I am done now
Sometimes I really have no idea what the point is. Excuse me for playing victim, but I feel like I spend most of my life not getting what I deserve or having my character and appearance assassinated. I feel like I am constantly defending myself or trying to explain myself. I feel like there are too many people who want to fill the position of tearing me down and insulting me. People I barely know feel entitled to fill it, especially lately. But you know, that position was filled a long time ago. It was filled by my father and I can barely take his constant criticism, forget everyone else's. Somehow, I have ended up in the exact place I was when I was thirteen: depressed, unmotivated, resentful and completely hating myself. This downward spiral looks and feels so familiar. I am back here for different reasons this time, but regardless--the feelings are almost identical. I am getting the nagging feeling that I need help.
You know what I hate most? Even when I am having a good day, someone or something has to ruin it. I can never just have a great day. I can never just feel good. At some point, before twenty-four hours is up, something ruins it. Always, no exaggeration. I am constantly asking people, "Why are you trying to spoil my mood?" Whenever I am happy, I have to be punished. I know that is not actually how life is, but that is what it feels like to me.
Somehow, after I lost my job (this time around), things fell apart. My relationship, my few friendships (which have dwindled down to one), my motivation, my self-esteem. Everything that could possibly go wrong has. Oh, sure, things could be worse. They can always be worse. But as for the things I had, say, last year... compared to what I have now... all of that has gone wrong. Everything has withered away into nothingness. I fooled myself into thinking the people in my life actually cared about me, and that was my biggest mistake. How on earth, after the life I have had, could I have let my guard down? It always amazes me how forgiving I am and how many chances I am willing to give people. I have no idea how I got to be this way. On the one hand, it is nice to possess such qualities. On the other hand, I put up with too much.
Sometimes I rant to an online friend I have who does not know me all that well, and he is always so confused when I tell him the things that other people say to me. "These people are your friends?" he will ask. And I step back and ask myself the same question. I am confused too. For example, if you are dating me, why are you calling me a 'fucking liar,' a child, chickenshit, an emotional blackmailer and a manipulator? Or if I am your daughter, what the hell are you doing telling me I am "lucky" there are men who will date me and that I make it hard to love me? Or if I am your niece, what are you doing saying I am not a strong person? If you are my friend, what are you doing ending the friendship without so much as a goodbye or explanation? If you are my friend, why do you never call and rely on pointless Facebook comments to communicate? If you are my friend, why do you cancel every single plan we make at the last minute? If you are my friend, why did you say 'let's get together' a month ago and never follow through? If you are my friend, why did you ignore me for months without explanation and then expect us to pick up where we left off when you came to your senses? What is going on?! And predominantly, what are these people doing claiming that they treat me well and that they will not apologize for any insults they have tossed out? WHY?
I am pretty much at my breaking point, to be honest. I am almost ready to wipe the slate clean. That would involve me cutting off contact with absolutely everyone in my (offline) life right now. None of them are supportive. None of them offer me any sort of motivation or positive reinforcement. Instead of being there for me through this job hunt, my boyfriend looks for ways that this could possibly be my fault. Picking apart my cover letters, saying that maybe I am doing poorly in interviews, saying I am not working fast enough, saying I am not doing enough, saying my approach is all wrong. It could not possibly be the economy, bad luck or employers just not giving me a chance. It has to be something I am doing. How about, "Keep going"? How about, "You are doing a good job under the circumstances"? How about, "What can I do to help?" How about, "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" How about, "You will find something"? How about, "I know it is tough but just keep sticking it out, it will eventually pay off"? How about anything positive? All I hear about is what a fuck-up I am and how I must be doing everything wrong or poorly. Despite being such a hard worker and entirely capable, I have not been snatched up. No. So? Suddenly I am unworthy of a good job because of something I am/am not doing?
What in hell does it take to please people? No one is ever satisfied. I feel like I am always putting my own wants and needs on the backburner to try and please the few people left in my life. I am clinging to these people for dear life, making sure they know I love and care about them... and what do I get back? Nothing. These people constantly insult me and make me feel like garbage. And somehow, everything is turned around on me. No one wants to take responsibility for anything. No one would dare admit they might be wrong or that perhaps they were being verbally abusive. Hell, my father still says, to this day, that he feels I deserved to be assaulted by him a few years back. No apology was ever uttered and it never will be.
I feel like I had more self-esteem even just a few months ago. People have tried really hard to snatch the bit I had left these past few months. I claim to be a strong person, but if I am, what in hell am I doing allowing this to happen? Sometimes I rationalize it by saying people only turn their back on me after a long period of time. In terms of friends, this is very true. After ten years, someone will flip out on me and end it for no reason. This has happened several times in the past few months alone. It happened to me again just last week! I am not saying longevity is all that matters, but these are people I cared about and thought cared about me. They have not all been 'best friends,' but they have been close friends and people I talked to on a regular basis. And bam, it ends. There is no fight. It just ends. And almost every single person refuses to tell me why.
