FIC: No Guarantees (4a/4)
Title: No Guarantees
Chapter: 4a/4
Author: carolinablu85
Pairing/Characters: Luke/Noah, Faith, Charlene, Casey, Hunter, Maddie, Emily
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,305
Spoilers/Warnings: AU with some canon borrowing, brief mentions of Luke/Other and Noah/Other, very brief very vague mentions of drug use
Summary: Boys are stupid but love each other and love is better than stupidity so maybe this will have a happy ending?
Disclaimer: I disclaim owning anything of merit.
A/N: For jessnic85, I wish upon you all the Joels, the Britts, the Aarons (and Aarons), the Steves, the Jakes (and Jakes), and Thomases in the world. :D
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
It was a wonder he managed to keep his hands steady for the drive. He could hear Noah’s voice in his head, scolding him about reckless driving, and had to blink a few times to clear his vision. Fear and guilt and anger (he was going to kill Emily for publishing without telling him) bombarded him on all sides, and he didn’t know which was better to react with. They all hurt.
He pressed the redial on his phone, adjusting the earpiece nervously. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he chanted. The second the click in his ear told him someone had, he burst out with words. “Charlene, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it-”
“Stop.” She sounded as hard and brittle as she ever had. “You have a lot of goddamn nerve, Mr. Snyder.”
“I didn’t know it was- Emily printed it without my permission, Charlene, I swear! I didn’t-”
“Did she write it without your permission?” Charlene cut in sharply. “You and I had set up some pretty clear boundaries and agreements when we started this. I didn’t know I was the only one honoring them.”
“No, that’s not-” he was sounding desperate, but that was okay. He was desperate. “It wasn’t even my real article, just something I’d written. It wouldn’t have been in the final draft.”
“What wouldn’t have?” she snapped. “Everything with Noah? Everything you’ve been keeping from me, or outright lying about? You obviously know him, Snyder. You’ve spoken to him, interacted with him. How much did he tell you to keep from me?”
“He doesn’t know!” Luke might have been shouting. “He doesn’t know anything about this.”
Charlene was quiet for half a moment. “Why should I believe you?”
“I don’t know,” he said, hearing the almost tears in his own voice. “I’m on my way to his house right now. He- he didn’t know any of this. He thought I was just-”
“I guess a lot of us were under false pretenses,” her voice went hard again. “If he expects a relationship with me because of this-”
“I don’t care,” his turn to snap. It seemed to shock her into silence, but he couldn’t stop. “You think I want him to reconnect with you now? You don’t love him, not like-” like I do- “like he should be. You abandoned him. The reason he wasn’t at your trial? He’d been in the hospital. Your ex-husband beat him with a baseball bat when he found out Noah was gay. You weren’t there for him, didn’t want to be. Why would I want him around you now?”
“Luke-”
The use of his first name didn’t register. “He would be a great son. I know he would. But he doesn’t want to be, and that’s on you. You could’ve changed that. Now it’s too late. He’s not going to want a relationship with you, Charlene. He’s going to run farther away.”
More silence. “How did you calling me to apologize turn into you calling me to lecture?”
He deflated a little. “I don’t know. But you could-”
“You got your big story, Mr. Snyder. Congratulations. I hope it’s everything you wanted.” Then she hung up.
Luke kept driving. What else could he do? He didn’t look at his hands; he knew they were definitely shaking now.
***
Funny how much he’d hated Noah’s driveway at first. Now he navigated it like a pro, pulling up to the house in record time, parking next to Hunter/Faith’s car.
Faith was sitting on the front steps of the house, anxiously fiddling with her phone. “I don’t- I don’t know what to do,” she said the second he jumped out of the car, sounding so helpless.
His little sister wasn’t ever supposed to sound like that. “He’s inside?”
She nodded. “I think so. He won’t open the door or answer my calls. Luke, he...” she shook her head, eyes begging for anything.
He took a deep breath. “Why don’t you go back to the motel? Let me handle this. If he’s going to yell, it should be at me.”
“No,” she said quietly. “It should be both of us. I’m in this too, Luke. I’m a part of it. I never stopped it from-”
“Really?” a very small voice interrupted them.
Luke whirled around so fast he almost stumbled. “Noah, I...” Noah stood at the open doorway. One hand was flat and controlled at his side, Luke’s paper between two fingers, the other holding the door frame tightly. It was the only thing that looked out of sorts. The rest of him was very still. “I’m so-”
“It’s all true?” Noah asked. His face and voice were both so much like that first time they met right here. Guarded. Untrusting. Robotic.
“I didn’t know they were going to print it, I wasn’t told. My boss just-”
“Not what I asked,” Noah looked at him, but not at him. Just off to the side, like he couldn’t get himself to look all the way. God, it hurt.
He tried to take a deep breath. It only half worked. “I’m a reporter. I was assigned to do a profile on Charlene Wilson. I found out she had a long-lost son, and so I-”
“Not lost,” Noah corrected, way too calm. “Left behind. There’s a difference.”
He heard Faith sniff next to him, but couldn’t look away. “I know. I’m so sorry, Noah, I never meant for this to happen.”
“What did you think would happen? I’d never find out all of this was a trick?” He waved the hand holding the paper at the space between them, and it was so steady.
Luke couldn’t help but take a step forward. “No, it wasn’t a- it’s not like that. Please, let me come in, and we can-”
“And you knew too.” Noah directed his not-gaze towards Faith. “You were in on it.”
She nodded a little, tears threatening to fall. “Noah, I’m-”
He nodded too, backing away from them. “You got your story, then. You should both go. It’s done.”
“No,” Luke protested. “Noah, you have to believe me, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“I ‘have’ to believe you?” Noah shook his head, looking down at his feet. “I don’t ‘have’ to do anything with you. You made me think you actually...” He turned away. “Just go.”
“I do care about you,” he moved to the bottom step, close enough to hear Napoleon in the house, whining and confused. “Please, please let me explain. Both of us, we-”
“Get off my property. Now.” Noah tossed the paper down the steps, pages littering Luke’s feet. His back was now to Luke.
“Noah,” he tried one more time, desperate.
“Luke,” Noah’s voice, so quiet and distant, was spoken over his shoulder. “I don’t ever want to see you again.” He shut the door, Luke could hear the click of the lock sliding firmly into place.
He blinked a few times and turned to Faith. They looked at each other, lost. Defeated. “What do we do?” Faith whispered, tears finally falling.
Luke tried that deep breath thing again, and only managed a shudder. His muscles suddenly hurt all over, like he’d just gone through a seizure. He rubbed at his chest; it hurt there the most. “I...” he shook his head for no reason. Reaching for her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and walked back to their cars. “I don’t know.”
***
Maddie had wisely (of course, Maddie was always wiser than everyone else) invited Faith to spend the night with her in a girl-bonding-thing, which meant he wouldn’t have to worry about her for at least a little while.
Unfortunately, that meant all he had to worry about was Noah. And him and Noah. Suddenly the idea of never seeing or touching him, ever again, was maybe the most painful thing ever. It was enough to have him ripping up his notes from Charlene, throwing away the tape recordings, and sitting alone in his kitchen.
Staring at a bottle of vodka.
He wasn’t completely sure why he had it, he thought maybe it had been part of a housewarming gift from a well-meaning but unaware co-worker. But he’d never thrown it out. For just such an occasion, he told himself.
He had an empty glass in front of him, an empty stomach, and a brain too full. What’s one more mistake in a life of them, right? Everyone was right. He was cursed. This would be the easiest way to fix that for awhile. He reached for the bottle. And then someone knocked on the door.
For a millisecond, he was sure it was Noah. To hear him out or punch him, he actually didn’t care. As long as he could see Noah face to face again. He told himself not to hope, he was never that lucky- And so that part of him wasn’t surprised to see Casey instead. With Hunter right behind him.
“What?” he asked, distantly surprised at the sullenness in his own voice.
