Fic: Friendly Fire 3/3 (JAG, Harm/Clay, R)
Title: Friendly Fire
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: R
Summary: Harm gets hurt and it's Clay's fault. Both men struggle with how they fit into each other's lives.
Three days. It had been three days since the phone in his office rang, since Harm’s voice flooded his senses with five simple words: I need to see you. He’d told himself not to read anything into it, even as he hung up the phone and scrambled to tie up a few necessary loose ends he’d promised himself he wasn’t going to read anything into the way Harm’s voice wavered on the word ‘need’.
He just wanted an explanation, he wanted to hear Clay say that he was sorry. He wanted to know that Clay regretted having to leave him alone in that warehouse - but why? Why did he care what Clay did? He knew the ins and outs of CIA operations and he’d accused Clay more than once of not giving a damn about anyone but himself. So why did he need to hear Clay say he was sorry?
They hadn’t spoken since then, their paths hadn’t crossed at all and Clay was hoping that meant he could go back to focusing on his job and not letting Harmon Rabb infiltrate every waking thought he had. He’d caught himself thinking up excuses to swing by JAG headquarters more than once during the past few days, and every time he caught himself he’d roll his eyes and tell himself to get a grip. Just because Harm had called and asked him to come over didn’t mean there was anything going on between them. No matter how lost and miserable Harm had looked, no matter how hurt he’d seemed at the thought of Clay walking away from him that night. None of that meant there was any chance Harm would ever feel anything toward him besides grudging respect.
If he even felt that much, Clay reminded himself. At least he knew it mattered to Harm what Clay thought of him, it was a small comfort but it was all he had. He may never be anything more to Harm than a colleague, but at least Harm didn’t hate him. A heavy sigh escaped Clay’s throat as he threw himself down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He hadn’t slept more than a few hours at a stretch since the day Harm called and asked him to come over, and it was starting to affect his judgement. It must be, because he couldn’t seem to stop entertaining thoughts of going over to Harm’s house and just telling him how he felt.
He knew what a colossal mistake that would be, though. He’d known all along that nothing would ever happen between him and Harm, that was why he’d fought so hard not to fall in love with the man. Of course he’d gone and done it anyway, so now he had to find a way to fall out of love before he made himself crazy playing a constant game of “what-if” with himself. There was no what if as far as Harmon Rabb was concerned, he was one of the most black and white people Clay had ever met. He had impossibly high moral standards which he applied to everyone but himself, and he lived, slept, and breathed the Navy. That meant a relationship with a man was unthinkable, let alone a relationship with a CIA operative who happened to be a colleague.
No, he’d just find a way to get over Harm and that would be the end of it. Then they could go back to tolerating each other when they happened to cross paths and Clay might be able to get some sleep again. He glanced over at the alarm clock next to his bed: 4:00 am. He groaned and pushed himself off the mattress again, finally coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. There was no reason to lie in bed and torture himself about Harm, he might as well take a shower and go into the office to catch up on the paperwork he’d been neglecting. Maybe a couple hours of mind-numbing paperwork could get his mind off the Commander. It was worth a shot, anyway, and it couldn’t be any worse than anything else he’d tried.
~
“I think I’m ready to go back to a full case load, sir,” Harm said, his hands clasped behind his back as he stood in front of Admiral Chegwidden’s desk.
AJ raised one eyebrow as he looked up from his paperwork to stare down Harm. “I’ll decide when you’re ready for a full case load, Commander. You’re not a hundred percent yet and until your doctor gives the go-ahead I’m not taking any risks. I can’t afford to have you flat on your back in the hospital again.”
“With all due respect, sir…”
“Dismissed, Commander,” AJ barked, turning back to his paperwork to reinforce that the conversation was over.
Harm stifled a sigh and turned away from the Admiral’s desk, scowling as he made his way back to his office. He hated being on limited hours - he’d been hoping that after his talk with Clay he’d be a little less restless but so far it had just made things worse. Getting a glimpse into the human side of Clay was what he’d wanted all along, it was the reason he’d pushed and pushed to get Clay to admit just once that it bothered him to use people to get what he needed. Instead of quenching his interest in Clay, however, Harm found himself wanting to know even more about the man now. He needed to go back to a full workload, it was the only way he was going to get through this with his sanity intact.
There was no changing the Admiral’s mind when he thought he was right, though -
Harm knew that from experience. So he was just going to have to find a way to build up his case load without drawing attention to himself, and when Chegwidden and the doctor finally decided he was ready he’d be one step ahead of them. How hard could it be? The Admiral didn’t personally oversee every single case that came through the office, and at this point Harm would take whatever he could get as long as it meant something to distract him from thinking about Clayton Webb.
The only thing that working wouldn’t cure was the dreams. He was still plagued by them, usually it was the one where he and Clay somehow ended up tangled up on his couch, only he’d stopped waking up when they hit the cushions. He’d woken up stuck to his own sheets more than once in the past week, all-too vivid images of his dream lingering and making him wonder what the hell was happening to him. It wasn’t the first time he’d ever found himself attracted to a man, but it was definitely the first time he hadn’t been able to push it aside and get on with his life. The handful of other times he’d found himself developing a crush on a man he’d stopped it before it started, forcing himself to focus on his career or his coursework in college or even whatever girl he happened to be dating at the time. He’d told himself it was just a phase, then an abberation, and finally he’d just accepted that he was bisexual. But that didn’t mean he had to act on it.
Not until Clay came along, that is. For some reason none of his tried and true methods for working crushes out of his system were working this time, and everything he did to try to erase Clay from his subconscious just let the man burrow a little deeper under his skin. It was getting to be a distraction, and he knew if he let it start affecting his work the Admiral would force him to take more mandatory leave. Vacation time was definitely something he couldn’t handle right now, though - there was no telling what he would do if he found himself all alone with his thoughts for a week straight. The dreams were bad enough and that was just at night, although he found them creeping into his conscious thoughts at really inconvenient times lately.
“Get a grip, Harm,” he hissed at himself, standing up and grabbing his coffee mug in an effort to find something to do to get his mind off his current train of thought. He was about to turn into the break room to fill his mug when the elevator doors opened and he glanced to his left, swallowing hard when he found himself staring right at Clayton Webb.
If he didn’t know better he could have sworn that Clay paled a little when their eyes met, but he recovered quickly and stepped off the elevator. “Morning, Commander,” he said before tearing his gaze away from Harm and making his way toward Chegwidden’s office.
Harm knew he was staring as Clay walked away but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Clay looked…well, terrible. His eyes were shadowed by dark circles and his complexion was ashen, as though he wasn’t sleeping well. For a fleeting moment Harm wondered if he was sick, but he sounded the same as he always did and he wasn’t carrying himself any differently than usual. So maybe he just had a difficult case that was keeping him up at night, more times than not Clay and his fellow operatives kept odd hours during a case.
