Fic: You're Not Lost (Glee, Will/Finn, PG)
Title: You're Not Lost (Unless You Want to Be Found)
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Finn Hudson/Will Schuester
Rating: PG
Word count: 5256
AO3 link: here
Summary: It's been two years since Finn enlisted. Will's not sure how to deal with all the ways he's changed.
A/N: I confess that I have kind of an obsession with the concept of Finn enlisting and then actually *serving*, though I get the impression that is not the way canon is going to play out. So I will probably write more fic about it. Having said that, I've been working on this since the beginning of the summer, so the planned sequel to this might take awhile. Written for the wild card spot on my h/c bingo card. The prompt is PTSD.
Thanks to jengeorge for the beta, for not telling me to STFU, and for giving me permission to just post already. This would probably make a lot less sense without her intervention.
It’s not often that Will ends up at a bar on a school night. His usual routine involves going home to make dinner alone, then maybe a beer and some grading in front of the TV. He tries not to drink more than one, two beers at the most if he has to work the next day, and definitely not at a bar.
But it’s been a long day, starting with Figgins and Sue ganging up on him about New Directions’ continuing losing streak, and ending with a glee practice that reminded him once again that he hasn’t managed to recapture the magic of those first couple years.
He’s tried everything he can think of, begged and bribed as much talent as he can into auditioning. And his kids are all pretty good, but no matter what he does, there’s still something missing. The chemistry’s just not there, and Will knows that even with twice his current budget, there’s no way he could buy that.
It’s depressing, and the last thing he wants to do is go home to an empty apartment and be reminded that he’s failing in his professional life just as completely as he’s already failed in his personal life. So he points his car away from home, toward a bar he’s been to a few times, but not often enough for anyone to recognize him.
The bar’s mostly empty, which isn’t a surprise, considering it’s still early on a weekday. There’s an Eagles song playing on the radio, and Will takes a seat at the bar and glances around to make sure he doesn’t know anyone. There’s a couple in the far corner, hidden by shadows and looking as though they’re not even aware there are other people in the room. Will clamps down hard on a pang of loneliness and scans the rest of the room, but the only other table is occupied by a group of older men playing cards.
There’s one other person at the bar, dressed in camouflage and judging by the way he’s slumped against the counter, he’s been here a while. Will’s gaze strays to his face, and when he realizes he does know someone in the bar after all, his stomach drops.
“What can I get you?”
Will blinks and tears his gaze away from the soldier at the end of the bar long enough to focus on the bartender. “Oh...uh, I’ll have an IPA.”
Once his beer appears in front of him Will picks it up, then he stands up and walks the length of the bar to stop next to the soldier. “Finn?”
Finn looks up at him, eyes glazed and Will has a feeling he’s been drinking for a while. "Hey, Mr. Schue. I didn’t see you come in."
"Will."
"You will what?"
"No, Finn, I mean...under the circumstances, I think it’s safe if you call me Will.," Will says, glad for the dim light in the bar, because he can feel his face heating up. “Can I...?”
He gestures toward the stool next to Finn’s, and when Finn just shrugs and turns back to his drink, Will frowns and sits down. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”
The laugh Finn lets out is bitter in a way Will never would have expected from him, and when he finally smiles it’s barely recognizable. “I ship out again in a few days. Not really any point in looking anybody up.”
He doesn’t know how long Finn’s been in town, but it seems as though the Army wouldn’t send him home just for a few days. Which means he’s had enough time to look up his friends, even if it didn’t cross his mind to stop by and see Will. The thought hurts more than it should; Will knows better than to think his former students will miss him as much as he misses them, but with Finn...with Finn it’s always been different.
“So you’re spending your time drinking alone?” Will says, raising an eyebrow at the half-empty drink in front of him. “You’re not even twenty-one yet, Finn.”
“Doesn’t matter. They take one look at the uniform, thank me for my service, and pour me whatever I want. Nobody’s asked for I.D. since I enlisted.”
For a second Finn smiles in a way that makes him look just the way Will remembers. Just for a moment he looks sixteen again, exactly like he did on the day Will cornered him and more or less blackmailed him into joining Glee. At the time he’d thought it was in Finn’s best interest, and maybe if he’d applied himself to a career in the performing arts earlier, he wouldn’t have decided that enlisting was his only option.
He’s pretty sure that sitting at a bar with an underage former student is a bad idea, but there’s something about Finn that won’t let Will walk away. Maybe it’s the glimpse of his former self, or maybe it’s the fact that he seems so…well, unhappy. Not that Will expected him to be thrilled with spending four years in a war zone, but he’d hoped the experience wouldn’t completely change Finn.
“So how’ve you been?” Will asks, wincing as soon as the words escape his lips. “What I mean is…I’m not exactly sure what to say here.”
“You and everybody else,” Finn says, and just like that, the bitterness is back.
Will watches while Finn knocks back the rest of his drink, then he signals the bartender for another. He opens his mouth to suggest that maybe Finn should slow down a little, or maybe they should go somewhere and get some food in him. Before he makes up his mind another drink appears in front of Finn, and he drains half of it before he sets it back on the bar again.
“Well, your parents must be happy to have you home.”
“Burt spends most of his time in D.C. these days.” Finn shrugs again, scowling down at his drink as though it’s personally offended him. “Whatever, I’m shipping out again in a couple days anyway.”
Will watches Finn turn his glass around and around, twirling the amber liquid that Will’s guessing is whiskey. He usually sticks to beer, himself, and he never figured Finn for the hard liquor type. But he never figured on walking into a bar to find Finn drinking alone, so maybe he doesn’t know Finn as well as he thought he did.
“What’s it like over there?” Will asks, and it’s not even close to what he’s trying to ask, but he’s having trouble finding the right words.
“Hot,” Finn says, still staring at his drink like he’s not even aware Will’s sitting there. Like he could be anyone, one of Finn’s friends or even a stranger and it wouldn’t matter.
“Obviously I’ve seen the footage on the news,” Will adds, picking up his own beer and then setting it back down without taking a drink. “It must have been terrifying. I mean, when you were first shipped over.”
