Goodbye
I guess I'm still not ready to write about this, because I have no idea what to say... but it would be good for me to at least put it out there, because then maybe it will actually feel real...
My grandma died last night, my mom's mom. I had only met her a few times that I can remember. She had been sick for a very long time, suffering from Alzheimer's. My mom knew that she would be gone soon, because she was no longer able to swallow... my uncle couldn't get her to eat or drink, but she couldn't feel the hunger pains. She didn't even know she was slipping away. In a way, it is such a nightmare to die that way, but more a nightmare to everyone else watching her disintegrate. She was just... blissfully unaware, I guess. I'm glad my mom didn't have to see her like that, but I know she wanted to say goodbye too, so it is just a sad sad situation. Isn't death always? Everyone has someone who loves them, someone who will miss them when they're gone.
I feel like I should be more upset about it than I am. I feel guilty because I haven't even cried yet. Probably because I've been distracted all day, but I'm sure it will hit me eventually. I'll start thinking of my mom, how fragile life is, and how we never know if we will wake up tomorrow...
The hardest part is that I know there is nothing I can do to make my mom feel better. I volunteered to come over to her house today, but she must have needed some time to herself because she didn't seem to need me there. She is working on healing, and she will heal, so there is nothing for me to do except go on with my life.
I can't even go to the funeral, because traveling all the way to Kansas with Carter would be impossible. I feel very disconnected from everything... I hardly knew her, can't see my relatives at this time to offer condolences, and can't do anything for my mom. That's why it doesn't seem real. But it happened and I'm sorry... that is all I really wanted to say.
My grandma died last night, my mom's mom. I had only met her a few times that I can remember. She had been sick for a very long time, suffering from Alzheimer's. My mom knew that she would be gone soon, because she was no longer able to swallow... my uncle couldn't get her to eat or drink, but she couldn't feel the hunger pains. She didn't even know she was slipping away. In a way, it is such a nightmare to die that way, but more a nightmare to everyone else watching her disintegrate. She was just... blissfully unaware, I guess. I'm glad my mom didn't have to see her like that, but I know she wanted to say goodbye too, so it is just a sad sad situation. Isn't death always? Everyone has someone who loves them, someone who will miss them when they're gone.
I feel like I should be more upset about it than I am. I feel guilty because I haven't even cried yet. Probably because I've been distracted all day, but I'm sure it will hit me eventually. I'll start thinking of my mom, how fragile life is, and how we never know if we will wake up tomorrow...
The hardest part is that I know there is nothing I can do to make my mom feel better. I volunteered to come over to her house today, but she must have needed some time to herself because she didn't seem to need me there. She is working on healing, and she will heal, so there is nothing for me to do except go on with my life.
I can't even go to the funeral, because traveling all the way to Kansas with Carter would be impossible. I feel very disconnected from everything... I hardly knew her, can't see my relatives at this time to offer condolences, and can't do anything for my mom. That's why it doesn't seem real. But it happened and I'm sorry... that is all I really wanted to say.