“Okay,” Casey leaned in the doorway. “When Maddie invited Faith over for a girls’ night, did you really think I wasn’t on my way here for the same?”
“I don’t want to do a girls’ night, Case,” he said tiredly, turning and heading back into the kitchen.
“Too bad, Snyder,” Casey followed him, leaving Hunter to shut the door. “I’m not gonna braid your hair, but we are gonna talk. As long as we have to. Because... Jesus, is that thing open?” Casey reached past him to snatch up the bottle of vodka. “Are you crazy, you asshole?”
“Casey,” he started to explain, even though he had no idea what he was going to say next.
With Casey, that never mattered. He shoved the bottle into Hunter’s hands. “Dump this out in the sink and throw away the bottle,” he ordered. Hunter scrambled away, and he turned back to Luke. “Living room. Now.”
Luke felt lifeless and listless as he obeyed. Part of him wanted Casey to yell. He needed someone to yell. (Noah hadn’t yelled. Noah had locked his door.) Casey directed him to the couch and sat down next to him. “God, Luke, you can’t,” he shook his head. “You can’t do that. I may not know what you’re going through, and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that.”
“Casey,” his throat was so scratchy. It already felt like he’d drank all the vodka in the world. It weighed down his body, real or not. “In... In some ways, this is worse than last time.”
Casey closed his eyes for a second, remembering how things had been ‘last time.’ The last time he’d lost someone. It had taken Casey, Aaron, and Holden to get him through that. “Worse?” he asked softly.
“I love Noah,” it was the first time he’d said it out loud, and the fact that it wasn’t to Noah felt like a hole ripping through his chest. “More than... than anything. I love him. And I screwed it up. I didn’t lose him to a freak accident, I did this myself. I knew what I was doing and didn’t try to... I caused this. And I didn’t have to.”
“Okay,” Casey still spoke softly, nodding to Hunter as he sat down across from them with some bottles of water. “I’m so sorry. I know you loved- love him. I know it. Anyone with half a brain knows it.” Hunter nodded to prove his point. “We’ll figure something out. Just, promise me you won’t drink. Punch yourself in the face, punch me in the face, just don’t drink.”
The look on his face must have asked ‘why not’ pretty obviously, because even Hunter interpreted it correctly. “Noah loves you too,” he said. “The way Faith described it, he really really does. And it wouldn’t make wh-what he’s going through any easier if you hurt yourself.” Quieter, “It wouldn’t help Faith either.”
That shut him up. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back on the top of the couch. “I just...”
“Can you at least wait until Maddie has the baby?” Casey asked. “Then I’ll be able to drink with you.”
He attempted a laugh, Casey at least deserved that for trying. “I thought I’d prepared myself for this all blowing up in my face. But I didn’t, I guess. Not like this.”
“I, um, feel like I should apologize for that,” Hunter spoke up again. “I didn’t know Emily was going to do that and not tell you. I would have stopped her.”
Both he and Casey laughed this time, at the ideas of Hunter stopping anyone and Emily stopping anything. “I looked into it,” Casey added. “Technically, what she did was legal. Not ethical, of course, but legal. The draft was uploaded and saved on the company server. Company policies, etc etc.”
Luke waved a hand tiredly. “It’s my fault. So much of it is.”
They were quiet for a little while. “Have you tried calling him again?” Casey asked.
He shook his head. “It’s not like he’d pick up.”
“Still,” Casey insisted, almost confused, surprised. “He’d know you’re trying. That you haven’t, you know, given up on him.”
“He probably wants me too,” he argued.
Casey raised an eyebrow. “Of all the things he wants, I’d bet ‘Luke Snyder’ is pretty high up there on the list. Maybe not these circumstances, but dude- if even Hunter knows he loves you, the guy is probably all caught up in your web.”
“Um, hey?” Hunter didn’t seem sure if he’d just been insulted or not.
“Getting caught in my web got him really hurt,” Luke pointed out.
“But how do you know that’s forever?” Casey sat forward, getting intense. “You lost Reid and couldn’t get him back. Are you really going to go the rest of your life not taking this opportunity? To lose someone you love and have the chance to try and be together again?”
Both Hunter and Luke stared at Casey, impressed. “Wow,” Luke added.
Casey blushed a little. “What? Maddie doesn’t love me just for this body, you know.” He shoved lightly at Luke’s shoulder, prodding. “Prove Noah’s history wrong. Don’t give up on him.”
“O-okay,” Luke stuttered. He was suddenly terrified. It was like standing at the foot of a mountain, knowing how daunting the climb would be. But if Noah was the mountain (or the climb, either metaphor worked, Luke told himself), then he needed to take that first step. “I, uh, I think I’m going to go now. To Noah’s.”
“Do you want us to come with you?” Hunter asked seriously.
He almost laughed again. “No, I should do this with him alone. But thanks, Hunter.” He paused then. “Faith really likes goldfish, by the way.”
Hunter froze. “Huh?”
“Goldfish. She really likes them,” he said.
Casey grinned next to him, pushing him towards the door. “Go. Call me at some point, or I’ll bring the cavalry. But go. We’ll show ourselves out.” Luke grabbed his keys, leaving to the sound of Hunter asking Casey where he could buy goldfish.
***
Noah’s front door was still locked, but he could see a light on through one shaded window. And, luckily, he knew where the spare key was. “Noah?” he called out carefully as he let himself in. No answer. But Luke could hear the TV on, and some movement in the living room. “Noah?”
More movement, but it wasn’t Noah who appeared in the foyer. Napoleon bounded forward happily, sniffing and licking at his fingers as always. “Hey buddy,” he murmured, petting. “Nice to see you too.” At least Napoleon didn’t know what was going on. He’d probably bite him if he did. “We have some work to do, huh?”
The old dog whined a little, nudging at Luke’s leg. Luke frowned. He did seem anxious. Following him into the living room quickly, Luke’s worry about being thrown out suddenly disappeared. He froze just inside the entranceway.
Noah was sitting on his couch, facing the TV but not watching whatever was on. His face was still carefully blank. But in his hand was a half-empty bottle of-
Luke didn’t stay still long enough to figure out what type of liquor. “No,” was all he was capable of saying. “No, no, no.” He rushed forward and grabbed the bottle out of Noah’s grip. “No, are you crazy?” (Casey would totally point out the irony right now. Luke just wanted to cry.)
Noah almost seemed startled to see him. “Go away,” he said, voice hoarse.
“You can’t drink!” he sounded like he was begging and so didn’t care. “You shouldn’t- you’ve been sober for seven years, you shouldn’t-”
“It’ll make a great follow up article for you,” Noah smiled, and it was the ugliest smile Luke had ever seen. “If the abandoned son has an overdose, you can write-”
He saw red. Or white. Both. He saw bright, burning colors, and a second later he threw the bottle as hard as he could. It smashed against the wall across from them, glass and liquor spraying all over. Napoleon howled for a second, worried, cowering in the far corner.
But Luke just watched Noah. Noah, who finally reacted, flinching at the sound and looking up at Luke. So small and trying to hide. “Stop.”
“Don’t. You. Dare,” Luke growled, unable to push back the sudden anger. “Don’t even joke about it. Hate me all you want, please, if it makes you feel better. But don’t even joke about- about...” he almost choked, shaking and glaring.
“If it makes me feel better?” Noah stood up, swaying just the tiniest bit. But Luke and Napoleon noticed, the dog doing what Luke couldn’t- standing next to and supporting Noah. “Makes me feel better?” he asked again. “What the hell is supposed to make me feel better?”
“I don’t know,” Luke whispered. He wished he did.
“You used me,” Noah crossed his arms over his chest protectively. “Like everyone does. Get what they need and- and don’t want me anymore. But you, you’re worse than everyone else.”
“Noah,” he tried.
“No. Because you got me to care. You got me to think I- I was someone-” he sat back down heavily. “You got me to love you. I don’t understand why you’d take it that far. You could’ve just slept with me and disappeared. Why didn’t you?”
