I want to be okay
As much as I enjoy being single - and I really have learned to - the only time I start to get depressed about it is when I think it could be forever. And when I say that, I actually believe it. I actually believe my last relationship could be the end of my dating cycle. I remember telling this to my most recent ex, and he thought I was just being melodramatic because I was upset. But deep down, no, I actually believed he would be the last man I ever dated. I was just so... done.
I have always been in serious relationships. I am not a short-term dater. If I start dating someone, it is because I am serious about them and they are serious about me. Three exes ago, I thought I was getting married because our relationship had lasted seven years. I guess I should have known at the time if he had not proposed after seven years, he was never going to no matter how much we talked about it. After we broke up, he married the next woman he dated. Two exes ago, I thought we could be headed for marriage but geographical distance got in the way. He married the next woman he dated. And my latest ex... I definitely thought I was getting married. And this time was different because it was the first time I had absolutely no fear about getting married or moving in together even though I had never done either. I actually felt excitement when I thought about those things, and I actually thought it would work. The end of that relationship was the most devastating yet, for these reasons among many others. Out of everyone I have dated, before and after that seven-year ex, I really thought he was the one. I was messed up for two full years after he broke my heart, after I came home after work to an apartment cleared of his things (a month before he was supposed to move in) and him telling me out of nowhere he wanted to end it. To this day I still have no idea why. I have never been caught so off guard, and I have never been so forcefully separated from someone I was completely and utterly in love with. And of course... he married the next woman he dated. He proposed to her in one of our favourite places in the city, in the area we wanted to move to. Because all of my hurt had turned to anger by then, I did not think I would be so affected by the news. But I was. More so than I led people to think. More so than I ever want him to know about (and we have had no contact since our break-up so I guess he never will).
I have never been somebody's "one." And when I think about that, it does depress me and it is what leads me to think it will never happen for me. I have always been someone's layover on the way to marriage. And now everyone, all of my peers and all of my friends, are married, most with children. And I am still sitting here wondering where it all went wrong. It is painful to be the last one when I always thought I would be the first one. All my friends thought I would be the first to get married because of my serious relationship(s). And now I am sitting here writing this being the absolute last. How did that happen?
I want to be okay when I think about being single for the rest of my days. While part of me is okay with it, the other part is definitely not... the part that is just innate for all women, especially monogamous women with a lot of love to give who have never given it to the right, deserving people who have loved her the same way. That part of me is in so much pain. That part of me aches.