving past Clay into the bathroom.
He didn’t shut the door behind him and Clay stood and watched the man moving around his bathroom as though he belonged there, reaching for Clay’s toothbrush without bothering to ask if he could borrow it. Not that it really mattered at this point, Clay reminded himself. He groaned under his breath and closed his eyes against the image of Harm’s mouth moving on his and his own mouth moving in much the same way against hot skin stretched tight across solid muscles. There was no question that Harm was a beautiful man, but no matter how much Clay wanted him he’d made the right decision. Things were getting out of hand, it had gone on too long already and it was time to cut his losses and move on before he got in any further.
When the water turned off Clay flinched and averted his eyes, moving to the chair where Harm had laid his shirt and pulling it back on. Once the buttons were fastened and the shirt tucked in he felt a little more in control, it wasn’t much of a barrier but it was enough to regain the will not to react to Harm moving around his home as though he’d been doing just that his whole life. When he heard Harm moving toward the entrance to the bathroom he turned and walked out of his bedroom, heading for the kitchen and the coffee pot so he wouldn’t have to look in the other man’s eyes and see the pity there. He’d said too much, he knew this changed everything but there was nothing he could do to erase it. This wasn’t one of his cases where he could make messy details and unfortunate circumstances just go away, this was his life and he was the one that had made a colossal mess of things.
He measured out water for coffee with a shaking hand but managed to fill the pot without making a mess, reaching into the freezer for the container of Starbucks grounds and filling the filter without looking up to see whether or not Harm had made it into the kitchen yet. He didn’t have to look, he could sense the other man’s presence and smell the traces of sex and yesterday’s aftershave still clinging to Rabb’s skin. He knew he was still covered in Harm’s scent, his bedroom was infused with it as well and it would take a lot of effort to erase the memory of their night together. It would give him something to do, at least, some concrete way to work Harm out of his life and his system in no uncertain terms. There was nothing he could do about the mental images and the fact that his body had memorized Harm’s every touch, but he knew he could live with that. He could compartmentalize anything, it was what he’d been trained to do from his first days with the Agency.
The sound of Harm’s sneakers squeaking against his ceramic tile floor reminded him that the person he was already working to erase from his universe was still standing in his kitchen, and he braced himself for one last moment of awkward conversation. He forced himself to turn his gaze toward Harm, checking the urge to look the other man over as Harm stopped next to him and sighed. He didn’t react to the resigned sound coming from Harm or the way the other man’s fingers ghosted across his wrist as his hand stilled on the counter. He didn’t even react when Harm’s lips brushed across his cheek, and only the slightest of shivers rocked him as he felt long eyelashes flutter against his temple before Harm pulled away again. “If you change your mind…”
“I won’t,” Clay interrupted, wishing he could do this without sounding so cold. Bitterness didn’t suit him, Harm had been telling him that without saying it for all the years they’d known each other. Part of him wished he could take it all back, finally show Harm the side of him that he'd been trying to unearth for so long. It was too dangerous, though, they both knew how dangerous it was. Maybe Harm didn’t know the exact reasons why Clay couldn’t let himself go around the other man, but he didn’t need to know. It was enough that they were both high-profile men with sensitive careers and that they were dedicated to those careers above any consideration for personal feelings. Maybe that wasn’t the way for anyone to live their life, but it was all either of them had known for far too long to change it now. If Harm even wanted to change it, which Clay had a sneaking suspicion he didn’t.
He felt the other man stiffen against him and stifled yet another in a seemingly endless stream of sighs, telling himself that he wasn’t hurting Rabb. There was no way he could, that convenient black and white world Harm so enjoyed living in didn’t have a place for feelings for someone like Clay. In no time he’d be back to his endless stream of beautiful women, living the life that he’d so carefully constructed for the sake of his career. Clay wanted to laugh at the irony of Harmon Rabb living a lie while he looked down on Clay for every half-truth he told, but he didn’t want to explain to the other man what was suddenly so amusing and he knew Harm well enough to know that he’d ask.
Harm’s fingers left Clay’s wrist and he took a step backwards, taking with him all the delicious warmth Clay had been enveloped in only moments ago. Suddenly his kitchen felt cold and sterile, and he found himself wishing not for the first time that he could take it all back. It was impossible, that was what he told himself as he ventured a glance at Harm only to find expressive blue eyes searching his face. He held Harm’s gaze, silently challenging the other man to say something, anything to shift the dynamic between them. All it would take was a few well-chosen words on Rabb’s part, Clay knew himself well enough to know that. Harm was a lawyer, he could figure out what Clay wanted - no, needed - to hear to keep the connection between them.
