Fic: Butterfly Effect 32/? (BWOC, Tommy/Merton, NC17)
In which, once again, Tommy refuses to follow the outline. That's the whole reason this fic is taking so long. I can hear what you're thinking: "Then just stop trying to plan it out, you nitwit." Well, yes, that's very good advice, except that when I try to go with the flow I just end up hopelessly blocked. So I'll just keep revising my outline and we'll get there eventually : )
Chapter Thirty-Two: Ultimatum
Tommy hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since Merton asked. What would happen if he didn't get into the Citadel? His father would probably disown him, for one thing, which would leave him with no sons to follow in his footsteps. But what would happen to Tommy…that part he wasn't so sure about.
He could probably go to another school, or he could enlist and do four years in the service before he used the G.I. Bill to put him through school. It wouldn't make his father all that happy, but it would be better than nothing, and it would probably be Tommy's only shot at college if his father disowned him.
There was football, sure, but it was too late for scholarships now. The scouts had long since chosen their likeliest prospects for the next year, and they'd never come to the Academy at all. There was no reason for them to, not when pretty much every guy in school was being groomed for a military college. That was the whole point of the Academy, and that was exactly the reason Merton didn't really belong here.
Not that Tommy didn't want him here. There was a time, sure, when he wouldn't have minded if Merton did manage to get himself kicked out. But lately…well, lately hanging out with Merton was the only thing Tommy looked forward to. It was pretty much all he thought about when he wasn't worrying about his father, and he wasn't sure that was such a good thing.
Hanging out with Merton was one thing, but thinking about him all the time couldn't be normal. And it was bad enough before, but ever since Roberts put the idea in his head, Tommy kept picturing Merton sucking him off. On his knees, shirt off and Tommy had seen Merton without a shirt often enough to picture it perfectly. His lips would be red and sort of wet, eyes wide and blue and…God, this wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening, not to him. Because he had a future and it didn't involve getting hard every time he thought about his roommate.
So maybe his life would be easier if Merton had just gotten kicked out at the beginning of the year, but every time Tommy caught himself thinking it he instantly felt guilty. Merton was the only one who'd stuck by him through this whole mess, and granted, a lot of it was kind of his fault, but at least he wasn't avoiding Tommy the way the rest of the squadron was. And that made him feel even worse, because Merton was trying to be a friend and Tommy repaid him by falling for him.
Or something.
He wasn't even sure, because he'd never felt this way about anyone before. He'd never spent all his time thinking about another person before, never thought about stuff that made him blush in the middle of the day and made him fear the group showers in the barracks for the first time in his life. He didn't have any experience with any of this stuff, but he was pretty sure the rumors about him weren't a hundred percent lies after all.
And that was the last thing he needed, because his father was already one last screw-up away from disowning him, and if he heard about this…but there was nothing to hear about. Tommy hadn't actually done anything about it - unless he counted that time he almost kissed Merton - and he wasn't about to do anything about it. So there was nothing to know, and once he got through the school year and headed to the Citadel this would all be just a memory.
That was what he told himself as he headed for football practice, shoulders tense with the effort to stop thinking about his roommate. Because practice was the worst place to start letting his mind wander, especially when the rest of the team already thought something was going on between him and Merton.
"Dawkins."
Tommy stopped at the sound of his name, turning to watch Dennis jog up the path toward him. And that was weird, because Dennis wasn't on the football team. He had his own activity to report to, and it had to be important for Dennis to risk being late, especially now that he set the example for the rest of the squad. He was still the squad leader, though, so Tommy drew himself to attention and waited while Dennis caught up to him.
"At ease," Dennis muttered when he stopped in front of Tommy, and Tommy wasn't sure if he was imagining the discomfort in Dennis' voice. He relaxed into the appropriate stance anyway, hands still clasped behind his back and when Dennis didn't quite look at him Tommy knew he wasn't imagining things. And it was kind of weird, taking orders from Dennis, of all people, but that was just the way it was now.
"Look, Dawkins," Dennis said, still not really looking at Tommy, "none of this was my idea, but there's nothing I can do to change it."
Tommy wasn't sure whether Dennis meant the fact that he was in charge of the squadron now or the fact that all their friends had turned on him, but it didn't really matter. Either way they both knew he couldn't change it. "Yes, sir."