“Because I couldn’t,” he said, coming in a little closer.
Noah didn’t notice. “You made me tell you things about me no one should know. You- and, and Faith too? You didn’t just pretend you cared, you pretended you loved me.” He dropped his head into his hands.
“I wasn’t pretending that,” Luke confessed, calmer than he thought he’d be. “It wasn’t a plan, Noah. It wasn’t even voluntary. I just love you. I can’t not.”
“I don’t believe you,” he said, muffled, miserable.
“I know,” he stepped up right next to the couch. “You probably shouldn’t. I deserve that. But I’m going to earn it back, I promise you. I’m not giving you up.”
Noah shook for a second, and Luke couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and running a hand through his hair gently. Noah flinched away. “Don’t.”
Luke held his hands up immediately, but didn’t step back. “I can’t leave you, and I can’t let you go.”
“Stop,” Noah said again, but his voice wavered a lot more this time. Napoleon watched them both with sad, worried eyes, tail thumping against the floor as he leaned into Noah, doing what he’d always been taught to do. Steady comfort.
“I-” Luke stopped, started again. “I won’t try to talk to you or touch you tonight if you don’t want me to, but I can’t leave. Especially if you’ve been drinking. It isn’t safe, Noah.”
He still wouldn’t look up. “I don’t think I care,” he admitted.
Luke sat down next to him, as close as he dared. “I do,” he said simply. They stayed where they were, so painfully still, for a long time- minutes ticking away, one old movie on screen ending and another beginning.
Luke finally stood up and went into the kitchen, refilling Napoleon’s bowls, getting a bottle of water for Noah and coffee for himself. He debated making grilled cheese, but didn’t want to fill the house with smoke. Instead he threw together some peanut butter and jelly and headed back to the living room.
Noah had finally moved too. He was lying fully on the couch, one arm curled and covering his head, maybe hiding from Luke, maybe asleep.
Napoleon was stretched out on the floor beside him, watching Luke. “I know, buddy,” he whispered, setting the water and sandwich on the side table. “We’ll figure this out.” He hoped. Napoleon flopped back down and closed his eyes, so Luke hoped he had the dog’s approval.
He laid a blanket over Noah, wanting to kiss his forehead but not wanting to break his earlier promise. He compromised by squeezing his shoulder, rubbing his back for just a moment. Then he cleaned up the mess he’d made (and wasn’t that appropriate), sweeping up the broken bottle, soaking up the liquor that had spilled. His hands almost shook as he threw it away, that smell would always get to him. It would always mean failure to him.
He shoved it defiantly out of his mind, got his coffee, and sat down on the floor next to Napoleon, eyes but not mind on the TV screen. He settled in for the night. He wasn’t going anywhere.
***
Maddie eyed the place skeptically. “Are you sure about this?”
Faith nodded. “I have to try.” After a night of ice cream and crying and hugs and advice, her eyes and mind were a little more clear. Brand new day and all that.
Maddie wasn’t as confident. “I have a feeling one, possibly two, blond oafs might disagree with you.”
She shrugged. “Don’t care.” Hunter had found the address for her this morning. He’d kept trying to bring up fish for some reason too. She filed that away for later thought- maybe ‘fish’ was some nerd-code she didn’t know. But now, right now, she was on a mission.
Leaving Maddie in the car outside, Faith entered the apartment building, smiling sweetly when an old guy held the door open for her. She found apartment 3C and knocked confidently. Her knees were absolutely not shaking. Not at all.
The woman who answered looked nothing like she’d been picturing. Petite and blonde, hard edges and cool. Not Noah.
Except for her eyes. Which narrowed suspiciously at Faith. “No comment,” she started to slam the door.
“No, wait!” Faith tried to stop it from shutting. “Please, I’m not a reporter or a... anything, really.” She was guessing she was out of an assistant job.
Charlene Wilson paused but didn’t exactly soften. “What do you want?”
Faith took a deep breath. “I’m Luke Snyder’s sister.”
“Oh, by all means, come in then,” Charlene snapped. “Is that supposed to be more appealing?”
“Hey, I’m telling you the truth!” she argued.
“You’re the only Snyder who does, then,” Charlene fired back.
Faith didn’t glare, because it was and wasn’t true. “Please, I just want to... I don’t know, apologize on his behalf. He’s suffering because of this too.”
“Because Emily Stewart didn’t let him polish his masterpiece before publishing it for the world to read?” she snorted. “My condolences to him.”
“It’s way more than that. It’s nothing to do with that,” Faith got closer, blocking the door. “He and Noah- they were together. Not just a little bit. For real, head over heels, the both of them. Until this happened.”
Charlene faltered. Just a little. “So much for Snyder not getting involved in his work,” she muttered.
Faith tried to smile. “I know you haven’t met him, but it’s hard not to once you know Noah.”
She flinched. “You met him too?”
“Yeah,” Faith tried not to let herself fidget. “I worked for him. Until...”
“Boy,” Charlene laughed harshly. “When you Snyders screw up, you go all out, don’t you?”
“We go all out in making up for it too,” she replied. “Noah’s more important to Luke than anything. That’s where he is right now.” Casey’s midnight phone call had been awesome and terrifying. So had Luke’s text message update. It felt like they were all waiting for Noah to wake up and do... something.
She focused back on Noah’s mother. “So I’m doing what I can. I’m sorry Luke didn’t tell you everything. I’m sorry he couldn’t let go of what must be a really painful subject for you. I hope everything works out okay for you.” Faith smiled a little awkwardly and turned to leave.
She’d made it five steps when Charlene’s voice called after her. “Wait.”
She turned back, surprised. “Yes?”
Charlene’s door was still open, and now she opened it a little wider. Like maybe an invitation. “Can you... can you tell me a little about Noah?”
Faith smiled and walked in.
***
He didn’t wake up fast or slow, light or heavy. He was just awake. One second asleep and away from the world, the next second awake. He kept still, blinking the blurriness out of his vision, and then almost jumped, startled. A very large, wrinkly, slobbery head was perched on the couch cushion he was lying on, inches from his face. Staring at him.
Noah fought back a groan. “Not now, big guy,” he whispered. His throat was dry, scratchy, burning. A burn he hadn’t felt in... Noah wanted to throw up. That taste in the back of his throat was wrong, more than anything. Ugly. Shameful.
He was a pretty stupid person, wasn’t he? Seven years not even tempted to drink or take anything, and he ruins that because of some guy? It was pathetic. He wished he felt more hungover. Not just sick, but in pain. Some kind of pain, anything. He deserved to feel something like that right now.
The thing was, Noah knew what he eventually had to do. Put his head down and soldier on. Get through this. It was what he did, he soldiered on. He kept working, kept smiling politely at people as he held doors open for them, kept paying his bills on time, kept taking care of his car and his dog, kept on going. Eventually. He knew he’d have to.
But right now, that was too far off. Too hard. Too... Noah ducked his head back down onto the couch cushion, reaching out to pet Napoleon and rub his ears. He didn’t really want to do anything else ever again.
And then there was the sound of footsteps off to the side of the room. And then Luke was standing in the doorway across from him.
They stared at each other for a minute. Noah had to admit, part of him was more than a little surprised that Luke was still there. Why was he? To smooth things over? Make sure Noah wouldn't sue the paper? Make sure he- "How are you feeling?" Luke asked softly, tentatively.
"A lot and empty," he mumbled, surprised at his own honesty. Luke flinched hard but didn't leave. He didn't walk away. Noah's confusion turned to frustration quickly. "Why are you here?"
Luke shoved his hands into his pockets, in a gesture that Noah had once found exceedingly adorable. He bit the inside of his cheek to not react, waiting for whatever Luke's excuse would be this time. "I- I wanted... I needed to see you through the night. Okay? If this is the last time we- if you kick me out and don't want to see me ever again, I needed one last night." He deflated back against the door jamb. "Okay?"