Harm sighed as he realized he was still standing in front of the break room, staring in the direction Clay had disappeared. He turned slowly and made his way toward the coffee pot, absently pouring himself a cup as he wondered what to make of Clay’s greeting. He’d said good morning to Harm as though nothing had passed between them, as though they were nothing more to each other than colleagues. That is all you are, he reminded himself harshly, picking up his coffee and making his way back to his office before Clay came out of Chegwidden’s office. There was no reason for Clay to treat him any differently than he always did, to him Harm was nothing more than a necessary evil in his life. Just because he’d apologized for getting Harm shot didn’t mean they were going to be best friends.
He caught himself regretting the fact that they weren’t going to at least be friends and reminded himself that he was supposed to be getting Clayton Webb out of his mind for once and for all. First he needed to find a way to stop thinking about him all day, then maybe, just maybe the dreams would stop. He had to believe that because he wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.
~
Clay’s heart fell as Harm just stared at him when he walked by on his way to Chegwidden’s office. He knew Harm was still on limited duty, so he’d been hoping that he wouldn’t run into the other man this morning. He hadn’t wanted to come to JAG headquarters and run the risk of seeing him at all, but Chegwidden had called his office and demanded a meeting to discuss the particulars of the operation he was helping with. He couldn’t exactly refuse to meet with the man when he was helping the CIA bring down a wanted chemical weapons dealer, but he wished it didn’t mean having to walk right past Harm’s office. This definitely wasn’t helping him get Harm off his mind, and it wasn’t going to help him get any sleep either.
“Morning, Mr. Webb. The Admiral is waiting for you,” Tiner said as Clay approached his desk.
“Thanks,” Clay managed to mutter as he passed the younger man and knocked on Chegwidden’s closed office door. When he heard the other man invite him in he turned the knob and stepped inside, closing the door behind him again.
AJ looked up when Clay stepped into his office, waving him into a chair with one hand as he picked up his phone with the other and pressed the intercom button. “Tiner, send Commander Rabb in here.”
“Yes, sir,” Tiner answered as AJ hung up and turned his attention to Clay.
“You look like hell, Webb. Are you sick?”
“No,” Clay answered, startled out of his usual sarcasm by the directness of Chegwidden’s statement. “I’ve just been having a little trouble sleeping.”
“Must be going around,” AJ said, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in front of him. “Rabb’s been using the same excuse for dragging around here like death warmed over. Then he has the nerve to ask me to put him back on a full case load.” AJ laughed to himself at the absurdity of the request as his office door swung open and Harm poked his head around the door.
“You wanted to see me, sir?”
“Get in here, Commander, and close the door.” AJ waited until Harm had shut the door behind him, taking a seat in the empty chair next to Clay without glancing over at the CIA agent. “I want Rabb to sit in on this meeting so he can brief our people on their assignment. Unless you have an objection to working with Mr. Webb on this project, Commander.”
“No…no, sir,” Harm answered, catching himself just before he rolled his eyes at himself. “I mean I don’t have any objections.” He stole a quick glance at Clay but the other man was staring straight ahead, his expression unreadable.
“Good. Now Webb, tell us what exactly we’re dealing with here. And don’t tell me it’s in the damn file. I read the file, I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
Clay didn’t bother putting up a fight, he knew he was too tired and too distracted by the idea of actually working with Harm to win an argument with Chegwidden anyway. It was enough that he’d stepped off the elevators and practically run right into Harm, now they were sitting side by side in the Admiral’s office. He cursed his luck and began running down the details of the case, his brain on automatic pilot as he reiterated for Chegwidden and Harm everything that was in the files.
When he finished he clamped his mouth shut and hoped he hadn’t said anything stupid, he hadn’t been listening to himself or even thinking about what he was saying. He was too busy trying not to focus on the fact that Harm was sitting less than three feet away from him, and if he didn’t know better he could swear Harm was looking everywhere in the room except at him.
“Fine, thank you, Mr. Webb. Rabb, you think you can handle the particulars?”
“Wh…oh. Yes, sir,” Harm stammered, his cheeks flushing a little as he looked at his CO to find AJ scowling at him.
“See that you do. Dismissed, both of you. And get some damn sleep, you both look like hell,” AJ barked as Clay followed Harm out of the Admiral’s office.
When he reached the door to his own office Harm stopped walking, turning to Clay before he could talk himself out of it. “Do you have a few minutes, Webb? To discuss the particulars,” Harm added quickly.
Clay shrugged and glanced at the clock on the wall, pretending to consider his schedule for a moment before he nodded. “I have a few minutes between meetings.”
Harm stood aside and let Clay walk ahead of him into his office, closing his door behind them before he turned and folded his arms over his chest. “The Admiral didn’t ask you if you have a problem working with me on this case,” Harm said, working hard to keep his voice even. He knew inviting Clay into his office was a bad idea, but he felt he owed it to the other man to give him an out if he wanted one. “Considering what happened the last time we worked together, I thought you might have misgivings.”
Clay turned away from Harm for a moment to look out the window of his office, telling himself that he could get through a simple work-related conversation with the man without turning it into yet another argument. Harm had a point, after all, the last time they’d worked together things hadn’t gone well and it was natural for one or both of them to have doubts. “I don’t have a problem working with you, Rabb. I’d think if anyone would have misgivings it would be you, considering.”
Just for a second Harm thought he saw something akin to sadness flash in Clay’s eyes, but when he blinked it was gone and he told himself it was just his imagination. After all, Clay did look like he hadn’t been sleeping well and Harm wasn’t exactly at top performance himself. He caught himself wondering if Clay had been losing sleep for the same reason he had, but he pushed the idea out of his mind as soon as it appeared. Those kinds of thoughts were definitely a bad idea, especially considering how close they were standing in the small office. “There’s no reason for me to have misgivings, Clay. I won’t even be a part of the actual operation, I’m just doing the briefing.”
Clay nodded but he was only half-listening to Harm as he wondered when exactly the other man had started calling him by his first name. He hadn’t even noticed when Harm made the switch but suddenly it seemed important somehow. He couldn’t let himself wonder why it should matter, though, it was just a name after all. “Fine, it’s settled then. If you have any questions just call my office. Otherwise I’ll be in touch with any new details.”
“Good,” Harm said, but he didn’t make a move to step away from the door. They stood face to face for a long moment, both of them silent as they watched the other and tried to decide what exactly was going on. Clay broke the silence first, clearing his throat and tearing his gaze away from Harm’s.
“I’ve got a meeting to get to, Rabb. Is there anything else?”
“No, that’s it,” Harm answered, a fresh blush creeping into his cheeks as he realized he’d been staring. He stepped away from the door and pulled it open, standing aside to let Clay brush past him. When Clay was halfway out the door he turned and looked up at Harm, doing his best to ignore the heat radiating off the other man as their eyes locked.