"Don't…look, Dawkins, I'm trying to help you out here," Dennis said, and Tommy ignored the little thrill that rolled through him at the thought of making Dennis squirm. None of this was Dennis' fault, and Tommy couldn't even really blame him for bailing on their friendship. "It doesn't have to be this way."
"Sure it does," Tommy said, but he took pity on Dennis and left off the 'sir'. "Roberts is making sure of that."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you. Look, Dawkins, the guys have known you for a long time, but they don't know Dingle at all. They don't trust him and they're never going to accept him as part of the squad. All you have to do is cut him loose and all this stuff goes away."
"He's my roommate, I can't just pretend he doesn't exist." He didn't want to, but he wasn't going to admit that to Dennis.
"He doesn't have to be," Dennis answered, rolling his eyes in that way that told Tommy he was getting impatient. "That's my whole point. We've been roommates forever, Dawkins. Just move back in with me and everything goes back to normal. Even Roberts has to let up if you're not living with him anymore."
And there was something about the way he said it that made Tommy nervous, like he was drowning and Dennis was throwing him a lifeline. All he had to do was grab on, he knew that, and it probably would go away eventually. He wouldn't be team captain or squadron leader anymore, but he'd be one of the guys again, and eventually they'd all forget about Merton and the way Tommy had stood up for him.
Only Tommy wouldn't forget, and he was betting Merton wouldn't either. They'd still see each other every single day, but Tommy wouldn't be able to talk to him. He wouldn't even be able to go to Merton for math help without starting even more rumors, and the thought of abandoning Merton like that made his stomach twist.
He knew it was the smart thing to do, knew that Dennis was offering to save him and that this was his only chance. He knew it was what his father wanted him to do, and for a second he actually thought about saying yes. It would be so easy to go back to the way things used to be before Merton showed up, to being the guy all his friends thought he was. Only none of them would ever trust him again, not really. Not when they all half believed the rumors Chuck was spreading, and the worst part was that they'd be right.
Tommy wasn't that guy. He knew that now, and even if he never did anything about it, he couldn't ever go back.
"Thanks," Tommy finally answered, drawing himself back to attention. "But I've already got a roommate."
For a second Dennis just looked at him like maybe he was waiting for Tommy to telling him he was just kidding. And there was a part of Tommy that wanted to, the part that just wanted all of this to go away so he wouldn't have to think about it anymore. But he knew that wasn't possible, and there was another part of him that didn't really want it to.
"Don't do this, Dawkins," Dennis said, and this time he didn't bother pretending he wasn't begging. "I'm offering you your life back here."
"Understood, sir," Tommy answered, staring straight ahead so he wouldn't have to look at Dennis. "But Dingle's part of the squad too, sir, and I can't turn my back on a fellow squad member. Especially one that never turned his back on me. Sir."
Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he'd regret it later, when the rest of the squadron was making both their lives hell. He probably could have saved them both by just taking Dennis' offer and moving out, after all. Then again, his so-called friends might have turned on Merton even worse, and Tommy wouldn't have been able to do anything to stop them. At least this way he could watch Merton's back, and he could count on Merton never to turn on him.
~
Tommy was quiet all through dinner. Not that they ever talked that much at meals, because the rest of their squadron still spent a lot of time watching them. Like they were going to start making out over their Salisbury Steak. Like there was any making out going on at all.
Not that Merton wanted there to be; he wasn't suicidal, after all, and other than that one time when Tommy went crazy for a second, he hadn't expressed any interest in Merton as anything other than a math tutor.
Okay, so maybe that wasn't fair. Tommy had gone pretty far out of his way to be Merton's friend, and Merton appreciated it. He wasn't that good at showing it, maybe, but he liked having one friendly face in this place. He was even starting to think that maybe they could be friends outside of this place, if they both lived long enough to see graduation. That was something he wasn't exactly counting on, though, because Krauss still glared every time he saw Merton, and Roberts just smiled that creepy smile that made Merton wonder what he was plotting.
The point was that there was nothing going on between them, no matter what everyone else believed. Still, they were friends, and usually Tommy was a little more talkative than this. So Merton was pretty sure there was something wrong, but he wasn't about to ask. Most of Tommy's problems were his fault, after all, and if football practice had been miserable or Tommy was still brooding about his father, Merton didn't want to remind him of the reason his life had been turned upside down.
