Ficlet: Once Upon A Mattress
So I have legit been trying to post this for about a week but the internet I've been stealing from my neighbors prior to Friday was unbelievably slow. But I have the internetz back, and it is now time for me to post a belated birthday gift for the amazing mybriefeternity !! I have chosen to express my love and birthday wishes with TOTAL CRACK. MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES.
Once Upon A Matttress
“Blaine Warbler Anderson,” says Kurt, glancing over at his boyfriend with a threateningly-raised eyebrow. “You can keep asking me all you want - although quite frankly I wish you’d stop - but my answer isn’t going to be any different from the last 452 times you’ve asked me: It’s. A. Surprise.”
“Come on, come on, just a hint, Kurt”-
“No.”
“A teensy-weensy little hint? A cleverly-concealed clue? An ingenious riddle I could solve that might give me some idea as to - ?”
“No.”
“But Kurt”-
“NO.”
This is how the entire day has gone so far; an endless barrage of questions thrown at Kurt via text message and Skype, and then on the drive over to the restaurant, and then all through Blaine’s birthday breakfast, and now on the drive to -
“- we’re here,” announces Kurt cheerfully, pulling into the small shopping plaza and easing them expertly into a tight parking space. The lot is nearly full.
Blaine looks out the window and then blinks up at Kurt, his expression conveying total confusion. “Um…”
Kurt unbuckles his seat belt and opens the car door. “Stay there. I’ll come around and open your door for you,” he orders. “But just because it’s your birthday. You can’t expect this level of chivalry from me every day.”
True to his word, Kurt walks around to the passenger side of the car, opens the door, and bows gallantly to Blaine before taking his hand and ushering him out of the vehicle.
“So,” says Kurt cheerfully, gazing up at the storefront sign above them. “What do you think?”
Blaine frowns up at the storefront sign above him. “I think even if you had given me a clue, I still wouldn’t have known what to make of this.”
“That’s probably true,” agrees Kurt.
“Kurt?”
“Yes, dearest?”
Blaine bites his lip awkwardly. “Even now that we're here, I'm still not really sure what to make of this.”
Kurt cocks his head to the side. “No ideas at all?”
“Ideas about why my birthday present would be in a store called Mattress Land? No, I think I can safely admit to being stumped.”
Kurt reaches for Blaine’s hand and leads him across the parking lot.
“Hey,” says Blaine suspiciously, looking over his shoulder as they approach the door, “that looks an awful lot like Wes’ car.”
“Hush,” says Kurt. “You’re seeing things. Now if you’ll just step this way…”
0000
0000
“Okay, I am officially at a loss,” says Blaine as he looks around at the store which is (shockingly enough) filled with mattresses. “There are all these cars in the parking lot, but no one’s here.”
“Let’s worry about that later, shall we?” replies Kurt breezily. “You and I are here on an important errand. We’re here to pick up our mattress.”
“Wha - excuse me? Our… mattress?”
“Yes,” says Kurt, nodding.
“You bought me a mattress? For my birthday?”
“Well,” says Kurt, “not exactly. But it’s just. I was thinking about what a shame it is that neither of us is allowed to close the door to our bedrooms when the other is over…”
Blaine raises his eyebrow. “Go on,” he says impassively.
“And I was thinking about that talk we had recently about our level of physical readiness, and I was thinking about the, uh, conclusions we reached…”
The eyebrow stays raised. “Continue.”
“And I was thinking about that tree house in your backyard, and how your parents don’t seem to have made any stipulations regarding how much time we spend up there…”
“Yeah, well, that’s because it’s just an empty room with wood floors.”
“And I was thinking,” Kurt continues, “that it’s really a very nice tree house, and that it could only be improved upon by the addition of some discounted furniture. Like, oh, say… a mattress?”
