Have we met?
It was shaping up to be a fabulous week... And then today happened.
I woke up to a voicemail from my mom before 8 am, heard her saying to call her back and that it was very important. My first thought... that somebody died. I was wrong, but what I did learn immediately shook me to the core. I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon at the hospital. Someone very close to me is going through something I don't quite understand. I don't know how to react to it because I don't know what is wrong yet. So all I have for now is some hope, some fear, and a lot of confusion.
I know what it is like to have anxiety attacks and I know what it is like to be depressed...but this is both of those ailments and so much more. He is very sick, from what I gathered...the things he was telling us...the fact that he believes these delusions...it haunts me. What do you do when your mind doesn't work like everyone else's? Are you brave enough to get help? This person was brave today, and although it hurt me, it will ultimately help him that he came to us. I believe that.
He had to be transported to Pine Rest today so that they could properly evaluate him and find him some meds. Hospital policy required they take him via ambulance, although by the time they were ready to leave he seemed be doing a little better and I thought the ambulance was unnecessary. I think that he liked having me there by his side, even though I didn't really know what to say. I managed to make him laugh a few times, tried to assure him he wasn't alone. I wanted to follow him to Grand Rapids, but I had a feeling Carter needed me at home and I was right. He wasn't taking his bottle from Matt's mom and he hadn't had a solid nap. I spent the rest of the day with my baby, feeling drained from the long & hard day.
I know things will be fine, but I also wonder how it could have gotten this bad right under our noses. It's amazing what people will hide, even from the ones that they love. Everyone has an ocean of secrets surging inside of them, and we all make subconscious choices every day about what we want to show to people. Today I may have been acting sturdy and positive, but I know what I was really feeling deep down and it wasn't anything close to what I was trying to project.
Going to visit him tomorrow...maybe it will put some worries to rest, once I see that he is in a safe & stable environment, talking to people who know what they are doing. Because I sure as hell didn't know how to help him.
People are so sure of themselves, so confident that they have everyone figured out. We are so adept at stereotyping, labeling, judging...but we never ask the questions that really matter, never dare to delve deeper. Maybe that is a mistake. Because the person that you just know so well, can surprise you and prove to be almost a complete stranger. Who the hell is this new person I just met today? I thought he was that little happy kid I grew up with. Maybe he will find that kid again. My god, do I hope so.
I woke up to a voicemail from my mom before 8 am, heard her saying to call her back and that it was very important. My first thought... that somebody died. I was wrong, but what I did learn immediately shook me to the core. I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon at the hospital. Someone very close to me is going through something I don't quite understand. I don't know how to react to it because I don't know what is wrong yet. So all I have for now is some hope, some fear, and a lot of confusion.
I know what it is like to have anxiety attacks and I know what it is like to be depressed...but this is both of those ailments and so much more. He is very sick, from what I gathered...the things he was telling us...the fact that he believes these delusions...it haunts me. What do you do when your mind doesn't work like everyone else's? Are you brave enough to get help? This person was brave today, and although it hurt me, it will ultimately help him that he came to us. I believe that.
He had to be transported to Pine Rest today so that they could properly evaluate him and find him some meds. Hospital policy required they take him via ambulance, although by the time they were ready to leave he seemed be doing a little better and I thought the ambulance was unnecessary. I think that he liked having me there by his side, even though I didn't really know what to say. I managed to make him laugh a few times, tried to assure him he wasn't alone. I wanted to follow him to Grand Rapids, but I had a feeling Carter needed me at home and I was right. He wasn't taking his bottle from Matt's mom and he hadn't had a solid nap. I spent the rest of the day with my baby, feeling drained from the long & hard day.
I know things will be fine, but I also wonder how it could have gotten this bad right under our noses. It's amazing what people will hide, even from the ones that they love. Everyone has an ocean of secrets surging inside of them, and we all make subconscious choices every day about what we want to show to people. Today I may have been acting sturdy and positive, but I know what I was really feeling deep down and it wasn't anything close to what I was trying to project.
Going to visit him tomorrow...maybe it will put some worries to rest, once I see that he is in a safe & stable environment, talking to people who know what they are doing. Because I sure as hell didn't know how to help him.
People are so sure of themselves, so confident that they have everyone figured out. We are so adept at stereotyping, labeling, judging...but we never ask the questions that really matter, never dare to delve deeper. Maybe that is a mistake. Because the person that you just know so well, can surprise you and prove to be almost a complete stranger. Who the hell is this new person I just met today? I thought he was that little happy kid I grew up with. Maybe he will find that kid again. My god, do I hope so.