Now I'm Crying Because He's Not Here
Title: Now I'm Crying Because He's Not Here
Fandom/Pairing: Glee - Puck/Rachel
Summary/Prompt: It's so frustrating because I broke up with him because I was sad of crying every day, like I didn't want to cry anymore, and then I was crying because of fighting, and now I'm crying because he's not here to make me stop. He was like my best friend. It's like losing your best friend. - Lauren Conrad
Rating/Word Count: T/2,346 words
A/N: Written for the puckrachel drabble meme. The majority of this was written and edited between midnight and two this morning (blame my insomnia) so I hope it makes sense. It also kind of deviated from the original prompt.
She tried to hold back the tears she could feel threatening to overspill. She tried to hold them back, even though she knew from recent, past experiences it was pointless. These arguments with Noah had been growing in frequency, intensity and she was beginning to feel emotionally drained after them.
She felt the first of the tears slide down her cheek, and she silently cursed herself as she quickly brushed them away because she hated showing weakness to Noah when they were fighting.
She heard him mutter something that sounded a lot like Aw, shit and all of a sudden her apartment had quieted down again and they were just staring at each other.
“Rach,” he murmured quietly taking one step towards her, which she mirrored with a step back. It wasn’t as easy as that this time, to let him hug her tight and kiss her until the tears stopped - which they always (eventually) did, before he led her to her bed and made her forget her own name.
“No,” She shook her head, brushing her hand over her cheeks again to wipe away the tears that continued to fall. “I can’t keep doing this Noah; I don’t want to cry anymore.”
“Baby,” she knew he hadn’t got them message when he took another step towards her, to comfort her.
“Noah, I can’t do us anymore.” He stopped walking. He didn’t look concerned anymore, he looked angry.
“What the fuck, Rachel?”
“Noah, we’re always fighting.” Rachel fought to control her voice. “We haven’t had a civil conversation in weeks. You’re making me miserable Noah.” She admitted the last part softly. She had been crying herself to sleep every night for the past week after Noah stormed out.
His eyes blazed and she held her breath for a second, waiting for the next step; for him to say something.
“Fine, whatever,” he grumbled grabbing the jacket he’d tossed over the back of the couch earlier. “I’ve had enough of your fuckin’ shit anyway Rachel.” Then he was out of the door, and two years of relationship was down the drain.
She waited until he was down the hall for her to break down in tears again.
It was meant to get better after that.
She was meant to go back to being the Rachel Berry that knew what she was doing with her life, right down to the last detail. She was meant to go back to being the girl with ambition and confidence who didn’t spend her nights crying into her pillow and watching mind numbing reality shows while eating all the dairy-free frozen sorbet she had in her freezer.
“It’s time to snap out of this Berry,” Santana had been the one to finally call her out on her behavior. Out of all the Gleeks that made the move to New York City after high school for college, Santana was the one that was normally nominated to go up against the forces of Puck and Rachel. Normally, the group would make Puck sort out Rachel, but right now they refused to acknowledge each other. “You broke up with him,” she reminded her, “because you weren’t happy. The crying was meant to stop.”
The Latina girl stared at the girl she was sometimes reluctant to call a friend, for what felt like an hour, until the last of the tears finally stopped falling. “That’s better,” she muttered as the tiny brunette pulled herself up off the couch and started clearing away the mess that had accumulated around her.
She wasn’t going to let herself wallow in her self-misery over Noah Puckerman anymore.
After that, Rachel threw herself into the task of completely forgetting about Noah Puckerman with a renewed energy and determination. She took more overtime hours at work, she went for more auditions; she accepted more social invitations with her co-workers.
And she didn’t cry at night, when she was alone in her bed without the comfort and the warmth and the love and protection she had felt nearly every night for the last two years.
“I miss him Quinn,” she ended up admitting to her blonde friend after she accepted a dinner invitation at Quinn and Sam’s apartment; Santana and Brittany were in the living room with Sam, drinking their beers while Rachel helped Quinn load the dishwasher.
“I wasn’t meant to miss him this much.” She would have told this to Santana, who she was truthfully (slightly) closer with - but she already knew her friend’s response, so she needed to talk to Quinn who would give her an actual answer.
“Of course you do,” Quinn soothed. “You were together for two years. You messed around for another four before that. You two had an intense relationship; you can’t just get over that in a month.”
“I…I shouldn’t have told him that we were over.” Rachel admitted aloud for the first time, leaning back on the kitchen counter. “I was just so tired of the crying and the fighting, but then I just started crying because he wasn’t there and I couldn’t stop because he wasn’t there to stop me.” She closed her eyes, holding in the tears that were once again threatening to spill over. She was just so tired of the constant crying.
“You love him Rach…” Quinn started to speak, and Rachel cut her off with a quick laugh.
“Of course I love him, he’s Noah. That’s what’s so difficult about this.”
“Maybe you need to talk to him about this.” Quinn eventually answered. “See if you can work this out.”
Rachel stared at her friend who only matched her stare back; eventually she sighed. Quinn was right.
“I’m going to go.” Rachel sighed, leaning in to kiss Quinn on the cheek. “I’ll call you later though.”
She grabbed her bag and jacket out of the living room, saying her goodbyes to the rest of her friends and ignoring Santana’s remarks - the girl was surprisingly observant and insightful, she always knew more than she should know.