“I guess,” Finn answers, then he shrugs and casts a glance over Will’s shoulder in the direction of the door. “You don’t really think about it much.”
Will nods as though he understands, but the truth is he has no clue what Finn’s gone through in the past two years. All he knows is that this isn’t the Finn he remembers from Glee, and something must have happened to change him.
“But you’ve got friends there, right? I mean, the members of your platoon must be kind of like New Directions, minus the singing. Is platoon the right word, or is that just for the Marines?” Will asks, but when Finn doesn’t answer he just keeps talking. “I know some of the troops get to perform sometimes. There was a girl on The Voice last season, she was in the Army, I think.”
“Lucky her,” is all Finn says. He’s staring at his drink again, fingers drumming the side of the glass, and Will resists the urge to reach out and still them.
“Finn, is everything okay?”
That gets him a bitter laugh, and when Finn looks at him Will wishes he hadn’t said anything. “Sure, everything’s great. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“It’s just that, well, you seem...different.”
He knows it’s the wrong choice of words as soon as he says it. He sees it in the way Finn winces, then tips his glass back and drains the rest of his drink. Instead of signaling the bartender for another he reaches for his wallet, and Will’s heart lurches in his chest when he realizes Finn’s going to leave.
“Look, I should probably get going,” Finn says, standing up and tossing a few bills on the bar. When he sways a little Will reaches out to steady him, but Finn pulls out of his grip and takes a step backwards. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Finn, wait.” Will pulls out his wallet and adds a few more bills to the pile next to Finn’s glass, then he follows Finn out of the bar. Finn's halfway across the parking lot by the time Will catches up with him, fumbling in his pocket for something and when he pulls out a set of keys, Will reaches out to catch his arm.
"Finn..." He pauses, letting go of Finn to run a hand through his hair. "You know you can still talk to me."
"Yeah? What do you want to talk about? The way nobody knows what to say to me anymore? The way my own parents act like they don't know me? Is that what you want to hear?"
Will has no idea what to say to that, because Finn’s always been at the center of his friends' lives. He was a natural leader in Glee, and Will knows how much his mom and Burt care about both him and Kurt. He can’t imagine Finn not making friends at basic training and then later when he got to wherever he’s stationed now. But that’s the thing; Will doesn’t even know where Finn’s been and what’s been happening in his life, and it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine his friends haven’t kept up with him either.
He’s been half a world away for almost two years, after all, and sure, Will’s thought of him often enough, but he hasn’t stopped to wonder why Finn’s never tried to get in touch. He hasn’t even run into Finn’s mom to ask her how Finn and Kurt are faring, because she and Burt really do spend most of their time in Washington these days, and technically that’s Will’s doing.
When he doesn’t answer Finn just shakes his head and turns to walk away, a little unsteady on his feet, and Will’s moving again before he realizes what he’s doing. “Please wait.”
Finn doesn’t turn around, but he stops, keys dangling from his hand, and Will’s heart creeps up into his throat as he closes the distance between them and rests a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Whatever’s happening in your life, I know I can’t do anything about it. But I can listen, if you want to talk. I’m not your teacher anymore, but I’m still your friend.”
He braces himself for another derisive laugh, for Finn to shake out of his grip and tell him where he can take his pity, maybe. Instead Finn just stands there for a long moment, back to Will and not saying anything, and just when Will thinks he’s not going to answer at all, Finn turns and reaches for him.
Strong arms slide around Will’s shoulders, more solid than the last time he hugged Finn, and when Finn buries his face in Will’s neck to sniffle into his shoulder, he can tell Finn’s crying. It’s not the first time Will’s seen that either, so he wraps his own arms around Finn’s back and holds on. He still doesn’t know what’s been going on with Finn for the past two years, but this…this is something he can do.
“Finn,” Will murmurs, hands moving up and down his back in comforting strokes. “Finn, it’s going to be okay.”
Finn shakes his head against Will’s shoulder, then he turns his face into Will’s neck. Warm lips brush his skin and Will pulls back a little, hands on Finn’s shoulders to look at him. “Finn?”
He expects Finn to look a little embarrassed, maybe, or maybe not even realize that…well, he’s sort of just kissed Will. But as soon as Finn looks at him he’s pushing forward, eyes shining and red-rimmed in the moment before he kisses Will.
For a second Will’s too stunned to react. There’s no way Finn would…and with him, of all people. But Finn’s mouth is still pressed against his, and when Finn’s hand grips the back of his neck, Will pulls away and staggers backwards.
"You're drunk.”
For a second Finn just looks at him as though Will's slapped him instead of stopping him from doing something he'll regret in the morning. For a second Will wants to take it back, to pull Finn close again and forget about talking. He’s not even sure where the urge comes from, because he’s never thought about Finn that way before.
Before he makes up his mind Finn's features twist into an angry scowl that Will feels in his stomach, and he's shoving Will away from him. "Just leave me alone."
For a moment Will's too stunned to do anything but watch Finn fumble for his keys, but when he realizes Finn's actually planning to drive he reaches for them. "I can't let you drive, Finn."
He expects Finn to put up a fight, braces himself to take the hit, but instead Finn just yanks his hand out of Will’s grip. “You know what, screw you.”
Finn takes a few stumbling steps backwards before he turns on his heel, overcorrecting and barely holding onto his balance as he heads toward the sidewalk. Will glances down at the keys in his own hand and wonders if it’s safe to let Finn walk home, considering. But he can’t force Finn into his car, and letting him walk is a lot safer than letting him drive.
“Finn,” Will calls after him anyway, “at least let me give you a ride.”
He pauses and Will thinks he might actually take Will up on his offer, but all he does is glance over his shoulder to scowl at Will. “Don’t do me any favors.”
A second later he’s moving again, heading toward the sidewalk away from Will, and this time Will doesn’t try to stop him.
~
Will brings Finn’s keys with him to school the next day, tucked carefully in his briefcase as though they’re something precious. He looks up every time he hears a door open, half expecting to see Finn looking pale and tired and maybe a little embarrassed. But Finn never comes looking for his keys, and by the end of the day Will realizes he’s not going to.