Maybe that was selfish, but he liked having Tommy in his corner, and he was pretty sure that one of these days Tommy would wake up and realize he didn't owe Merton anything. Even Tommy's hero complex would only stretch so far, after all, and eventually it would dawn on him that all he had to do was cut Merton loose and he could have his life back. Only Merton had already given him the opportunity to do exactly that, and Tommy hadn't taken it, so maybe Merton wasn't giving him enough credit.
He was a pretty loyal guy, after all, and when they were alone it was easy to forget that they were only friends because…well, because they were sort of stuck with each other. Merton never really had a choice, anyway, and Tommy didn't have much of one once all his friends turned on him. Then again, if he'd just ignored Merton from the start Tommy would still have his other friends.
He still didn't understand why Tommy had made that choice, but every time he asked Tommy just spouted something about how squad members were supposed to look out for each other. As far as Merton could tell Tommy was the only one who followed that rule, but arguing with him about it never did any good. Only he was being quieter than usual tonight, and Merton was starting to think maybe Tommy had changed his mind about where his loyalties should lie.
Merton waited until they were safely back in their room, away from the hostile stares of the rest of the squadron. They both had at least two hours' worth of homework ahead of them, but Merton knew he wasn't going to be able to concentrate with Tommy brooding on his side of the room, so as soon as their door was closed he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his roommate. "Okay, out with it."
"What?" Tommy asked, and he sounded startled, like maybe he'd forgotten that Merton was there.
"Something's bothering you," Merton said, though he wasn't really sure he wanted to know what it was. "So you might as well tell me what it is."
"It's nothing," Tommy answered, turning away to shuffle through the books on his desk. His back was to Merton, but his shoulders were tense under his t-shirt and Merton could tell he was lying. He wasn't even a good liar, and Merton knew he should push it until Tommy told him the truth. That was what friends did, after all; at least that was what Lori always did when Merton didn't want to tell her something. Only Tommy wasn't Lori, and Merton really wasn't sure he wanted to hear whatever was bothering his roommate.
He was still trying to decide whether to push it or just let it go when Tommy glanced over at him, and when Merton saw his expression his heart sank. "Krauss wants me to move back in with him."
Merton should have seen it coming. He knew he should have seen it coming, especially after the way Krauss had cornered him the other day. It was pretty obvious then that he hadn't given up on Tommy completely, and getting Tommy to abandon Merton was more his style than cornering Merton and beating the shit out of him. That was Roberts' style, and Merton sort of figured that was what would happen eventually.
So he hadn't even considered the fact that Krauss had a room all to himself, and the best way for Tommy to save face would be to ditch Merton and go back to his old roommate. It was obvious now that he thought about it, though, just like it was obvious that Tommy had no idea what to do. And that was the whole problem with being loyal, because Tommy obviously wanted his old friends back, but he didn't want to abandon Merton.
Of course Tommy was going to take Krauss up on his offer. He wouldn't have bothered to mention it if he wasn't at least thinking about it, and Merton couldn't really blame him. Anybody else would have ditched him a long time ago, and the fact that Tommy wanted to be friends with a bunch of traitors and cowards was his own business. That didn't mean Merton had to like it, but he wasn't going to act like a baby about it either.
"Yeah? That's great, Tommy. I mean, I still think they're a bunch of assholes, but it'll be a lot easier on you that way."
"You think I should do it?" Tommy asked, and he sounded so surprised that Merton wanted to laugh.
"Sure, why not? I mean, it's not like you owe me anything. Besides, it's not like I'd have to move back in with Eckert. This way I get my own room."
He forced a laugh at his own lame joke, but Tommy didn't smile. He just kept staring like he'd never seen Merton before, and the longer he stood there the more nervous Merton got. Because it was pretty obvious Tommy wanted something from him, only Merton had no idea what. He'd assumed Tommy wanted permission to go back to his old life, for Merton to let him off the hook so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. But Merton had just given him that and he was still just standing there in the middle of the room, looking like he'd lost his best friend.
"Look, if you're waiting for me to help you pack you can forget it."
Tommy flinched at the words, but Merton told himself it was just guilt for thinking about bailing on him. And he deserved to feel guilty, especially after all the speeches he'd given Merton about loyalty and looking out for each other. But if this was what he wanted Merton wasn't going to stand in his way; he didn't need Tommy's friendship to survive, and pretty soon he'd even stop wanting it.