Blaine’s eyes widen. “You want to put a mattress in my tree house? So that we can”-
Kurt blushes. “Well, only if you want to, obviously. I just thought - you know, I called in a favor to the guy who owns the store, and he had a shipment of mattresses with some slight defects and he was practically giving them away, so…”
Blaine grabs Kurt’s hand, his eyes lighting up. “Oh my - oh my god, Kurt, that’s genius. That’s… you’re a genius!”
Kurt’s face reddens further. “Well, I do try.”
Blaine laughs delightedly and pulls Kurt into a deep, spine-tingling kiss, feeling indescribably happy that there aren’t any other people in the store. “So which one’s ours?”
“He said it would be over in the back left corner.”
Blaine drags Kurt over to the aforementioned location eagerly. “This one?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s awesome. Is it - ?”
“It’s a double, I think. Might be kind of a tight squeeze, but fortunately my boyfriend’s a midget, so…”
“Hey!”
“Ooh, I’m sorry, sweetie. I meant fun-sized”-
Blaine’s glares at Kurt in mock-outrage as he skims his fingers along the warm, inviting cushion beneath him. “Well, anyway,” he says. “It’s a great birthday present, Kurt. Even if I get the feeling it’s just as much for you as it is for me”-
“Oh, this isn’t your birthday present,” says Kurt airily. “Like I said, this is just an errand. I wasn’t even sure you’d say yes, after all.”
“Okay,” says Blaine slowly. “So my actual present - ?”
“- is also here,” Kurt informs him. “Now take my hand and close your eyes.”
Feeling more confused than ever, Blaine obeys, shutting his eyes tightly and letting Kurt lead him across the room.
“Stop, but keep your eyes closed,” Kurt tells him. Blaine does, waiting apprehensively as he hears what sounds like a door being pushed open.
“Okay. You can open them.” Blaine opens his eyes. And before he can get a good look at what appears to be a large, warehouse-type room in front of him -
Warblers.
Warblers everywhere.
A gaggle of teenage boys pressing in on him; laughing, shouting, hugging him, and patting him on the back.
David. Jeff.
Trent. Nick. Roger. Thad.
Gabriel. Jonathan. Wes -
“Happy Birthday, man!” (David)
“Happy B-day, bro!” (Nick)
“Fondest wishes to you, fellow Warbler, on this most joyous of occasions.” (Thad, of course.)
“I - I don’t understand…” stammers Blaine. “Kurt, what’s - ?”
“Blaine, my love,” says Kurt warmly. “The Warblers are all in agreement that you can’t let your skills get rusty over the summer. You need to practice. So they’ve all come here, with the intention of performing this past year’s Sectionals set-list.”
"But I”-
“Blaine,” says Kurt with a mischievous grin. “Look around you.”
The cluster of Warblers surrounding him break apart and Blaine stares slowly around the room. It is a warehouse. And it’s filled with mattresses of every size and shape and cushion-thickness known to humankind. There are also futons, armchairs, loveseats, and a few squashy-looking sofas.
Blaine clutches his boyfriend’s arm desperately - he can’t let himself believe this yet. The thought is just too amazing -
“Kurt”- he says, his voice strangled.
“Yes, my love," Kurt confirms. "It's yours for the rest of the afternoon."
Blaine nearly falls to the floor in delight and disbelief. “I can… I can jump on all the furniture?”
“All the furniture, Blaine. Just take your shoes off before you start.”
Blaine’s vision starts to blur as his eyes fill with tears. “Kurt,” he says, turning to face him, his lower lip trembling with emotion, “this is… the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever done”-
Kurt pulls him in for a hug. “I know, honey. I know.”
0000
0000
The rest of the afternoon is spent, predictably, with the Warblers doo-wopping behind Blaine as he sings every solo in the medley of Pink songs.
The sight of his boyfriend, rapturously bouncing from mattress to couch to chair to loveseat to mattress, and singing at the top of his lungs all the while, tells Kurt all he needs to know about the success of his present.
