Fic: All the Way To Paris 25/29 (CSI, Nick/Greg, NC17)
The site redesign is not going well. I hate it when I get an idea in my head and I can't get it to look exactly the way I want it on the screen. Which, let's face it, is generally the case, as I am in no way a graphics expert. So I am avoiding Paintshop by writing, which I guess is a win-win situation, depending on how you look at it. For me it's good because I need to get some of these writing projects done, and for everyone else...well, some of you might want something to read on this very chilly Saturday.
I have big plans to be as anti-social as humanly possible all weekend so I can write lots while I'm feeling inspired, and also watch some of the new-to-me horror movies I've recently acquired on DVD. To that end, part 25 of the angst fic. I've also got big plans to write some post-"Butterflied" Denial!Fic, and Speed's been murmuring in my ear all morning about various and sundry Tyler-related things. Also, Martin's around here somewhere, moping, so maybe he'll make an appearance too. Or maybe I'll just go gorge myself on bad horror until my brain rots right out of my head.
I'm not giving up. The words had been playing over and over in his head since Nick said them, that low, determined voice whispering in his ear even after Nick was gone. He knew Nick meant it -- there was no doubt about that, just like there was no doubt in his mind that it wouldn't work. It couldn't, because they'd spent almost four days together and they hadn't come up with a solution to their biggest problem.
He knew Nick wanted to stay together, but as far as Nick was concerned that meant Greg giving in and moving back to Vegas. And he could keep saying he believed Greg when he said he wasn't going to change his mind, but they both knew it was a lie. Nick was just waiting him out, waiting for Greg to give in and turn his whole life on end again just to make Nick happy.
There was a part of him that wanted to give in. It made sense -- they'd met in Vegas, Nick's career was there and Greg could find another job if he went back. There was always the University of Nevada, and once or twice when things were slow at work he'd caught himself surfing the job openings on the UNLV web site. As soon as he realized what he was doing he made himself stop, reminded himself of all the reasons he'd moved back to California and why it was a bad idea to go running back to Nick.
It was flattering, knowing how much Nick wanted him, and when he kissed Greg and said 'I love you' it was hard to remember why he wasn't giving in. Even harder was stopping himself from asking Nick to stay when they got to the airport, telling him to forget Vegas and his job and stay with Greg. If they could make it work they could make it work anywhere, but he knew the answer he'd get if he asked. And maybe that made him a coward, but he didn't want to hear Nick say no. He didn't want to hear the lame excuses about Nick's career or the promotion he'd put in for, he didn't want to listen to Nick call Vegas 'home' or try to justify why his job was more important than Greg.
And that was what it came down to in the end -- he'd be giving Nick a choice, and he knew exactly what Nick would choose. Love...love was one thing, but Nick had put his career first since the moment Greg met him, and he knew that wasn't going to change because of him. He could have said 'I love you' and 'don't leave' and a hundred other things that would have left him feeling needy and pathetic, but in the end Nick would have left anyway, and Greg would have regretted every single word.
So he'd kept his mouth shut and let Nick kiss him goodbye, and he hadn't gone after Nick when he got out of Greg's car and walked into the airport. He'd even managed to smile and wave when Nick stopped to look back at him, and if it looked like maybe Nick was waiting for Greg to stop him, it only lasted a second before Nick turned and walked away. By the time he was back on the highway he'd almost managed to convince himself he'd imagined it, and by the time he was back in his apartment he knew what he had to do.
It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what either of them wanted; he knew exactly how Nick was going to react, and just the thought of never touching Nick again was almost enough to make him change his mind. If he just hung in there for a little while, just pretended he really believed they could make a long-distance relationship work...but all that would buy him was a little more time, another weekend or two of Nick in his bed and every time Nick went home they'd be right back where they started from.
And maybe if he'd never left Vegas casual sex with Nick would have been enough, but he wasn't in Vegas anymore and the two weekends they'd spent together so far were way more intense than he'd ever expected. He'd never expected Nick Stokes to fall in love with him, though, no more than he'd expected to fall in love with Nick.
So it was better this way, because making a clean break now meant they could both go back to their lives without any unrealistic expectations for some future that was never going to happen. He believed that -- mostly -- but his heart was still in his throat as he waited for the phone to ring, and when it finally did he had to force himself to pick up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hey."
He could hear the smile in Nick's voice, sending warmth straight to the pit of his stomach and God, he was never going to be able to do this. Only he had to, because he knew Nick wouldn't. "Hey. How was your flight?"