Clay’s lips parted in anticipation as he watched Harm’s jaw twitch, his heart stopping for a split second as he wondered if Harm really was going to say what he wanted to hear. Then the taller man cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, suddenly looking every inch the imposing military Commander even in his jeans and shirt. “See you around, Webb,” he said, turning on his heel and disappearing in the direction of the front door.
The words hung in the air around Clay as he stood rooted in place and stared at the spot Harm had occupied moments before. For just a second he was sure…but no, he hadn’t heard regret in Harm’s voice, the deep, velvety timbre hadn’t been thicker than usual as Harm snapped a curt goodbye. See you around, Webb. And just like that, it was over, whatever mess they’d made in the past five weeks gone as if it had never happened. Clay was a master at cleaning up messes, that was his job. He’d been doing it for other people almost his entire adult life, he could do it for himself this time. It was simple, really, just like cleaning a spilled glass of wine off a hardwood floor. He reached for his favorite coffee mug and filled it, his trembling fingers failing him and sending a few drops of coffee over the lip of the mug to land on the counter. He sighed and set the carafe back down in the coffee pot, reaching for the sponge sitting on his sink and wiping up the spill. Just like that and it was gone. Nothing to it.
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: R
Summary: Part 6 of the Train Series.
Clay stifled a sigh and shifted slowly against the body pressed into his, doing his best not to wake the man who’d insisted on spending the night in his bed. He’d spent most of the night wide awake, listening to the steady rise and fall of Harm’s chest as the other man slept. Under normal circumstances he’d be annoyed enough at the fact that he hadn’t gotten any sleep, but the fact that he hadn’t gotten any sleep because Harmon Rabb had insisted on spending the night irritated him even more. Meanwhile, of course, Harm had slept like a baby practically from the moment he closed his eyes. Clay didn’t understand how he did it, just gave himself over completely to rest without a thought to the fact that he was in unfamiliar surroundings. The man had absolutely no sense in his head, that was the only explanation.
He felt another sigh trying to rise in his throat and swallowed it too, refusing to give in to the need to vent his frustration at the intrusion in his carefully ordered life. Harm had only insisted on spending the night to make a point, he knew that. So as soon as the man finally woke up Clay could set things straight between them and everything would get back to normal. Well, as normal as his life ever got. This couldn’t go on, though, he couldn’t keep having sex with Rabb and trying to keep his emotions out of it. It was a losing battle, and even though Harm hadn’t caught on yet it was only a matter of time before he did. Clay couldn’t afford to be involved with someone he actually cared about, not when there was no chance Harm would make any kind of commitment to him.
It was a ridiculous attraction anyway, most of the time he didn’t even like Harm and there was no way their lives could possibly mesh. Harm looked at the world in black and white terms, he lived his life according to the premise that there was good and evil in the world and he was most definitely fighting on the side of good. Clay knew better, he’d been with the Agency long enough to know that there were degrees of evil and layers that Harm couldn’t begin to understand. They could never work, no matter what it did to him whenever Harm touched him.
So he’d just tell him it was over, and there was nothing Harm could do about it. They didn’t have a relationship, they were just fulfilling a mutual need. That was all it could be, and no matter how many times he wished for more nothing was going to change the reality of the situation. He moved out from under the solid arm draped across his chest, holding his breath as he tried to get out of the bed without waking Harm. He was almost free of the heavy limb holding him down when Harm stirred and tightened his grip around Clay’s chest, instinctively moving closer to the other man’s warmth. “Morning,” Harm purred in an annoyingly sleep-sated voice, his eyes still closed as he nuzzled his face into the crook between Clay’s ear and neck.
“We need to talk,” Clay announced, doing his best not to react to the feeling of Harm’s breath on his neck. This was good, he’d get straight to the point and get it out of the way. If he was lucky he’d have Harm out of his place and out of his life by 9:00 am and still have plenty of time to sort through the paperwork he’d been neglecting for the past few weeks.
Only Harm didn’t answer him, and then he felt a pair of lips close around his earlobe and begin to suck before moving down his neck to his collarbone. “Rabb. Rabb, I’m serious,” Clay tried again, squirming under the warm frame holding him against the mattress. He didn’t want to fall into this again, and he definitely didn’t want to enjoy it. He just wanted Rabb out of his personal life so he could regain some hold on his sanity. No matter how hard he tried to ignore the slow caresses of Harm’s hands moving lazily down his hips, however, he felt his body respond of its own accord. “Christ, Harm.”