And the extremely loud shout of “Wheeee!” (jump-bounce) “I have the best boyfriend everrrrrrr!” (jump-bounce) simply confirms it.
“Blaine,” he says, gasping with laughter as his boyfriend pulls him onto a couch, trying to avoid a collision with several nearby bouncing Warblers, “Candles by Hey Monday is simply not a song you can bounce on furniture to!”
“It is now!” proclaims Blaine loudly.
“But”-
“It’s my birthday!” Blaine informs him. “You have to.”
Kurt rolls his eyes and jumps from a futon to a queen-sized mattress. “The power lines went out. And I am all alone…” (bounce)
“This totally should have been our choreography for Sectionals,” whispers Nick to David.
“Raise it as a Point of Order during September’s meeting. I’ll encourage the incipient council members to give the matter serious consideration,” replies David solemnly.
“Ohmygod,” comes Kurt’s voice. “Blaine - Blaine - if you bounce me off of this sofa, I swear. Birthday or no birthday, it will definitely be a solo for you tonight!”
“But Kuuuurt…”
“Blaine, I said no!”
0000
0000
Blaine did end up bouncing him off the sofa, anyway. And Kurt forgave him - but only because it was his birthday.
And afterward, the Warblers helped them install the mattress. Nick, Jeff, and Gabriel created an elaborate distraction for Mr. and Mrs. Anderson by pretending to be foreign traveling circus members who didn’t speak a word of English and were searching for their escaped ostrich, while the rest of the Warblers helped Kurt and Blaine sneak it around the back of the house and through the door of the tree house.
Blaine and Kurt broke in their new mattress that very evening. But that wasn’t just because it was Blaine’s birthday -
It was just because they loved each other and the time was right.
Without a doubt, it was Blaine's best birthday ever.
(Or at least it was until his twenty-first birthday which involved a weekend with the Warblers and Kurt at Wes' family's lake house, a plastic flamingo, a hot tub, illegally purchased fireworks, and the inappropriate use of a microwave, but he needs at least two shots of tequila in him before he'll share the entirety of that story, so let's just forget I even mentioned it, okay?)
THE END
Once Upon A Matttress
“Blaine Warbler Anderson,” says Kurt, glancing over at his boyfriend with a threateningly-raised eyebrow. “You can keep asking me all you want - although quite frankly I wish you’d stop - but my answer isn’t going to be any different from the last 452 times you’ve asked me: It’s. A. Surprise.”
“Come on, come on, just a hint, Kurt”-
“No.”
“A teensy-weensy little hint? A cleverly-concealed clue? An ingenious riddle I could solve that might give me some idea as to - ?”
“No.”
“But Kurt”-
“NO.”
This is how the entire day has gone so far; an endless barrage of questions thrown at Kurt via text message and Skype, and then on the drive over to the restaurant, and then all through Blaine’s birthday breakfast, and now on the drive to -
“- we’re here,” announces Kurt cheerfully, pulling into the small shopping plaza and easing them expertly into a tight parking space. The lot is nearly full.
Blaine looks out the window and then blinks up at Kurt, his expression conveying total confusion. “Um…”
Kurt unbuckles his seat belt and opens the car door. “Stay there. I’ll come around and open your door for you,” he orders. “But just because it’s your birthday. You can’t expect this level of chivalry from me every day.”
True to his word, Kurt walks around to the passenger side of the car, opens the door, and bows gallantly to Blaine before taking his hand and ushering him out of the vehicle.
“So,” says Kurt cheerfully, gazing up at the storefront sign above them. “What do you think?”
Blaine frowns up at the storefront sign above him. “I think even if you had given me a clue, I still wouldn’t have known what to make of this.”
“That’s probably true,” agrees Kurt.
“Kurt?”
“Yes, dearest?”
Blaine bites his lip awkwardly. “Even now that we're here, I'm still not really sure what to make of this.”
