Fic: seven faces (RPS, Kerr/Fehr, NC17)
In the interest of full disclosure, I will report that I finally got the results of my blood test. The lab mailed them to me (to which I say wtf, but that's a long story) so of course I didn't understand a single thing on them. The guy across the street happens to be an M.D., however, so my mom went over there and had them deciphered. Apparently I have really healthy blood, so my mysterious lump is not an infection. They can't tell what it *is* from the blood tests, but they can tell what it isn't, so that's one option ruled out. Will report further news as it develops.
In other news, I wrote fic. It's been a long time since I wrote porn, so be kind. Also, I wrote this entire thing while listening to Interpol on repeat, and I feel it's beneficial for you to listen to Interpol while you read it. So here, have some music:
Interpol -- Evil
Interpol -- Public Pervert
Interpol -- C'Mere
Interpol -- Untitled
If you're only going to download one of these, make it the last one. It works best for this fic, I think, though really, Interpol always makes me think of this pairing.
Fic: seven faces
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Kerr Smith/Brendan Fehr
Rating: NC17
Summary: Life is full of disappointments.
Disclaimer: This is fiction. I have no idea what Kerr was up to in July of 2004.
A/N: In 2004 Brendan made a movie called Sugar. A few weeks after the film premiered on the indy circuit, the star, a young Canadian actor named Andre Noble, died after ingesting Monkshood sap while out on a daytrip with friends. This is tangentially related to that, with all due respect to the deceased. I hope that isn't completely tacky of me. This is for writingpathways, who has been waiting patiently.
Kerr calls three days after the story hits the news. It's not a big story, because Andre still lived in Canada and all he'd done was a couple independent films and a few TV spots. But he was still in the business, and when it comes right down to it, Hollywood's a small town. So Brendan's not surprised that Kerr heard about it, but he's a little surprised to hear Kerr on the other end of the phone.
"Hey."
"Hey," Brendan answers, doesn't bother pretending he doesn't know who it is because Kerr wouldn't buy it anyway. Not when he's heard that voice whispering in his ear, pleading and moaning and a whole lot of other noises that make him half-hard whenever he thinks about them.
"I heard about what happened," Kerr says, like it's big news. Like it's the story of the day, and Brendan should have been expecting his call. Like people just call out of nowhere after months of pretending they don't know each other just because some actor died. And maybe that's what normal people do; it's been a long time since either of them have been normal, and Brendan can't remember what it's like anymore. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Brendan answers automatically, because what else is he supposed to say? Sure, he knew the guy, but they only filmed one movie together. It wasn't like they were friends, they were just…coworkers. Sure, he was nice and all, but it was hard not to think of him as a kid even though Brendan knew Andre was only two years younger than he is. Still, it's weird, because Brendan knows him - knew him - and now he's dead.
He's been trying not to think about it, mostly because he's not sure how he's supposed to feel. Yeah, he feels bad about it, because Andre is - was - a good guy and it was a fucked up way to die. But it wasn't exactly a fun movie to film, and they didn't keep in touch after it was over.
Not like him and Kerr. If you can call what they did keeping in touch.
They don't even have that anymore, because he stopped running into Kerr awhile ago and if Kerr wants to avoid him Brendan's not going to go chasing after him. But when you're avoiding somebody you're not supposed to call and ask how they're doing, so maybe the rules change when somebody dies.
"Listen," he says before he gives himself a chance to change his mind, "you busy right now? You want to stop by for a drink or something?"
He knows he's pushing his luck. He knows Kerr's going to stutter out some lame excuse any second now and hang up the phone, then they'll go back to just being two WB rejects who made a couple lame horror movies together. But Kerr's the one who called him, and that had to count for something.
Still, he's expecting the tense silence on the other end of the line, and when Kerr clears his throat Brendan braces himself for the inevitable. But instead of a mumbled excuse Kerr says, "Yeah, okay. Give me an hour."
And okay, that's not what he was expecting. What he expected was for Kerr to hang up the phone as fast as he could and never call Brendan again. He still doesn't even know why Kerr called in the first place; it could be pity, but that's not really Kerr's style, so Brendan has a feeling it's something else.