"Beats me," Nick answered, his voice low and intimate in Greg's ear, and if he closed his eyes he knew he'd be able to feel Nick's breath on his skin. "I slept through pretty much the whole thing."
It was strange how easily he could picture Nick on the other end of the line, his bag probably still sitting just inside his front door and his shirt wrinkled from sleeping on the plane. He knew Nick better than he ever thought he would -- better than he wanted to, because it made starting this conversation a lot harder than it should be. All he had to do was tell Nick it was over, that he'd thought about it and it wasn't going to work, and that would be it. He knew Nick would be mad, but eventually he'd get over it and when he did, he'd see that Greg was right.
"You're working tonight?" he said instead, rolling his eyes at himself at the stupid question. He already knew Nick was working tonight -- if he wasn't on tonight he wouldn't have left L.A. until Tuesday.
"Yeah," Nick answered, "but I've got a couple hours before I have to be at the lab. Enough time for a shower and maybe a quick nap."
And picturing Nick asleep in his own bed wasn't helping at all, especially when Greg knew exactly why Nick was so tired. He could still feel it in his own stiff muscles, still remember the glide of Nick's hands on his skin and his mouth pressed hard against Greg's. It would be a long time before he forgot any of it, but wanting Nick didn't change the fact that they didn't have a future.
"Look, Nick," he said, forcing the words out before he had a chance to change his mind. He needed to do this now, because if he let it go -- if he told himself Nick needed to get some rest and put it off until later -- the chances were he'd never do it at all. "We need to talk."
He could almost see Nick tense on the other end of the line, the sharp, barely audible intake of breath and the sudden change in Nick's voice telling him everything he needed to know. "About what?"
"About this. Us. Whatever we're doing."
"I thought we already settled all that," Nick said, defensive now, and Greg swallowed the swell of guilt. But Nick wasn't stupid, and no matter how good he was at denial he had to know this was coming eventually.
"We didn't settle anything," Greg answered, fighting to keep the exasperation from creeping into his voice. He knew it would just start an argument, and he wanted to get this out before they started yelling at each other. "Come on, Nick, you know this can't work."
"What are you talking about? Just a few hours ago you seemed to think it could work just fine."
"Yeah, well, I've had some time to think about it."
"Four hours. I've been gone four hours and you decided our whole relationship is a wash? Do I even get a say in this?"
And now he wasn't even trying to stay calm, because Nick was already angry and part of Greg resented having to be the one to be realistic about the situation. "Jesus, Nick, what do you want me to do? Wait around until you get tired of using all your vacation time to come out here? You're still expecting me to change my mind and go running back to Vegas."
"You're right." Nick had never been any good at hiding his emotions, and Greg could hear all the anger and confusion in his voice. He didn't want to listen anymore -- he didn't want to hear it and know he'd put that hurt there. He didn't want any of this, not the memories or the knowledge of what could have been if he'd just stayed in Vegas a few more months. "You're right, I want you back here. Can you blame me? You haven't given me one good reason why you won't think about it. I love you, G, and I know you love me too. So what's the problem?"
The problem was that Nick kept saying he was willing to do anything, but never once had he even considered giving up his job to be with Greg. It was a lot to ask, but Nick had been asking him to do the exact same thing for months, and he didn't seem to think it was too much to hope for. Greg couldn't bring himself to say any of that to Nick, though, because if he did and Nick agreed he'd never know if Nick was there because he wanted to be or if he'd just felt like he owed it to Greg.
He wanted too much -- he wanted everything Nick wanted and more, and he was terrified to ask for any of it because he already knew what the answer would be.
"Look," he said, working hard to keep his voice even, "we had a good time and we both got what we wanted. So let's just...save ourselves the complications."
"The complications." Nick laughed, bitter and mirthless and Greg swallowed a fresh rush of regret. "Maybe you got what you wanted, but I sure as hell didn't. What the hell have we been doing here?"
"Getting it out of our systems." And he'd expected this to be hard, but he'd never expected it to physically hurt to say the words. "Look, Nick, I'm sorry..."
"Don't," Nick interrupted, his voice thicker now and colder than Greg had ever heard it. "Don't try to pretend this was just sex because you're too much of a coward to deal with it."
"I'm not a coward," Greg shot back, anger flaring up to edge out the guilt that had settled heavy in his chest. "I'm trying to be realistic here."
"You keep telling yourself that, G. Maybe someday you'll even believe it."
