Emotional, yeah. That's me.
I need it to rain. I want to listen to the thunder, and watch the lightening bounce off the water. I want to walk in the rain, and not care that i'm soaked. I want to lie in bed, hair all wet, and snuggle up with someone who doesn't care that they're all wet too. To be content just lying in the dark listening to the thunder.
I'm sad. I'm lonely. I've realized that everyone really is leaving. That i'm going to go back to being stuck with friends who won't or can't come to me. Evenutally I'll just be a name that they once had fond memories of. It just sucks. You spend years (or in odd cases, months) building friendships and 20 years down the road they'll be irrelivant. I was thinking about it last night. I've known Sharon for 12 years. Jesus for 9 years. Brit for nearly 4. Bob for 3 on my birthday. And then there's this kid that i've known for 4 months, but whom I trust more than I do most of the people i've known for Xamount of years.
But in a year, five years, ten years down the road I probably won't even have a means of contacting them. They'll just be people I grew up with, or used to hang out with, or loved a long time ago. In highschool there were people that we swore we'd stay in touch with. I have no idea what most of those people are doing now. It's been more than 2 years since i've spoken to any of them. How long until this happens with these people?
They become such large parts of your lives and then they're just not there anymore. I was at Bob's the other night, and he asked me how I felt about everyone leaving. And once they were gone, if i'd be alright. And while he was speaking of something much more specific, I still honestly hadn't thought about it. I mean I knew that eventually it would be just Sharon and I here, but I hadn't actually thought about them being gone. And eventually she'll leave too. She'll finish school and go off and get married.
And I'll still be here. Doing what I'm doing. Trying to get somewhere so I can move on too. Only i'm three years behind everyone else. Because I'm too stupid to have done it right the first time. And now I'm heading in the right direction and I'm scared. I've got people telling me what they want me to do, and what they think I need to do, and where they think I need to go, and how the think I need to get there. What they don't realize is that i'm already on a train heading somewhere. See that's the thing. I don't think anyone has actually accepted that I know what I want to do with my life now and that i'm doing what I can to get there. And I guess it really is just a big joke. I mean look at what I want to do.
I really needed to get that out without someone in my face telling me "No, that's wrong. You're wrong". Because I seem to be getting a lot of that these days. Just because I may have some irrational fears doesn't mean that you poo poo the ones with a logical basis.