The person last week? Their response when I asked what the deal was? "Meh." And that was it. They will not speak to me anymore. I have no idea what I did or what went wrong with any of these people. Do I really want to keep living my life this way? No. But can I control it? No. The only thing I can do is get out of a friendship that I feel is doing more harm than good. And despite my good judgement, I almost never see it coming. I cannot predict people and their erratic and irrational behaviour. I cannot get out before it is too late because all of these endings come out of nowhere. Several years ago, I had a six-year friendship end and they told me it was because we were too different and that it was just a surface friendship. Hm. Here I was investing everything I had into that friendship, thinking it was fantastic, feeling like we had so much in common, having a blast sharing secrets and sharing laughs... but nope, I was told that was actually not the case and it was over. It must have all been my imagination.
Maybe I am actually crazy. Maybe these people were never even friends to begin with and I just made the friendships up in my head. That would explain a lot.
So, just like the "clinical depression" that hit when I was thirteen, my problem seems to be the same this time around: people. That is why medication never did a damn thing. Of course, the job situation sucks and the lack of motivation sucks... but things would probably be a lot easier if I had some sort of support system. It might help to have just a few people egging me on or telling me I am a capable person. We all need that. But unfortunately, I have never had that. Even when things are good or okay, I have never actually had any cheerleaders. My online friends have done a far better job with support than anyone I have ever known offline. (And I do not discredit that.) Unfortunately, I need people offline too. I need people to hang out with and I need people to support me. In turn, I will openly offer my support, my respect, my understanding and my open mind. No problem. It is not like I am asking for something I am not giving. But yeah, the problem is people. It is not some chemical imbalance. The problem is people being a) abusive, b) unsupportive, c) irrational, d) insulting, e) hurtful, f) disinterested and g) presumptuous. That is the problem. Not just one or two people but pretty much all of them.
So, who knows... I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I have tried making new friends. I have let old friendships go. I am almost completely alone now. And soon, I will likely lose my relationship too. Then I will be even more alone. Depression aside, thinking rationally about things, maybe that is best. It seems kind of jaded to believe there are people who are just meant to be alone, but maybe that is the case for me and I should just accept it. Maybe I am just not meant to get married or have solid friendships. Maybe I am just supposed to drift through life not really knowing anyone. There are others out there like that. I am not saying I would choose that lifestyle, but maybe it was already chosen for me and that is why nothing is working with anyone.
I feel like this is all a series of head games. People string me along for so long. They say one thing and then do another. The odd time, they will apologize and say they want me in their life. Shortly after that, they are gone. What the hell? So many of these people continuously tell me they want to be in my life. And then they disappear. Why bother? Are they lying? If so, there is no need. Just get what you want and be on your merry way. Tell me you used me. Are they telling the truth? If so, how does someone's mind change that quickly? One minute we are great friends, the next things are ending. Or worse, for ten years we are friends and then it ends for no particular reason... or for a reason I am just not told. Head game after head game. It is like the only want to leave when they have genuinely made me believe they care about me.
I put in excessive amounts of effort. I am humorous. I am loyal to a fault. I am a good listener. But people just do not want to be around me. Or, rather, they want to be around me but only for a limited amount of time. And god forbid I want to know the reason it has to end--then I am really a pathetic loser. I have my faults too. I can be stubborn. I am very self-critical. I can complain too much. It sometimes takes me a while to come around with things. I have social anxiety issues. And I know, for a fact, that sometimes people just want to tell me to "shut the fuck up." But why do I find it so easy to accept flaws in others, and yet people are so opposed to accepting them in me? I guess I am just asking too much.
If people hate me, fine. At least tell me why. Maybe if they did, I would have more of this figured out instead of being dumbfounded and confused. Maybe I could actually address and work on things if people told me why they either treated me like absolute shit or ended things out of nowhere. It would be nice to be even slightly more informed. Despite my low self-esteem, I just find it hard to believe that I am so intolerable that just no one can stand me. Am I the greatest person on earth? No. Am I endlessly awesome? No. Am I someone who never makes mistakes? No. But I figured I was tolerable. Unfortunately, feeling tolerable has gone out the window. It is clear to me that I am not tolerable. No one sticks around. What other explanation is there? I am obviously not what anyone wants. (Hm, I was told that once too.)
And again, this goes back to whether or not I should just accept that and live my life alone. It is not something I want to do, but at this point, I may be forced to. I would rather go through life alone than continuously lose people for no (explained) reason. I realize there is constant loss in life, but there cannot be this much. It is just not acceptable. I would rather just have no one than have everyone just eventually leave. There is no room to feel this desperate all of the time. And there is certainly no room to feel this unloved and despised. I cannot keep accepting people defacing my character, tearing apart my personality or insulting the way I look. I really cannot do this anymore. It is just too much. Most people have no idea what it is like to walk around hating yourself this much. And more to the point of this entry, most people have no idea what it is like to be constantly disappointed in everyone else too. I really envy all of those people with solid friendships, family relationships or partners. Without those, life just does not seem worth living.