oh come on.
Why do I always get like this when I'm in love? ESPECIALLY NOW when I have someone to love me back? I totally understand those situations where my heart has been broken (like December - February, god that was one of the most terrible times in my life ever) but NOW!? What the fuck.
Like today. I thought I wasn't able to talk to my girl in four days, but she managed to come online. What did I do? I was cold, bitchy and depressed. My feelings are like a fucking rollercoaster. I feel happy for a few days, but now I've noticed that EVERY WEEK there's something I wanna whine about. I'm always causing fights and crying about stupid stuff. My trust issues are out of control. My girl tells me all the fucking time how much she cares about me and I don't believe it. Why? I WISH I FUCKING KNEW.
...okay, actually I do. My heart has been stamped on the ground and ripped to million pieces so many times that it needs duct tape and superglue to get fixed. And now when I actually have found someone (for the second time, hah), I'm being a cold bitch who doesn't do anything but whine about stuff and feels like shit all the time.
Like... when she goes out. I get these terrible feelings inside of me and they won't go away, unless I find a really good distraction (even though I'd found it, it wouldn't last long. Just like today, thanks anyway, Asu <3). I'm not going to be one of those nagging bitches who's not gonna let their partners to go out and have fun, but sometimes I feel like I give the image... I DON*T WANT TO give that image.
I want this girl, I NEED this girl. But sometimes I have a feeling that I can't handle this. That we're doomed. That our future is fucked. Why? One of the reasons: my parents. They're on our way all the time. I don't even wanna talk to them about my love life. Eeeeevery single time I find someone, they get pissed and worried and start whining. It seems like they don't want me to find anyone at all. HAH and still my mum dares to whine about how she wants grand children. fucking hell....
And if they seem to be happy for me, I know they're acting. HAH like the other day when we were talking about my trip to Belgium. Of course they seemed to be okay with it now when they found ANOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM WHY I COULDN*T GO THERE.
"oh, honey, there might be a problem with your job trial"
FUCK THAT SHIT.
Fuck those people, sometimes I'd just want to strangle them and cut them into pieces and trow them away from the cliff. They're hypocrites, they just want to keep me for theirselves, they want me to do what they want, they don't give a shit about what I want.
I also feel like that someday she'll get rid of me, before everything good and lovely has even started. I really need to step it up. I don't wanna be a bad girlfriend. But I have no idea how to step it up... I've heard a phrase "Time heals the wounds". pfffff the person who invented that must have been a total retard. so, since time isn't helping, I need to make something else up.
oh well, this evening should be good distraction. I guess I'm drowning my feelings to alcohol, my goooooooooood friend Jack Daniel's, even though shouldn't. Especially 'cos there's a roadtrip ahead of me tomorrow. But nah, like I would care. I feel like shit, and I'm gonna let it out. No matter what.
I hate myself.
Like today. I thought I wasn't able to talk to my girl in four days, but she managed to come online. What did I do? I was cold, bitchy and depressed. My feelings are like a fucking rollercoaster. I feel happy for a few days, but now I've noticed that EVERY WEEK there's something I wanna whine about. I'm always causing fights and crying about stupid stuff. My trust issues are out of control. My girl tells me all the fucking time how much she cares about me and I don't believe it. Why? I WISH I FUCKING KNEW.
...okay, actually I do. My heart has been stamped on the ground and ripped to million pieces so many times that it needs duct tape and superglue to get fixed. And now when I actually have found someone (for the second time, hah), I'm being a cold bitch who doesn't do anything but whine about stuff and feels like shit all the time.
Like... when she goes out. I get these terrible feelings inside of me and they won't go away, unless I find a really good distraction (even though I'd found it, it wouldn't last long. Just like today, thanks anyway, Asu <3). I'm not going to be one of those nagging bitches who's not gonna let their partners to go out and have fun, but sometimes I feel like I give the image... I DON*T WANT TO give that image.
I want this girl, I NEED this girl. But sometimes I have a feeling that I can't handle this. That we're doomed. That our future is fucked. Why? One of the reasons: my parents. They're on our way all the time. I don't even wanna talk to them about my love life. Eeeeevery single time I find someone, they get pissed and worried and start whining. It seems like they don't want me to find anyone at all. HAH and still my mum dares to whine about how she wants grand children. fucking hell....
And if they seem to be happy for me, I know they're acting. HAH like the other day when we were talking about my trip to Belgium. Of course they seemed to be okay with it now when they found ANOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM WHY I COULDN*T GO THERE.
"oh, honey, there might be a problem with your job trial"
FUCK THAT SHIT.
Fuck those people, sometimes I'd just want to strangle them and cut them into pieces and trow them away from the cliff. They're hypocrites, they just want to keep me for theirselves, they want me to do what they want, they don't give a shit about what I want.
I also feel like that someday she'll get rid of me, before everything good and lovely has even started. I really need to step it up. I don't wanna be a bad girlfriend. But I have no idea how to step it up... I've heard a phrase "Time heals the wounds". pfffff the person who invented that must have been a total retard. so, since time isn't helping, I need to make something else up.
oh well, this evening should be good distraction. I guess I'm drowning my feelings to alcohol, my goooooooooood friend Jack Daniel's, even though shouldn't. Especially 'cos there's a roadtrip ahead of me tomorrow. But nah, like I would care. I feel like shit, and I'm gonna let it out. No matter what.
I hate myself.