“I’ll be in touch.”
All Harm could do was nod as Clay turned away and crossed the outer office, stopping in front of the elevators with his back to Harm. As soon as the elevator door opened Harm shut his door and leaned against it, closing his eyes as he told himself there was nothing between them. It was just business, Clay needed JAG’s help and there was nothing more behind his promise to be in touch.
~
As soon as he could Harm made his excuses and left the office for the day, thankful for the first time for his limited duty status as he drove back to the sanctity of his apartment. He never thought he’d be desperate for some time alone again after the past month, but after his confusing morning with Clay he needed to get his head on straight. He wished he could change into a pair of gym shorts and go play basketball or even go for a run, anything that would exhaust him enough that he wouldn’t have to think about Clayton Webb and that flicker of almost-but-not-quite-regret Harm could have sworn he’d seen in Clay’s eyes. He’d been trying to convince himself since Clay left his office that he’d imagined it, that Clay was just exhausted for his own private reasons and it had nothing to do with Harm.
No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was imagining a connection between them he couldn’t get his heart to believe him, though. He wasn’t even sure when his heart had entered into the equation, but the fact was it had and he was past the point of plausible deniability. Not that he was necessarily in love with Clayton Webb, after all he didn’t really know him all that well and they spent most of their time fighting. Still, Harm had always known that under that cold exterior there was a complex man, and Clay had let him see more of that since he’d gotten himself shot than he had in all the years they’d been working together. Harm smiled to himself as he realized that it was almost worth the bullet in his side to see a softer side of the CIA agent, not that he’d ever admit that to Clay.
When he caught himself thinking of them as friends he rolled his eyes and made his way toward his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. He wasn’t going to build a relationship that didn’t exist in his mind, no matter how much he wished it were true. Even if Clay was interested it just wasn’t possible, not with their careers and the circles they both travelled in. He let out a deep breath as he caught himself doing it again and reminded himself that he had no reason to think that Clay was interested in him. Did he?
Once he was clad in a ratty college sweatshirt and a pair of shorts he stretched out on the couch, careful not to put too much pressure on his still vaguely sore wound as he grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels. So he and Clay were working on an assignment together, it wasn’t the first time and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. He hadn’t let Clay see his relief when the other man said he had no qualms about working with Harm again, but privately Harm had been gratified to know that he hadn’t completely lost Clay’s trust in him, at least not professionally.
He let the remote fall onto his chest and let his eyes fall closed as he pictured Clay standing in his office, looking vaguely afraid of whatever Harm was going to ask him. Had it been fear he saw? He wasn’t sure now, at the time he’d assumed that Clay just didn’t trust him not to screw up the operation but now he wasn’t so sure. Trying to read Clay’s expressions was like trying to translate Sanskrit, though, and he had no way of knowing what had been going through Clay’s mind when he closed the door and asked him if Clay had a problem working with him again.
As images of Clay and bits of conversation played over in his memory his mind began to drift, his breathing evening out and growing more shallow until finally he fell asleep. Vague bits of memory began to fade into one concrete image, and suddenly he found himself back in his hospital bed, half-asleep and half-awake but unable to fight the heaviness of his eyelids. He was vaguely aware of someone sitting in the chair next to his bed, the Admiral and Bud and Harriet had gone home hours ago but it couldn’t possibly be morning yet. He tried again to open his eyes and see who was sitting next to him, but his body wouldn’t cooperate and he heard his own voice mumbling something incoherent as he drifted in and out of sleep.
Then there was a hand on his forehead, cooling his skin as it brushed a few strands of hair away from his face. He felt a thumb gently caressing his temples and sending shock waves through his entire system despite the sedative that was keeping him from waking completely. Then the hand was gone and he heard a voice that he’d never quite placed until now whispering the words ‘I’m sorry, Harm’ before the owner of the voice turned and left him alone.
Harm woke with a start, sitting up too fast on the couch and wincing as he aggravated his injury. He ignored the pain as best he could and ran his hands through his hair, his eyes wide but unfocused as he realized that his dream of Clay visiting him in the hospital wasn’t a dream at all. He’d been there, he’d been there and he’d touched Harm - no, it was more of a caress and the feeling behind it couldn’t be Harm’s imagination. He’d been half-asleep and muttering at the time but he remembered the touch clearly, and his pulse began to race as he glanced at the clock on his VCR and realized it was after 5:00. He’d slept most of the day away, but that meant if he was lucky Clay was out of the office for the day. With any luck he’d gone home and Harm could catch him before he lost his nerve.
He stood up and crossed back to his bedroom, changing into a pair of jeans and a denim work shirt before he grabbed his keys and headed out the door.
~
Clay sighed and told himself for the hundredth time that day to stop thinking about Harm, to stop imagining he’d seen a spark of interest in Harm’s eyes when they ran into each other unexpectedly at JAG. Harm was still recovering from his gunshot wound, an injury he had Clay to thank for. So if he was acting a little strange he had every right, he’d just been through a traumatic experience and he didn’t need Clayton Webb making it any worse with stupid romantic notions that there might be a connection between them. The only connection they shared was that the government held the mortgage on their lives, and that was the only thing they’d ever have in common.
He pulled into his parking space and took the keys out of the ignition, just sitting in the silence of his car for a moment before he forced himself to get out and go inside. Even his condominium wasn’t appealing to him tonight, maybe he should have gone out to a bar and had a drink or two before he went home to wallow in his own private misery. He briefly considered getting back in the car and driving down to McGinty’s or somewhere nearby, but since he was already home he might as well at least change out of his suit before he made any plans for the evening.
He started up the walk that led to his condo and stopped dead in his tracks when he realized who was walking toward him. “Harm? What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you,” Harm answered. “I knocked a few times but…”
“I just pulled up,” Clay said. “Do you want to come in?”
“Yeah,” Harm answered, falling into step beside Clay without looking over at him. Neither of them said anything else until they were inside the condo, and Harm waited until Clay had taken off his trenchcoat and set down his briefcase before he turned on him with an accusing look. “You were there.”
“I was where, Harm?” Clay asked, confusion marring his features.
“At the hospital, you were there. I didn’t just imagine it.”
“Of course I was, I came by as soon as I could to make sure you were okay. I was a jerk and you told me to get out. Don’t you remember?”
Harm shook his head impatiently, his arms crossing over his chest. “No, I mean the second time. The night they brought me back into the hospital, you came to visit me. I thought I dreamed it but it really happened, didn’t it?”
Clay blanched and swallowed against the sudden tightness in his throat as he wondered what exactly Harm remembered about his visit that night. He thought about denying it, telling Harm that he was imagining things and the lack of sleep and blood loss were affecting his judgement. One look at Harm’s expression told him that was exactly the wrong approach, though, so he let out a sigh and told the other man as much of the truth as he dared. “Yes, it really happened. I felt responsible and I wanted to see for myself that you were okay. After the first time you threw me out of your room I didn’t want to run the risk of stopping by while you were awake, though.”