He thinks about going home and letting Finn come to him, or maybe stopping by the bar where Finn’s truck is probably still parked to leave the keys along with Carole’s phone number and letting the bar deal with it. He’s not Finn’s teacher anymore, and Finn’s not his responsibility. But he told Finn that he was still his friend, and Will meant it.
Maybe he hasn’t been a great friend for the past two years, and he has no idea what’s going on with Finn, but Will’s not just going to abandon him because he’s a little confused. He has to be confused, because that’s the only way he’d kiss Will like that.
When Will realizes he’s got his fingers pressed to his lips he pulls them away, shaking his head to chase away the memory as he pulls up in front of Burt and Carole’s house. Finn’s truck isn’t there, but that’s no surprise. He kills the engine and takes a deep breath, hands on the steering wheel and staring up at the house for a few seconds before he opens the door and gets out of the car.
He hesitates before he rings the doorbell, hand shaking a little and making Finn’s keys rattle. For a few moments nothing happens, and Will starts to wonder if maybe no one’s home. He considers just leaving the keys in the mailbox and calling to let Finn know where they are, but before he makes up his mind the door swings open.
Will braces himself for Finn to take one look at him and slam the door in his face, but instead he finds himself face to face with Finn’s mother.
“Mr. Schuester,” she says, surprise clear in her voice, and Will tells himself he’s not disappointed that Finn didn’t answer the door.
“Please, call me Will. It’s nice to see you again, Mrs. Hummel.”
“Carole,” she says, her smile lighting up her eyes. “It’s been a long time. What brings you by?”
“I was hoping to catch Finn before he ships out again,” Will answers, glancing behind her at the hallway, like maybe he’s going to spot Finn lurking in the living room door. “Is he in?”
“I’m afraid you just missed him,” Carole says, her smile fading a little. “He went out with a friend last night and had a little too much to drink. Burt just took him to pick up his truck.”
He’s not surprised that Finn lied to his parents. The chances of him admitting to drinking alone on a weeknight and losing his keys to his former Spanish teacher are pretty slim, let alone the rest of it. Will considers just thanking Carole for her time and trying to catch up with Finn later, or maybe leaving his keys at the bar after all. But he’s already here, and it’s not going to hurt anything to let Carole know that Will ran into Finn last night.
“That’s why I stopped by, actually,” he says, holding up Finn’s keys. For a second she looks a little surprised, but then she smiles sadly and reaches for them.
“Finn didn’t mention that you were the friend he was meeting,” she says, her hand closing around the keys. “Though he doesn’t tell me much these days.”
The way she says it tells Will that she’s as worried about Finn as he is, but Will doesn’t ask why. It’s none of his business, and anyway he’s not about to tell her what happened between him and Finn last night.
“Well, tell him I stopped by,” Will says, but when he turns to go she reaches out to rest a hand on his arm.
“Thank you, Will. For bringing him home safely.”
Another lie, but Will’s not going to tell her that either. Instead he nods and forces a smile he’s pretty sure isn’t convincing anyone. “Any time. Take care, Carole.”
“You too,” she calls after him as he heads down the sidewalk and back to his car.
~
He doesn’t hear from Finn for the rest of the week. Will tries to call once, but when he gets the answering machine he just hangs up without leaving a message. Finn knows where to find him, after all, and if he doesn’t want to talk to Will, he can’t force him.
By the end of the day on Friday he figures he’s not going to hear from Finn; he’d said he was only in town a few more days, and chances are that he’s already gone back to Afghanistan. Which means Will’s not going to see him again, maybe ever, and the thought leaves a vague, unsettled feeling in the base of his stomach.
He packs up his briefcase and leaves his office, pulling the door closed behind him and glancing around the choir room before he heads home for the weekend. His apartment’s felt a lot more empty since he and Emma finally called it quits, and he’s really not looking forward to going home.
For a second or two he considers heading somewhere for a beer or two, but when he remembers how it went the last time, he changes his mind. Not that he thinks he’ll run into Finn again; Finn’s probably long gone, after all, but somehow the thought of sitting alone in a bar feels even lonelier now that he’s sat next to Finn, even for those few minutes.
He didn’t even know how much he’d missed Finn until that night, and now that he does, Finn’s probably out of his life for good. It shouldn’t bother him as much as it does; all his students move on with their lives, and that’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be. He stays behind and the lives he touches go on to be…more.
But Finn’s not moving on to bigger and better, as far as Will can tell. Joining the Army was supposed to give him a sense of purpose, it was supposed to help him prove to himself that he could stand on his own. From what Will’s seen, though, it’s just made Finn angry and lonely and confused, and Will know exactly how that feels.
He knows and he doesn’t want that for Finn, of all people. He’s thinking about calling Carole, maybe asking if there’s a way to get in touch with Finn over in Afghanistan, when the choir room door opens. Will looks up, his heart stuttering in his chest when he sees Finn walk into the room.
His shoulders are a little slumped, hands in the pockets of his jacket and his head down. He’s wearing civilian clothes, at least, jeans and a well-worn Army t-shirt under his jacket. Will swallows and sets his briefcase down near his feet, then he watches as Finn takes a few steps into the room and lets the door close behind him.
“Hey,” Finn says. “I…uh…do you have a minute?”
“Of course,” Will answers, gesturing toward the rows of chairs Finn’s sat in thousands of times.
He takes a seat in the front row, hands leaving his pockets to fold in front of him, and Will takes a chance and sits down next to him. He’s not sure how long they sit in silence, shoulder to shoulder and Will listening to every breath Finn takes.
“They made us all see a shrink, after some of our unit was killed. She said I’ve got some kind of stress problem.”
Will nods, because he’s heard enough about it on the news to know it’s pretty common for soldiers in combat situations. Hearing that some of Finn’s fellow soldiers have been killed doesn’t really surprise him either, but he reaches up to squeeze Finn’s shoulder anyway.
“I think they call it post traumatic stress disorder.”
Finn glances down at Will’s hand, but he doesn’t shrug out of Will’s grip. Instead he goes back to staring at his hands where they’re folded in front of him, one knee shaking as though he can’t stop himself.