"See you then," he says, then he hangs up the phone before Kerr can change his mind.
He's still trying to figure it out when the doorbell rings, and it hasn't been anywhere near an hour, but he's not going to point that out. Instead he pulls the door open and stands aside to let Kerr in, watches him walk by without being obvious about it and it looks like the same Kerr. There's nothing obviously different, anyway, and he's pretty sure Kerr's not drunk. So he came over because he wanted to, and that's something Brendan never would have predicted.
Instead of asking what Kerr's doing he shuts the front door, turns the lock and takes a few steps forward. "Thanks for coming over."
Kerr shrugs like it's no big deal - like this is something they do all the time, just hanging out at his house like a couple friends. Only they're not friends, not really. Brendan's not sure what they are, but he has a feeling putting a label on it will just make Kerr turn around and walk right out again, so he doesn't ask what Kerr's really doing standing in his hallway. Besides, he doesn't need to ask; he's known Kerr long enough to be able to read him, and there's only one possible explanation for what Kerr's doing here after all the time that's passed.
"You want a drink or something?" Brendan asks, but he's already moving forward and Kerr's not stopping him, so yeah, he's pretty sure he knows what Kerr wants. And the circumstances are…weird, but if this is what it takes, Brendan's not too proud to roll with it.
He'd thought this thing between them was over for good this time, thought Kerr had finally found a way to make a clean break and live his lie full time. And even though he knows how much harder it's going to be when Kerr changes his mind again and goes back to ignoring him, he can't bring himself to turn down what Kerr's offering. Even if it's just pity or some fucked up sense of loyalty, even if it's just tonight and tomorrow they go right back to the way things were, he'll take it. Because he's always been weak where Kerr's concerned, and this time is no different.
Kerr's shaking his head when Brendan's hand lands on his waist, but Brendan's already forgotten whatever question he's answering. As soon as he touches Kerr again he forgets what they were talking about, forgets what made Kerr call in the first place and forgets all the months of silence between them. Because Kerr hasn't changed at all; he still fits against Brendan like he was made for this, still makes that sound in his throat when Brendan presses a kiss to his neck and his hands still feel like fire on Brendan's skin when they push under his shirt.
And if he stopped to think about it he'd realize how fucked up it is that Kerr used Andre's death as an excuse to call, but he's not thinking right now. Not thinking about why Kerr's here or what it means, just like he's not thinking about what happens when it's over. All he's thinking about is getting them into his bedroom and out of their clothes at the same time, pushing Kerr down the hall as his fingers work open buttons and zippers and push fabric out of the way.
He's seen Kerr naked more times than he can count, plays the memories of all those times in his trailer over in his head when he's alone at night with no one to distract him. He's seen the way Kerr's skin flushes and he's seen that look in Kerr's eyes that means he can't resist this any more than Brendan can, no matter how much he wants to. And he really thought he was never going to see that look again, not after the last time when they just happened to be at the same studio for different auditions. He still remembers the way Kerr looked right through him even though everybody knows they've worked together - they costarred in a movie, for fuck's sake - and it's pretty stupid to pretend he's been so busy that he's forgotten who he's worked with in the past.
But that was when he knew it was over, didn't even try to change Kerr's mind because he wants this, but he's not that pathetic. It's not like he's in love or anything, there's just this thing between them that he can't shake. He thought Kerr could shake it, thought he finally figured out a way and even thought about calling to ask Kerr how so that he could let it go too.
The thought makes him laugh, hot against Kerr's neck because obviously Kerr hasn't figured out the magic trick to making it go away either. The sound makes Kerr tense against him and he pulls back, just enough to look Brendan in the eye. "What?"
"Nothing," Brendan answers, leans in to press their mouths together before Kerr can push for an answer. And if he's thinking about pushing he doesn't try very hard, because his hands slide down Brendan's shoulders and across his back to flex against his skin. Trying to pull him closer, which they both know isn't possible but it's been way too long and there's no way they can get close enough to make up for all that lost time.