Harm frowned as the memory of turning his back on Clay and ordering him out of his room came back to him. They’d both said a lot of stupid things to each other over the years, but there was plenty of time to make up for that later. Right now he was determined to get things between them figured out, for better or for worse. “You were there, and you touched me. Before you left, you touched me, didn’t you?”
“Harm, I…” Clay stammered, trailing off as he realized there was no way out of this one without an out and out lie. And he didn’t want to lie to Harm, not anymore.
“Did you mean it?” Harm asked, taking a few steps closer to Clay and clasping one hand behind his neck in a gesture reminiscent of the look Clay had been seeing in his dreams every night for the past week.
“Mean what?” Clay asked, his voice weak as he tried and failed to keep up with Harm’s thought process.
Harm sighed and took a couple more steps forward, stopping when he was less than a foot in front of Clay. “When you touched me. Did you mean it?”
Clay opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again as Harm somehow got even closer to him without moving. Only when he realized that he was the one that had taken a step toward the taller man did he find his voice. “Christ, Harm, I…yes. I meant it.”
A bright grin turned up the corners of Harm’s mouth, erasing all the signs of fatigue he’d been showing just a few hours earlier. Then he was leaning forward and somehow Clay was moving in to meet him, their lips just barely brushing before Harm pulled back and reached out to touch the other man’s cheek. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“I know,” Clay said, his breath warming Harm’s neck and sending a shiver down the other man’s spine.
“It complicates things,” Harm continued, hovering ever closer to Clay’s waiting mouth.
“God, Harm, don’t you ever stop talking?” Clay murmured, reaching up and sliding one hand behind Harm’s neck. He pulled the taller man into him and covered Harm’s mouth with his own before he had a chance to answer, giving himself a split second to enjoy the triumph of finally getting in the last word with Harmon Rabb. Then his brain shut down completely and he parted his lips against Harm’s, his suit jacket somehow finding its way to the floor behind him. When he felt Harm reach for his tie and begin tugging at the knot he reached up and began working on the buttons of the other man’s shirt, slowly teasing each button out of its hole as his fingers played across the smooth surface of Harm’s bare chest.
Part of his brain was urging him to hurry up, to get their clothes off as fast as possible before Harm had a chance to change his mind. The rest of him was willing to take the risk, though, as long as it meant savoring every second of the one thing he’d been dreaming about since he first laid eyes on Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. When he finally freed the last button from its prison he reached up and pushed the cotton off broad shoulders, tearing his lips away from Harm’s long enough to admire the view in front of him. Harm’s hands were still at his neck, working on the buttons of his shirt now that his tie was hanging loose around his neck. The taller man’s lips were red and already kiss-swollen, his hair hopelessly tousled and his breath coming in short pants. He looked thoroughly debauched already, and Clay couldn’t help thinking that he’d never seen Harm looking more beautiful.
Harm focused on the buttons in front of him so he wouldn’t have to think about the fact that Clay was staring at him, sizing him up with a critical eye as Harm worked to catch up with him. It wasn’t really his fault, after all, Clay did start out wearing more clothes than him and anyway he probably had more experience at this kind of thing than Harm. The moment the thought crossed his mind Harm’s hands stilled on Clay’s chest and he sought out the other man’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Clay asked, his tone almost gentle but still very much the Clay Harm knew and…loved? “You’re thinking too much, Harm,” Clay continued when Harm didn’t answer right away, closing his hands over Harm’s and pressing them against his chest.
Harm smiled as he felt Clay’s heart beating fast through the cotton of his white shirt, some of the tension easing out of him as he realized that Clay was a little nervous too. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just…God, this is embarrassing. I haven’t done this since high school. Not with a guy, anyway.”
Clay mirrored Harm’s self-conscious grin as he pulled Harm’s hands away from his chest and brought one of them to his lips. He wasn’t going to let himself worry about Harm’s potential to run right back into the closet when they woke up, or worse yet, the possibility that Harm was just experimenting with his sexuality. He wasn’t usually much for one-nighters but he wasn’t too proud to take what he could get, at least not in this case. He forced his mind to shut down again and pulled Harm toward the bedroom, gently guiding him toward the bed in the center of the room.
Harm stopped at the edge of the bed and Clay looked up, terrified for a single instant that he wasn’t going to get even one night before Harm changed his mind. Then Harm pulled Clay back into him and fused their lips together again, his hands making their way back down Clay’s chest to finish unbuttoning his shirt. Harm told himself it didn’t matter that he hadn’t done this in years, he was with Clay now and he knew Clay cared about him. Just from a single half-remembered touch in a hospital room he could sense the depth of Clay’s feelings for him, and he wasn’t altogether surprised to find himself mirroring those feelings back to the other man.
When they’d managed to kick their pants and boxers off into a pile on the floor they fell onto the mattress together, a tangle of limbs as Clay’s lips found their way to Harm’s neck. He closed his eyes and focused on the sensations Clay was sending shooting through him, his hips already arching off the mattress and grinding against the other man’s body as his own body demanded release. It had been too long, far too long since anyone had made him feel this alive, but from the first moment his lips brushed against Clay’s he knew what had been missing all that time. He’d tried lying to himself about it, talking himself out of his most basic needs over and over again over the years. He’d stopped himself from falling in love more than once, but somehow Clayton Webb managed to work his way past all Harm’s defenses when he wasn’t even looking.
Finally Clay pulled away to look down at Harm, the question in his eyes tugging at Harm’s heart. “I love you, Clay,” he whispered, reaching up and pulling Clay down for a breathless kiss.
When they finally broke apart Clay stopped moving against Harm and reached out to trail two fingers across Harm’s cheekbone. “I love you too, Harm,” he said, leaning down and planting a soft kiss on the other man’s lips. Then Harm reached between them and wrapped strong fingers around Clay, a low moan of approval escaping his throat when Clay mirrored the action. Their lips fused together again, tongues sliding together as they fell into an identical rhythm. Harm knew it would be over too soon but then he felt Clay tense against him, tearing his lips away from Harm’s to bury his face in Harm’s neck and suck hard on the skin there. The pressure of his hand gripping Harm tight and the feeling of Clay’s mouth on his skin was enough, and Harm moaned Clay’s name as he let go.
After they caught their breath Harm smiled contendedly and reached for the covers of Clay’s bed, pulling the sheet over them and wrapping one arm possessively over Clay’s chest. Clay sighed softly and moved a little further into Harm, his eyes open as he studied the other man’s features. Harm’s face was relaxed and his breathing was already starting to change, but Clay was content with the solid weight of Harm’s arm draped over him and the warmth of the other man’s body curved around him. He wasn’t going to start second-guessing the ramifications of what happened between them, he wasn’t going to question anything tonight. It was enough that Harm had said that he loved him, that was a better gift than Clay could have ever expected.