“Yeah, that.” He takes a deep breath, then his knee stops shaking and he glances over at Will again. “Look, I’m sorry about the other night. I didn’t…I mean…”
“Finn, it’s okay,” Will says. He squeezes Finn’s shoulder again, then he realizes what he’s doing and lets go. “I know you were just confused.”
Finn shakes his head at that, then he pulls out of Will’s grip to turn toward him. “I’m not, though. I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of stuff that’s happened, and I’m not really sure how I feel about some of it. But I’m pretty sure about the rest.”
“Finn, what...”
“My mom said you came by.” Finn turns away again, glancing around the room as though he’s just realizing where they are. “You called too, right?”
“How did you know that?”
“Caller ID,” Finn answers, glancing in Will’s direction to grin at him. “I still have your number from that time you gave it to all of us, remember?”
Will nods, then he lets out a self-conscious laugh. He hasn’t made that mistake again since the original New Directions, but then again, his first group of kids were special in a way none of his kids since have been. Will’s told himself for two years that it was because they were all so talented and so cohesive as a team, but the truth is he just...liked them more.
Some of them more than others, and he’s always known that Finn was at the top of that list.
“You know, I thought about emailing you, while I was over there. Some of the things that were going on with me...it was the kind of stuff I would have talked to you about, back in school.”
“So why didn’t you?”
Finn shrugs, his expression turning a little sad. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear it. And by then I’d stopped hearing from pretty much everybody but Mom and Burt, and I figured people just wanted to get on with their lives.”
“Finn, I never...I’ve thought about you quite a bit,” Will admits, and he’s not trying to lead Finn on, but he can’t stand the thought of Finn going back to Afghanistan thinking that everyone at home just forgot about him. “I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch.”
“Why’d you call, anyway? I mean, I figured after what I did you wouldn’t want to talk to me again.”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he says, and it’s true, but he can tell it’s not the answer Finn’s hoping for. His shoulders slump a little further, anyway, and the sight makes Will want to reach for him again. “I meant what I said. I’m still your friend, no matter what happens.”
Finn nods, but he doesn’t look over at Will. He just keeps staring at his hands, and he doesn’t seem as angry as he did that night at the bar, but he’s even sadder now, and Will doesn’t know how to fix it.
“It’s funny, you know, back in high school I didn’t even like drinking all that much. I used to think I just didn’t like losing control, but then my mom told me the truth about my dad and...” He pauses and takes a deep breath, then he looks over at Will, and the look on his face makes Will’s heart beat too fast. “I don’t want to end up like him.”
“Like your father? Why would you think that?”
“Because he couldn’t handle the stress or whatever, so he started using, and it killed him. I only started drinking because there was nothing else to do, but now it’s like I can’t stop.”
“You can, Finn,” Will says, and this time he doesn’t try to stop himself from touching. His hand lands on Finn’s back, moving in slow circles over his jacket. “You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
Finn makes a noise that tells Will he doesn’t believe that, but he doesn’t argue. Instead he sighs and runs his hands over his face, and when he pulls them away again he just looks tired.
“Look, I’m shipping out tomorrow. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but do you think...I mean, would it be okay if we stayed in touch? If you don’t want to I’ll get it.”
“No, Finn...that is, of course I want to,” Will says. “I would have been in touch, but I wasn’t sure how to reach you.”
He tells himself it’s not a lie. If he’d known how to contact Finn he would have, just to check in and see how he’s doing. The fact that he never tried to reach Finn’s parents to find out how to get in touch with him didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about it at least a dozen times. Now that he’s seen Finn again he knows he should have been in contact ages ago, and he’s not going to make that mistake again.
“Yeah?” Finn says, and this time when he smiles he looks so much like the high school kid Will remembers that he has to swallow a rush of guilt.
“Yes,” he answers, smiling back at Finn and gripping his shoulder again. “I’d really like that, Finn.”
“Good,” Finn says. He runs his hands along his thighs, then he stands up and takes a couple steps toward the door. “So I’ll email you.”
Will nods, then it dawns on him that Finn probably only has his school address. “Use my personal address. Give me a second and I’ll write it down for you.”
“I’ll just send you a text,” Finn answers. “Then you can just text it to me. We can’t really use our cell phones over there, but we can Skype sometimes.”
“Okay,” Will says, still nodding, and he’s sure he looks pretty stupid, but Finn doesn’t seem to notice. He follows Finn toward the door, but when they reach it Finn pauses with his hand on the knob and turns to look at him again.
“Look, Will, that whole thing the other night…it wasn’t because I was drunk or confused or whatever.”
“Finn, I…I’m not sure what to say,” Will admits, then he lets out a self-conscious little laugh. “I just…are you sure?”
“Yeah,” Finn says, and when he grins this time Will ignores the urge to kiss him again, just to see what would happen. “You spend a couple years in the desert with a lot of time on your hands, you figure some stuff out.”
“I imagine you would,” Will says, and it’s nowhere near what he wants to say, but that’s the whole problem, because he doesn’t really know how he feels about any of this. He knows he doesn’t want to lose Finn again, though, not before they figure this out.
“I better get going. My mom’s got this big dinner planned and if I’m late she’ll just start worrying.”
Will nods again, but when Finn starts to open the door, he reaches out to stop him. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing; he just slides his arms around Finn’s shoulders and pulls him close, and when Finn hugs him back Will closes his eyes and breathes in deep.
“I mean it, Finn. I’m always going to be here for you.”
For a second the arms around his waist tighten just a little, then Finn pulls back and Will’s stomach fills with butterflies. But Finn doesn’t lean in for a kiss this time; he just looks at Will for a long time, as though maybe he’s trying to memorize the moment. Then he lets go, cheeks flushing a little as he grins.
“Thanks. For everything.”
“Any time, you know that,” Will says. He claps Finn on the shoulder again, and when Finn pulls the door open this time, Will doesn’t try to stop him. He wants to, but he knows he can’t, at least not until he figures out how he feels about all this. “Finn.”
“Yeah?” Finn says, turning back to look at him, and Will’s stomach lurches again.
“I just…why me?”
Finn shrugs, hands back in his pockets and smiling like it’s the dumbest question he’s heard in a long time.
