WAT snippet

Nov 07, 2003 17:58

So I started this fic this morning. It was supposed to be a coda for "Our Sons and Daughters". It was going to be a series of short scenes, just three or four little snapshots, if you will, of Martin coming to grips with Ethan's death etc. Six hours later and the damn thing has spiraled right out of control. I'm not sure whether or not I want to continue it, because if I do it's going to be plotty and weird and...yeah. Totally having SCW flashbacks, and not in a good way. I have no clue what I'm doing, and no resolution in mind whatsoever. I should probably just blow it off and write the smut that writingpathways requested while I'm able to string words together.

But, as I'm an attention whore a glutton for punishment, I'm posting the first couple scenes from my ill-fated WaT fic just for the hell of it. Sometimes posting and discussing helps me figure out where to go with new fics, other times it helps me decide to bail on them entirely. So this one could go either way.

Oh, and spoilers galore for episode 2.06. You've been warned.


It didn't have to be this way. He's told himself that a hundred times -- a thousand times -- but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that it is this way, and there's nothing he can do to change it. There's nothing he ever could have done, not when Ethan was already dead before they even got involved in the case.

That's the worst part of all, that feeling of total helplessness. It's a feeling Martin's never gotten used to, and he's pretty sure he never will. Sometimes he thinks about asking one of the others if it ever gets any better, but part of him will always be afraid that they look at him and see the rookie they thought he was when he first joined the team, so he keeps his mouth shut and pretends he's fine. And most of the time he is -- most of the time he can leave the bad cases behind him after a day or two.

He hasn't been able to put this one behind him yet, but he tells himself it's only been a few days and he just needs a little more time. A little time to let the details fade, to remind himself that he's not those kids and he left his own teen angst behind him years ago. He's not Alex or Ethan or any of those sad, mixed up kids, the ones with no hope and nobody to give a damn where they go or what they're doing.

When he finds himself at the funeral he tells himself it's just because he needs closure, that he's not here out of some imagined connection to Ethan or Alex. He tells himself he'll just stay for the service and then leave, but he's not really surprised to find himself following the processional out of the funeral home parking lot and to the cemetery.

Alex wasn't at the service, but Martin's not surprised to see him at the cemetery. He doesn't think anyone else notices; Alex is too far away to hear the minister's words, and he's partly obscured behind an old oak tree at the edge of the lawn. Martin almost misses him, but he feels out of place and he's hanging back from the rest of the crowd, and he's standing at just the right angle to catch a glimpse of slight shoulders and dark hair.

He thinks about going over there, asking how he's doing and telling Alex this isn't his fault. Only they'd both know it's a lie, and that's something Alex is going to have to find a way to live with. Martin doesn't know the kid -- not really -- but something tells him Alex is going to have a hard time with that. He wants to do something, to find a way somehow to fix it so maybe the kid has a chance at some kind of a life, but he can no more fix Alex's life than he can bring Ethan back from the dead.

By the time he looks again Alex is gone, and he tells himself it's just as well. Sure, he signed on with Missing Persons so he could make a difference, but he can't save everyone. His father's told him that so many times he hears it in his sleep, and as much as he hates to admit it, part of him knows it's true. Still, Alex isn't missing, but he's definitely lost, and it kills Martin that there's nothing anyone can do to help him find himself.

He smiles to himself at his own maudlin sense of humor and ducks out of the burial before Ethan's parents can thank him for coming. He's not here for them, he's not even here for Ethan or Alex. He's here for himself, because he needs...something, only he's not sure what and when he climbs back into his rental car he knows he still hasn't found it.

~

It takes Martin most of the day to realize that Danny's casting more curious looks than usual in his direction, but he chalks up his lack of attention to the fact that his mind's still on Ethan's funeral. When he finally does notice he scowls, shooting a suspicious glare in Danny's direction.

"What?" he demands, his tone sharp and defensive and inappropriate enough that Danny actually flinches.

"You okay?" Danny asks, and instantly Martin feels guilty for snapping. Less than a second later he's furious with Danny again, for no other reason than because he can make Martin feel guilty over nothing.

"I'm fine," Martin answers, turning back to the backlog of paperwork he's been pretending to work on all morning. At first he was grateful that they hadn't gotten a new case right after Ethan, but now that he's got too much time on his hands to think he wishes he was out in the field doing something.

He feels Danny's frown from two desks away, and when Danny stands up and strolls over to him Martin has to force himself not to look up. The last thing he needs right now is to deal with Danny's attempts at being friendly; it's not that he doesn't want to be friends with Danny, but everything about Danny screams 'sex' and Martin can't think about that right now. He can't think about how much he's wanted Danny since the moment they met, even when Danny was being a complete asshole just because he could. His chances with Danny are about as good as his chances with Sam, and he really doesn't need another humiliation like the Sam fiasco under his belt.

"So how was your day off?" Danny slides onto the corner of Martin's desk as he speaks, leaning forward just far enough for the words to hit Martin's skin. Anger flashes hot and bright in Martin, and he wants to shove Danny out of his personal space. He wants to tell him to go flirt with someone else, because Martin isn't falling for the charming smiles or the empty promises anymore. It's the worst kind of torture, and after the past few days he can't deal with Danny's mind games.

"Fine," he answers, hating himself just a little bit more for not having the courage to tell Danny to mind his own business. He can argue with Danny about cases and how to conduct interrogations and even whether or not the Knicks have a shot, but he knows he'll never be able to call Danny on his personality. He doesn't even have the right, because that's just the way Danny is and the problem lies completely with Martin.

He glances up at Danny, wishing as soon as he does that he hadn't. Danny's wearing that bemused little grin of his, the one that makes Martin want to press him up against the nearest flat surface and kiss him until he forgets his own name. Only Martin's pretty sure Danny's never been that far out of control, and he knows he's in far more danger than Danny of losing himself in this thing that isn't happening between them.

"Yeah? Because you don't look like somebody who's fine, Martin."

"And how do I look?" It's a challenge and they both know it. Martin leans back in his chair and meets Danny's gaze defiantly, congratulating himself silently on not backing down.

"Like somebody just ran over your dog," Danny answers. His expression shifts to something a little too serious, and Martin fights the urge to squirm in his chair. He's not going to let Danny get to him, not this time. He's fallen for the charm often enough, there's no denying that even to himself, but he knows better than to confide in Danny. Sure, Danny likes him well enough now, but he's not interested in Martin's personal problems. He just wants to know, the way they all want to know. It's in their nature, and even if it wasn't it's their job. He can't really fault Danny for that, but sometimes he resents feeling like he's under the microscope.

Martin lets out a laugh that's shakier than he intended and shakes his head, looking back down at his paperwork. "You're seeing things."

"Maybe." Danny stands up and Martin catches himself just before he lets out a relieved sigh. He holds his breath for a beat, then two, but Danny's not walking away. He's just...standing there, and the weight of his gaze is so heavy that finally Martin has to look up.

It feels like forever before he walks away, and by the time he goes Martin's hands are shaking. He has no idea when he became so transparent. He's not even sure what Danny thinks he knows, but something tells him he doesn't want to find out.

~

ETA: Who actually remembers Ethan's last name? Because if I do continue this thing that would probably help. I don't think there's anywhere to download the episode or I'd do so.

wat

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