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: R
Summary: Harm gets hurt and it's Clay's fault. Both men struggle with how they fit into each other's lives.
Three days. It had been three days since the phone in his office rang, since Harm’s voice flooded his senses with five simple words: I need to see you. He’d told himself not to read anything into it, even as he hung up the phone and scrambled to tie up a few necessary loose ends he’d promised himself he wasn’t going to read anything into the way Harm’s voice wavered on the word ‘need’.
He just wanted an explanation, he wanted to hear Clay say that he was sorry. He wanted to know that Clay regretted having to leave him alone in that warehouse - but why? Why did he care what Clay did? He knew the ins and outs of CIA operations and he’d accused Clay more than once of not giving a damn about anyone but himself. So why did he need to hear Clay say he was sorry?
They hadn’t spoken since then, their paths hadn’t crossed at all and Clay was hoping that meant he could go back to focusing on his job and not letting Harmon Rabb infiltrate every waking thought he had. He’d caught himself thinking up excuses to swing by JAG headquarters more than once during the past few days, and every time he caught himself he’d roll his eyes and tell himself to get a grip. Just because Harm had called and asked him to come over didn’t mean there was anything going on between them. No matter how lost and miserable Harm had looked, no matter how hurt he’d seemed at the thought of Clay walking away from him that night. None of that meant there was any chance Harm would ever feel anything toward him besides grudging respect.
If he even felt that much, Clay reminded himself. At least he knew it mattered to Harm what Clay thought of him, it was a small comfort but it was all he had. He may never be anything more to Harm than a colleague, but at least Harm didn’t hate him. A heavy sigh escaped Clay’s throat as he threw himself down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He hadn’t slept more than a few hours at a stretch since the day Harm called and asked him to come over, and it was starting to affect his judgement. It must be, because he couldn’t seem to stop entertaining thoughts of going over to Harm’s house and just telling him how he felt.
He knew what a colossal mistake that would be, though. He’d known all along that nothing would ever happen between him and Harm, that was why he’d fought so hard not to fall in love with the man. Of course he’d gone and done it anyway, so now he had to find a way to fall out of love before he made himself crazy playing a constant game of “what-if” with himself. There was no what if as far as Harmon Rabb was concerned, he was one of the most black and white people Clay had ever met. He had impossibly high moral standards which he applied to everyone but himself, and he lived, slept, and breathed the Navy. That meant a relationship with a man was unthinkable, let alone a relationship with a CIA operative who happened to be a colleague.
No, he’d just find a way to get over Harm and that would be the end of it. Then they could go back to tolerating each other when they happened to cross paths and Clay might be able to get some sleep again. He glanced over at the alarm clock next to his bed: 4:00 am. He groaned and pushed himself off the mattress again, finally coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. There was no reason to lie in bed and torture himself about Harm, he might as well take a shower and go into the office to catch up on the paperwork he’d been neglecting. Maybe a couple hours of mind-numbing paperwork could get his mind off the Commander. It was worth a shot, anyway, and it couldn’t be any worse than anything else he’d tried.
~
“I think I’m ready to go back to a full case load, sir,” Harm said, his hands clasped behind his back as he stood in front of Admiral Chegwidden’s desk.
AJ raised one eyebrow as he looked up from his paperwork to stare down Harm. “I’ll decide when you’re ready for a full case load, Commander. You’re not a hundred percent yet and until your doctor gives the go-ahead I’m not taking any risks. I can’t afford to have you flat on your back in the hospital again.”
“With all due respect, sir…”
“Dismissed, Commander,” AJ barked, turning back to his paperwork to reinforce that the conversation was over.
Harm stifled a sigh and turned away from the Admiral’s desk, scowling as he made his way back to his office. He hated being on limited hours - he’d been hoping that after his talk with Clay he’d be a little less restless but so far it had just made things worse. Getting a glimpse into the human side of Clay was what he’d wanted all along, it was the reason he’d pushed and pushed to get Clay to admit just once that it bothered him to use people to get what he needed. Instead of quenching his interest in Clay, however, Harm found himself wanting to know even more about the man now. He needed to go back to a full workload, it was the only way he was going to get through this with his sanity intact.
There was no changing the Admiral’s mind when he thought he was right, though -
Harm knew that from experience. So he was just going to have to find a way to build up his case load without drawing attention to himself, and when Chegwidden and the doctor finally decided he was ready he’d be one step ahead of them. How hard could it be? The Admiral didn’t personally oversee every single case that came through the office, and at this point Harm would take whatever he could get as long as it meant something to distract him from thinking about Clayton Webb.
The only thing that working wouldn’t cure was the dreams. He was still plagued by them, usually it was the one where he and Clay somehow ended up tangled up on his couch, only he’d stopped waking up when they hit the cushions. He’d woken up stuck to his own sheets more than once in the past week, all-too vivid images of his dream lingering and making him wonder what the hell was happening to him. It wasn’t the first time he’d ever found himself attracted to a man, but it was definitely the first time he hadn’t been able to push it aside and get on with his life. The handful of other times he’d found himself developing a crush on a man he’d stopped it before it started, forcing himself to focus on his career or his coursework in college or even whatever girl he happened to be dating at the time. He’d told himself it was just a phase, then an abberation, and finally he’d just accepted that he was bisexual. But that didn’t mean he had to act on it.
Not until Clay came along, that is. For some reason none of his tried and true methods for working crushes out of his system were working this time, and everything he did to try to erase Clay from his subconscious just let the man burrow a little deeper under his skin. It was getting to be a distraction, and he knew if he let it start affecting his work the Admiral would force him to take more mandatory leave. Vacation time was definitely something he couldn’t handle right now, though - there was no telling what he would do if he found himself all alone with his thoughts for a week straight. The dreams were bad enough and that was just at night, although he found them creeping into his conscious thoughts at really inconvenient times lately.
“Get a grip, Harm,” he hissed at himself, standing up and grabbing his coffee mug in an effort to find something to do to get his mind off his current train of thought. He was about to turn into the break room to fill his mug when the elevator doors opened and he glanced to his left, swallowing hard when he found himself staring right at Clayton Webb.
If he didn’t know better he could have sworn that Clay paled a little when their eyes met, but he recovered quickly and stepped off the elevator. “Morning, Commander,” he said before tearing his gaze away from Harm and making his way toward Chegwidden’s office.
Harm knew he was staring as Clay walked away but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Clay looked…well, terrible. His eyes were shadowed by dark circles and his complexion was ashen, as though he wasn’t sleeping well. For a fleeting moment Harm wondered if he was sick, but he sounded the same as he always did and he wasn’t carrying himself any differently than usual. So maybe he just had a difficult case that was keeping him up at night, more times than not Clay and his fellow operatives kept odd hours during a case.