He's willing to give it a try, though, and when he pushes Kerr backwards onto his bed Kerr doesn't complain. He stretches out on the mattress and watches as Brendan pulls his jeans off, dropping them on the floor before he pulls off the rest of his own clothes and heads for the bathroom. It only takes a few seconds to find the lube shoved in the back of a drawer and head back to the bedroom, but he spends the entire time telling himself he won't be disappointed if he gets back to find Kerr pulling his clothes back on again.
Because he knows from experience leaving Kerr alone with time to think is never a good idea. Kerr's way too intense for his own good; that's what makes him so irresistible, but it's also what makes Kerr think everything he does into the ground. So leaving him alone gives him time to change his mind, to realize this is exactly the thing he promised himself he wasn't going to do anymore and to take off before Brendan has a chance to remind him why they started doing it in the first place.
Only when he gets back to the bedroom Kerr's still there, still stretched out on the bed with his eyes closed and his skin flushed. He's got one hand wrapped around his cock and he's stroking slow, and Brendan has to bite back a groan at the sight. He's never seen Kerr looking so…relaxed, like for once in his life he's not thinking about his image or consequences or who might have spotted him pulling into Brendan's driveway. And that's just as weird as everything else Kerr's done so far, but Brendan's not going to complain.
Instead he drops the bottle of lube on the mattress and climbs onto the bed, knees planted between Kerr's legs and pushing his thighs apart. He leans forward for another kiss, taking his time because maybe Kerr's acting like he's not worried about consequences right now, but Brendan knows better than to think it'll last. He knows Kerr a lot better than Kerr would ever admit, knows this isn't some great romance like in those stupid teen movies he won't even look at the scripts for.
Real life isn't like that; real life is full of disappointments, of people who'd be perfect if it weren't for this one thing that won't quite go away. If it weren't for the fact that two guys fucking each other still isn't okay in Hollywood, even if both of them are fucking girls too. And it's not like he wants that from Kerr. He doesn't want to move in together and buy furniture or anything, but it would be nice if Kerr could be this relaxed every time they're together. It would be nice if Brendan could call him once in awhile without worrying that Kerr's going to freak out.
But he's not freaking out right now, and Brendan's never been one to pass up an opportunity. He runs one hand down the center of Kerr's chest, over his stomach to wrap around the hand still gripping Kerr's cock. Kerr moans against his mouth and presses up into his grip, hips moving under him and Brendan has to see. He straightens up enough to look down, cock twitching at the sight of Kerr panting and thrusting up against him, eyes open to watch Brendan watching him and that's new.
Kerr always keeps his eyes shut, hardly ever watches when Brendan's getting him off. Like if he doesn't let himself see it he can keep lying to himself, keep pretending it didn't really happen when he goes back to his boring life. Brendan's always thought that was what it took for Kerr to live with his dirty little secret, and he never minded. It was enough that Kerr couldn't stop himself from coming back for more, but now…now he knows what he's been missing all this time.
Because Kerr's watching, eyes dark and lips parted and Brendan's pretty sure he could get off just from the sight. Only he wants to fuck Kerr, wants it more than he'd ever admit even to himself. So he lets go of Kerr's cock and reaches for his own, rolls a condom on with slightly shaking fingers and reaches for the lube. And he can tell how bad Kerr really wants this when he lets go of his cock and bends his knees, legs even further apart and just…opening for Brendan. It's the hottest thing Brendan's seen in a long time, and he lets knows he's never going to last.
Yeah, this will definitely be over way too soon, he realizes as he slides inside Kerr, eyes closed tight to keep himself from coming before he even moves. When he opens his eyes again he realizes what a big mistake this is, because Kerr's still looking like he's expecting…something. Only Brendan doesn't know what, and if he'd made Kerr turn over at least he wouldn't have to see that look in Kerr's eyes. The one that makes him think things he shouldn't be thinking, want things that are never going to happen.
And Kerr's a bastard, because he knows exactly what he's doing and he does it anyway.
That doesn't stop Brendan from thrusting into him, hard and sure and surprising a grunt out of Kerr. His fingers dig into Kerr's hips to drag him close again, and he doesn't care if he leaves bruises that Kerr won't be able to explain when he goes home to his wife. Because this is something she can't give him, and as much as Brendan hates himself for it, he likes being able to give Kerr something he can't get from anyone else.
