Fic: All the Way To Paris 23/29 (CSI, Nick/Greg, NC17)
I was going to write a post-ep for "Eleven Angry Jurors", but the story wasn't really working with me so I decided to forge ahead with the angst fic instead. I'd considered holding off and posting the last five parts of this thing all at once so that I wouldn't have to worry about reactions to the final parts and whether or not I was disappointing people's expectations, but then I did a little reworking of the outline yesterday and now it's seven parts (if I include the epilogue), so I decided to post the next part now.
The epilogue has been part of the plan since the beginning of this thing, and while on the one hand I like the idea of epilogues as a way to sort of finalize the story and do away with the possibility of a sequel, from a writing standpoint they tend to feel anticlimactic to me. So I suppose I'll have to wait and see how I feel when I get to that point, but at the moment I'm planning on writing it.
Anyway. Part 23. It's short, but if I don't end it now I'll be here all night.
His hands hadn't trembled once since Nick showed up, but now that they were sitting across from each other in a public place and Nick was looking at him with that intense, determined expression Greg felt like his whole body was shaking. He felt like he might fly apart just from the weight of Nick's gaze, even though he knew it wasn't physically possible. There was a first time for everything, after all, and if working at the crime lab had taught him anything, it was to expect the unexpected.
They'd managed to avoid the conversation Greg knew was coming for most of Saturday. They'd even managed to leave the apartment long enough for Greg to give Nick a tour of campus, and eventually they found themselves in a booth at the back of a diner not far from Greg's place. He knew they were going to have to talk -- that was the whole reason Nick had flown to California in the first place -- but he wasn't looking forward to it, and he'd been hoping to avoid it at least until tomorrow.
He waited until the waitress took their order and walked away, watching out of the corner of his eye until he was sure she was gone. "I think she likes you."
"Who?"
"The waitress, what's her name? Debbie? Donna?" And okay, they both knew he was just putting off the inevitable, but Nick couldn't blame him for trying. They still had another whole day together before Nick had to go back to Vegas, and as far as he was concerned conversation could wait.
"I wasn't listening," Nick answered. "Anyway, she's not my type."
"What's wrong with her?" Greg asked, glancing toward the front of the restaurant in time to catch her looking over at them. "Too short? Too blonde. It's not because she waits tables, is it?"
Nick laughed and reached across the table, catching Greg's hand and threading their fingers together. It wasn't the first time he'd ever touched Greg in front of other people -- there had been plenty of seemingly innocent touches when they were still working together, and then there was the whole making out in the airport parking lot thing. That had taken Greg by surprise; he'd always figured Nick for the private type, but holding hands in a public restaurant definitely wasn't discreet.
"She's not you, for one thing."
He was tempted to make a joke about Nick's hidden romantic side, but there was a part of him that worried if he made fun of it Nick would stop. He might even let go of Greg's hand, and even though he'd never admit it, he kind of liked the fact that Nick was willing to touch him in front of other people. It made him wonder if things would be different if they were still in Vegas. He'd never know for sure how they would have juggled work and a personal life if he'd stayed, but then again, if he'd stayed Nick might never have gotten around to doing anything about the way he felt.
"Look, G, there are some things I need to say."
And he'd known this was coming, but it still made his stomach clench to hear Nick say the words. He wasn't even sure what he was so nervous about; he knew what Nick was going to say, and he knew it wasn't going to change anything. If he thought it would work he'd cut Nick off, tell him he already knew and there was no point in saying it out loud. But this was the whole point of the weekend, so instead he just pulled his hand out of Nick's and nodded.
"I know you don't want to talk about going back to Vegas. I know..no, just hear me out," he said when Greg opened his mouth to interrupt. "I want this to work, and I think you do too. If we have to do this long-distance until you're ready I'll live with it. But you can't expect me to stop wanting you around."
"So you're just going to hang around and wait for me to decide I can't live without you." He hadn't really meant the words to come out like that, but he didn't want to take them back. It was the truth; Nick did expect him to change his mind and go running back to Vegas eventually, and the only real question was how long he was willing to wait.