Harm sighed as he realized he was still standing in front of the break room, staring in the direction Clay had disappeared. He turned slowly and made his way toward the coffee pot, absently pouring himself a cup as he wondered what to make of Clay’s greeting. He’d said good morning to Harm as though nothing had passed between them, as though they were nothing more to each other than colleagues. That is all you are, he reminded himself harshly, picking up his coffee and making his way back to his office before Clay came out of Chegwidden’s office. There was no reason for Clay to treat him any differently than he always did, to him Harm was nothing more than a necessary evil in his life. Just because he’d apologized for getting Harm shot didn’t mean they were going to be best friends.
He caught himself regretting the fact that they weren’t going to at least be friends and reminded himself that he was supposed to be getting Clayton Webb out of his mind for once and for all. First he needed to find a way to stop thinking about him all day, then maybe, just maybe the dreams would stop. He had to believe that because he wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.
~
Clay’s heart fell as Harm just stared at him when he walked by on his way to Chegwidden’s office. He knew Harm was still on limited duty, so he’d been hoping that he wouldn’t run into the other man this morning. He hadn’t wanted to come to JAG headquarters and run the risk of seeing him at all, but Chegwidden had called his office and demanded a meeting to discuss the particulars of the operation he was helping with. He couldn’t exactly refuse to meet with the man when he was helping the CIA bring down a wanted chemical weapons dealer, but he wished it didn’t mean having to walk right past Harm’s office. This definitely wasn’t helping him get Harm off his mind, and it wasn’t going to help him get any sleep either.
“Morning, Mr. Webb. The Admiral is waiting for you,” Tiner said as Clay approached his desk.
“Thanks,” Clay managed to mutter as he passed the younger man and knocked on Chegwidden’s closed office door. When he heard the other man invite him in he turned the knob and stepped inside, closing the door behind him again.
AJ looked up when Clay stepped into his office, waving him into a chair with one hand as he picked up his phone with the other and pressed the intercom button. “Tiner, send Commander Rabb in here.”
“Yes, sir,” Tiner answered as AJ hung up and turned his attention to Clay.
“You look like hell, Webb. Are you sick?”
“No,” Clay answered, startled out of his usual sarcasm by the directness of Chegwidden’s statement. “I’ve just been having a little trouble sleeping.”
“Must be going around,” AJ said, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in front of him. “Rabb’s been using the same excuse for dragging around here like death warmed over. Then he has the nerve to ask me to put him back on a full case load.” AJ laughed to himself at the absurdity of the request as his office door swung open and Harm poked his head around the door.
“You wanted to see me, sir?”
“Get in here, Commander, and close the door.” AJ waited until Harm had shut the door behind him, taking a seat in the empty chair next to Clay without glancing over at the CIA agent. “I want Rabb to sit in on this meeting so he can brief our people on their assignment. Unless you have an objection to working with Mr. Webb on this project, Commander.”
“No…no, sir,” Harm answered, catching himself just before he rolled his eyes at himself. “I mean I don’t have any objections.” He stole a quick glance at Clay but the other man was staring straight ahead, his expression unreadable.
“Good. Now Webb, tell us what exactly we’re dealing with here. And don’t tell me it’s in the damn file. I read the file, I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
Clay didn’t bother putting up a fight, he knew he was too tired and too distracted by the idea of actually working with Harm to win an argument with Chegwidden anyway. It was enough that he’d stepped off the elevators and practically run right into Harm, now they were sitting side by side in the Admiral’s office. He cursed his luck and began running down the details of the case, his brain on automatic pilot as he reiterated for Chegwidden and Harm everything that was in the files.
When he finished he clamped his mouth shut and hoped he hadn’t said anything stupid, he hadn’t been listening to himself or even thinking about what he was saying. He was too busy trying not to focus on the fact that Harm was sitting less than three feet away from him, and if he didn’t know better he could swear Harm was looking everywhere in the room except at him.
“Fine, thank you, Mr. Webb. Rabb, you think you can handle the particulars?”
“Wh…oh. Yes, sir,” Harm stammered, his cheeks flushing a little as he looked at his CO to find AJ scowling at him.
“See that you do. Dismissed, both of you. And get some damn sleep, you both look like hell,” AJ barked as Clay followed Harm out of the Admiral’s office.
When he reached the door to his own office Harm stopped walking, turning to Clay before he could talk himself out of it. “Do you have a few minutes, Webb? To discuss the particulars,” Harm added quickly.
Clay shrugged and glanced at the clock on the wall, pretending to consider his schedule for a moment before he nodded. “I have a few minutes between meetings.”
Harm stood aside and let Clay walk ahead of him into his office, closing his door behind them before he turned and folded his arms over his chest. “The Admiral didn’t ask you if you have a problem working with me on this case,” Harm said, working hard to keep his voice even. He knew inviting Clay into his office was a bad idea, but he felt he owed it to the other man to give him an out if he wanted one. “Considering what happened the last time we worked together, I thought you might have misgivings.”
Clay turned away from Harm for a moment to look out the window of his office, telling himself that he could get through a simple work-related conversation with the man without turning it into yet another argument. Harm had a point, after all, the last time they’d worked together things hadn’t gone well and it was natural for one or both of them to have doubts. “I don’t have a problem working with you, Rabb. I’d think if anyone would have misgivings it would be you, considering.”
Just for a second Harm thought he saw something akin to sadness flash in Clay’s eyes, but when he blinked it was gone and he told himself it was just his imagination. After all, Clay did look like he hadn’t been sleeping well and Harm wasn’t exactly at top performance himself. He caught himself wondering if Clay had been losing sleep for the same reason he had, but he pushed the idea out of his mind as soon as it appeared. Those kinds of thoughts were definitely a bad idea, especially considering how close they were standing in the small office. “There’s no reason for me to have misgivings, Clay. I won’t even be a part of the actual operation, I’m just doing the briefing.”
Clay nodded but he was only half-listening to Harm as he wondered when exactly the other man had started calling him by his first name. He hadn’t even noticed when Harm made the switch but suddenly it seemed important somehow. He couldn’t let himself wonder why it should matter, though, it was just a name after all. “Fine, it’s settled then. If you have any questions just call my office. Otherwise I’ll be in touch with any new details.”
“Good,” Harm said, but he didn’t make a move to step away from the door. They stood face to face for a long moment, both of them silent as they watched the other and tried to decide what exactly was going on. Clay broke the silence first, clearing his throat and tearing his gaze away from Harm’s.
“I’ve got a meeting to get to, Rabb. Is there anything else?”
“No, that’s it,” Harm answered, a fresh blush creeping into his cheeks as he realized he’d been staring. He stepped away from the door and pulled it open, standing aside to let Clay brush past him. When Clay was halfway out the door he turned and looked up at Harm, doing his best to ignore the heat radiating off the other man as their eyes locked.
“I’ll be in touch.”