"So this is all up to me?" he tried to keep his voice as even as possible. "That's so nice. That so makes up for lying to me and playing me for... Not even a fool. A cheap date. Sleep with me just so you can-"
"None of this was supposed to happen!" Luke burst out, stepping into the room. "Not me meeting you, not me talking to you or... or falling for you. I swear, Noah, I really-"
"Then why didn't you say anything? You could've told me the truth a thousand times. The Luke I thought I was in love with would have told me anything. You're not that guy," Noah accidentally glared at Napoleon, but that was only because he couldn't get himself to fully look at Luke yet.
Luke was quiet for awhile. Out of the corner of his eye, Noah watched him hesitate, take a few steps closer, hesitate again. “I didn’t lie about me.”
“Yes you did,” Noah pushed himself up and up, sitting on the far end of the couch. He tapped the cushion, and Napoleon immediately jumped up to join him, arranging himself on Noah’s lap. A good barrier.
Luke still came closer anyway. “Okay, about... about that, yeah. I did. I’m so sorry. But what I meant was- about me? The stories I told you, things I like, the things I’m scared of, what I feel about you?” Somehow Luke was sitting on the other end of the couch now, facing him. “Those were- are- all real.”
I don’t know if I can believe you, he wanted to say. “You know me,” he said instead.
“Yeah,” Luke seemed confused, but confirmed it immediately, surely.
It shouldn’t have felt good to hear that. Noah told himself to snap out of it. So he kept talking. “You know I don’t trust people easily.”
“I know,” Luke said. “And I know I was lucky to be one of those people. And I was stupid to throw it away for a story.”
“Charlene,” Noah added. His mother. Alive and well and apparently living nearby. All this time. He wanted to ask Luke so many things. Everything. (He didn’t want to ask her anything.)
“Yeah,” Luke said again. And that was all he said. Despite everything, Noah had to appreciate that.
“How did you see this going when you started... dating me?” he asked.
Luke let out a breath slowly, too soft to be a sigh. “I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. At least not in that way.” He shook his head. “Having the cake, eating it too, etc. etc.”
“I was the cake?” he asked, a little bitterness and a little hysterical humor in his voice.
“No,” Luke admitted softly. “Us together was the cake.” He turned to fully face Noah head on. “I wasn’t playing house with you. It wasn’t a game. I- I’d never disrespect you like that.” He was quiet again. “I don’t usually get the cake, Noah. I wasn’t prepared for this.”
“You can’t act like that makes it okay to lie to me and use what I feel for you to get a story.” Feel? Felt?
“I know,” Luke ran a hand through his hair, unknowingly spiking it up even more. Noah felt another hysterical laugh wind through his chest. He fought it back down. “I’ll tell you I’m sorry for as long as it takes.”
“Takes for what?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking.
Luke blinked, not expecting that question. “I... As long as it takes for you do be okay.” He shrugged. “That sounds stupid. Not that you’re not okay. I just... as long as it takes for you to not be like you were last night.”
Noah swallowed hard. He could still taste the bourbon and couldn’t stop a shudder. “Yeah.”
Luke’s hand on the couch cushion twitched, as though he wanted to reach for Noah, touch him. But he didn’t. “I can maybe live in a world where we’re not together. But I can’t live in a world without you in it.”
His eyes stung suddenly. No, no, no. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to feel anything at hearing that. He didn’t want to know Luke felt that. “What..” he swallowed again. “What did you mean before, when you said you hadn’t thought ahead in that way?”
Luke actually laughed, even though it sounded as hysterical as Noah felt. “I always seem to think I live in a reality where things are supposed to go my way.” Another laugh. “It always pisses me off when that doesn’t happen.” Napoleon stretched his leg out to land on Luke’s lap, startling him, bringing him back to his explanation. “So I never planned for this going wrong. Just right.”
“Right?” Noah felt frozen. He’d be numb if his stupid eyes wouldn’t stop burning.
“You meeting my friends, maybe my family,” Luke finally looked away from him. “Faith working for you- she loves it here, she really does. And- and you and I going to Chicago for dinner, Thai food, remember? And for-” he stopped. “You had me thinking of holidays and birthdays and how I’d fit Napoleon in my apartment when you both stayed over for a weekend.”
“Luke,” Noah protested weakly.
“I’m sorry,” he was shaking as much as Noah. “I’m sorry I let this all get so carried away and hurt you. But, but I don’t know if I can be sorry for the good things that happened between us. Because I love you. I’m not sorry I love you, I just...” he turned just his face towards Noah, shoulders tense. “I’m sorry it’s not enough.”
Noah scrubbed at his face with a hand, trying to will away his pounding headache, his tears. “It’s not that it’s not enough,” he murmured. It’s everything. “I just can’t... I thought things were a certain way. I trusted them to be. And they’re not. I’m not good at- I finally believed in those ‘good things’, Luke. And they were based on a lie. I feel like I’m back at square one and everything’s wrong.”
Luke gave them another minute of silence, catching his breath. “What do you want, Noah? Really want, right here and now?”
He bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth. “You.”
He heard Luke’s sharp inhale. “You do?”
He nodded, still looking down at the dog. “But I don’t know if I can just let you back in. Part of me wants to. A lot. Part of me really believes everything you’ve said.”
“The other part?”
“The other part knows there’s another bottle hidden in my studio.”
“God, Noah,” Luke did reach out then, over Napoleon, and snagged his sleeve. “Where is it?” his voice got steady, firm.
“The freezer, behind the ice trays,” he answered without a fight. Luke’s hand tightened on his sleeve. “That part of me is just waiting for you to leave so I can-”
“No,” Luke shook his arm. “I’ll get rid of it before I go. And I’m not leaving until I know I can.” He didn’t let go of Noah’s arm. Noah didn’t pull away. “Is there, um, someone you can call? A sponsor, or...” he shrugged, a little helpless.
Noah nodded. “Yeah. And I will.” Luke nodded back. Didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away. “I believe you.”
Luke’s head whipped upwards painfully fast. “What?”
“I believe you.” He continued on when Luke looked like he was about to speak. “But right now, it’s not right. We can’t be like we were, not right now. Everything’s upside down for me. And with what happened last night, I need-” he softened his voice. “I need to get everything clear again. I can’t be with you when I do that.”
He expected Luke to argue. “You said for right now,” Luke pointed out carefully instead.
Noah managed to glance at him for just a second before he had to look away again. “I know.”
They were quiet. It was like they had to take time to rest between exchanging words. It was exhausting. Then Luke nodded, just as careful. “That’s more than I can hope for. And I want you to take the time you need. I can wait, I promise. I want...” he stopped to think about his words. “I want you happy.”
“I was happy with you,” Noah whispered.
“Then I’ll wait until I can make you happy again,” he whispered right back.
That voice that had been in Noah’s brain, insisting this was all still just a trick, finally went silent. Noah could breathe a little easier. Of course, that just brought his hangover back full force. He rubbed at his headache again, wincing.
“I made coffee,” Luke noticed the wince. “And toast. Didn’t even burn it. I left it in the kitchen for you.”
He nodded. “Thanks.” More quiet.
Then Luke stood up, stretching sore muscles (he’d stayed there all night, Noah remembered). “I’ll get you some aspirin. You should probably eat first, though. Then I’ll, uh, get out of your way. Just make sure you call your sponsor, okay? I’ll get rid of that other-”
“Luke?” Noah stood up too, wobbling but shooing away Napoleon. Luke turned, stopping mid-ramble. “Be-before you go, could you just, um...” he held out one arm, unsure, unable, unwilling to ask.
But Luke knew. He stepped forward gently, but pulled Noah into his arms fiercely. They leaned into each other, Noahs’ arms shaking for only a second before they wrapped around Luke. He closed his eyes, dropping his face to Luke’s shoulder, feeling Luke do the same. They stayed that way for awhile. Too long or not long enough.
Then Luke pulled back half an inch, maybe less. He kissed Noah’s cheek. “I love you.”
Noah believed him.