“Who else?” he says, then he turns on his heel and walks away without waiting for an answer.
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Finn Hudson/Will Schuester
Rating: PG
Word count: 5256
AO3 link: here
Summary: It's been two years since Finn enlisted. Will's not sure how to deal with all the ways he's changed.
A/N: I confess that I have kind of an obsession with the concept of Finn enlisting and then actually *serving*, though I get the impression that is not the way canon is going to play out. So I will probably write more fic about it. Having said that, I've been working on this since the beginning of the summer, so the planned sequel to this might take awhile. Written for the wild card spot on my h/c bingo card. The prompt is PTSD.
Thanks to jengeorge for the beta, for not telling me to STFU, and for giving me permission to just post already. This would probably make a lot less sense without her intervention.
It’s not often that Will ends up at a bar on a school night. His usual routine involves going home to make dinner alone, then maybe a beer and some grading in front of the TV. He tries not to drink more than one, two beers at the most if he has to work the next day, and definitely not at a bar.
But it’s been a long day, starting with Figgins and Sue ganging up on him about New Directions’ continuing losing streak, and ending with a glee practice that reminded him once again that he hasn’t managed to recapture the magic of those first couple years.
He’s tried everything he can think of, begged and bribed as much talent as he can into auditioning. And his kids are all pretty good, but no matter what he does, there’s still something missing. The chemistry’s just not there, and Will knows that even with twice his current budget, there’s no way he could buy that.
It’s depressing, and the last thing he wants to do is go home to an empty apartment and be reminded that he’s failing in his professional life just as completely as he’s already failed in his personal life. So he points his car away from home, toward a bar he’s been to a few times, but not often enough for anyone to recognize him.
The bar’s mostly empty, which isn’t a surprise, considering it’s still early on a weekday. There’s an Eagles song playing on the radio, and Will takes a seat at the bar and glances around to make sure he doesn’t know anyone. There’s a couple in the far corner, hidden by shadows and looking as though they’re not even aware there are other people in the room. Will clamps down hard on a pang of loneliness and scans the rest of the room, but the only other table is occupied by a group of older men playing cards.
There’s one other person at the bar, dressed in camouflage and judging by the way he’s slumped against the counter, he’s been here a while. Will’s gaze strays to his face, and when he realizes he does know someone in the bar after all, his stomach drops.
“What can I get you?”
Will blinks and tears his gaze away from the soldier at the end of the bar long enough to focus on the bartender. “Oh...uh, I’ll have an IPA.”
Once his beer appears in front of him Will picks it up, then he stands up and walks the length of the bar to stop next to the soldier. “Finn?”
Finn looks up at him, eyes glazed and Will has a feeling he’s been drinking for a while. "Hey, Mr. Schue. I didn’t see you come in."
"Will."
"You will what?"
"No, Finn, I mean...under the circumstances, I think it’s safe if you call me Will.," Will says, glad for the dim light in the bar, because he can feel his face heating up. “Can I...?”
He gestures toward the stool next to Finn’s, and when Finn just shrugs and turns back to his drink, Will frowns and sits down. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”
The laugh Finn lets out is bitter in a way Will never would have expected from him, and when he finally smiles it’s barely recognizable. “I ship out again in a few days. Not really any point in looking anybody up.”
He doesn’t know how long Finn’s been in town, but it seems as though the Army wouldn’t send him home just for a few days. Which means he’s had enough time to look up his friends, even if it didn’t cross his mind to stop by and see Will. The thought hurts more than it should; Will knows better than to think his former students will miss him as much as he misses them, but with Finn...with Finn it’s always been different.
“So you’re spending your time drinking alone?” Will says, raising an eyebrow at the half-empty drink in front of him. “You’re not even twenty-one yet, Finn.”
“Doesn’t matter. They take one look at the uniform, thank me for my service, and pour me whatever I want. Nobody’s asked for I.D. since I enlisted.”
For a second Finn smiles in a way that makes him look just the way Will remembers. Just for a moment he looks sixteen again, exactly like he did on the day Will cornered him and more or less blackmailed him into joining Glee. At the time he’d thought it was in Finn’s best interest, and maybe if he’d applied himself to a career in the performing arts earlier, he wouldn’t have decided that enlisting was his only option.
He’s pretty sure that sitting at a bar with an underage former student is a bad idea, but there’s something about Finn that won’t let Will walk away. Maybe it’s the glimpse of his former self, or maybe it’s the fact that he seems so…well, unhappy. Not that Will expected him to be thrilled with spending four years in a war zone, but he’d hoped the experience wouldn’t completely change Finn.
“So how’ve you been?” Will asks, wincing as soon as the words escape his lips. “What I mean is…I’m not exactly sure what to say here.”
“You and everybody else,” Finn says, and just like that, the bitterness is back.
Will watches while Finn knocks back the rest of his drink, then he signals the bartender for another. He opens his mouth to suggest that maybe Finn should slow down a little, or maybe they should go somewhere and get some food in him. Before he makes up his mind another drink appears in front of Finn, and he drains half of it before he sets it back on the bar again.
“Well, your parents must be happy to have you home.”
“Burt spends most of his time in D.C. these days.” Finn shrugs again, scowling down at his drink as though it’s personally offended him. “Whatever, I’m shipping out again in a couple days anyway.”
Will watches Finn turn his glass around and around, twirling the amber liquid that Will’s guessing is whiskey. He usually sticks to beer, himself, and he never figured Finn for the hard liquor type. But he never figured on walking into a bar to find Finn drinking alone, so maybe he doesn’t know Finn as well as he thought he did.
“What’s it like over there?” Will asks, and it’s not even close to what he’s trying to ask, but he’s having trouble finding the right words.
“Hot,” Finn says, still staring at his drink like he’s not even aware Will’s sitting there. Like he could be anyone, one of Finn’s friends or even a stranger and it wouldn’t matter.
“Obviously I’ve seen the footage on the news,” Will adds, picking up his own beer and then setting it back down without taking a drink. “It must have been terrifying. I mean, when you were first shipped over.”
“I guess,” Finn answers, then he shrugs and casts a glance over Will’s shoulder in the direction of the door. “You don’t really think about it much.”