Or maybe he just doesn't want it from anyone else; there are plenty of other guys out there, after all, plenty of B list actors and crew and P.A.s who'd do Kerr in a heartbeat. Only Kerr can't trust any of them, and he knows he can trust Brendan. But it's more than that; Brendan can feel it, in the way Kerr thrusts up to meet him and the way his fingers curl in Brendan's hair when he leans in for another breathless kiss. They've got a connection, one that started way back on the set of Final Destination and as far as Brendan can tell, it isn't going anywhere.
And he hates himself a little more for wanting to hold onto it, for being grateful that Kerr finally came around after months of silence. That just makes him pathetic, but it gets him…this, Kerr pushing up against him and panting his name and clamping down hard around Brendan's cock as he comes. Kerr's fingers are coated with his own come and Brendan reaches down to lift his hand to his mouth, sucking each of Kerr's fingers clean as he thrusts slowly in and out of Kerr, taking his time because he has no clue what happens when this is over.
Maybe Kerr will get up and pull his clothes back on, kiss him one last time and make up some excuse about having to get home before he walks out on Brendan again. Maybe he'll stay for awhile, pass out in Brendan's bed and wake up nervous and jumpy and eager to get the hell out of here as fast as he can. It could go a lot of different ways, but all of them end with Kerr leaving, and that's the one thing Brendan can count on.
So he takes his time, holds off as long as possible before he finally buries himself deep inside Kerr and comes. He collapses on the body under him, panting and burying his face in Kerr's neck to breathe in his scent, just for a few seconds before Kerr pushes him off and starts making excuses.
Then Kerr does move, but instead of pushing Brendan away he reaches up to push a hand through his hair, turning his head until they're more or less face to face. And it's weird, because it's Kerr, and usually he's out of bed and pulling his narrow world view back into focus while he pulls on his clothes. But he's still just looking, like maybe he's expecting Brendan to say something. Only Brendan doesn't know what, and now he's really starting to wonder why Kerr called.
The silence stretches out and Brendan's starting to think that Kerr's going to fall asleep after all. It wouldn't be hard; the sound of their breathing makes a more or less steady beat, and he feels himself starting to drift off when Kerr shifts on the mattress next to him and starts talking.
"Did you guys…I mean before he died, were you…?"
He trails off without finishing, but he's still looking at Brendan and they both know what he's trying to ask. And Brendan should have known, should have seen this coming when Kerr called in the first place. Maybe he should even be pissed, but he's too busy being glad Kerr's jealous.
"Me and Andre? No."
"Not even when you were filming?" Kerr asks, and Brendan wonders if he watched the movie. Pictures Kerr asking his agent to get him an advance copy, then watching it alone in his living room with the shades drawn, telling himself the entire time he's just keeping up with an old friend's work while he watches Brendan making out with another guy. But it was just a movie, and what he and Andre did was in front of an entire crew and most of the cast. There wasn't anything all that hot about it, at least not as far as Brendan was concerned.
"No." And it just figures this is what it would take; Kerr can ignore him all he wants as long as he thinks Brendan's somewhere pining for him, but as soon as he thinks there's someone else in the picture he gets possessive. Jealous of a dead guy, and it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
But his hands are moving on Brendan's skin again, fingers tracing the lines of his chest like he's trying to mark Brendan somehow, maybe convince himself that he hasn't fucked things up beyond repair. Or maybe he's trying to reassure himself that Brendan's still his, that he can still just show up whenever he feels like it and Brendan will drop whatever he's doing.
"So you're okay," Kerr says, like he's trying to convince himself this time, and as twisted as it is, Brendan's sort of enjoying the fact that he was worried.
"Yeah," he answers, and most of the time he's pretty sure that's true. "I mean he was a good guy, so it sucks that it had to happen. It's kind of weird, I guess. I just saw him a few weeks ago."