"That's not what I meant," Nick answered, but they both knew it was. "I love you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
He'd expected hearing the words out loud to make him feel different somehow, but they didn't change anything. They were still stuck in an impossible situation, and unless Greg gave in and moved back to Vegas he didn't see how it was going to change.
"So I'm supposed to grovel to Grissom for my job just on the off chance things work out with us? What happens if they don't?" Guilt shot through him when Nick winced and looked away; he knew this wasn't how Nick had been expecting this conversation to go, and part of him wanted to take it all back. He wanted to forget about the logistics and just enjoy the fact that Nick loved him, but he knew that as soon as Nick was back in Vegas their problems would start all over again.
"Look," he said, reaching out to brush his fingers across Nick's knuckles, "I'm just saying 'what if'. You can't say for sure that you'll still want me around in a year."
When Greg touched him Nick looked at him again, his mouth set in a determined line and just for a second Greg wanted to agree to whatever Nick asked. "We've known each other for five years. I'm sure."
He wanted to believe it; it was easy when Nick looked so sure, so determined to convince Greg that this was what he wanted. But that didn't change the fact that it had taken Greg leaving town for Nick to do anything about the way he felt, and it didn't change the fact that Greg had just signed a lease and started living his life again.
"Look," Nick said when Greg didn't answer, "we don't have to decide anything now. I just wanted you to know that I'm not screwing around here."
Nick leaned back in the booth and smiled, but even though he was trying not to show it Greg caught the hint of worry in his expression. Guilt shot through him and he wished suddenly that he'd just said 'I love you too' and kept his mouth shut about the future, but it was too late for that now. He'd missed his moment, and now they were going to spend the rest of the weekend with this conversation hanging over them. He knew they'd both try to ignore it, to pretend nothing had changed and they were still working it out, but it would still be there between them.
Just a few months ago he would have given anything to hear Nick say he wanted Greg, let alone that he loved him. There was a time when he would have settled for casual, because he'd always assumed that was what Nick was about. Everybody at the lab always joked about Nick's commitment issues and Greg had never expected to be the exception to that rule. Now that he was...now that Nick was offering an actual commitment Greg wasn't sure he could believe it. He wasn't even sure he wanted it, because saying yes meant giving in and going back to a life he'd already left behind.
The epilogue has been part of the plan since the beginning of this thing, and while on the one hand I like the idea of epilogues as a way to sort of finalize the story and do away with the possibility of a sequel, from a writing standpoint they tend to feel anticlimactic to me. So I suppose I'll have to wait and see how I feel when I get to that point, but at the moment I'm planning on writing it.
Anyway. Part 23. It's short, but if I don't end it now I'll be here all night.
His hands hadn't trembled once since Nick showed up, but now that they were sitting across from each other in a public place and Nick was looking at him with that intense, determined expression Greg felt like his whole body was shaking. He felt like he might fly apart just from the weight of Nick's gaze, even though he knew it wasn't physically possible. There was a first time for everything, after all, and if working at the crime lab had taught him anything, it was to expect the unexpected.
They'd managed to avoid the conversation Greg knew was coming for most of Saturday. They'd even managed to leave the apartment long enough for Greg to give Nick a tour of campus, and eventually they found themselves in a booth at the back of a diner not far from Greg's place. He knew they were going to have to talk -- that was the whole reason Nick had flown to California in the first place -- but he wasn't looking forward to it, and he'd been hoping to avoid it at least until tomorrow.
He waited until the waitress took their order and walked away, watching out of the corner of his eye until he was sure she was gone. "I think she likes you."
"Who?"
"The waitress, what's her name? Debbie? Donna?" And okay, they both knew he was just putting off the inevitable, but Nick couldn't blame him for trying. They still had another whole day together before Nick had to go back to Vegas, and as far as he was concerned conversation could wait.
"I wasn't listening," Nick answered. "Anyway, she's not my type."
"What's wrong with her?" Greg asked, glancing toward the front of the restaurant in time to catch her looking over at them. "Too short? Too blonde. It's not because she waits tables, is it?"