"So you want me to go."
This time Merton didn't bother holding back the urge to roll his eyes. He knew Tommy was looking for permission, but Merton wasn't about to engrave him an invitation. "That's why you told me, right? So I could give you my blessing and you wouldn't have to feel guilty?"
"No," Tommy answered. "I didn't...look, I don't want to go. That's the whole point."
And now he wasn't making any sense at all, but he wasn't leaving, either, and for some reason that made Merton even more nervous. Both their lives would be a lot less complicated if Tommy just packed up his stuff and went back to his old life; Merton would be alone, sure, but at least the rest of the squadron would stop accusing him of luring Tommy over to the dark side. Which he hadn't even done, not that anyone would believe him.
Except that Tommy was moving closer, fingers sort of curling and uncurling at his sides like he couldn't decide what to do with them, and suddenly Merton wasn't so sure that Tommy was just looking for Merton's permission to end their friendship.
"Then what…"
That was as far as he got before Tommy touched him, hand on his shoulder and it wasn't the first time Tommy had ever touched him, but it felt a lot different than the other times. Tommy looked nervous, but he looked determined too, and Merton couldn't help the shudder that rolled through him when Tommy leaned in and kissed him.
It happened so fast that at first Merton wasn't sure whether or not he'd imagined it, but he could feel Tommy's lips pressed against his and it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching up and pressing his fingers against his mouth.
"That's the problem," Tommy said, still standing way too close and oh, God, he was going to kiss Merton again. "I don't want to go."
Then he was kissing Merton again, harder this time and a little more confident, and before he could stop himself Merton reached up to slide a hand around the back of Tommy's neck. This was a huge problem - Tommy was right about that much - and Merton knew they should stop. They should stop and pack up Tommy's stuff as fast as they could without looking at each other, because the only way to make it through the rest of the year alive was to get as far away from each other as they could.
But Tommy was kissing him like he'd never heard of kissing until this moment, like he'd just been waiting for Merton to show up so his life could begin. His hand left Merton's shoulder to slide around his waist, pulling him close and just sort of…holding him, and Merton had no idea that something so dangerous could feel like the safest place in the world. And this was a bad idea, but their second kiss hadn't even ended yet and Merton already knew that there was no turning back.
Chapter Thirty-Two: Ultimatum
Tommy hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since Merton asked. What would happen if he didn't get into the Citadel? His father would probably disown him, for one thing, which would leave him with no sons to follow in his footsteps. But what would happen to Tommy…that part he wasn't so sure about.
He could probably go to another school, or he could enlist and do four years in the service before he used the G.I. Bill to put him through school. It wouldn't make his father all that happy, but it would be better than nothing, and it would probably be Tommy's only shot at college if his father disowned him.
There was football, sure, but it was too late for scholarships now. The scouts had long since chosen their likeliest prospects for the next year, and they'd never come to the Academy at all. There was no reason for them to, not when pretty much every guy in school was being groomed for a military college. That was the whole point of the Academy, and that was exactly the reason Merton didn't really belong here.
Not that Tommy didn't want him here. There was a time, sure, when he wouldn't have minded if Merton did manage to get himself kicked out. But lately…well, lately hanging out with Merton was the only thing Tommy looked forward to. It was pretty much all he thought about when he wasn't worrying about his father, and he wasn't sure that was such a good thing.
Hanging out with Merton was one thing, but thinking about him all the time couldn't be normal. And it was bad enough before, but ever since Roberts put the idea in his head, Tommy kept picturing Merton sucking him off. On his knees, shirt off and Tommy had seen Merton without a shirt often enough to picture it perfectly. His lips would be red and sort of wet, eyes wide and blue and…God, this wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening, not to him. Because he had a future and it didn't involve getting hard every time he thought about his roommate.
So maybe his life would be easier if Merton had just gotten kicked out at the beginning of the year, but every time Tommy caught himself thinking it he instantly felt guilty. Merton was the only one who'd stuck by him through this whole mess, and granted, a lot of it was kind of his fault, but at least he wasn't avoiding Tommy the way the rest of the squadron was. And that made him feel even worse, because Merton was trying to be a friend and Tommy repaid him by falling for him.