For a few seconds he sort of wishes he'd lied, that he'd let Kerr believe there was something between him and Andre. He has a feeling Andre wouldn't mind, especially now. But Kerr's already looking pretty worried even without the lie, like maybe he's going to need a little more convincing before he's ready to go home. That Brendan can give him, and when he pulls Kerr in for another kiss Kerr doesn't even hesitate.
Anyway, he's here, and that's all Brendan ever wanted from him.
In other news, I wrote fic. It's been a long time since I wrote porn, so be kind. Also, I wrote this entire thing while listening to Interpol on repeat, and I feel it's beneficial for you to listen to Interpol while you read it. So here, have some music:
Interpol -- Evil
Interpol -- Public Pervert
Interpol -- C'Mere
Interpol -- Untitled
If you're only going to download one of these, make it the last one. It works best for this fic, I think, though really, Interpol always makes me think of this pairing.
Fic: seven faces
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Kerr Smith/Brendan Fehr
Rating: NC17
Summary: Life is full of disappointments.
Disclaimer: This is fiction. I have no idea what Kerr was up to in July of 2004.
A/N: In 2004 Brendan made a movie called Sugar. A few weeks after the film premiered on the indy circuit, the star, a young Canadian actor named Andre Noble, died after ingesting Monkshood sap while out on a daytrip with friends. This is tangentially related to that, with all due respect to the deceased. I hope that isn't completely tacky of me. This is for writingpathways, who has been waiting patiently.
Kerr calls three days after the story hits the news. It's not a big story, because Andre still lived in Canada and all he'd done was a couple independent films and a few TV spots. But he was still in the business, and when it comes right down to it, Hollywood's a small town. So Brendan's not surprised that Kerr heard about it, but he's a little surprised to hear Kerr on the other end of the phone.
"Hey."
"Hey," Brendan answers, doesn't bother pretending he doesn't know who it is because Kerr wouldn't buy it anyway. Not when he's heard that voice whispering in his ear, pleading and moaning and a whole lot of other noises that make him half-hard whenever he thinks about them.
"I heard about what happened," Kerr says, like it's big news. Like it's the story of the day, and Brendan should have been expecting his call. Like people just call out of nowhere after months of pretending they don't know each other just because some actor died. And maybe that's what normal people do; it's been a long time since either of them have been normal, and Brendan can't remember what it's like anymore. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Brendan answers automatically, because what else is he supposed to say? Sure, he knew the guy, but they only filmed one movie together. It wasn't like they were friends, they were just…coworkers. Sure, he was nice and all, but it was hard not to think of him as a kid even though Brendan knew Andre was only two years younger than he is. Still, it's weird, because Brendan knows him - knew him - and now he's dead.
He's been trying not to think about it, mostly because he's not sure how he's supposed to feel. Yeah, he feels bad about it, because Andre is - was - a good guy and it was a fucked up way to die. But it wasn't exactly a fun movie to film, and they didn't keep in touch after it was over.
Not like him and Kerr. If you can call what they did keeping in touch.
They don't even have that anymore, because he stopped running into Kerr awhile ago and if Kerr wants to avoid him Brendan's not going to go chasing after him. But when you're avoiding somebody you're not supposed to call and ask how they're doing, so maybe the rules change when somebody dies.
"Listen," he says before he gives himself a chance to change his mind, "you busy right now? You want to stop by for a drink or something?"
He knows he's pushing his luck. He knows Kerr's going to stutter out some lame excuse any second now and hang up the phone, then they'll go back to just being two WB rejects who made a couple lame horror movies together. But Kerr's the one who called him, and that had to count for something.
Still, he's expecting the tense silence on the other end of the line, and when Kerr clears his throat Brendan braces himself for the inevitable. But instead of a mumbled excuse Kerr says, "Yeah, okay. Give me an hour."
And okay, that's not what he was expecting. What he expected was for Kerr to hang up the phone as fast as he could and never call Brendan again. He still doesn't even know why Kerr called in the first place; it could be pity, but that's not really Kerr's style, so Brendan has a feeling it's something else.
"See you then," he says, then he hangs up the phone before Kerr can change his mind.
