Monster Me
Perhaps I'm being dramatic, but it feels as though everything is falling apart. All the things I was excited and optimistic about are turning out all wrong, and I just feel like I'm LOSING IT. Seriously, there were 3 or 4 times yesterday where I was having trouble breathing & was on the verge of some kind of anxiety attack.
It's probably some temporary hormonal thing, but for now it's very real and very strong and I feel out of control. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm losing faith in myself. Why?
Well, for one... my career has yet to take off, even though I've spent so much time & energy learning and training and shadowing and campaigning. I don't even have one deal going yet, not even a real client to work with. I was showing some houses to a friend, and he was thisclose to putting an offer on one, but he changed his mind and decided to keep looking. I was fine with that, didn't phase me in the least. But that was 3 or so weeks ago, and he hasn't returned any of my phonecalls. I don't get what's going on there. I wish he would just call me back and let me know what's going on. Even if he completely changed his mind and decided I'm an incompetent loser, I want him to tell me that so I'm not just sitting here in the dark anymore!
And then... something else came up this week with my job that really disappointed me. I won't go into it too much, but basically someone decided not to use me as their realtor because I'm new & inexperienced, and that worried them too much, so they found someone else. That was pretty much my biggest fear going into this. I fully expected it to happen, but it still stings. There's nothing I can do to change someone's mind when they have an idea like that, and I wasn't even given the chance to TRY to change their mind. How am I ever going to gain experience if nobody out there is willing to take the risk?
I'm ready and rarin' to go here, but I have absolutely no clients to work with so I'm just wasting my time sitting around in the office... listening in on my mentor's phonecalls and going to her appointments. I want my own phonecalls! I want my own appointments! God, I need SOME kind of lead. I'm really trying here, and getting nowhere.
I know, I know. It takes time and patience. But I would think that by now I would have at least one buyer to work with. Ugh, I can't wait until they schedule me for floor time so I can get those random calls from "We want some information on this listing" people. At least then I'll have someone to sell myself to. There's only so much I can do to market myself to friends & family. I need to branch out.
I feel so much pressure right now. Matt is probably going to be out of a job in a month or so, and his paychecks are our only source of income. We cannot survive on unemployment. If Matt doesn't get another job lined up we are completely screwed. It would certainly help if I could sell a house before he loses his job, if I could manage to make a mortgage payment or two. But I'll never get to the freaking closing table at this rate.
AND, even if he does find a good job, with my luck it'll probably be another fucking second shift job and then I am back in the same boat I had been for 2 long years. JUST when he gets onto first shift and I actually start to enjoy my life, things take a turn for the worst at the shop and he has so move on. I can't go back to how it was before... no sleep, eating dinner alone every night, practically raising Carter alone. It was a shitty, shitty existance, as much as I tried to make the best of it, and I will break down if I'm forced to live that way again.
I haven't seen much of friends lately. Rachel & I saw a movie together last night and it felt great. That was probably the first time since Adam's party that I did anything social. No wonder I don't have any clients! I hardly see anyone besides my family and other agents!
I don't if it's stress or the change in routine or what, but I've been struggling so much with my body image that it's ridiculous. I've been so hungry, but have tried to resist the urges to just grab every piece of food in sight. That easter candy is the bane of my existance. I've recently kicked up my number of gym visits, and it's finally starting to help, but I'm still higher weight-wise than I want to be. I've been driving Matt crazy with my complaining. I'm driving myself crazy as well... I've been obsessed with food, what I can and can't have. I'll feel so much better when I get back down that five or so pounds. Where I was before we moved and I started my job & all that. But even if I lose a few, my face will still look like crap because my skin is totally freaking out on me. How can you have blotchy dry spots AND zits at the same time?
AAAuuuuGGGHHH! I feel like a monster. Inside and out.
It's probably some temporary hormonal thing, but for now it's very real and very strong and I feel out of control. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm losing faith in myself. Why?
Well, for one... my career has yet to take off, even though I've spent so much time & energy learning and training and shadowing and campaigning. I don't even have one deal going yet, not even a real client to work with. I was showing some houses to a friend, and he was thisclose to putting an offer on one, but he changed his mind and decided to keep looking. I was fine with that, didn't phase me in the least. But that was 3 or so weeks ago, and he hasn't returned any of my phonecalls. I don't get what's going on there. I wish he would just call me back and let me know what's going on. Even if he completely changed his mind and decided I'm an incompetent loser, I want him to tell me that so I'm not just sitting here in the dark anymore!
And then... something else came up this week with my job that really disappointed me. I won't go into it too much, but basically someone decided not to use me as their realtor because I'm new & inexperienced, and that worried them too much, so they found someone else. That was pretty much my biggest fear going into this. I fully expected it to happen, but it still stings. There's nothing I can do to change someone's mind when they have an idea like that, and I wasn't even given the chance to TRY to change their mind. How am I ever going to gain experience if nobody out there is willing to take the risk?
I'm ready and rarin' to go here, but I have absolutely no clients to work with so I'm just wasting my time sitting around in the office... listening in on my mentor's phonecalls and going to her appointments. I want my own phonecalls! I want my own appointments! God, I need SOME kind of lead. I'm really trying here, and getting nowhere.
I know, I know. It takes time and patience. But I would think that by now I would have at least one buyer to work with. Ugh, I can't wait until they schedule me for floor time so I can get those random calls from "We want some information on this listing" people. At least then I'll have someone to sell myself to. There's only so much I can do to market myself to friends & family. I need to branch out.
I feel so much pressure right now. Matt is probably going to be out of a job in a month or so, and his paychecks are our only source of income. We cannot survive on unemployment. If Matt doesn't get another job lined up we are completely screwed. It would certainly help if I could sell a house before he loses his job, if I could manage to make a mortgage payment or two. But I'll never get to the freaking closing table at this rate.
AND, even if he does find a good job, with my luck it'll probably be another fucking second shift job and then I am back in the same boat I had been for 2 long years. JUST when he gets onto first shift and I actually start to enjoy my life, things take a turn for the worst at the shop and he has so move on. I can't go back to how it was before... no sleep, eating dinner alone every night, practically raising Carter alone. It was a shitty, shitty existance, as much as I tried to make the best of it, and I will break down if I'm forced to live that way again.
I haven't seen much of friends lately. Rachel & I saw a movie together last night and it felt great. That was probably the first time since Adam's party that I did anything social. No wonder I don't have any clients! I hardly see anyone besides my family and other agents!
I don't if it's stress or the change in routine or what, but I've been struggling so much with my body image that it's ridiculous. I've been so hungry, but have tried to resist the urges to just grab every piece of food in sight. That easter candy is the bane of my existance. I've recently kicked up my number of gym visits, and it's finally starting to help, but I'm still higher weight-wise than I want to be. I've been driving Matt crazy with my complaining. I'm driving myself crazy as well... I've been obsessed with food, what I can and can't have. I'll feel so much better when I get back down that five or so pounds. Where I was before we moved and I started my job & all that. But even if I lose a few, my face will still look like crap because my skin is totally freaking out on me. How can you have blotchy dry spots AND zits at the same time?
AAAuuuuGGGHHH! I feel like a monster. Inside and out.