Kurt cocks his head to the side. “No ideas at all?”
“Ideas about why my birthday present would be in a store called Mattress Land? No, I think I can safely admit to being stumped.”
Kurt reaches for Blaine’s hand and leads him across the parking lot.
“Hey,” says Blaine suspiciously, looking over his shoulder as they approach the door, “that looks an awful lot like Wes’ car.”
“Hush,” says Kurt. “You’re seeing things. Now if you’ll just step this way…”
0000
0000
“Okay, I am officially at a loss,” says Blaine as he looks around at the store which is (shockingly enough) filled with mattresses. “There are all these cars in the parking lot, but no one’s here.”
“Let’s worry about that later, shall we?” replies Kurt breezily. “You and I are here on an important errand. We’re here to pick up our mattress.”
“Wha - excuse me? Our… mattress?”
“Yes,” says Kurt, nodding.
“You bought me a mattress? For my birthday?”
“Well,” says Kurt, “not exactly. But it’s just. I was thinking about what a shame it is that neither of us is allowed to close the door to our bedrooms when the other is over…”
Blaine raises his eyebrow. “Go on,” he says impassively.
“And I was thinking about that talk we had recently about our level of physical readiness, and I was thinking about the, uh, conclusions we reached…”
The eyebrow stays raised. “Continue.”
“And I was thinking about that tree house in your backyard, and how your parents don’t seem to have made any stipulations regarding how much time we spend up there…”
“Yeah, well, that’s because it’s just an empty room with wood floors.”
“And I was thinking,” Kurt continues, “that it’s really a very nice tree house, and that it could only be improved upon by the addition of some discounted furniture. Like, oh, say… a mattress?”
Blaine’s eyes widen. “You want to put a mattress in my tree house? So that we can”-
Kurt blushes. “Well, only if you want to, obviously. I just thought - you know, I called in a favor to the guy who owns the store, and he had a shipment of mattresses with some slight defects and he was practically giving them away, so…”
Blaine grabs Kurt’s hand, his eyes lighting up. “Oh my - oh my god, Kurt, that’s genius. That’s… you’re a genius!”
Kurt’s face reddens further. “Well, I do try.”
Blaine laughs delightedly and pulls Kurt into a deep, spine-tingling kiss, feeling indescribably happy that there aren’t any other people in the store. “So which one’s ours?”
“He said it would be over in the back left corner.”
Blaine drags Kurt over to the aforementioned location eagerly. “This one?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s awesome. Is it - ?”
“It’s a double, I think. Might be kind of a tight squeeze, but fortunately my boyfriend’s a midget, so…”
“Hey!”
“Ooh, I’m sorry, sweetie. I meant fun-sized”-
Blaine’s glares at Kurt in mock-outrage as he skims his fingers along the warm, inviting cushion beneath him. “Well, anyway,” he says. “It’s a great birthday present, Kurt. Even if I get the feeling it’s just as much for you as it is for me”-
“Oh, this isn’t your birthday present,” says Kurt airily. “Like I said, this is just an errand. I wasn’t even sure you’d say yes, after all.”
“Okay,” says Blaine slowly. “So my actual present - ?”
“- is also here,” Kurt informs him. “Now take my hand and close your eyes.”
Feeling more confused than ever, Blaine obeys, shutting his eyes tightly and letting Kurt lead him across the room.
“Stop, but keep your eyes closed,” Kurt tells him. Blaine does, waiting apprehensively as he hears what sounds like a door being pushed open.
“Okay. You can open them.” Blaine opens his eyes. And before he can get a good look at what appears to be a large, warehouse-type room in front of him -
Warblers.
Warblers everywhere.
A gaggle of teenage boys pressing in on him; laughing, shouting, hugging him, and patting him on the back.
David. Jeff.
Trent. Nick. Roger. Thad.