Will nods as though he understands, but the truth is he has no clue what Finn’s gone through in the past two years. All he knows is that this isn’t the Finn he remembers from Glee, and something must have happened to change him.
“But you’ve got friends there, right? I mean, the members of your platoon must be kind of like New Directions, minus the singing. Is platoon the right word, or is that just for the Marines?” Will asks, but when Finn doesn’t answer he just keeps talking. “I know some of the troops get to perform sometimes. There was a girl on The Voice last season, she was in the Army, I think.”
“Lucky her,” is all Finn says. He’s staring at his drink again, fingers drumming the side of the glass, and Will resists the urge to reach out and still them.
“Finn, is everything okay?”
That gets him a bitter laugh, and when Finn looks at him Will wishes he hadn’t said anything. “Sure, everything’s great. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“It’s just that, well, you seem...different.”
He knows it’s the wrong choice of words as soon as he says it. He sees it in the way Finn winces, then tips his glass back and drains the rest of his drink. Instead of signaling the bartender for another he reaches for his wallet, and Will’s heart lurches in his chest when he realizes Finn’s going to leave.
“Look, I should probably get going,” Finn says, standing up and tossing a few bills on the bar. When he sways a little Will reaches out to steady him, but Finn pulls out of his grip and takes a step backwards. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Finn, wait.” Will pulls out his wallet and adds a few more bills to the pile next to Finn’s glass, then he follows Finn out of the bar. Finn's halfway across the parking lot by the time Will catches up with him, fumbling in his pocket for something and when he pulls out a set of keys, Will reaches out to catch his arm.
"Finn..." He pauses, letting go of Finn to run a hand through his hair. "You know you can still talk to me."
"Yeah? What do you want to talk about? The way nobody knows what to say to me anymore? The way my own parents act like they don't know me? Is that what you want to hear?"
Will has no idea what to say to that, because Finn’s always been at the center of his friends' lives. He was a natural leader in Glee, and Will knows how much his mom and Burt care about both him and Kurt. He can’t imagine Finn not making friends at basic training and then later when he got to wherever he’s stationed now. But that’s the thing; Will doesn’t even know where Finn’s been and what’s been happening in his life, and it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine his friends haven’t kept up with him either.
He’s been half a world away for almost two years, after all, and sure, Will’s thought of him often enough, but he hasn’t stopped to wonder why Finn’s never tried to get in touch. He hasn’t even run into Finn’s mom to ask her how Finn and Kurt are faring, because she and Burt really do spend most of their time in Washington these days, and technically that’s Will’s doing.
When he doesn’t answer Finn just shakes his head and turns to walk away, a little unsteady on his feet, and Will’s moving again before he realizes what he’s doing. “Please wait.”
Finn doesn’t turn around, but he stops, keys dangling from his hand, and Will’s heart creeps up into his throat as he closes the distance between them and rests a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Whatever’s happening in your life, I know I can’t do anything about it. But I can listen, if you want to talk. I’m not your teacher anymore, but I’m still your friend.”
He braces himself for another derisive laugh, for Finn to shake out of his grip and tell him where he can take his pity, maybe. Instead Finn just stands there for a long moment, back to Will and not saying anything, and just when Will thinks he’s not going to answer at all, Finn turns and reaches for him.
Strong arms slide around Will’s shoulders, more solid than the last time he hugged Finn, and when Finn buries his face in Will’s neck to sniffle into his shoulder, he can tell Finn’s crying. It’s not the first time Will’s seen that either, so he wraps his own arms around Finn’s back and holds on. He still doesn’t know what’s been going on with Finn for the past two years, but this…this is something he can do.
“Finn,” Will murmurs, hands moving up and down his back in comforting strokes. “Finn, it’s going to be okay.”
Finn shakes his head against Will’s shoulder, then he turns his face into Will’s neck. Warm lips brush his skin and Will pulls back a little, hands on Finn’s shoulders to look at him. “Finn?”
He expects Finn to look a little embarrassed, maybe, or maybe not even realize that…well, he’s sort of just kissed Will. But as soon as Finn looks at him he’s pushing forward, eyes shining and red-rimmed in the moment before he kisses Will.
For a second Will’s too stunned to react. There’s no way Finn would…and with him, of all people. But Finn’s mouth is still pressed against his, and when Finn’s hand grips the back of his neck, Will pulls away and staggers backwards.
"You're drunk.”
For a second Finn just looks at him as though Will's slapped him instead of stopping him from doing something he'll regret in the morning. For a second Will wants to take it back, to pull Finn close again and forget about talking. He’s not even sure where the urge comes from, because he’s never thought about Finn that way before.
Before he makes up his mind Finn's features twist into an angry scowl that Will feels in his stomach, and he's shoving Will away from him. "Just leave me alone."
For a moment Will's too stunned to do anything but watch Finn fumble for his keys, but when he realizes Finn's actually planning to drive he reaches for them. "I can't let you drive, Finn."
He expects Finn to put up a fight, braces himself to take the hit, but instead Finn just yanks his hand out of Will’s grip. “You know what, screw you.”
Finn takes a few stumbling steps backwards before he turns on his heel, overcorrecting and barely holding onto his balance as he heads toward the sidewalk. Will glances down at the keys in his own hand and wonders if it’s safe to let Finn walk home, considering. But he can’t force Finn into his car, and letting him walk is a lot safer than letting him drive.
“Finn,” Will calls after him anyway, “at least let me give you a ride.”
He pauses and Will thinks he might actually take Will up on his offer, but all he does is glance over his shoulder to scowl at Will. “Don’t do me any favors.”
A second later he’s moving again, heading toward the sidewalk away from Will, and this time Will doesn’t try to stop him.
~
Will brings Finn’s keys with him to school the next day, tucked carefully in his briefcase as though they’re something precious. He looks up every time he hears a door open, half expecting to see Finn looking pale and tired and maybe a little embarrassed. But Finn never comes looking for his keys, and by the end of the day Will realizes he’s not going to.
