(no subject)
As most of you know I go to see a counsellor and I've found that I'm not going to be able to see her for a month because of building work. So I have to wait until September which I know isn't that long but I don't know when I'll be able to see her then because I'll be working and studying part time at uni. It's really ironic because the past few times I've been to see I haven't really been able to open up and now when I actually need to see her I can't. I'm so upset. I don't really have anyone to talk and my friends who I love to pieces, don't seem to really understand what I'm going through. Not that I expect everyone who has to listen to me to be as messed up as I am but I'd appreciate some empathy. I always try to understand them. I dunno maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much of people. I just could really do with seeing her as things at home or rather things with my mum are tense, my dad hasn't been in contact again and one of good friends who had the same stuff I have to deal with has left.
At the moment I'm very behind with my OU work. I had an exam a few weeks ago and because I spent the entire time stressing about it I didn't realize I was meant be starting my next module so now I'm like a week behind starting the next one. I have an essay to finish which I think I've done. I have next week off so I'm going to really try and catch up then.
Have seriously no money. I keep going into my overdraft, which I know is my fault but mainly the fact I get paid nothing. I had nearly paid off my credit card but then my mum was in trouble this month so I had to help out so now I've had to tear it up and pay off bits. I know as long as you pay off a certain amount it helps each month I just hate to have it lingering over me. Again another thing my friends don't get. Like if we out at lunchtime they'll just have free toast from work to eat whereas if I don't make mine I end buying salad from m&s. Then one day I said jokingly I reckon I'd be better off as a student and my friend was like well you'd have to get used not buying stuff m&s!! I don't have the security of two parents, a holiday every year, knowing that if something went wrong I'd be bailed out ( I mean I'm sure they would but... ) and just because I have to buy my lunch from somewhere a bit expensive I get that. I think I'm entitled a few extra nice things to make up for the missed holidays and the security.
I find myself lacking any kind of emotion for anyone. Obviously if my friends are really upset then I'll do anything for them but as soon as anyone wants something or comes across needy in anyway I freak and just become really rude and blunt. I find myself doing this at home with my mum. I don't like doing it. But I'm just so resentful towards her and I know it's not all her fault and my dad is to blame for the financial situation. If I like someone and they engage in a serious conversation I can't deal with it and end up cracking a joke despite the fact inside I'm really romantic and emotional. I never cry or show my true feelings in public.
Erghh!!! This post is all over the place but it needs to be let out in some way.
I'm angry with myself that the two friend I know who have family problems just accept it and can get on with it but I carry on hoping that it will change and still being emotionally hurt by things my mum and dad do. I feel like an adult in some senses but in others I don't. I'd love to go thats it I've had enough but then I think there might be a point when I'll need my mum one day. And for some reason I feel guilty that my parents lives didn't work out the way they wanted, which makes me unhappy. And then I feel about me so insecure and annoying and that everything I do annoys people. I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't if I'm me at work or with my friends or when I'm at home or maybe ME doesn't exist. It's horrible..
At the moment I'm very behind with my OU work. I had an exam a few weeks ago and because I spent the entire time stressing about it I didn't realize I was meant be starting my next module so now I'm like a week behind starting the next one. I have an essay to finish which I think I've done. I have next week off so I'm going to really try and catch up then.
Have seriously no money. I keep going into my overdraft, which I know is my fault but mainly the fact I get paid nothing. I had nearly paid off my credit card but then my mum was in trouble this month so I had to help out so now I've had to tear it up and pay off bits. I know as long as you pay off a certain amount it helps each month I just hate to have it lingering over me. Again another thing my friends don't get. Like if we out at lunchtime they'll just have free toast from work to eat whereas if I don't make mine I end buying salad from m&s. Then one day I said jokingly I reckon I'd be better off as a student and my friend was like well you'd have to get used not buying stuff m&s!! I don't have the security of two parents, a holiday every year, knowing that if something went wrong I'd be bailed out ( I mean I'm sure they would but... ) and just because I have to buy my lunch from somewhere a bit expensive I get that. I think I'm entitled a few extra nice things to make up for the missed holidays and the security.
I find myself lacking any kind of emotion for anyone. Obviously if my friends are really upset then I'll do anything for them but as soon as anyone wants something or comes across needy in anyway I freak and just become really rude and blunt. I find myself doing this at home with my mum. I don't like doing it. But I'm just so resentful towards her and I know it's not all her fault and my dad is to blame for the financial situation. If I like someone and they engage in a serious conversation I can't deal with it and end up cracking a joke despite the fact inside I'm really romantic and emotional. I never cry or show my true feelings in public.
Erghh!!! This post is all over the place but it needs to be let out in some way.
I'm angry with myself that the two friend I know who have family problems just accept it and can get on with it but I carry on hoping that it will change and still being emotionally hurt by things my mum and dad do. I feel like an adult in some senses but in others I don't. I'd love to go thats it I've had enough but then I think there might be a point when I'll need my mum one day. And for some reason I feel guilty that my parents lives didn't work out the way they wanted, which makes me unhappy. And then I feel about me so insecure and annoying and that everything I do annoys people. I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't if I'm me at work or with my friends or when I'm at home or maybe ME doesn't exist. It's horrible..