All Harm could do was nod as Clay turned away and crossed the outer office, stopping in front of the elevators with his back to Harm. As soon as the elevator door opened Harm shut his door and leaned against it, closing his eyes as he told himself there was nothing between them. It was just business, Clay needed JAG’s help and there was nothing more behind his promise to be in touch.
~
As soon as he could Harm made his excuses and left the office for the day, thankful for the first time for his limited duty status as he drove back to the sanctity of his apartment. He never thought he’d be desperate for some time alone again after the past month, but after his confusing morning with Clay he needed to get his head on straight. He wished he could change into a pair of gym shorts and go play basketball or even go for a run, anything that would exhaust him enough that he wouldn’t have to think about Clayton Webb and that flicker of almost-but-not-quite-regret Harm could have sworn he’d seen in Clay’s eyes. He’d been trying to convince himself since Clay left his office that he’d imagined it, that Clay was just exhausted for his own private reasons and it had nothing to do with Harm.
No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was imagining a connection between them he couldn’t get his heart to believe him, though. He wasn’t even sure when his heart had entered into the equation, but the fact was it had and he was past the point of plausible deniability. Not that he was necessarily in love with Clayton Webb, after all he didn’t really know him all that well and they spent most of their time fighting. Still, Harm had always known that under that cold exterior there was a complex man, and Clay had let him see more of that since he’d gotten himself shot than he had in all the years they’d been working together. Harm smiled to himself as he realized that it was almost worth the bullet in his side to see a softer side of the CIA agent, not that he’d ever admit that to Clay.
When he caught himself thinking of them as friends he rolled his eyes and made his way toward his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. He wasn’t going to build a relationship that didn’t exist in his mind, no matter how much he wished it were true. Even if Clay was interested it just wasn’t possible, not with their careers and the circles they both travelled in. He let out a deep breath as he caught himself doing it again and reminded himself that he had no reason to think that Clay was interested in him. Did he?
Once he was clad in a ratty college sweatshirt and a pair of shorts he stretched out on the couch, careful not to put too much pressure on his still vaguely sore wound as he grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels. So he and Clay were working on an assignment together, it wasn’t the first time and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. He hadn’t let Clay see his relief when the other man said he had no qualms about working with Harm again, but privately Harm had been gratified to know that he hadn’t completely lost Clay’s trust in him, at least not professionally.
He let the remote fall onto his chest and let his eyes fall closed as he pictured Clay standing in his office, looking vaguely afraid of whatever Harm was going to ask him. Had it been fear he saw? He wasn’t sure now, at the time he’d assumed that Clay just didn’t trust him not to screw up the operation but now he wasn’t so sure. Trying to read Clay’s expressions was like trying to translate Sanskrit, though, and he had no way of knowing what had been going through Clay’s mind when he closed the door and asked him if Clay had a problem working with him again.
As images of Clay and bits of conversation played over in his memory his mind began to drift, his breathing evening out and growing more shallow until finally he fell asleep. Vague bits of memory began to fade into one concrete image, and suddenly he found himself back in his hospital bed, half-asleep and half-awake but unable to fight the heaviness of his eyelids. He was vaguely aware of someone sitting in the chair next to his bed, the Admiral and Bud and Harriet had gone home hours ago but it couldn’t possibly be morning yet. He tried again to open his eyes and see who was sitting next to him, but his body wouldn’t cooperate and he heard his own voice mumbling something incoherent as he drifted in and out of sleep.
Then there was a hand on his forehead, cooling his skin as it brushed a few strands of hair away from his face. He felt a thumb gently caressing his temples and sending shock waves through his entire system despite the sedative that was keeping him from waking completely. Then the hand was gone and he heard a voice that he’d never quite placed until now whispering the words ‘I’m sorry, Harm’ before the owner of the voice turned and left him alone.
Harm woke with a start, sitting up too fast on the couch and wincing as he aggravated his injury. He ignored the pain as best he could and ran his hands through his hair, his eyes wide but unfocused as he realized that his dream of Clay visiting him in the hospital wasn’t a dream at all. He’d been there, he’d been there and he’d touched Harm - no, it was more of a caress and the feeling behind it couldn’t be Harm’s imagination. He’d been half-asleep and muttering at the time but he remembered the touch clearly, and his pulse began to race as he glanced at the clock on his VCR and realized it was after 5:00. He’d slept most of the day away, but that meant if he was lucky Clay was out of the office for the day. With any luck he’d gone home and Harm could catch him before he lost his nerve.
He stood up and crossed back to his bedroom, changing into a pair of jeans and a denim work shirt before he grabbed his keys and headed out the door.
~
Clay sighed and told himself for the hundredth time that day to stop thinking about Harm, to stop imagining he’d seen a spark of interest in Harm’s eyes when they ran into each other unexpectedly at JAG. Harm was still recovering from his gunshot wound, an injury he had Clay to thank for. So if he was acting a little strange he had every right, he’d just been through a traumatic experience and he didn’t need Clayton Webb making it any worse with stupid romantic notions that there might be a connection between them. The only connection they shared was that the government held the mortgage on their lives, and that was the only thing they’d ever have in common.
He pulled into his parking space and took the keys out of the ignition, just sitting in the silence of his car for a moment before he forced himself to get out and go inside. Even his condominium wasn’t appealing to him tonight, maybe he should have gone out to a bar and had a drink or two before he went home to wallow in his own private misery. He briefly considered getting back in the car and driving down to McGinty’s or somewhere nearby, but since he was already home he might as well at least change out of his suit before he made any plans for the evening.
He started up the walk that led to his condo and stopped dead in his tracks when he realized who was walking toward him. “Harm? What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you,” Harm answered. “I knocked a few times but…”
“I just pulled up,” Clay said. “Do you want to come in?”
“Yeah,” Harm answered, falling into step beside Clay without looking over at him. Neither of them said anything else until they were inside the condo, and Harm waited until Clay had taken off his trenchcoat and set down his briefcase before he turned on him with an accusing look. “You were there.”
“I was where, Harm?” Clay asked, confusion marring his features.
“At the hospital, you were there. I didn’t just imagine it.”
“Of course I was, I came by as soon as I could to make sure you were okay. I was a jerk and you told me to get out. Don’t you remember?”
Harm shook his head impatiently, his arms crossing over his chest. “No, I mean the second time. The night they brought me back into the hospital, you came to visit me. I thought I dreamed it but it really happened, didn’t it?”
Clay blanched and swallowed against the sudden tightness in his throat as he wondered what exactly Harm remembered about his visit that night. He thought about denying it, telling Harm that he was imagining things and the lack of sleep and blood loss were affecting his judgement. One look at Harm’s expression told him that was exactly the wrong approach, though, so he let out a sigh and told the other man as much of the truth as he dared. “Yes, it really happened. I felt responsible and I wanted to see for myself that you were okay. After the first time you threw me out of your room I didn’t want to run the risk of stopping by while you were awake, though.”