“That’s better,” Harm murmured, amusement clear in his voice as his lips moved against Clay’s bare skin. Clay rolled his eyes and flattened his palms against Harm’s chest, shoving hard enough to move the other man an inch or two away from him. Harm blinked and looked down at Clay, but the smirk he’d been wearing since the night before was still firmly in place. “Talk later, Clay. Right now I have other plans for that mouth of yours.”
This was not going well at all, Clay thought as Harm’s mouth covered his. They could both use a toothbrush, but even that thought didn’t seem to deter Harm from his mission to make sure Clay couldn’t say what was on his mind. He was fairly sure the lawyer knew exactly what it was Clay wanted to talk about, too, and once again Harm had found an effective way to shut him up. He groaned into the kiss, partly from the desire growing ever more urgent within him and partly from exasperation at the man who’d somehow ended up in his bed against all odds. As Harm’s hands began to wander again Clay wondered vaguely how he’d managed to develop feelings for a man who, as far as the rest of the world was concerned, was straight. Feelings. Jesus, how the hell had he gotten himself into this?
If he’d gotten a little sleep he might be better equipped to think his way through what was going on between them, but as it was he was tired and irritable and not at all in the mood to do anything but give in and let Harm’s magic mouth do what it did best, a talent that had nothing to do with talking. If he just gave in and let Harm have his way he’d be floating on a boneless wave of pleasure again soon enough, but not too soon. Over the course of their…involvement Rabb had definitely shown a zeal for giving 100% to everything he did and Clay was definitely going to miss that about him. The thought of missing anything about Rabb made his stomach turn and he caught the hands that were steadily blazing a trail down his stomach, earning him a sharp glance from the man pressing him into his own mattress.
“I mean it, Rabb. You can’t seduce me into forgetting. This has to stop. Now.”
“Seduce you?” Harm repeated, all the amusement draining out of his expression as he blinked the last traces of sleep out of his features and stared down at Clay. When he spoke again his voice was soft, but it was infused with defensiveness and a hint of accusation. “You were certainly willing enough to be ‘seduced’ last night. Besides, if you’ll recall you started all of this. You kissed me first, remember?”
“Only because you followed me. If you’d left well enough alone we wouldn’t be here right now.” Clay’s own voice was edgier now, the need for Harm that had been so urgent a few moments ago slowly ebbing out of him and letting him think a little more clearly.
Harm laughed, the sound laced with bitterness. “So if it had been the Admiral on that train you would’ve kissed him? What if Mac had followed you into that passenger car? Or Bud - would you have kissed Bud, Clay?”
“Shut up, Harm. You know perfectly well what I meant. I’m trying to tell you I can’t do this anymore.”
“Why? We’re both single, unattached adults and we’re not hurting anyone. So what’s the problem?” Harm’s voice held a challenge that made Clay bristle, but when he pushed himself up to meet the other man’s gaze from a less vulnerable position he clearly saw the wounded look in Harm’s expression. Clay swallowed hard and hoped Harm wouldn’t see the convulsive movement of his throat as he struggled to reign in his emotions.
“I don’t do casual relationships, Rabb. Contrary to what you may think of me, I do have a conscience and I prefer not to get involved in relationships that are going nowhere.” As soon as the words escaped his lips Clay regretted them, and he pushed Harm off him and swung his legs over the edge of the bed so he wouldn’t have to see the other man’s reaction to his admission. The last thing he needed was for Harm to think he’d gone and fallen for him, it was bad enough that the man knew he had some leverage over Clay. If this conversation continued Clay knew he’d say something he’d regret, and he couldn’t afford to let Rabb know that he’d had feelings for him even before they started sleeping together.
He felt Harm move behind him and sensed that the other man was moving toward him, whether to try again to seduce Clay into giving him what he wanted or if he was planning to offer some sort of comfort Clay didn’t know. The thought of Harm trying to comfort him made his stomach twist even more sharply and he stood up, reaching for the bedside table to steady himself as he scanned the room for the clothes they’d discarded the night before. He didn’t turn and look at Rabb again until he’d pulled his boxers and slacks back on, ignoring the wrinkles in the fabric as he picked up Harm’s clothes and tossed them on the bed.
“So that’s it?” Harm asked, his voice low and even as Clay met his gaze.