***
( So this chapter is too long for LJ, the next part is here!)
Chapter: 4a/4
Author: carolinablu85
Pairing/Characters: Luke/Noah, Faith, Charlene, Casey, Hunter, Maddie, Emily
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,305
Spoilers/Warnings: AU with some canon borrowing, brief mentions of Luke/Other and Noah/Other, very brief very vague mentions of drug use
Summary: Boys are stupid but love each other and love is better than stupidity so maybe this will have a happy ending?
Disclaimer: I disclaim owning anything of merit.
A/N: For jessnic85, I wish upon you all the Joels, the Britts, the Aarons (and Aarons), the Steves, the Jakes (and Jakes), and Thomases in the world. :D
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
It was a wonder he managed to keep his hands steady for the drive. He could hear Noah’s voice in his head, scolding him about reckless driving, and had to blink a few times to clear his vision. Fear and guilt and anger (he was going to kill Emily for publishing without telling him) bombarded him on all sides, and he didn’t know which was better to react with. They all hurt.
He pressed the redial on his phone, adjusting the earpiece nervously. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he chanted. The second the click in his ear told him someone had, he burst out with words. “Charlene, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it-”
“Stop.” She sounded as hard and brittle as she ever had. “You have a lot of goddamn nerve, Mr. Snyder.”
“I didn’t know it was- Emily printed it without my permission, Charlene, I swear! I didn’t-”
“Did she write it without your permission?” Charlene cut in sharply. “You and I had set up some pretty clear boundaries and agreements when we started this. I didn’t know I was the only one honoring them.”
“No, that’s not-” he was sounding desperate, but that was okay. He was desperate. “It wasn’t even my real article, just something I’d written. It wouldn’t have been in the final draft.”
“What wouldn’t have?” she snapped. “Everything with Noah? Everything you’ve been keeping from me, or outright lying about? You obviously know him, Snyder. You’ve spoken to him, interacted with him. How much did he tell you to keep from me?”
“He doesn’t know!” Luke might have been shouting. “He doesn’t know anything about this.”
Charlene was quiet for half a moment. “Why should I believe you?”
“I don’t know,” he said, hearing the almost tears in his own voice. “I’m on my way to his house right now. He- he didn’t know any of this. He thought I was just-”
“I guess a lot of us were under false pretenses,” her voice went hard again. “If he expects a relationship with me because of this-”
“I don’t care,” his turn to snap. It seemed to shock her into silence, but he couldn’t stop. “You think I want him to reconnect with you now? You don’t love him, not like-” like I do- “like he should be. You abandoned him. The reason he wasn’t at your trial? He’d been in the hospital. Your ex-husband beat him with a baseball bat when he found out Noah was gay. You weren’t there for him, didn’t want to be. Why would I want him around you now?”
“Luke-”
The use of his first name didn’t register. “He would be a great son. I know he would. But he doesn’t want to be, and that’s on you. You could’ve changed that. Now it’s too late. He’s not going to want a relationship with you, Charlene. He’s going to run farther away.”
More silence. “How did you calling me to apologize turn into you calling me to lecture?”
He deflated a little. “I don’t know. But you could-”
“You got your big story, Mr. Snyder. Congratulations. I hope it’s everything you wanted.” Then she hung up.
Luke kept driving. What else could he do? He didn’t look at his hands; he knew they were definitely shaking now.
***
Funny how much he’d hated Noah’s driveway at first. Now he navigated it like a pro, pulling up to the house in record time, parking next to Hunter/Faith’s car.
Faith was sitting on the front steps of the house, anxiously fiddling with her phone. “I don’t- I don’t know what to do,” she said the second he jumped out of the car, sounding so helpless.
His little sister wasn’t ever supposed to sound like that. “He’s inside?”
She nodded. “I think so. He won’t open the door or answer my calls. Luke, he...” she shook her head, eyes begging for anything.
He took a deep breath. “Why don’t you go back to the motel? Let me handle this. If he’s going to yell, it should be at me.”
“No,” she said quietly. “It should be both of us. I’m in this too, Luke. I’m a part of it. I never stopped it from-”
“Really?” a very small voice interrupted them.
Luke whirled around so fast he almost stumbled. “Noah, I...” Noah stood at the open doorway. One hand was flat and controlled at his side, Luke’s paper between two fingers, the other holding the door frame tightly. It was the only thing that looked out of sorts. The rest of him was very still. “I’m so-”
“It’s all true?” Noah asked. His face and voice were both so much like that first time they met right here. Guarded. Untrusting. Robotic.
“I didn’t know they were going to print it, I wasn’t told. My boss just-”
“Not what I asked,” Noah looked at him, but not at him. Just off to the side, like he couldn’t get himself to look all the way. God, it hurt.
He tried to take a deep breath. It only half worked. “I’m a reporter. I was assigned to do a profile on Charlene Wilson. I found out she had a long-lost son, and so I-”
“Not lost,” Noah corrected, way too calm. “Left behind. There’s a difference.”
He heard Faith sniff next to him, but couldn’t look away. “I know. I’m so sorry, Noah, I never meant for this to happen.”
“What did you think would happen? I’d never find out all of this was a trick?” He waved the hand holding the paper at the space between them, and it was so steady.
Luke couldn’t help but take a step forward. “No, it wasn’t a- it’s not like that. Please, let me come in, and we can-”
“And you knew too.” Noah directed his not-gaze towards Faith. “You were in on it.”
She nodded a little, tears threatening to fall. “Noah, I’m-”
He nodded too, backing away from them. “You got your story, then. You should both go. It’s done.”
“No,” Luke protested. “Noah, you have to believe me, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“I ‘have’ to believe you?” Noah shook his head, looking down at his feet. “I don’t ‘have’ to do anything with you. You made me think you actually...” He turned away. “Just go.”
“I do care about you,” he moved to the bottom step, close enough to hear Napoleon in the house, whining and confused. “Please, please let me explain. Both of us, we-”
“Get off my property. Now.” Noah tossed the paper down the steps, pages littering Luke’s feet. His back was now to Luke.
“Noah,” he tried one more time, desperate.
“Luke,” Noah’s voice, so quiet and distant, was spoken over his shoulder. “I don’t ever want to see you again.” He shut the door, Luke could hear the click of the lock sliding firmly into place.
He blinked a few times and turned to Faith. They looked at each other, lost. Defeated. “What do we do?” Faith whispered, tears finally falling.
Luke tried that deep breath thing again, and only managed a shudder. His muscles suddenly hurt all over, like he’d just gone through a seizure. He rubbed at his chest; it hurt there the most. “I...” he shook his head for no reason. Reaching for her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and walked back to their cars. “I don’t know.”
***
Maddie had wisely (of course, Maddie was always wiser than everyone else) invited Faith to spend the night with her in a girl-bonding-thing, which meant he wouldn’t have to worry about her for at least a little while.
Unfortunately, that meant all he had to worry about was Noah. And him and Noah. Suddenly the idea of never seeing or touching him, ever again, was maybe the most painful thing ever. It was enough to have him ripping up his notes from Charlene, throwing away the tape recordings, and sitting alone in his kitchen.
Staring at a bottle of vodka.
He wasn’t completely sure why he had it, he thought maybe it had been part of a housewarming gift from a well-meaning but unaware co-worker. But he’d never thrown it out. For just such an occasion, he told himself.
He had an empty glass in front of him, an empty stomach, and a brain too full. What’s one more mistake in a life of them, right? Everyone was right. He was cursed. This would be the easiest way to fix that for awhile. He reached for the bottle. And then someone knocked on the door.
For a millisecond, he was sure it was Noah. To hear him out or punch him, he actually didn’t care. As long as he could see Noah face to face again. He told himself not to hope, he was never that lucky- And so that part of him wasn’t surprised to see Casey instead. With Hunter right behind him.
“What?” he asked, distantly surprised at the sullenness in his own voice.
“Okay,” Casey leaned in the doorway. “When Maddie invited Faith over for a girls’ night, did you really think I wasn’t on my way here for the same?”
