(no subject)
so, I keep going back and forth in my thinking. Part of me wants to just sit here and wait.. But the majority knows I can't and that I shouldnt let myself.
And part of me says " Just pretend like you dont need him, dont call him, dont see him.. just leave him out of your life for a while, and maybe he'll realize what he's missing" and part of me just wants to say "fuck it. i dont need that shit in my life"
And lately Ive been at the "fuck it" stage.. And then something comes up that reminds me how much I love him, and what was supposed to (apparently) happen over Christmas..
And I just dont know what to do.. I know I should just leave him alone, regardless what I choose to do. He needs his space. But its hard cause Im so used to having him there to call and talk to and hang out with.. But i guess I need to get over that soon anyway..
And for as much as I say i cant wait.. I know damn well that part of me will always be waiting.. like.. hell.. i'll be in Miami dating some really nice, hot, rich guy and Curtis will call me up and say "baby im sorry.. i made a mistake" and I'll go back in a heartbeat..
And i hate that Id actually do that, cause it shows Im weak.. and im strong. But i guess Im not strong when it comes to shit like this... this Love shit....
I don't know.. Im just going to leave him alone for a while. It'll be the best for the both of us..
Anyway- school is ending soon.. and I don't know how i feel about that.. excited cause it'll be over.. but at the same time... im sad.. All my childhood years are coming to an end officially. and part of me is so ready to "grow up" but at the same time.. I want to hang onto childhood. Im excited about moving away, but at the same time.. Im scared and dont want to move.. I'll know no one.. and I don't want to leave my friend's that are here..
I don't know.. My emotions are all screwy right now..
BLECKKKKKKKKKK
Edit: i just watched thursday's episode of Greys Anatomy.. and the narration at the end applies to me..
"in some ways, betrayal is inevitable,
our bodys betray us. surgery is often the key to recovery.
When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear.
we do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost.
and then there are some wounds, some betrayals, that are so deep..so profound,t
hat theres no way to repair what was lost.
and when that happens..theres nothing left to do..but wait.
And part of me says " Just pretend like you dont need him, dont call him, dont see him.. just leave him out of your life for a while, and maybe he'll realize what he's missing" and part of me just wants to say "fuck it. i dont need that shit in my life"
And lately Ive been at the "fuck it" stage.. And then something comes up that reminds me how much I love him, and what was supposed to (apparently) happen over Christmas..
And I just dont know what to do.. I know I should just leave him alone, regardless what I choose to do. He needs his space. But its hard cause Im so used to having him there to call and talk to and hang out with.. But i guess I need to get over that soon anyway..
And for as much as I say i cant wait.. I know damn well that part of me will always be waiting.. like.. hell.. i'll be in Miami dating some really nice, hot, rich guy and Curtis will call me up and say "baby im sorry.. i made a mistake" and I'll go back in a heartbeat..
And i hate that Id actually do that, cause it shows Im weak.. and im strong. But i guess Im not strong when it comes to shit like this... this Love shit....
I don't know.. Im just going to leave him alone for a while. It'll be the best for the both of us..
Anyway- school is ending soon.. and I don't know how i feel about that.. excited cause it'll be over.. but at the same time... im sad.. All my childhood years are coming to an end officially. and part of me is so ready to "grow up" but at the same time.. I want to hang onto childhood. Im excited about moving away, but at the same time.. Im scared and dont want to move.. I'll know no one.. and I don't want to leave my friend's that are here..
I don't know.. My emotions are all screwy right now..
BLECKKKKKKKKKK
Edit: i just watched thursday's episode of Greys Anatomy.. and the narration at the end applies to me..
"in some ways, betrayal is inevitable,
our bodys betray us. surgery is often the key to recovery.
When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear.
we do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost.
and then there are some wounds, some betrayals, that are so deep..so profound,t
hat theres no way to repair what was lost.
and when that happens..theres nothing left to do..but wait.