“There’s nothing more to say,” Clay answered, congratulating himself on keeping his voice from trembling. If he could just keep his cool until Harm was dressed and out the door he’d be fine, then he could put all this behind him and get back to life before Harmon Rabb, Jr. crashed into it. He ignored the voice in the back of his head telling him that he’d spent the past seven years steadily developing an affection for the man sitting at the edge of his bed, looking for all the world like a lost puppy. His heart melted a little and he curled his hands into fists at his sides, biting the inside of his cheek hard to keep himself from reacting to the other man’s expression.
“I see,” Harm said, standing deliberately and keeping his gaze locked on Clay as he reached for his boxers and held them in his hands. “So it was fun while it lasted, but now you’re done and it’s time to move on. Well if that’s what you want there’s nothing I can do to change your mind.”
Clay struggled not to react to the sight of Harm standing in front of him, wearing nothing but that earnest expression he usually reserved for trying to convince Clay to do what he wanted in the name of honesty and goodness. Only there was nothing right about what was happening right here in his own bedroom, there was no way asking Harm to leave when he was naked and willing could be right. It was the only way, though, certainly it was the only way he could get out of this with his dignity intact. What was left of it, anyway.
“It’s not a question of what I want,” Clay answered quietly. “It’s just the way things are.” He turned without waiting for an answer and disappeared into his bathroom, only daring to breathe again when the door was safely closed behind him. He walked slowly to the mirror over the sink and stared at his reflection, trying to convince himself that he didn’t look as miserable and worn down as the man staring back at him. If Harm had any sense at all - if he had any compassion at all - he’d be gone when Clay walked out of the bathroom again. He took his time brushing his teeth and relieving himself, washed his hands methodically and straightened the hand towel with alarming precision before he squared his shoulders and forced himself to pull the bathroom door open again.
For a moment he thought the room was empty, and he was torn between being relieved that Harm had actually gone and miserable that they’d left things the way they had. Before he made a decision about how to feel he felt movement at the edge of the room and tensed automatically, his muscles relaxing only marginally when he looked to his left to find Harm standing in the shadows on the other side of the bed. He was dressed again, the denim of his jeans clinging to his hips and making Clay’s mouth water in spite of his resolve not to react to the other man. Harm cleared his throat and walked around the bed, moving deliberately as though he was trying his best to keep Clay calm. A sudden image of Harm soothing savage beasts with his charm and a smile tugged at the corners of Clay’s mouth and he coughed to cover the reaction, nearly choking as he swallowed the urge to laugh.
Before he recovered Harm was next to him, one strong hand landing on the small of his back and moving in slow circles over still bare skin. He knew he should push the taller man away, force him to go with bitter words if he couldn’t manage to drag Harm bodily to the front door. He was still so breathless, though, and Harm’s touch was soothing against his skin. Then Harm’s mouth was on his ear, hot breath tickling his flesh and sending an all-too-familiar jolt of desire down his spine to settle in his groin. “It doesn’t have to be this way,” Harm whispered, and Clay tensed so hard he nearly lost his balance. Harm was there to catch him, though, strong hands landing on his arms to steady him. A whisper of soft lips against his temple forced a small gasp from his throat, then Harm’s hands were gone and he was moving past Clay into the bathroom.
He didn’t shut the door behind him and Clay stood and watched the man moving around his bathroom as though he belonged there, reaching for Clay’s toothbrush without bothering to ask if he could borrow it. Not that it really mattered at this point, Clay reminded himself. He groaned under his breath and closed his eyes against the image of Harm’s mouth moving on his and his own mouth moving in much the same way against hot skin stretched tight across solid muscles. There was no question that Harm was a beautiful man, but no matter how much Clay wanted him he’d made the right decision. Things were getting out of hand, it had gone on too long already and it was time to cut his losses and move on before he got in any further.
When the water turned off Clay flinched and averted his eyes, moving to the chair where Harm had laid his shirt and pulling it back on. Once the buttons were fastened and the shirt tucked in he felt a little more in control, it wasn’t much of a barrier but it was enough to regain the will not to react to Harm moving around his home as though he’d been doing just that his whole life. When he heard Harm moving toward the entrance to the bathroom he turned and walked out of his bedroom, heading for the kitchen and the coffee pot so he wouldn’t have to look in the other man’s eyes and see the pity there. He’d said too much, he knew this changed everything but there was nothing he could do to erase it. This wasn’t one of his cases where he could make messy details and unfortunate circumstances just go away, this was his life and he was the one that had made a colossal mess of things.