“I don’t want to do a girls’ night, Case,” he said tiredly, turning and heading back into the kitchen.
“Too bad, Snyder,” Casey followed him, leaving Hunter to shut the door. “I’m not gonna braid your hair, but we are gonna talk. As long as we have to. Because... Jesus, is that thing open?” Casey reached past him to snatch up the bottle of vodka. “Are you crazy, you asshole?”
“Casey,” he started to explain, even though he had no idea what he was going to say next.
With Casey, that never mattered. He shoved the bottle into Hunter’s hands. “Dump this out in the sink and throw away the bottle,” he ordered. Hunter scrambled away, and he turned back to Luke. “Living room. Now.”
Luke felt lifeless and listless as he obeyed. Part of him wanted Casey to yell. He needed someone to yell. (Noah hadn’t yelled. Noah had locked his door.) Casey directed him to the couch and sat down next to him. “God, Luke, you can’t,” he shook his head. “You can’t do that. I may not know what you’re going through, and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that.”
“Casey,” his throat was so scratchy. It already felt like he’d drank all the vodka in the world. It weighed down his body, real or not. “In... In some ways, this is worse than last time.”
Casey closed his eyes for a second, remembering how things had been ‘last time.’ The last time he’d lost someone. It had taken Casey, Aaron, and Holden to get him through that. “Worse?” he asked softly.
“I love Noah,” it was the first time he’d said it out loud, and the fact that it wasn’t to Noah felt like a hole ripping through his chest. “More than... than anything. I love him. And I screwed it up. I didn’t lose him to a freak accident, I did this myself. I knew what I was doing and didn’t try to... I caused this. And I didn’t have to.”
“Okay,” Casey still spoke softly, nodding to Hunter as he sat down across from them with some bottles of water. “I’m so sorry. I know you loved- love him. I know it. Anyone with half a brain knows it.” Hunter nodded to prove his point. “We’ll figure something out. Just, promise me you won’t drink. Punch yourself in the face, punch me in the face, just don’t drink.”
The look on his face must have asked ‘why not’ pretty obviously, because even Hunter interpreted it correctly. “Noah loves you too,” he said. “The way Faith described it, he really really does. And it wouldn’t make wh-what he’s going through any easier if you hurt yourself.” Quieter, “It wouldn’t help Faith either.”
That shut him up. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back on the top of the couch. “I just...”
“Can you at least wait until Maddie has the baby?” Casey asked. “Then I’ll be able to drink with you.”
He attempted a laugh, Casey at least deserved that for trying. “I thought I’d prepared myself for this all blowing up in my face. But I didn’t, I guess. Not like this.”
“I, um, feel like I should apologize for that,” Hunter spoke up again. “I didn’t know Emily was going to do that and not tell you. I would have stopped her.”
Both he and Casey laughed this time, at the ideas of Hunter stopping anyone and Emily stopping anything. “I looked into it,” Casey added. “Technically, what she did was legal. Not ethical, of course, but legal. The draft was uploaded and saved on the company server. Company policies, etc etc.”
Luke waved a hand tiredly. “It’s my fault. So much of it is.”
They were quiet for a little while. “Have you tried calling him again?” Casey asked.
He shook his head. “It’s not like he’d pick up.”
“Still,” Casey insisted, almost confused, surprised. “He’d know you’re trying. That you haven’t, you know, given up on him.”
“He probably wants me too,” he argued.
Casey raised an eyebrow. “Of all the things he wants, I’d bet ‘Luke Snyder’ is pretty high up there on the list. Maybe not these circumstances, but dude- if even Hunter knows he loves you, the guy is probably all caught up in your web.”
“Um, hey?” Hunter didn’t seem sure if he’d just been insulted or not.
“Getting caught in my web got him really hurt,” Luke pointed out.
“But how do you know that’s forever?” Casey sat forward, getting intense. “You lost Reid and couldn’t get him back. Are you really going to go the rest of your life not taking this opportunity? To lose someone you love and have the chance to try and be together again?”
Both Hunter and Luke stared at Casey, impressed. “Wow,” Luke added.
Casey blushed a little. “What? Maddie doesn’t love me just for this body, you know.” He shoved lightly at Luke’s shoulder, prodding. “Prove Noah’s history wrong. Don’t give up on him.”
“O-okay,” Luke stuttered. He was suddenly terrified. It was like standing at the foot of a mountain, knowing how daunting the climb would be. But if Noah was the mountain (or the climb, either metaphor worked, Luke told himself), then he needed to take that first step. “I, uh, I think I’m going to go now. To Noah’s.”
“Do you want us to come with you?” Hunter asked seriously.
He almost laughed again. “No, I should do this with him alone. But thanks, Hunter.” He paused then. “Faith really likes goldfish, by the way.”
Hunter froze. “Huh?”
“Goldfish. She really likes them,” he said.
Casey grinned next to him, pushing him towards the door. “Go. Call me at some point, or I’ll bring the cavalry. But go. We’ll show ourselves out.” Luke grabbed his keys, leaving to the sound of Hunter asking Casey where he could buy goldfish.
***
Noah’s front door was still locked, but he could see a light on through one shaded window. And, luckily, he knew where the spare key was. “Noah?” he called out carefully as he let himself in. No answer. But Luke could hear the TV on, and some movement in the living room. “Noah?”
More movement, but it wasn’t Noah who appeared in the foyer. Napoleon bounded forward happily, sniffing and licking at his fingers as always. “Hey buddy,” he murmured, petting. “Nice to see you too.” At least Napoleon didn’t know what was going on. He’d probably bite him if he did. “We have some work to do, huh?”
The old dog whined a little, nudging at Luke’s leg. Luke frowned. He did seem anxious. Following him into the living room quickly, Luke’s worry about being thrown out suddenly disappeared. He froze just inside the entranceway.
Noah was sitting on his couch, facing the TV but not watching whatever was on. His face was still carefully blank. But in his hand was a half-empty bottle of-
Luke didn’t stay still long enough to figure out what type of liquor. “No,” was all he was capable of saying. “No, no, no.” He rushed forward and grabbed the bottle out of Noah’s grip. “No, are you crazy?” (Casey would totally point out the irony right now. Luke just wanted to cry.)
Noah almost seemed startled to see him. “Go away,” he said, voice hoarse.
“You can’t drink!” he sounded like he was begging and so didn’t care. “You shouldn’t- you’ve been sober for seven years, you shouldn’t-”
“It’ll make a great follow up article for you,” Noah smiled, and it was the ugliest smile Luke had ever seen. “If the abandoned son has an overdose, you can write-”
He saw red. Or white. Both. He saw bright, burning colors, and a second later he threw the bottle as hard as he could. It smashed against the wall across from them, glass and liquor spraying all over. Napoleon howled for a second, worried, cowering in the far corner.
But Luke just watched Noah. Noah, who finally reacted, flinching at the sound and looking up at Luke. So small and trying to hide. “Stop.”
“Don’t. You. Dare,” Luke growled, unable to push back the sudden anger. “Don’t even joke about it. Hate me all you want, please, if it makes you feel better. But don’t even joke about- about...” he almost choked, shaking and glaring.
“If it makes me feel better?” Noah stood up, swaying just the tiniest bit. But Luke and Napoleon noticed, the dog doing what Luke couldn’t- standing next to and supporting Noah. “Makes me feel better?” he asked again. “What the hell is supposed to make me feel better?”
“I don’t know,” Luke whispered. He wished he did.
“You used me,” Noah crossed his arms over his chest protectively. “Like everyone does. Get what they need and- and don’t want me anymore. But you, you’re worse than everyone else.”
“Noah,” he tried.
“No. Because you got me to care. You got me to think I- I was someone-” he sat back down heavily. “You got me to love you. I don’t understand why you’d take it that far. You could’ve just slept with me and disappeared. Why didn’t you?”
“Because I couldn’t,” he said, coming in a little closer.