A second later the line clicked and Greg's heart plummeted into his stomach. He wasn't surprised that Nick hung up on him -- it was a lot better than some of the endings he'd dreamed up to this particular conversation. It was over, and that was the important thing, because it didn't matter what Nick wanted or even what he wanted. The point was that they wanted the same thing, but they wanted it on different terms, and he couldn't just ignore it and pretend it would all work itself out eventually. Maybe Nick could live that way, but Greg didn't even want to try.
I have big plans to be as anti-social as humanly possible all weekend so I can write lots while I'm feeling inspired, and also watch some of the new-to-me horror movies I've recently acquired on DVD. To that end, part 25 of the angst fic. I've also got big plans to write some post-"Butterflied" Denial!Fic, and Speed's been murmuring in my ear all morning about various and sundry Tyler-related things. Also, Martin's around here somewhere, moping, so maybe he'll make an appearance too. Or maybe I'll just go gorge myself on bad horror until my brain rots right out of my head.
I'm not giving up. The words had been playing over and over in his head since Nick said them, that low, determined voice whispering in his ear even after Nick was gone. He knew Nick meant it -- there was no doubt about that, just like there was no doubt in his mind that it wouldn't work. It couldn't, because they'd spent almost four days together and they hadn't come up with a solution to their biggest problem.
He knew Nick wanted to stay together, but as far as Nick was concerned that meant Greg giving in and moving back to Vegas. And he could keep saying he believed Greg when he said he wasn't going to change his mind, but they both knew it was a lie. Nick was just waiting him out, waiting for Greg to give in and turn his whole life on end again just to make Nick happy.
There was a part of him that wanted to give in. It made sense -- they'd met in Vegas, Nick's career was there and Greg could find another job if he went back. There was always the University of Nevada, and once or twice when things were slow at work he'd caught himself surfing the job openings on the UNLV web site. As soon as he realized what he was doing he made himself stop, reminded himself of all the reasons he'd moved back to California and why it was a bad idea to go running back to Nick.
It was flattering, knowing how much Nick wanted him, and when he kissed Greg and said 'I love you' it was hard to remember why he wasn't giving in. Even harder was stopping himself from asking Nick to stay when they got to the airport, telling him to forget Vegas and his job and stay with Greg. If they could make it work they could make it work anywhere, but he knew the answer he'd get if he asked. And maybe that made him a coward, but he didn't want to hear Nick say no. He didn't want to hear the lame excuses about Nick's career or the promotion he'd put in for, he didn't want to listen to Nick call Vegas 'home' or try to justify why his job was more important than Greg.
And that was what it came down to in the end -- he'd be giving Nick a choice, and he knew exactly what Nick would choose. Love...love was one thing, but Nick had put his career first since the moment Greg met him, and he knew that wasn't going to change because of him. He could have said 'I love you' and 'don't leave' and a hundred other things that would have left him feeling needy and pathetic, but in the end Nick would have left anyway, and Greg would have regretted every single word.
So he'd kept his mouth shut and let Nick kiss him goodbye, and he hadn't gone after Nick when he got out of Greg's car and walked into the airport. He'd even managed to smile and wave when Nick stopped to look back at him, and if it looked like maybe Nick was waiting for Greg to stop him, it only lasted a second before Nick turned and walked away. By the time he was back on the highway he'd almost managed to convince himself he'd imagined it, and by the time he was back in his apartment he knew what he had to do.
It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what either of them wanted; he knew exactly how Nick was going to react, and just the thought of never touching Nick again was almost enough to make him change his mind. If he just hung in there for a little while, just pretended he really believed they could make a long-distance relationship work...but all that would buy him was a little more time, another weekend or two of Nick in his bed and every time Nick went home they'd be right back where they started from.
And maybe if he'd never left Vegas casual sex with Nick would have been enough, but he wasn't in Vegas anymore and the two weekends they'd spent together so far were way more intense than he'd ever expected. He'd never expected Nick Stokes to fall in love with him, though, no more than he'd expected to fall in love with Nick.
So it was better this way, because making a clean break now meant they could both go back to their lives without any unrealistic expectations for some future that was never going to happen. He believed that -- mostly -- but his heart was still in his throat as he waited for the phone to ring, and when it finally did he had to force himself to pick up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hey."
He could hear the smile in Nick's voice, sending warmth straight to the pit of his stomach and God, he was never going to be able to do this. Only he had to, because he knew Nick wouldn't. "Hey. How was your flight?"
"Beats me," Nick answered, his voice low and intimate in Greg's ear, and if he closed his eyes he knew he'd be able to feel Nick's breath on his skin. "I slept through pretty much the whole thing."