He measured out water for coffee with a shaking hand but managed to fill the pot without making a mess, reaching into the freezer for the container of Starbucks grounds and filling the filter without looking up to see whether or not Harm had made it into the kitchen yet. He didn’t have to look, he could sense the other man’s presence and smell the traces of sex and yesterday’s aftershave still clinging to Rabb’s skin. He knew he was still covered in Harm’s scent, his bedroom was infused with it as well and it would take a lot of effort to erase the memory of their night together. It would give him something to do, at least, some concrete way to work Harm out of his life and his system in no uncertain terms. There was nothing he could do about the mental images and the fact that his body had memorized Harm’s every touch, but he knew he could live with that. He could compartmentalize anything, it was what he’d been trained to do from his first days with the Agency.
The sound of Harm’s sneakers squeaking against his ceramic tile floor reminded him that the person he was already working to erase from his universe was still standing in his kitchen, and he braced himself for one last moment of awkward conversation. He forced himself to turn his gaze toward Harm, checking the urge to look the other man over as Harm stopped next to him and sighed. He didn’t react to the resigned sound coming from Harm or the way the other man’s fingers ghosted across his wrist as his hand stilled on the counter. He didn’t even react when Harm’s lips brushed across his cheek, and only the slightest of shivers rocked him as he felt long eyelashes flutter against his temple before Harm pulled away again. “If you change your mind…”
“I won’t,” Clay interrupted, wishing he could do this without sounding so cold. Bitterness didn’t suit him, Harm had been telling him that without saying it for all the years they’d known each other. Part of him wished he could take it all back, finally show Harm the side of him that he'd been trying to unearth for so long. It was too dangerous, though, they both knew how dangerous it was. Maybe Harm didn’t know the exact reasons why Clay couldn’t let himself go around the other man, but he didn’t need to know. It was enough that they were both high-profile men with sensitive careers and that they were dedicated to those careers above any consideration for personal feelings. Maybe that wasn’t the way for anyone to live their life, but it was all either of them had known for far too long to change it now. If Harm even wanted to change it, which Clay had a sneaking suspicion he didn’t.
He felt the other man stiffen against him and stifled yet another in a seemingly endless stream of sighs, telling himself that he wasn’t hurting Rabb. There was no way he could, that convenient black and white world Harm so enjoyed living in didn’t have a place for feelings for someone like Clay. In no time he’d be back to his endless stream of beautiful women, living the life that he’d so carefully constructed for the sake of his career. Clay wanted to laugh at the irony of Harmon Rabb living a lie while he looked down on Clay for every half-truth he told, but he didn’t want to explain to the other man what was suddenly so amusing and he knew Harm well enough to know that he’d ask.
Harm’s fingers left Clay’s wrist and he took a step backwards, taking with him all the delicious warmth Clay had been enveloped in only moments ago. Suddenly his kitchen felt cold and sterile, and he found himself wishing not for the first time that he could take it all back. It was impossible, that was what he told himself as he ventured a glance at Harm only to find expressive blue eyes searching his face. He held Harm’s gaze, silently challenging the other man to say something, anything to shift the dynamic between them. All it would take was a few well-chosen words on Rabb’s part, Clay knew himself well enough to know that. Harm was a lawyer, he could figure out what Clay wanted - no, needed - to hear to keep the connection between them.
Clay’s lips parted in anticipation as he watched Harm’s jaw twitch, his heart stopping for a split second as he wondered if Harm really was going to say what he wanted to hear. Then the taller man cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, suddenly looking every inch the imposing military Commander even in his jeans and shirt. “See you around, Webb,” he said, turning on his heel and disappearing in the direction of the front door.
The words hung in the air around Clay as he stood rooted in place and stared at the spot Harm had occupied moments before. For just a second he was sure…but no, he hadn’t heard regret in Harm’s voice, the deep, velvety timbre hadn’t been thicker than usual as Harm snapped a curt goodbye. See you around, Webb. And just like that, it was over, whatever mess they’d made in the past five weeks gone as if it had never happened. Clay was a master at cleaning up messes, that was his job. He’d been doing it for other people almost his entire adult life, he could do it for himself this time. It was simple, really, just like cleaning a spilled glass of wine off a hardwood floor. He reached for his favorite coffee mug and filled it, his trembling fingers failing him and sending a few drops of coffee over the lip of the mug to land on the counter. He sighed and set the carafe back down in the coffee pot, reaching for the sponge sitting on his sink and wiping up the spill. Just like that and it was gone. Nothing to it.