Or something.
He wasn't even sure, because he'd never felt this way about anyone before. He'd never spent all his time thinking about another person before, never thought about stuff that made him blush in the middle of the day and made him fear the group showers in the barracks for the first time in his life. He didn't have any experience with any of this stuff, but he was pretty sure the rumors about him weren't a hundred percent lies after all.
And that was the last thing he needed, because his father was already one last screw-up away from disowning him, and if he heard about this…but there was nothing to hear about. Tommy hadn't actually done anything about it - unless he counted that time he almost kissed Merton - and he wasn't about to do anything about it. So there was nothing to know, and once he got through the school year and headed to the Citadel this would all be just a memory.
That was what he told himself as he headed for football practice, shoulders tense with the effort to stop thinking about his roommate. Because practice was the worst place to start letting his mind wander, especially when the rest of the team already thought something was going on between him and Merton.
"Dawkins."
Tommy stopped at the sound of his name, turning to watch Dennis jog up the path toward him. And that was weird, because Dennis wasn't on the football team. He had his own activity to report to, and it had to be important for Dennis to risk being late, especially now that he set the example for the rest of the squad. He was still the squad leader, though, so Tommy drew himself to attention and waited while Dennis caught up to him.
"At ease," Dennis muttered when he stopped in front of Tommy, and Tommy wasn't sure if he was imagining the discomfort in Dennis' voice. He relaxed into the appropriate stance anyway, hands still clasped behind his back and when Dennis didn't quite look at him Tommy knew he wasn't imagining things. And it was kind of weird, taking orders from Dennis, of all people, but that was just the way it was now.
"Look, Dawkins," Dennis said, still not really looking at Tommy, "none of this was my idea, but there's nothing I can do to change it."
Tommy wasn't sure whether Dennis meant the fact that he was in charge of the squadron now or the fact that all their friends had turned on him, but it didn't really matter. Either way they both knew he couldn't change it. "Yes, sir."
"Don't…look, Dawkins, I'm trying to help you out here," Dennis said, and Tommy ignored the little thrill that rolled through him at the thought of making Dennis squirm. None of this was Dennis' fault, and Tommy couldn't even really blame him for bailing on their friendship. "It doesn't have to be this way."
"Sure it does," Tommy said, but he took pity on Dennis and left off the 'sir'. "Roberts is making sure of that."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you. Look, Dawkins, the guys have known you for a long time, but they don't know Dingle at all. They don't trust him and they're never going to accept him as part of the squad. All you have to do is cut him loose and all this stuff goes away."
"He's my roommate, I can't just pretend he doesn't exist." He didn't want to, but he wasn't going to admit that to Dennis.
"He doesn't have to be," Dennis answered, rolling his eyes in that way that told Tommy he was getting impatient. "That's my whole point. We've been roommates forever, Dawkins. Just move back in with me and everything goes back to normal. Even Roberts has to let up if you're not living with him anymore."
And there was something about the way he said it that made Tommy nervous, like he was drowning and Dennis was throwing him a lifeline. All he had to do was grab on, he knew that, and it probably would go away eventually. He wouldn't be team captain or squadron leader anymore, but he'd be one of the guys again, and eventually they'd all forget about Merton and the way Tommy had stood up for him.
Only Tommy wouldn't forget, and he was betting Merton wouldn't either. They'd still see each other every single day, but Tommy wouldn't be able to talk to him. He wouldn't even be able to go to Merton for math help without starting even more rumors, and the thought of abandoning Merton like that made his stomach twist.
He knew it was the smart thing to do, knew that Dennis was offering to save him and that this was his only chance. He knew it was what his father wanted him to do, and for a second he actually thought about saying yes. It would be so easy to go back to the way things used to be before Merton showed up, to being the guy all his friends thought he was. Only none of them would ever trust him again, not really. Not when they all half believed the rumors Chuck was spreading, and the worst part was that they'd be right.
Tommy wasn't that guy. He knew that now, and even if he never did anything about it, he couldn't ever go back.
"Thanks," Tommy finally answered, drawing himself back to attention. "But I've already got a roommate."
For a second Dennis just looked at him like maybe he was waiting for Tommy to telling him he was just kidding. And there was a part of Tommy that wanted to, the part that just wanted all of this to go away so he wouldn't have to think about it anymore. But he knew that wasn't possible, and there was another part of him that didn't really want it to.