He's still trying to figure it out when the doorbell rings, and it hasn't been anywhere near an hour, but he's not going to point that out. Instead he pulls the door open and stands aside to let Kerr in, watches him walk by without being obvious about it and it looks like the same Kerr. There's nothing obviously different, anyway, and he's pretty sure Kerr's not drunk. So he came over because he wanted to, and that's something Brendan never would have predicted.
Instead of asking what Kerr's doing he shuts the front door, turns the lock and takes a few steps forward. "Thanks for coming over."
Kerr shrugs like it's no big deal - like this is something they do all the time, just hanging out at his house like a couple friends. Only they're not friends, not really. Brendan's not sure what they are, but he has a feeling putting a label on it will just make Kerr turn around and walk right out again, so he doesn't ask what Kerr's really doing standing in his hallway. Besides, he doesn't need to ask; he's known Kerr long enough to be able to read him, and there's only one possible explanation for what Kerr's doing here after all the time that's passed.
"You want a drink or something?" Brendan asks, but he's already moving forward and Kerr's not stopping him, so yeah, he's pretty sure he knows what Kerr wants. And the circumstances are…weird, but if this is what it takes, Brendan's not too proud to roll with it.
He'd thought this thing between them was over for good this time, thought Kerr had finally found a way to make a clean break and live his lie full time. And even though he knows how much harder it's going to be when Kerr changes his mind again and goes back to ignoring him, he can't bring himself to turn down what Kerr's offering. Even if it's just pity or some fucked up sense of loyalty, even if it's just tonight and tomorrow they go right back to the way things were, he'll take it. Because he's always been weak where Kerr's concerned, and this time is no different.
Kerr's shaking his head when Brendan's hand lands on his waist, but Brendan's already forgotten whatever question he's answering. As soon as he touches Kerr again he forgets what they were talking about, forgets what made Kerr call in the first place and forgets all the months of silence between them. Because Kerr hasn't changed at all; he still fits against Brendan like he was made for this, still makes that sound in his throat when Brendan presses a kiss to his neck and his hands still feel like fire on Brendan's skin when they push under his shirt.
And if he stopped to think about it he'd realize how fucked up it is that Kerr used Andre's death as an excuse to call, but he's not thinking right now. Not thinking about why Kerr's here or what it means, just like he's not thinking about what happens when it's over. All he's thinking about is getting them into his bedroom and out of their clothes at the same time, pushing Kerr down the hall as his fingers work open buttons and zippers and push fabric out of the way.
He's seen Kerr naked more times than he can count, plays the memories of all those times in his trailer over in his head when he's alone at night with no one to distract him. He's seen the way Kerr's skin flushes and he's seen that look in Kerr's eyes that means he can't resist this any more than Brendan can, no matter how much he wants to. And he really thought he was never going to see that look again, not after the last time when they just happened to be at the same studio for different auditions. He still remembers the way Kerr looked right through him even though everybody knows they've worked together - they costarred in a movie, for fuck's sake - and it's pretty stupid to pretend he's been so busy that he's forgotten who he's worked with in the past.
But that was when he knew it was over, didn't even try to change Kerr's mind because he wants this, but he's not that pathetic. It's not like he's in love or anything, there's just this thing between them that he can't shake. He thought Kerr could shake it, thought he finally figured out a way and even thought about calling to ask Kerr how so that he could let it go too.
The thought makes him laugh, hot against Kerr's neck because obviously Kerr hasn't figured out the magic trick to making it go away either. The sound makes Kerr tense against him and he pulls back, just enough to look Brendan in the eye. "What?"
"Nothing," Brendan answers, leans in to press their mouths together before Kerr can push for an answer. And if he's thinking about pushing he doesn't try very hard, because his hands slide down Brendan's shoulders and across his back to flex against his skin. Trying to pull him closer, which they both know isn't possible but it's been way too long and there's no way they can get close enough to make up for all that lost time.
He's willing to give it a try, though, and when he pushes Kerr backwards onto his bed Kerr doesn't complain. He stretches out on the mattress and watches as Brendan pulls his jeans off, dropping them on the floor before he pulls off the rest of his own clothes and heads for the bathroom. It only takes a few seconds to find the lube shoved in the back of a drawer and head back to the bedroom, but he spends the entire time telling himself he won't be disappointed if he gets back to find Kerr pulling his clothes back on again.