Gabriel. Jonathan. Wes -
“Happy Birthday, man!” (David)
“Happy B-day, bro!” (Nick)
“Fondest wishes to you, fellow Warbler, on this most joyous of occasions.” (Thad, of course.)
“I - I don’t understand…” stammers Blaine. “Kurt, what’s - ?”
“Blaine, my love,” says Kurt warmly. “The Warblers are all in agreement that you can’t let your skills get rusty over the summer. You need to practice. So they’ve all come here, with the intention of performing this past year’s Sectionals set-list.”
"But I”-
“Blaine,” says Kurt with a mischievous grin. “Look around you.”
The cluster of Warblers surrounding him break apart and Blaine stares slowly around the room. It is a warehouse. And it’s filled with mattresses of every size and shape and cushion-thickness known to humankind. There are also futons, armchairs, loveseats, and a few squashy-looking sofas.
Blaine clutches his boyfriend’s arm desperately - he can’t let himself believe this yet. The thought is just too amazing -
“Kurt”- he says, his voice strangled.
“Yes, my love," Kurt confirms. "It's yours for the rest of the afternoon."
Blaine nearly falls to the floor in delight and disbelief. “I can… I can jump on all the furniture?”
“All the furniture, Blaine. Just take your shoes off before you start.”
Blaine’s vision starts to blur as his eyes fill with tears. “Kurt,” he says, turning to face him, his lower lip trembling with emotion, “this is… the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever done”-
Kurt pulls him in for a hug. “I know, honey. I know.”
0000
0000
The rest of the afternoon is spent, predictably, with the Warblers doo-wopping behind Blaine as he sings every solo in the medley of Pink songs.
The sight of his boyfriend, rapturously bouncing from mattress to couch to chair to loveseat to mattress, and singing at the top of his lungs all the while, tells Kurt all he needs to know about the success of his present.
And the extremely loud shout of “Wheeee!” (jump-bounce) “I have the best boyfriend everrrrrrr!” (jump-bounce) simply confirms it.
“Blaine,” he says, gasping with laughter as his boyfriend pulls him onto a couch, trying to avoid a collision with several nearby bouncing Warblers, “Candles by Hey Monday is simply not a song you can bounce on furniture to!”
“It is now!” proclaims Blaine loudly.
“But”-
“It’s my birthday!” Blaine informs him. “You have to.”
Kurt rolls his eyes and jumps from a futon to a queen-sized mattress. “The power lines went out. And I am all alone…” (bounce)
“This totally should have been our choreography for Sectionals,” whispers Nick to David.
“Raise it as a Point of Order during September’s meeting. I’ll encourage the incipient council members to give the matter serious consideration,” replies David solemnly.
“Ohmygod,” comes Kurt’s voice. “Blaine - Blaine - if you bounce me off of this sofa, I swear. Birthday or no birthday, it will definitely be a solo for you tonight!”
“But Kuuuurt…”
“Blaine, I said no!”
0000
0000
Blaine did end up bouncing him off the sofa, anyway. And Kurt forgave him - but only because it was his birthday.
And afterward, the Warblers helped them install the mattress. Nick, Jeff, and Gabriel created an elaborate distraction for Mr. and Mrs. Anderson by pretending to be foreign traveling circus members who didn’t speak a word of English and were searching for their escaped ostrich, while the rest of the Warblers helped Kurt and Blaine sneak it around the back of the house and through the door of the tree house.
Blaine and Kurt broke in their new mattress that very evening. But that wasn’t just because it was Blaine’s birthday -
It was just because they loved each other and the time was right.
Without a doubt, it was Blaine's best birthday ever.
(Or at least it was until his twenty-first birthday which involved a weekend with the Warblers and Kurt at Wes' family's lake house, a plastic flamingo, a hot tub, illegally purchased fireworks, and the inappropriate use of a microwave, but he needs at least two shots of tequila in him before he'll share the entirety of that story, so let's just forget I even mentioned it, okay?)
THE END