Harm frowned as the memory of turning his back on Clay and ordering him out of his room came back to him. They’d both said a lot of stupid things to each other over the years, but there was plenty of time to make up for that later. Right now he was determined to get things between them figured out, for better or for worse. “You were there, and you touched me. Before you left, you touched me, didn’t you?”
“Harm, I…” Clay stammered, trailing off as he realized there was no way out of this one without an out and out lie. And he didn’t want to lie to Harm, not anymore.
“Did you mean it?” Harm asked, taking a few steps closer to Clay and clasping one hand behind his neck in a gesture reminiscent of the look Clay had been seeing in his dreams every night for the past week.
“Mean what?” Clay asked, his voice weak as he tried and failed to keep up with Harm’s thought process.
Harm sighed and took a couple more steps forward, stopping when he was less than a foot in front of Clay. “When you touched me. Did you mean it?”
Clay opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again as Harm somehow got even closer to him without moving. Only when he realized that he was the one that had taken a step toward the taller man did he find his voice. “Christ, Harm, I…yes. I meant it.”
A bright grin turned up the corners of Harm’s mouth, erasing all the signs of fatigue he’d been showing just a few hours earlier. Then he was leaning forward and somehow Clay was moving in to meet him, their lips just barely brushing before Harm pulled back and reached out to touch the other man’s cheek. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“I know,” Clay said, his breath warming Harm’s neck and sending a shiver down the other man’s spine.
“It complicates things,” Harm continued, hovering ever closer to Clay’s waiting mouth.
“God, Harm, don’t you ever stop talking?” Clay murmured, reaching up and sliding one hand behind Harm’s neck. He pulled the taller man into him and covered Harm’s mouth with his own before he had a chance to answer, giving himself a split second to enjoy the triumph of finally getting in the last word with Harmon Rabb. Then his brain shut down completely and he parted his lips against Harm’s, his suit jacket somehow finding its way to the floor behind him. When he felt Harm reach for his tie and begin tugging at the knot he reached up and began working on the buttons of the other man’s shirt, slowly teasing each button out of its hole as his fingers played across the smooth surface of Harm’s bare chest.
Part of his brain was urging him to hurry up, to get their clothes off as fast as possible before Harm had a chance to change his mind. The rest of him was willing to take the risk, though, as long as it meant savoring every second of the one thing he’d been dreaming about since he first laid eyes on Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. When he finally freed the last button from its prison he reached up and pushed the cotton off broad shoulders, tearing his lips away from Harm’s long enough to admire the view in front of him. Harm’s hands were still at his neck, working on the buttons of his shirt now that his tie was hanging loose around his neck. The taller man’s lips were red and already kiss-swollen, his hair hopelessly tousled and his breath coming in short pants. He looked thoroughly debauched already, and Clay couldn’t help thinking that he’d never seen Harm looking more beautiful.
Harm focused on the buttons in front of him so he wouldn’t have to think about the fact that Clay was staring at him, sizing him up with a critical eye as Harm worked to catch up with him. It wasn’t really his fault, after all, Clay did start out wearing more clothes than him and anyway he probably had more experience at this kind of thing than Harm. The moment the thought crossed his mind Harm’s hands stilled on Clay’s chest and he sought out the other man’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Clay asked, his tone almost gentle but still very much the Clay Harm knew and…loved? “You’re thinking too much, Harm,” Clay continued when Harm didn’t answer right away, closing his hands over Harm’s and pressing them against his chest.
Harm smiled as he felt Clay’s heart beating fast through the cotton of his white shirt, some of the tension easing out of him as he realized that Clay was a little nervous too. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just…God, this is embarrassing. I haven’t done this since high school. Not with a guy, anyway.”
Clay mirrored Harm’s self-conscious grin as he pulled Harm’s hands away from his chest and brought one of them to his lips. He wasn’t going to let himself worry about Harm’s potential to run right back into the closet when they woke up, or worse yet, the possibility that Harm was just experimenting with his sexuality. He wasn’t usually much for one-nighters but he wasn’t too proud to take what he could get, at least not in this case. He forced his mind to shut down again and pulled Harm toward the bedroom, gently guiding him toward the bed in the center of the room.
Harm stopped at the edge of the bed and Clay looked up, terrified for a single instant that he wasn’t going to get even one night before Harm changed his mind. Then Harm pulled Clay back into him and fused their lips together again, his hands making their way back down Clay’s chest to finish unbuttoning his shirt. Harm told himself it didn’t matter that he hadn’t done this in years, he was with Clay now and he knew Clay cared about him. Just from a single half-remembered touch in a hospital room he could sense the depth of Clay’s feelings for him, and he wasn’t altogether surprised to find himself mirroring those feelings back to the other man.
When they’d managed to kick their pants and boxers off into a pile on the floor they fell onto the mattress together, a tangle of limbs as Clay’s lips found their way to Harm’s neck. He closed his eyes and focused on the sensations Clay was sending shooting through him, his hips already arching off the mattress and grinding against the other man’s body as his own body demanded release. It had been too long, far too long since anyone had made him feel this alive, but from the first moment his lips brushed against Clay’s he knew what had been missing all that time. He’d tried lying to himself about it, talking himself out of his most basic needs over and over again over the years. He’d stopped himself from falling in love more than once, but somehow Clayton Webb managed to work his way past all Harm’s defenses when he wasn’t even looking.
Finally Clay pulled away to look down at Harm, the question in his eyes tugging at Harm’s heart. “I love you, Clay,” he whispered, reaching up and pulling Clay down for a breathless kiss.
When they finally broke apart Clay stopped moving against Harm and reached out to trail two fingers across Harm’s cheekbone. “I love you too, Harm,” he said, leaning down and planting a soft kiss on the other man’s lips. Then Harm reached between them and wrapped strong fingers around Clay, a low moan of approval escaping his throat when Clay mirrored the action. Their lips fused together again, tongues sliding together as they fell into an identical rhythm. Harm knew it would be over too soon but then he felt Clay tense against him, tearing his lips away from Harm’s to bury his face in Harm’s neck and suck hard on the skin there. The pressure of his hand gripping Harm tight and the feeling of Clay’s mouth on his skin was enough, and Harm moaned Clay’s name as he let go.
After they caught their breath Harm smiled contendedly and reached for the covers of Clay’s bed, pulling the sheet over them and wrapping one arm possessively over Clay’s chest. Clay sighed softly and moved a little further into Harm, his eyes open as he studied the other man’s features. Harm’s face was relaxed and his breathing was already starting to change, but Clay was content with the solid weight of Harm’s arm draped over him and the warmth of the other man’s body curved around him. He wasn’t going to start second-guessing the ramifications of what happened between them, he wasn’t going to question anything tonight. It was enough that Harm had said that he loved him, that was a better gift than Clay could have ever expected.