Noah didn’t notice. “You made me tell you things about me no one should know. You- and, and Faith too? You didn’t just pretend you cared, you pretended you loved me.” He dropped his head into his hands.
“I wasn’t pretending that,” Luke confessed, calmer than he thought he’d be. “It wasn’t a plan, Noah. It wasn’t even voluntary. I just love you. I can’t not.”
“I don’t believe you,” he said, muffled, miserable.
“I know,” he stepped up right next to the couch. “You probably shouldn’t. I deserve that. But I’m going to earn it back, I promise you. I’m not giving you up.”
Noah shook for a second, and Luke couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and running a hand through his hair gently. Noah flinched away. “Don’t.”
Luke held his hands up immediately, but didn’t step back. “I can’t leave you, and I can’t let you go.”
“Stop,” Noah said again, but his voice wavered a lot more this time. Napoleon watched them both with sad, worried eyes, tail thumping against the floor as he leaned into Noah, doing what he’d always been taught to do. Steady comfort.
“I-” Luke stopped, started again. “I won’t try to talk to you or touch you tonight if you don’t want me to, but I can’t leave. Especially if you’ve been drinking. It isn’t safe, Noah.”
He still wouldn’t look up. “I don’t think I care,” he admitted.
Luke sat down next to him, as close as he dared. “I do,” he said simply. They stayed where they were, so painfully still, for a long time- minutes ticking away, one old movie on screen ending and another beginning.
Luke finally stood up and went into the kitchen, refilling Napoleon’s bowls, getting a bottle of water for Noah and coffee for himself. He debated making grilled cheese, but didn’t want to fill the house with smoke. Instead he threw together some peanut butter and jelly and headed back to the living room.
Noah had finally moved too. He was lying fully on the couch, one arm curled and covering his head, maybe hiding from Luke, maybe asleep.
Napoleon was stretched out on the floor beside him, watching Luke. “I know, buddy,” he whispered, setting the water and sandwich on the side table. “We’ll figure this out.” He hoped. Napoleon flopped back down and closed his eyes, so Luke hoped he had the dog’s approval.
He laid a blanket over Noah, wanting to kiss his forehead but not wanting to break his earlier promise. He compromised by squeezing his shoulder, rubbing his back for just a moment. Then he cleaned up the mess he’d made (and wasn’t that appropriate), sweeping up the broken bottle, soaking up the liquor that had spilled. His hands almost shook as he threw it away, that smell would always get to him. It would always mean failure to him.
He shoved it defiantly out of his mind, got his coffee, and sat down on the floor next to Napoleon, eyes but not mind on the TV screen. He settled in for the night. He wasn’t going anywhere.
***
Maddie eyed the place skeptically. “Are you sure about this?”
Faith nodded. “I have to try.” After a night of ice cream and crying and hugs and advice, her eyes and mind were a little more clear. Brand new day and all that.
Maddie wasn’t as confident. “I have a feeling one, possibly two, blond oafs might disagree with you.”
She shrugged. “Don’t care.” Hunter had found the address for her this morning. He’d kept trying to bring up fish for some reason too. She filed that away for later thought- maybe ‘fish’ was some nerd-code she didn’t know. But now, right now, she was on a mission.
Leaving Maddie in the car outside, Faith entered the apartment building, smiling sweetly when an old guy held the door open for her. She found apartment 3C and knocked confidently. Her knees were absolutely not shaking. Not at all.
The woman who answered looked nothing like she’d been picturing. Petite and blonde, hard edges and cool. Not Noah.
Except for her eyes. Which narrowed suspiciously at Faith. “No comment,” she started to slam the door.
“No, wait!” Faith tried to stop it from shutting. “Please, I’m not a reporter or a... anything, really.” She was guessing she was out of an assistant job.
Charlene Wilson paused but didn’t exactly soften. “What do you want?”
Faith took a deep breath. “I’m Luke Snyder’s sister.”
“Oh, by all means, come in then,” Charlene snapped. “Is that supposed to be more appealing?”
“Hey, I’m telling you the truth!” she argued.
“You’re the only Snyder who does, then,” Charlene fired back.
Faith didn’t glare, because it was and wasn’t true. “Please, I just want to... I don’t know, apologize on his behalf. He’s suffering because of this too.”
“Because Emily Stewart didn’t let him polish his masterpiece before publishing it for the world to read?” she snorted. “My condolences to him.”
“It’s way more than that. It’s nothing to do with that,” Faith got closer, blocking the door. “He and Noah- they were together. Not just a little bit. For real, head over heels, the both of them. Until this happened.”
Charlene faltered. Just a little. “So much for Snyder not getting involved in his work,” she muttered.
Faith tried to smile. “I know you haven’t met him, but it’s hard not to once you know Noah.”
She flinched. “You met him too?”
“Yeah,” Faith tried not to let herself fidget. “I worked for him. Until...”
“Boy,” Charlene laughed harshly. “When you Snyders screw up, you go all out, don’t you?”
“We go all out in making up for it too,” she replied. “Noah’s more important to Luke than anything. That’s where he is right now.” Casey’s midnight phone call had been awesome and terrifying. So had Luke’s text message update. It felt like they were all waiting for Noah to wake up and do... something.
She focused back on Noah’s mother. “So I’m doing what I can. I’m sorry Luke didn’t tell you everything. I’m sorry he couldn’t let go of what must be a really painful subject for you. I hope everything works out okay for you.” Faith smiled a little awkwardly and turned to leave.
She’d made it five steps when Charlene’s voice called after her. “Wait.”
She turned back, surprised. “Yes?”
Charlene’s door was still open, and now she opened it a little wider. Like maybe an invitation. “Can you... can you tell me a little about Noah?”
Faith smiled and walked in.
***
He didn’t wake up fast or slow, light or heavy. He was just awake. One second asleep and away from the world, the next second awake. He kept still, blinking the blurriness out of his vision, and then almost jumped, startled. A very large, wrinkly, slobbery head was perched on the couch cushion he was lying on, inches from his face. Staring at him.
Noah fought back a groan. “Not now, big guy,” he whispered. His throat was dry, scratchy, burning. A burn he hadn’t felt in... Noah wanted to throw up. That taste in the back of his throat was wrong, more than anything. Ugly. Shameful.
He was a pretty stupid person, wasn’t he? Seven years not even tempted to drink or take anything, and he ruins that because of some guy? It was pathetic. He wished he felt more hungover. Not just sick, but in pain. Some kind of pain, anything. He deserved to feel something like that right now.
The thing was, Noah knew what he eventually had to do. Put his head down and soldier on. Get through this. It was what he did, he soldiered on. He kept working, kept smiling politely at people as he held doors open for them, kept paying his bills on time, kept taking care of his car and his dog, kept on going. Eventually. He knew he’d have to.
But right now, that was too far off. Too hard. Too... Noah ducked his head back down onto the couch cushion, reaching out to pet Napoleon and rub his ears. He didn’t really want to do anything else ever again.
And then there was the sound of footsteps off to the side of the room. And then Luke was standing in the doorway across from him.
They stared at each other for a minute. Noah had to admit, part of him was more than a little surprised that Luke was still there. Why was he? To smooth things over? Make sure Noah wouldn't sue the paper? Make sure he- "How are you feeling?" Luke asked softly, tentatively.
"A lot and empty," he mumbled, surprised at his own honesty. Luke flinched hard but didn't leave. He didn't walk away. Noah's confusion turned to frustration quickly. "Why are you here?"
Luke shoved his hands into his pockets, in a gesture that Noah had once found exceedingly adorable. He bit the inside of his cheek to not react, waiting for whatever Luke's excuse would be this time. "I- I wanted... I needed to see you through the night. Okay? If this is the last time we- if you kick me out and don't want to see me ever again, I needed one last night." He deflated back against the door jamb. "Okay?"