Because he knows from experience leaving Kerr alone with time to think is never a good idea. Kerr's way too intense for his own good; that's what makes him so irresistible, but it's also what makes Kerr think everything he does into the ground. So leaving him alone gives him time to change his mind, to realize this is exactly the thing he promised himself he wasn't going to do anymore and to take off before Brendan has a chance to remind him why they started doing it in the first place.
Only when he gets back to the bedroom Kerr's still there, still stretched out on the bed with his eyes closed and his skin flushed. He's got one hand wrapped around his cock and he's stroking slow, and Brendan has to bite back a groan at the sight. He's never seen Kerr looking so…relaxed, like for once in his life he's not thinking about his image or consequences or who might have spotted him pulling into Brendan's driveway. And that's just as weird as everything else Kerr's done so far, but Brendan's not going to complain.
Instead he drops the bottle of lube on the mattress and climbs onto the bed, knees planted between Kerr's legs and pushing his thighs apart. He leans forward for another kiss, taking his time because maybe Kerr's acting like he's not worried about consequences right now, but Brendan knows better than to think it'll last. He knows Kerr a lot better than Kerr would ever admit, knows this isn't some great romance like in those stupid teen movies he won't even look at the scripts for.
Real life isn't like that; real life is full of disappointments, of people who'd be perfect if it weren't for this one thing that won't quite go away. If it weren't for the fact that two guys fucking each other still isn't okay in Hollywood, even if both of them are fucking girls too. And it's not like he wants that from Kerr. He doesn't want to move in together and buy furniture or anything, but it would be nice if Kerr could be this relaxed every time they're together. It would be nice if Brendan could call him once in awhile without worrying that Kerr's going to freak out.
But he's not freaking out right now, and Brendan's never been one to pass up an opportunity. He runs one hand down the center of Kerr's chest, over his stomach to wrap around the hand still gripping Kerr's cock. Kerr moans against his mouth and presses up into his grip, hips moving under him and Brendan has to see. He straightens up enough to look down, cock twitching at the sight of Kerr panting and thrusting up against him, eyes open to watch Brendan watching him and that's new.
Kerr always keeps his eyes shut, hardly ever watches when Brendan's getting him off. Like if he doesn't let himself see it he can keep lying to himself, keep pretending it didn't really happen when he goes back to his boring life. Brendan's always thought that was what it took for Kerr to live with his dirty little secret, and he never minded. It was enough that Kerr couldn't stop himself from coming back for more, but now…now he knows what he's been missing all this time.
Because Kerr's watching, eyes dark and lips parted and Brendan's pretty sure he could get off just from the sight. Only he wants to fuck Kerr, wants it more than he'd ever admit even to himself. So he lets go of Kerr's cock and reaches for his own, rolls a condom on with slightly shaking fingers and reaches for the lube. And he can tell how bad Kerr really wants this when he lets go of his cock and bends his knees, legs even further apart and just…opening for Brendan. It's the hottest thing Brendan's seen in a long time, and he lets knows he's never going to last.
Yeah, this will definitely be over way too soon, he realizes as he slides inside Kerr, eyes closed tight to keep himself from coming before he even moves. When he opens his eyes again he realizes what a big mistake this is, because Kerr's still looking like he's expecting…something. Only Brendan doesn't know what, and if he'd made Kerr turn over at least he wouldn't have to see that look in Kerr's eyes. The one that makes him think things he shouldn't be thinking, want things that are never going to happen.
And Kerr's a bastard, because he knows exactly what he's doing and he does it anyway.
That doesn't stop Brendan from thrusting into him, hard and sure and surprising a grunt out of Kerr. His fingers dig into Kerr's hips to drag him close again, and he doesn't care if he leaves bruises that Kerr won't be able to explain when he goes home to his wife. Because this is something she can't give him, and as much as Brendan hates himself for it, he likes being able to give Kerr something he can't get from anyone else.