Nick laughed and reached across the table, catching Greg's hand and threading their fingers together. It wasn't the first time he'd ever touched Greg in front of other people -- there had been plenty of seemingly innocent touches when they were still working together, and then there was the whole making out in the airport parking lot thing. That had taken Greg by surprise; he'd always figured Nick for the private type, but holding hands in a public restaurant definitely wasn't discreet.
"She's not you, for one thing."
He was tempted to make a joke about Nick's hidden romantic side, but there was a part of him that worried if he made fun of it Nick would stop. He might even let go of Greg's hand, and even though he'd never admit it, he kind of liked the fact that Nick was willing to touch him in front of other people. It made him wonder if things would be different if they were still in Vegas. He'd never know for sure how they would have juggled work and a personal life if he'd stayed, but then again, if he'd stayed Nick might never have gotten around to doing anything about the way he felt.
"Look, G, there are some things I need to say."
And he'd known this was coming, but it still made his stomach clench to hear Nick say the words. He wasn't even sure what he was so nervous about; he knew what Nick was going to say, and he knew it wasn't going to change anything. If he thought it would work he'd cut Nick off, tell him he already knew and there was no point in saying it out loud. But this was the whole point of the weekend, so instead he just pulled his hand out of Nick's and nodded.
"I know you don't want to talk about going back to Vegas. I know..no, just hear me out," he said when Greg opened his mouth to interrupt. "I want this to work, and I think you do too. If we have to do this long-distance until you're ready I'll live with it. But you can't expect me to stop wanting you around."
"So you're just going to hang around and wait for me to decide I can't live without you." He hadn't really meant the words to come out like that, but he didn't want to take them back. It was the truth; Nick did expect him to change his mind and go running back to Vegas eventually, and the only real question was how long he was willing to wait.
"That's not what I meant," Nick answered, but they both knew it was. "I love you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
He'd expected hearing the words out loud to make him feel different somehow, but they didn't change anything. They were still stuck in an impossible situation, and unless Greg gave in and moved back to Vegas he didn't see how it was going to change.
"So I'm supposed to grovel to Grissom for my job just on the off chance things work out with us? What happens if they don't?" Guilt shot through him when Nick winced and looked away; he knew this wasn't how Nick had been expecting this conversation to go, and part of him wanted to take it all back. He wanted to forget about the logistics and just enjoy the fact that Nick loved him, but he knew that as soon as Nick was back in Vegas their problems would start all over again.
"Look," he said, reaching out to brush his fingers across Nick's knuckles, "I'm just saying 'what if'. You can't say for sure that you'll still want me around in a year."
When Greg touched him Nick looked at him again, his mouth set in a determined line and just for a second Greg wanted to agree to whatever Nick asked. "We've known each other for five years. I'm sure."
He wanted to believe it; it was easy when Nick looked so sure, so determined to convince Greg that this was what he wanted. But that didn't change the fact that it had taken Greg leaving town for Nick to do anything about the way he felt, and it didn't change the fact that Greg had just signed a lease and started living his life again.
"Look," Nick said when Greg didn't answer, "we don't have to decide anything now. I just wanted you to know that I'm not screwing around here."
Nick leaned back in the booth and smiled, but even though he was trying not to show it Greg caught the hint of worry in his expression. Guilt shot through him and he wished suddenly that he'd just said 'I love you too' and kept his mouth shut about the future, but it was too late for that now. He'd missed his moment, and now they were going to spend the rest of the weekend with this conversation hanging over them. He knew they'd both try to ignore it, to pretend nothing had changed and they were still working it out, but it would still be there between them.
Just a few months ago he would have given anything to hear Nick say he wanted Greg, let alone that he loved him. There was a time when he would have settled for casual, because he'd always assumed that was what Nick was about. Everybody at the lab always joked about Nick's commitment issues and Greg had never expected to be the exception to that rule. Now that he was...now that Nick was offering an actual commitment Greg wasn't sure he could believe it. He wasn't even sure he wanted it, because saying yes meant giving in and going back to a life he'd already left behind.