He thinks about going home and letting Finn come to him, or maybe stopping by the bar where Finn’s truck is probably still parked to leave the keys along with Carole’s phone number and letting the bar deal with it. He’s not Finn’s teacher anymore, and Finn’s not his responsibility. But he told Finn that he was still his friend, and Will meant it.
Maybe he hasn’t been a great friend for the past two years, and he has no idea what’s going on with Finn, but Will’s not just going to abandon him because he’s a little confused. He has to be confused, because that’s the only way he’d kiss Will like that.
When Will realizes he’s got his fingers pressed to his lips he pulls them away, shaking his head to chase away the memory as he pulls up in front of Burt and Carole’s house. Finn’s truck isn’t there, but that’s no surprise. He kills the engine and takes a deep breath, hands on the steering wheel and staring up at the house for a few seconds before he opens the door and gets out of the car.
He hesitates before he rings the doorbell, hand shaking a little and making Finn’s keys rattle. For a few moments nothing happens, and Will starts to wonder if maybe no one’s home. He considers just leaving the keys in the mailbox and calling to let Finn know where they are, but before he makes up his mind the door swings open.
Will braces himself for Finn to take one look at him and slam the door in his face, but instead he finds himself face to face with Finn’s mother.
“Mr. Schuester,” she says, surprise clear in her voice, and Will tells himself he’s not disappointed that Finn didn’t answer the door.
“Please, call me Will. It’s nice to see you again, Mrs. Hummel.”
“Carole,” she says, her smile lighting up her eyes. “It’s been a long time. What brings you by?”
“I was hoping to catch Finn before he ships out again,” Will answers, glancing behind her at the hallway, like maybe he’s going to spot Finn lurking in the living room door. “Is he in?”
“I’m afraid you just missed him,” Carole says, her smile fading a little. “He went out with a friend last night and had a little too much to drink. Burt just took him to pick up his truck.”
He’s not surprised that Finn lied to his parents. The chances of him admitting to drinking alone on a weeknight and losing his keys to his former Spanish teacher are pretty slim, let alone the rest of it. Will considers just thanking Carole for her time and trying to catch up with Finn later, or maybe leaving his keys at the bar after all. But he’s already here, and it’s not going to hurt anything to let Carole know that Will ran into Finn last night.
“That’s why I stopped by, actually,” he says, holding up Finn’s keys. For a second she looks a little surprised, but then she smiles sadly and reaches for them.
“Finn didn’t mention that you were the friend he was meeting,” she says, her hand closing around the keys. “Though he doesn’t tell me much these days.”
The way she says it tells Will that she’s as worried about Finn as he is, but Will doesn’t ask why. It’s none of his business, and anyway he’s not about to tell her what happened between him and Finn last night.
“Well, tell him I stopped by,” Will says, but when he turns to go she reaches out to rest a hand on his arm.
“Thank you, Will. For bringing him home safely.”
Another lie, but Will’s not going to tell her that either. Instead he nods and forces a smile he’s pretty sure isn’t convincing anyone. “Any time. Take care, Carole.”
“You too,” she calls after him as he heads down the sidewalk and back to his car.
~
He doesn’t hear from Finn for the rest of the week. Will tries to call once, but when he gets the answering machine he just hangs up without leaving a message. Finn knows where to find him, after all, and if he doesn’t want to talk to Will, he can’t force him.
By the end of the day on Friday he figures he’s not going to hear from Finn; he’d said he was only in town a few more days, and chances are that he’s already gone back to Afghanistan. Which means Will’s not going to see him again, maybe ever, and the thought leaves a vague, unsettled feeling in the base of his stomach.
He packs up his briefcase and leaves his office, pulling the door closed behind him and glancing around the choir room before he heads home for the weekend. His apartment’s felt a lot more empty since he and Emma finally called it quits, and he’s really not looking forward to going home.
For a second or two he considers heading somewhere for a beer or two, but when he remembers how it went the last time, he changes his mind. Not that he thinks he’ll run into Finn again; Finn’s probably long gone, after all, but somehow the thought of sitting alone in a bar feels even lonelier now that he’s sat next to Finn, even for those few minutes.
He didn’t even know how much he’d missed Finn until that night, and now that he does, Finn’s probably out of his life for good. It shouldn’t bother him as much as it does; all his students move on with their lives, and that’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be. He stays behind and the lives he touches go on to be…more.
But Finn’s not moving on to bigger and better, as far as Will can tell. Joining the Army was supposed to give him a sense of purpose, it was supposed to help him prove to himself that he could stand on his own. From what Will’s seen, though, it’s just made Finn angry and lonely and confused, and Will know exactly how that feels.
He knows and he doesn’t want that for Finn, of all people. He’s thinking about calling Carole, maybe asking if there’s a way to get in touch with Finn over in Afghanistan, when the choir room door opens. Will looks up, his heart stuttering in his chest when he sees Finn walk into the room.
His shoulders are a little slumped, hands in the pockets of his jacket and his head down. He’s wearing civilian clothes, at least, jeans and a well-worn Army t-shirt under his jacket. Will swallows and sets his briefcase down near his feet, then he watches as Finn takes a few steps into the room and lets the door close behind him.
“Hey,” Finn says. “I…uh…do you have a minute?”
“Of course,” Will answers, gesturing toward the rows of chairs Finn’s sat in thousands of times.
He takes a seat in the front row, hands leaving his pockets to fold in front of him, and Will takes a chance and sits down next to him. He’s not sure how long they sit in silence, shoulder to shoulder and Will listening to every breath Finn takes.
“They made us all see a shrink, after some of our unit was killed. She said I’ve got some kind of stress problem.”
Will nods, because he’s heard enough about it on the news to know it’s pretty common for soldiers in combat situations. Hearing that some of Finn’s fellow soldiers have been killed doesn’t really surprise him either, but he reaches up to squeeze Finn’s shoulder anyway.
“I think they call it post traumatic stress disorder.”
Finn glances down at Will’s hand, but he doesn’t shrug out of Will’s grip. Instead he goes back to staring at his hands where they’re folded in front of him, one knee shaking as though he can’t stop himself.