She was at the front door of Noah’s apartment before she could even blink, and staring at the closed door she wondered why she hadn’t called or even texted him beforehand in warning that she was coming over to talk. She must have decided that the element of surprise would be the best way to go - not give him the chance to back out of the conversation; and give her the chance to run back to the safety of her own apartment before they could.
She knocked on the door and while she waited for a response, she wondered why they hadn’t moved in together during their relationship. It was probably because they hadn’t gotten their act together and called their relationship an actual relationship until they were almost twenty one. Rachel was pretty sure it was her who had been insistent on keeping their own places, so they would have the space to go to be by themselves - so they wouldn’t end up blowing up at each other.
It didn’t stop them from spending every night together in one apartment or the other. (And blowing up at each other).
There was no answer at the door, so he was either out or asleep. She pulled out her keys, the key for the door she was standing in front of still hanging off the ring like it belonged there. Tentatively, she tried it and was only mildly surprised that he hadn’t changed the locks (considering that neither had she.)
Closing and locking the door behind her, turning on lights as she walked through; she decided that he was definitely out and panicked that when he eventually arrived home, he’d be with someone else - or he wouldn’t return until morning, smelling like someone else’s perfume.
Grabbing a beer out of his fridge, alcohol would definitely calm her errant nerves; she noticed that the soy milk she’d kept here was still there. Glancing at the expiry date, she frowned, noticing it was two weeks out of date. She tossed it, and started cleaning out the rest of the fridge - it would definitely keep her busy until he arrived; she’d come this far, she couldn’t back out now.
An hour later, his fridge had been cleaned out, his living room picked up and the bathroom thoroughly cleaned - with the hamper full of dirty laundry. She hadn’t been brave enough to enter the bedroom, fearing what she might find in there and settled down on the couch with a second beer.
It was closing in on one in the morning, and her eyes were beginning to struggle to stay open. She was starting to border on tipsy, with the beer she’d been drinking at Noah - and the drinks she’d had at Quinn’s and she just wanted to lay down and rest her eyes for a second.
She glanced down at the closed bedroom door. She didn’t want to go in there and discover lingerie that didn’t belong to her, but as she weighed the outcomes between the couch and his bed, she sighed, deciding that if she kept her eyes on the pillow and closed her eyes - she wouldn’t see anything she didn’t want to see.
She sighed again in content as she sunk into his pillows and closed her eyes, letting the distinct smell of him wash over her. This was definitely better than the couch, and she only needed a couple of minutes.
When Puck unlocked his apartment door, he knew straight away that he wasn’t alone. The place was visibly cleaner for the first time in a month. He crossed straight to his bedroom, slipping inside to stare at the sight of his ex-girlfriend curled up in a tight ball in his bed, fast asleep - so small and vulnerable.
“Rach,” He groaned; kicking off his shoes, sliding into bed next to her.
Rachel stirred at the sound of her name, and the familiar touch of Puck’s arm wrapping around her waist, pulling her close into him. She could smell the alcohol on his breath and feel his mouth resting just above her back.
She wanted to turn into him so badly, to look at him, but the hold he had on her was too strong.
“Noah,” she whispered back at him so he would know she was awake. “I just want to talk.”
He mumbled something that sounded vaguely like an agreement and ran his hand up underneath the blouse she was wearing; running small circles on her skin, moving slowly up to the swell of her breasts.
Fighting back a groan, she managed to roll over so she was facing him, and his hand worked back down to her lower back.
“I’m tired of crying, Noah.” She whispered into his chest, resisting the urge to reach out at him.
“You said that before,” he answered and she could hear the anger bubbling in his voice.
“I know.” She arched into his touch, cautiously running hand up and down his chest. “I was; I was meant to stop crying once the fighting stopped.”
“So what happened?” He was allowed to be bitter.
“I was crying because I missed you, because you weren’t there.”
“You were the one that told me to leave.” He reminded her. “I was making you miserable, remember?” He almost spat out. He had relived that conversation nearly every night in the last month when he’d drink in an attempt to forget.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel sobbed. “I’m so sorry Noah. I made a mistake. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay without you. I miss you so much; I just want to be us again.”
He rolled on to his back, breaking the touch between them, and closed his eyes so he could think without looking at her wide brown eyes full of tears. Quickly, she straddled him and run her hands up his chest and neck, settling in his hair.
“I want you Noah,” She bent over to kiss him softly, running her hands back down to the shirt he was wearing, tugging at the hem to pull it swiftly off. “I want us, I’ll take the fighting, all I know is I just can’t keep doing this without you.”
Puck groaned out in frustration, flipping her back over so she was wedged underneath him and he kissed her with a lot more force than she had done him. He tore at her blouse, not caring when a couple of buttons went flying.
“You drive me crazy, Rach.” He groped at her breasts, which caused her to arch in again and he expertly undid the clasps at the back, pulling the flimsy cotton and lace material away from her tanned skin.
She groaned again as he sucked down at the skin between her neck and shoulder, working quickly to unbutton his pants and push them down as far as she could manage as he licked and bit at her skin, before kicking his pants completely off.
“I love you Noah, I’m sorry.” She kissed him urgently as he tore her underwear away, pushing up her skirt; not bothering with getting that off of her before he entered her and she failed to stifle a scream.
He collapsed down on top of her after they were both spent, and tangled his fingers softly in her hair.
“It’s a nice surprise,” he murmured, kissing her softly again, “coming home to a clean place and you waiting in bed for me.”
Rachel smiled back at him, kissing him back, unable to think of anything to say. “It’s nice to be back in bed with you.” She finally whispered back at him as they settled back underneath the sheets.