Or maybe he just doesn't want it from anyone else; there are plenty of other guys out there, after all, plenty of B list actors and crew and P.A.s who'd do Kerr in a heartbeat. Only Kerr can't trust any of them, and he knows he can trust Brendan. But it's more than that; Brendan can feel it, in the way Kerr thrusts up to meet him and the way his fingers curl in Brendan's hair when he leans in for another breathless kiss. They've got a connection, one that started way back on the set of Final Destination and as far as Brendan can tell, it isn't going anywhere.
And he hates himself a little more for wanting to hold onto it, for being grateful that Kerr finally came around after months of silence. That just makes him pathetic, but it gets him…this, Kerr pushing up against him and panting his name and clamping down hard around Brendan's cock as he comes. Kerr's fingers are coated with his own come and Brendan reaches down to lift his hand to his mouth, sucking each of Kerr's fingers clean as he thrusts slowly in and out of Kerr, taking his time because he has no clue what happens when this is over.
Maybe Kerr will get up and pull his clothes back on, kiss him one last time and make up some excuse about having to get home before he walks out on Brendan again. Maybe he'll stay for awhile, pass out in Brendan's bed and wake up nervous and jumpy and eager to get the hell out of here as fast as he can. It could go a lot of different ways, but all of them end with Kerr leaving, and that's the one thing Brendan can count on.
So he takes his time, holds off as long as possible before he finally buries himself deep inside Kerr and comes. He collapses on the body under him, panting and burying his face in Kerr's neck to breathe in his scent, just for a few seconds before Kerr pushes him off and starts making excuses.
Then Kerr does move, but instead of pushing Brendan away he reaches up to push a hand through his hair, turning his head until they're more or less face to face. And it's weird, because it's Kerr, and usually he's out of bed and pulling his narrow world view back into focus while he pulls on his clothes. But he's still just looking, like maybe he's expecting Brendan to say something. Only Brendan doesn't know what, and now he's really starting to wonder why Kerr called.
The silence stretches out and Brendan's starting to think that Kerr's going to fall asleep after all. It wouldn't be hard; the sound of their breathing makes a more or less steady beat, and he feels himself starting to drift off when Kerr shifts on the mattress next to him and starts talking.
"Did you guys…I mean before he died, were you…?"
He trails off without finishing, but he's still looking at Brendan and they both know what he's trying to ask. And Brendan should have known, should have seen this coming when Kerr called in the first place. Maybe he should even be pissed, but he's too busy being glad Kerr's jealous.
"Me and Andre? No."
"Not even when you were filming?" Kerr asks, and Brendan wonders if he watched the movie. Pictures Kerr asking his agent to get him an advance copy, then watching it alone in his living room with the shades drawn, telling himself the entire time he's just keeping up with an old friend's work while he watches Brendan making out with another guy. But it was just a movie, and what he and Andre did was in front of an entire crew and most of the cast. There wasn't anything all that hot about it, at least not as far as Brendan was concerned.
"No." And it just figures this is what it would take; Kerr can ignore him all he wants as long as he thinks Brendan's somewhere pining for him, but as soon as he thinks there's someone else in the picture he gets possessive. Jealous of a dead guy, and it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
But his hands are moving on Brendan's skin again, fingers tracing the lines of his chest like he's trying to mark Brendan somehow, maybe convince himself that he hasn't fucked things up beyond repair. Or maybe he's trying to reassure himself that Brendan's still his, that he can still just show up whenever he feels like it and Brendan will drop whatever he's doing.
"So you're okay," Kerr says, like he's trying to convince himself this time, and as twisted as it is, Brendan's sort of enjoying the fact that he was worried.
"Yeah," he answers, and most of the time he's pretty sure that's true. "I mean he was a good guy, so it sucks that it had to happen. It's kind of weird, I guess. I just saw him a few weeks ago."
For a few seconds he sort of wishes he'd lied, that he'd let Kerr believe there was something between him and Andre. He has a feeling Andre wouldn't mind, especially now. But Kerr's already looking pretty worried even without the lie, like maybe he's going to need a little more convincing before he's ready to go home. That Brendan can give him, and when he pulls Kerr in for another kiss Kerr doesn't even hesitate.
Anyway, he's here, and that's all Brendan ever wanted from him.