“Yeah, that.” He takes a deep breath, then his knee stops shaking and he glances over at Will again. “Look, I’m sorry about the other night. I didn’t…I mean…”
“Finn, it’s okay,” Will says. He squeezes Finn’s shoulder again, then he realizes what he’s doing and lets go. “I know you were just confused.”
Finn shakes his head at that, then he pulls out of Will’s grip to turn toward him. “I’m not, though. I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of stuff that’s happened, and I’m not really sure how I feel about some of it. But I’m pretty sure about the rest.”
“Finn, what...”
“My mom said you came by.” Finn turns away again, glancing around the room as though he’s just realizing where they are. “You called too, right?”
“How did you know that?”
“Caller ID,” Finn answers, glancing in Will’s direction to grin at him. “I still have your number from that time you gave it to all of us, remember?”
Will nods, then he lets out a self-conscious laugh. He hasn’t made that mistake again since the original New Directions, but then again, his first group of kids were special in a way none of his kids since have been. Will’s told himself for two years that it was because they were all so talented and so cohesive as a team, but the truth is he just...liked them more.
Some of them more than others, and he’s always known that Finn was at the top of that list.
“You know, I thought about emailing you, while I was over there. Some of the things that were going on with me...it was the kind of stuff I would have talked to you about, back in school.”
“So why didn’t you?”
Finn shrugs, his expression turning a little sad. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear it. And by then I’d stopped hearing from pretty much everybody but Mom and Burt, and I figured people just wanted to get on with their lives.”
“Finn, I never...I’ve thought about you quite a bit,” Will admits, and he’s not trying to lead Finn on, but he can’t stand the thought of Finn going back to Afghanistan thinking that everyone at home just forgot about him. “I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch.”
“Why’d you call, anyway? I mean, I figured after what I did you wouldn’t want to talk to me again.”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he says, and it’s true, but he can tell it’s not the answer Finn’s hoping for. His shoulders slump a little further, anyway, and the sight makes Will want to reach for him again. “I meant what I said. I’m still your friend, no matter what happens.”
Finn nods, but he doesn’t look over at Will. He just keeps staring at his hands, and he doesn’t seem as angry as he did that night at the bar, but he’s even sadder now, and Will doesn’t know how to fix it.
“It’s funny, you know, back in high school I didn’t even like drinking all that much. I used to think I just didn’t like losing control, but then my mom told me the truth about my dad and...” He pauses and takes a deep breath, then he looks over at Will, and the look on his face makes Will’s heart beat too fast. “I don’t want to end up like him.”
“Like your father? Why would you think that?”
“Because he couldn’t handle the stress or whatever, so he started using, and it killed him. I only started drinking because there was nothing else to do, but now it’s like I can’t stop.”
“You can, Finn,” Will says, and this time he doesn’t try to stop himself from touching. His hand lands on Finn’s back, moving in slow circles over his jacket. “You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
Finn makes a noise that tells Will he doesn’t believe that, but he doesn’t argue. Instead he sighs and runs his hands over his face, and when he pulls them away again he just looks tired.
“Look, I’m shipping out tomorrow. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but do you think...I mean, would it be okay if we stayed in touch? If you don’t want to I’ll get it.”
“No, Finn...that is, of course I want to,” Will says. “I would have been in touch, but I wasn’t sure how to reach you.”
He tells himself it’s not a lie. If he’d known how to contact Finn he would have, just to check in and see how he’s doing. The fact that he never tried to reach Finn’s parents to find out how to get in touch with him didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about it at least a dozen times. Now that he’s seen Finn again he knows he should have been in contact ages ago, and he’s not going to make that mistake again.
“Yeah?” Finn says, and this time when he smiles he looks so much like the high school kid Will remembers that he has to swallow a rush of guilt.
“Yes,” he answers, smiling back at Finn and gripping his shoulder again. “I’d really like that, Finn.”
“Good,” Finn says. He runs his hands along his thighs, then he stands up and takes a couple steps toward the door. “So I’ll email you.”
Will nods, then it dawns on him that Finn probably only has his school address. “Use my personal address. Give me a second and I’ll write it down for you.”
“I’ll just send you a text,” Finn answers. “Then you can just text it to me. We can’t really use our cell phones over there, but we can Skype sometimes.”
“Okay,” Will says, still nodding, and he’s sure he looks pretty stupid, but Finn doesn’t seem to notice. He follows Finn toward the door, but when they reach it Finn pauses with his hand on the knob and turns to look at him again.
“Look, Will, that whole thing the other night…it wasn’t because I was drunk or confused or whatever.”
“Finn, I…I’m not sure what to say,” Will admits, then he lets out a self-conscious little laugh. “I just…are you sure?”
“Yeah,” Finn says, and when he grins this time Will ignores the urge to kiss him again, just to see what would happen. “You spend a couple years in the desert with a lot of time on your hands, you figure some stuff out.”
“I imagine you would,” Will says, and it’s nowhere near what he wants to say, but that’s the whole problem, because he doesn’t really know how he feels about any of this. He knows he doesn’t want to lose Finn again, though, not before they figure this out.
“I better get going. My mom’s got this big dinner planned and if I’m late she’ll just start worrying.”
Will nods again, but when Finn starts to open the door, he reaches out to stop him. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing; he just slides his arms around Finn’s shoulders and pulls him close, and when Finn hugs him back Will closes his eyes and breathes in deep.
“I mean it, Finn. I’m always going to be here for you.”
For a second the arms around his waist tighten just a little, then Finn pulls back and Will’s stomach fills with butterflies. But Finn doesn’t lean in for a kiss this time; he just looks at Will for a long time, as though maybe he’s trying to memorize the moment. Then he lets go, cheeks flushing a little as he grins.
“Thanks. For everything.”
“Any time, you know that,” Will says. He claps Finn on the shoulder again, and when Finn pulls the door open this time, Will doesn’t try to stop him. He wants to, but he knows he can’t, at least not until he figures out how he feels about all this. “Finn.”
“Yeah?” Finn says, turning back to look at him, and Will’s stomach lurches again.
“I just…why me?”
Finn shrugs, hands back in his pockets and smiling like it’s the dumbest question he’s heard in a long time.
“Who else?” he says, then he turns on his heel and walks away without waiting for an answer.