It was strange how easily he could picture Nick on the other end of the line, his bag probably still sitting just inside his front door and his shirt wrinkled from sleeping on the plane. He knew Nick better than he ever thought he would -- better than he wanted to, because it made starting this conversation a lot harder than it should be. All he had to do was tell Nick it was over, that he'd thought about it and it wasn't going to work, and that would be it. He knew Nick would be mad, but eventually he'd get over it and when he did, he'd see that Greg was right.
"You're working tonight?" he said instead, rolling his eyes at himself at the stupid question. He already knew Nick was working tonight -- if he wasn't on tonight he wouldn't have left L.A. until Tuesday.
"Yeah," Nick answered, "but I've got a couple hours before I have to be at the lab. Enough time for a shower and maybe a quick nap."
And picturing Nick asleep in his own bed wasn't helping at all, especially when Greg knew exactly why Nick was so tired. He could still feel it in his own stiff muscles, still remember the glide of Nick's hands on his skin and his mouth pressed hard against Greg's. It would be a long time before he forgot any of it, but wanting Nick didn't change the fact that they didn't have a future.
"Look, Nick," he said, forcing the words out before he had a chance to change his mind. He needed to do this now, because if he let it go -- if he told himself Nick needed to get some rest and put it off until later -- the chances were he'd never do it at all. "We need to talk."
He could almost see Nick tense on the other end of the line, the sharp, barely audible intake of breath and the sudden change in Nick's voice telling him everything he needed to know. "About what?"
"About this. Us. Whatever we're doing."
"I thought we already settled all that," Nick said, defensive now, and Greg swallowed the swell of guilt. But Nick wasn't stupid, and no matter how good he was at denial he had to know this was coming eventually.
"We didn't settle anything," Greg answered, fighting to keep the exasperation from creeping into his voice. He knew it would just start an argument, and he wanted to get this out before they started yelling at each other. "Come on, Nick, you know this can't work."
"What are you talking about? Just a few hours ago you seemed to think it could work just fine."
"Yeah, well, I've had some time to think about it."
"Four hours. I've been gone four hours and you decided our whole relationship is a wash? Do I even get a say in this?"
And now he wasn't even trying to stay calm, because Nick was already angry and part of Greg resented having to be the one to be realistic about the situation. "Jesus, Nick, what do you want me to do? Wait around until you get tired of using all your vacation time to come out here? You're still expecting me to change my mind and go running back to Vegas."
"You're right." Nick had never been any good at hiding his emotions, and Greg could hear all the anger and confusion in his voice. He didn't want to listen anymore -- he didn't want to hear it and know he'd put that hurt there. He didn't want any of this, not the memories or the knowledge of what could have been if he'd just stayed in Vegas a few more months. "You're right, I want you back here. Can you blame me? You haven't given me one good reason why you won't think about it. I love you, G, and I know you love me too. So what's the problem?"
The problem was that Nick kept saying he was willing to do anything, but never once had he even considered giving up his job to be with Greg. It was a lot to ask, but Nick had been asking him to do the exact same thing for months, and he didn't seem to think it was too much to hope for. Greg couldn't bring himself to say any of that to Nick, though, because if he did and Nick agreed he'd never know if Nick was there because he wanted to be or if he'd just felt like he owed it to Greg.
He wanted too much -- he wanted everything Nick wanted and more, and he was terrified to ask for any of it because he already knew what the answer would be.
"Look," he said, working hard to keep his voice even, "we had a good time and we both got what we wanted. So let's just...save ourselves the complications."
"The complications." Nick laughed, bitter and mirthless and Greg swallowed a fresh rush of regret. "Maybe you got what you wanted, but I sure as hell didn't. What the hell have we been doing here?"
"Getting it out of our systems." And he'd expected this to be hard, but he'd never expected it to physically hurt to say the words. "Look, Nick, I'm sorry..."
"Don't," Nick interrupted, his voice thicker now and colder than Greg had ever heard it. "Don't try to pretend this was just sex because you're too much of a coward to deal with it."
"I'm not a coward," Greg shot back, anger flaring up to edge out the guilt that had settled heavy in his chest. "I'm trying to be realistic here."
"You keep telling yourself that, G. Maybe someday you'll even believe it."
A second later the line clicked and Greg's heart plummeted into his stomach. He wasn't surprised that Nick hung up on him -- it was a lot better than some of the endings he'd dreamed up to this particular conversation. It was over, and that was the important thing, because it didn't matter what Nick wanted or even what he wanted. The point was that they wanted the same thing, but they wanted it on different terms, and he couldn't just ignore it and pretend it would all work itself out eventually. Maybe Nick could live that way, but Greg didn't even want to try.