"Don't do this, Dawkins," Dennis said, and this time he didn't bother pretending he wasn't begging. "I'm offering you your life back here."
"Understood, sir," Tommy answered, staring straight ahead so he wouldn't have to look at Dennis. "But Dingle's part of the squad too, sir, and I can't turn my back on a fellow squad member. Especially one that never turned his back on me. Sir."
Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he'd regret it later, when the rest of the squadron was making both their lives hell. He probably could have saved them both by just taking Dennis' offer and moving out, after all. Then again, his so-called friends might have turned on Merton even worse, and Tommy wouldn't have been able to do anything to stop them. At least this way he could watch Merton's back, and he could count on Merton never to turn on him.
~
Tommy was quiet all through dinner. Not that they ever talked that much at meals, because the rest of their squadron still spent a lot of time watching them. Like they were going to start making out over their Salisbury Steak. Like there was any making out going on at all.
Not that Merton wanted there to be; he wasn't suicidal, after all, and other than that one time when Tommy went crazy for a second, he hadn't expressed any interest in Merton as anything other than a math tutor.
Okay, so maybe that wasn't fair. Tommy had gone pretty far out of his way to be Merton's friend, and Merton appreciated it. He wasn't that good at showing it, maybe, but he liked having one friendly face in this place. He was even starting to think that maybe they could be friends outside of this place, if they both lived long enough to see graduation. That was something he wasn't exactly counting on, though, because Krauss still glared every time he saw Merton, and Roberts just smiled that creepy smile that made Merton wonder what he was plotting.
The point was that there was nothing going on between them, no matter what everyone else believed. Still, they were friends, and usually Tommy was a little more talkative than this. So Merton was pretty sure there was something wrong, but he wasn't about to ask. Most of Tommy's problems were his fault, after all, and if football practice had been miserable or Tommy was still brooding about his father, Merton didn't want to remind him of the reason his life had been turned upside down.
Maybe that was selfish, but he liked having Tommy in his corner, and he was pretty sure that one of these days Tommy would wake up and realize he didn't owe Merton anything. Even Tommy's hero complex would only stretch so far, after all, and eventually it would dawn on him that all he had to do was cut Merton loose and he could have his life back. Only Merton had already given him the opportunity to do exactly that, and Tommy hadn't taken it, so maybe Merton wasn't giving him enough credit.
He was a pretty loyal guy, after all, and when they were alone it was easy to forget that they were only friends because…well, because they were sort of stuck with each other. Merton never really had a choice, anyway, and Tommy didn't have much of one once all his friends turned on him. Then again, if he'd just ignored Merton from the start Tommy would still have his other friends.
He still didn't understand why Tommy had made that choice, but every time he asked Tommy just spouted something about how squad members were supposed to look out for each other. As far as Merton could tell Tommy was the only one who followed that rule, but arguing with him about it never did any good. Only he was being quieter than usual tonight, and Merton was starting to think maybe Tommy had changed his mind about where his loyalties should lie.
Merton waited until they were safely back in their room, away from the hostile stares of the rest of the squadron. They both had at least two hours' worth of homework ahead of them, but Merton knew he wasn't going to be able to concentrate with Tommy brooding on his side of the room, so as soon as their door was closed he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his roommate. "Okay, out with it."
"What?" Tommy asked, and he sounded startled, like maybe he'd forgotten that Merton was there.
"Something's bothering you," Merton said, though he wasn't really sure he wanted to know what it was. "So you might as well tell me what it is."
"It's nothing," Tommy answered, turning away to shuffle through the books on his desk. His back was to Merton, but his shoulders were tense under his t-shirt and Merton could tell he was lying. He wasn't even a good liar, and Merton knew he should push it until Tommy told him the truth. That was what friends did, after all; at least that was what Lori always did when Merton didn't want to tell her something. Only Tommy wasn't Lori, and Merton really wasn't sure he wanted to hear whatever was bothering his roommate.
He was still trying to decide whether to push it or just let it go when Tommy glanced over at him, and when Merton saw his expression his heart sank. "Krauss wants me to move back in with him."