"So this is all up to me?" he tried to keep his voice as even as possible. "That's so nice. That so makes up for lying to me and playing me for... Not even a fool. A cheap date. Sleep with me just so you can-"
"None of this was supposed to happen!" Luke burst out, stepping into the room. "Not me meeting you, not me talking to you or... or falling for you. I swear, Noah, I really-"
"Then why didn't you say anything? You could've told me the truth a thousand times. The Luke I thought I was in love with would have told me anything. You're not that guy," Noah accidentally glared at Napoleon, but that was only because he couldn't get himself to fully look at Luke yet.
Luke was quiet for awhile. Out of the corner of his eye, Noah watched him hesitate, take a few steps closer, hesitate again. “I didn’t lie about me.”
“Yes you did,” Noah pushed himself up and up, sitting on the far end of the couch. He tapped the cushion, and Napoleon immediately jumped up to join him, arranging himself on Noah’s lap. A good barrier.
Luke still came closer anyway. “Okay, about... about that, yeah. I did. I’m so sorry. But what I meant was- about me? The stories I told you, things I like, the things I’m scared of, what I feel about you?” Somehow Luke was sitting on the other end of the couch now, facing him. “Those were- are- all real.”
I don’t know if I can believe you, he wanted to say. “You know me,” he said instead.
“Yeah,” Luke seemed confused, but confirmed it immediately, surely.
It shouldn’t have felt good to hear that. Noah told himself to snap out of it. So he kept talking. “You know I don’t trust people easily.”
“I know,” Luke said. “And I know I was lucky to be one of those people. And I was stupid to throw it away for a story.”
“Charlene,” Noah added. His mother. Alive and well and apparently living nearby. All this time. He wanted to ask Luke so many things. Everything. (He didn’t want to ask her anything.)
“Yeah,” Luke said again. And that was all he said. Despite everything, Noah had to appreciate that.
“How did you see this going when you started... dating me?” he asked.
Luke let out a breath slowly, too soft to be a sigh. “I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. At least not in that way.” He shook his head. “Having the cake, eating it too, etc. etc.”
“I was the cake?” he asked, a little bitterness and a little hysterical humor in his voice.
“No,” Luke admitted softly. “Us together was the cake.” He turned to fully face Noah head on. “I wasn’t playing house with you. It wasn’t a game. I- I’d never disrespect you like that.” He was quiet again. “I don’t usually get the cake, Noah. I wasn’t prepared for this.”
“You can’t act like that makes it okay to lie to me and use what I feel for you to get a story.” Feel? Felt?
“I know,” Luke ran a hand through his hair, unknowingly spiking it up even more. Noah felt another hysterical laugh wind through his chest. He fought it back down. “I’ll tell you I’m sorry for as long as it takes.”
“Takes for what?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking.
Luke blinked, not expecting that question. “I... As long as it takes for you do be okay.” He shrugged. “That sounds stupid. Not that you’re not okay. I just... as long as it takes for you to not be like you were last night.”
Noah swallowed hard. He could still taste the bourbon and couldn’t stop a shudder. “Yeah.”
Luke’s hand on the couch cushion twitched, as though he wanted to reach for Noah, touch him. But he didn’t. “I can maybe live in a world where we’re not together. But I can’t live in a world without you in it.”
His eyes stung suddenly. No, no, no. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to feel anything at hearing that. He didn’t want to know Luke felt that. “What..” he swallowed again. “What did you mean before, when you said you hadn’t thought ahead in that way?”
Luke actually laughed, even though it sounded as hysterical as Noah felt. “I always seem to think I live in a reality where things are supposed to go my way.” Another laugh. “It always pisses me off when that doesn’t happen.” Napoleon stretched his leg out to land on Luke’s lap, startling him, bringing him back to his explanation. “So I never planned for this going wrong. Just right.”
“Right?” Noah felt frozen. He’d be numb if his stupid eyes wouldn’t stop burning.
“You meeting my friends, maybe my family,” Luke finally looked away from him. “Faith working for you- she loves it here, she really does. And- and you and I going to Chicago for dinner, Thai food, remember? And for-” he stopped. “You had me thinking of holidays and birthdays and how I’d fit Napoleon in my apartment when you both stayed over for a weekend.”
“Luke,” Noah protested weakly.
“I’m sorry,” he was shaking as much as Noah. “I’m sorry I let this all get so carried away and hurt you. But, but I don’t know if I can be sorry for the good things that happened between us. Because I love you. I’m not sorry I love you, I just...” he turned just his face towards Noah, shoulders tense. “I’m sorry it’s not enough.”
Noah scrubbed at his face with a hand, trying to will away his pounding headache, his tears. “It’s not that it’s not enough,” he murmured. It’s everything. “I just can’t... I thought things were a certain way. I trusted them to be. And they’re not. I’m not good at- I finally believed in those ‘good things’, Luke. And they were based on a lie. I feel like I’m back at square one and everything’s wrong.”
Luke gave them another minute of silence, catching his breath. “What do you want, Noah? Really want, right here and now?”
He bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth. “You.”
He heard Luke’s sharp inhale. “You do?”
He nodded, still looking down at the dog. “But I don’t know if I can just let you back in. Part of me wants to. A lot. Part of me really believes everything you’ve said.”
“The other part?”
“The other part knows there’s another bottle hidden in my studio.”
“God, Noah,” Luke did reach out then, over Napoleon, and snagged his sleeve. “Where is it?” his voice got steady, firm.
“The freezer, behind the ice trays,” he answered without a fight. Luke’s hand tightened on his sleeve. “That part of me is just waiting for you to leave so I can-”
“No,” Luke shook his arm. “I’ll get rid of it before I go. And I’m not leaving until I know I can.” He didn’t let go of Noah’s arm. Noah didn’t pull away. “Is there, um, someone you can call? A sponsor, or...” he shrugged, a little helpless.
Noah nodded. “Yeah. And I will.” Luke nodded back. Didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away. “I believe you.”
Luke’s head whipped upwards painfully fast. “What?”
“I believe you.” He continued on when Luke looked like he was about to speak. “But right now, it’s not right. We can’t be like we were, not right now. Everything’s upside down for me. And with what happened last night, I need-” he softened his voice. “I need to get everything clear again. I can’t be with you when I do that.”
He expected Luke to argue. “You said for right now,” Luke pointed out carefully instead.
Noah managed to glance at him for just a second before he had to look away again. “I know.”
They were quiet. It was like they had to take time to rest between exchanging words. It was exhausting. Then Luke nodded, just as careful. “That’s more than I can hope for. And I want you to take the time you need. I can wait, I promise. I want...” he stopped to think about his words. “I want you happy.”
“I was happy with you,” Noah whispered.
“Then I’ll wait until I can make you happy again,” he whispered right back.
That voice that had been in Noah’s brain, insisting this was all still just a trick, finally went silent. Noah could breathe a little easier. Of course, that just brought his hangover back full force. He rubbed at his headache again, wincing.
“I made coffee,” Luke noticed the wince. “And toast. Didn’t even burn it. I left it in the kitchen for you.”
He nodded. “Thanks.” More quiet.
Then Luke stood up, stretching sore muscles (he’d stayed there all night, Noah remembered). “I’ll get you some aspirin. You should probably eat first, though. Then I’ll, uh, get out of your way. Just make sure you call your sponsor, okay? I’ll get rid of that other-”
“Luke?” Noah stood up too, wobbling but shooing away Napoleon. Luke turned, stopping mid-ramble. “Be-before you go, could you just, um...” he held out one arm, unsure, unable, unwilling to ask.
But Luke knew. He stepped forward gently, but pulled Noah into his arms fiercely. They leaned into each other, Noahs’ arms shaking for only a second before they wrapped around Luke. He closed his eyes, dropping his face to Luke’s shoulder, feeling Luke do the same. They stayed that way for awhile. Too long or not long enough.
Then Luke pulled back half an inch, maybe less. He kissed Noah’s cheek. “I love you.”
Noah believed him.
***
( So this chapter is too long for LJ, the next part is here!)