DAY 24 & 25 - 30 Days of Tumblr
DAY 24 - SOMETHING RANDOM
Something random that has been a serious problem lately: my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. For those who do not know, my apartment was robbed (while I was in it, sleeping) in December 2006, three and a half years ago. We assumed it was either one of my father's friends since they robbed us between the time he left for work and came home for lunch. The criminal seemed to know his schedule or was watching us for a period of time to figure it out (what they did not know is that I was on winter break from school). Or it could have been one of the hired workers for the apartment balconies (who could have entered from the balcony with the hanging platform they were using). We had about $10,000 worth of equipment stolen. I did not wake up and I assume they would have stolen more had they not come down the hall and realized I was there. I know they must have seen me, laid eyes on me. It is so terrifying to know a robber was in this apartment, looking at me without my knowledge. It was easily one of the most traumatic experiences in my life, and it left me with a severe case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that still persists today. I do not think anyone in my offline life actually knows the severeity of this PTSD, but there is no fooling myself. "Robbed" certainly has a double meaning here. We installed a security alarm after that and changed the second lock, but none of this has helped me feel safe.
Throughout 2007, I had a series of nightmares where I would imagine various people breaking into the apartment. It quickly spun into sleepless nights, month after month. I am alone every weekend, and those nights are even worse. Even now, I frequently think I hear noises in the living room and have to get up out of bed to go and check. I sometimes just sit straight up in bed, in the dark, my eyes wide open, just listening with my heart pounding so hard that I strain to hear anything else in my ears. I will do this four hours, unable to fall asleep because I am so scared. I will watch Salem, who usually sleeps with me. The slightest perk of his head toward the living room and I will get up and go check again, fearing someone is out there. One time I even called the police because I thought someone was on my balcony. I do this getting-up-checking-getting-back-into-bed for hours. I have been doing this again lately, on a weekly basis.
I have fooled myself into thinking sunlight is safer. I will just sit up in bed, waiting for it. I will have all the lights in the apartment on until the sun rises. Even dawn is not good enough; the sun has to be up and out for me to sleep. This is, of course, ridiculous: I was robbed in daylight. It was between 9a.m. and 11a.m. This bahavior has been consistent since 2006, but some months are worse than others. It took about four months after the robbery to get a full night's sleep, and sometimes it is still impossible. I get these panic attacks at least a few times a month, sometimes more. Lately, it is every single week.
I am pondering going to my doctor about this. There is no way I can continue living this way. And to be honest, I do not think going back to counseling will help. Talking about this will not help. That will not make my feelings go away. Talking will not normalize things because I am acting completely rational. Well, other than hearing noises that may or may not be there... I suppose that is not entirely rational. But the fear is rational after what happened to me. Anyone who has been robbed is never the same. I suppose some people may deal with it better than I am, but there is always a fear of being robbed again and a sense of feeling unsafe in your own home that never fully goes away. The last thing I want is medication, but maybe that is the only way. The anxiety is uncontrollable. It does not matter what I do to relax. No amount of deep breathing or distracting myself will help; I am still always listening for noises. This does just not seem like it can be dealt with in a cognitive way. No amount of reasoning will stop me from feeling this way, or at least that is how it feels.
This is all just incredibly repetitive and stressful. Almost every night, the same thing. Awake in my bed, my room dark but the rest of the apartment lights on, my heart pounding, listening for noises. Investigating every small noise I do hear, which is more often than not my blinds hitting the window sill due to the wind. And what am I going to do if it actually does happen again? I fear it happening again so much that if it did happen, I would be so ill-prepared and unable to cope.
DAY 25 - MY DAY, IN DETAIL
I really hate the next few questions and I may substitute. My days are quite boring lately, and I really have nothing to write about in terms of daily activities. This year, so far, has sucked, and I have already written about the main events thus far. My days consist of sitting here, churning out job applications, cleaning, working out, cooking and baking. I go out on and off through the week, usually to run errands, to do laundry, to go to dinner or a movie or to visit family. In other words, giving anyone details of my days right now--being unemployed and having little money to do anything--is rather pointless.