Merton should have seen it coming. He knew he should have seen it coming, especially after the way Krauss had cornered him the other day. It was pretty obvious then that he hadn't given up on Tommy completely, and getting Tommy to abandon Merton was more his style than cornering Merton and beating the shit out of him. That was Roberts' style, and Merton sort of figured that was what would happen eventually.
So he hadn't even considered the fact that Krauss had a room all to himself, and the best way for Tommy to save face would be to ditch Merton and go back to his old roommate. It was obvious now that he thought about it, though, just like it was obvious that Tommy had no idea what to do. And that was the whole problem with being loyal, because Tommy obviously wanted his old friends back, but he didn't want to abandon Merton.
Of course Tommy was going to take Krauss up on his offer. He wouldn't have bothered to mention it if he wasn't at least thinking about it, and Merton couldn't really blame him. Anybody else would have ditched him a long time ago, and the fact that Tommy wanted to be friends with a bunch of traitors and cowards was his own business. That didn't mean Merton had to like it, but he wasn't going to act like a baby about it either.
"Yeah? That's great, Tommy. I mean, I still think they're a bunch of assholes, but it'll be a lot easier on you that way."
"You think I should do it?" Tommy asked, and he sounded so surprised that Merton wanted to laugh.
"Sure, why not? I mean, it's not like you owe me anything. Besides, it's not like I'd have to move back in with Eckert. This way I get my own room."
He forced a laugh at his own lame joke, but Tommy didn't smile. He just kept staring like he'd never seen Merton before, and the longer he stood there the more nervous Merton got. Because it was pretty obvious Tommy wanted something from him, only Merton had no idea what. He'd assumed Tommy wanted permission to go back to his old life, for Merton to let him off the hook so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. But Merton had just given him that and he was still just standing there in the middle of the room, looking like he'd lost his best friend.
"Look, if you're waiting for me to help you pack you can forget it."
Tommy flinched at the words, but Merton told himself it was just guilt for thinking about bailing on him. And he deserved to feel guilty, especially after all the speeches he'd given Merton about loyalty and looking out for each other. But if this was what he wanted Merton wasn't going to stand in his way; he didn't need Tommy's friendship to survive, and pretty soon he'd even stop wanting it.
"So you want me to go."
This time Merton didn't bother holding back the urge to roll his eyes. He knew Tommy was looking for permission, but Merton wasn't about to engrave him an invitation. "That's why you told me, right? So I could give you my blessing and you wouldn't have to feel guilty?"
"No," Tommy answered. "I didn't...look, I don't want to go. That's the whole point."
And now he wasn't making any sense at all, but he wasn't leaving, either, and for some reason that made Merton even more nervous. Both their lives would be a lot less complicated if Tommy just packed up his stuff and went back to his old life; Merton would be alone, sure, but at least the rest of the squadron would stop accusing him of luring Tommy over to the dark side. Which he hadn't even done, not that anyone would believe him.
Except that Tommy was moving closer, fingers sort of curling and uncurling at his sides like he couldn't decide what to do with them, and suddenly Merton wasn't so sure that Tommy was just looking for Merton's permission to end their friendship.
"Then what…"
That was as far as he got before Tommy touched him, hand on his shoulder and it wasn't the first time Tommy had ever touched him, but it felt a lot different than the other times. Tommy looked nervous, but he looked determined too, and Merton couldn't help the shudder that rolled through him when Tommy leaned in and kissed him.
It happened so fast that at first Merton wasn't sure whether or not he'd imagined it, but he could feel Tommy's lips pressed against his and it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching up and pressing his fingers against his mouth.
"That's the problem," Tommy said, still standing way too close and oh, God, he was going to kiss Merton again. "I don't want to go."
Then he was kissing Merton again, harder this time and a little more confident, and before he could stop himself Merton reached up to slide a hand around the back of Tommy's neck. This was a huge problem - Tommy was right about that much - and Merton knew they should stop. They should stop and pack up Tommy's stuff as fast as they could without looking at each other, because the only way to make it through the rest of the year alive was to get as far away from each other as they could.
But Tommy was kissing him like he'd never heard of kissing until this moment, like he'd just been waiting for Merton to show up so his life could begin. His hand left Merton's shoulder to slide around his waist, pulling him close and just sort of…holding him, and Merton had no idea that something so dangerous could feel like the safest place in the world. And this was a bad idea, but their second kiss hadn't even ended yet and Merton already knew that there was no turning back.