CM Fic: One Hundred and Twenty Minutes. Chapter 2
Title: One Hundred and Twenty Minutes
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ (with a lot of bitter resentment and unresolved issues, but yes Emily/JJ)
Rating: PG ish for now
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all
Spoilers: Up to present day....set in early season 7 after Emily's return to the team.
Summary: As Emily struggles to integrate herself back into the BAU, the
building is locked down. Emily & JJ become embroiled in a bitter argument over
a case. The rest of the team witness as the situation quickly turns into
something more...
Chapter 2.
Earlier that day...
"It's just...you lied to me." JJ whispers in the cold darkness of the basement where she and Emily are huddled together trying to stay warm. They have been captured by a crazed serial killer. It's hardly the time for a deep and meaningful conversation. Yet, there is a sense of urgency, as if this might be their last day on earth, their last chance. Besides, there is nothing else to do to pass the time.
"I never lied to you." Emily insists, taking JJ by the hand.
"You have this whole secret past you never told me about." JJ explains.
"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't tell anyone." Initially, Emily is trying to reassure JJ, to smooth things over. She stares at the other woman pleadingly. But nothing is getting through to her. And in that moment, Emily snaps. "Besides, It's not like you never lied to me JJ." It's Emily's bitter tone rather than the accusation itself that gets JJ's back up.
"You wanna go dragging up ancient history like .. that?" JJ asks in disbelief as she relinquishes Emily's hand.
"You're dragging up my past, things that happened to me before I even met you." Emily responds.
"Not just 'things' Emily. You had a whole secret life. I don't know who you are, who you were."
"You know me JJ, You know me better than anyone, ever, I showed myself to you in a way I never have to anyone." Emily insists. Silently she adds, and you rejected me.
"You never told me you had an abortion when you were 15." JJ finally blurts out, as if this was the thing bothering her all along.
"Rossi told you that?" Emily asks with horror as she scrambles to her feet. Instantly she berates herself for confiding in him in the first place. But she needed to get it off her chest. Before it consumed her.
JJ stands to her feet a second later and looks straight into Emily's eyes "Rossi knows? You told Rossi and you never told me?" JJ asks is horror, hurt and anger in her eyes. "This gets better and better."
"If Rossi didn't tell you..." Emily has long abandoned hope of reaching JJ, of rekindling anything they shared. And she isn't going to sit there and justify why she had not felt safe to confide in JJ at the time. She needs to know how JJ found out about this.
"When you took off, the team had to profile you, they did some digging." JJ informs her.
"They profiled me?" Emily asks in quiet disbelief.
"What did you expect? Yes, they profiled you. As a victim. To save your life. Don't go getting all high and mighty. If you had told someone what was going on, if you had trusted even one of us, then maybe the team wouldn't have had to profile you."
Emily knows JJ has a point. Knows she has lost the moral high ground. She doesn't know why she is so surprised. Emily leans back against the basement wall, as if she is going to collapse. "So. Everyone knows everything about me." She whispers into the darkness. She feels violated. Exposed. Judged. Like she can never face them again. Not one of them.
"Emily..." There is tenderness in JJ's voice again. JJ reaches out to stroke her hair, the way she always used to do, to comfort Emily. The way she had on Emily's first night 'back from the dead' when they had made love so tenderly.
Emily closes her eyes. She wants to fall into JJ's embrace and let JJ sweep all this away, but she can't. She is so filled with horror and shame, that she angrily pulls away from JJs touch.
JJ sighs wearily. "God, Emily, get over yourself. Why does it bug you so much. No one judges you. Everyone is so glad to have you back, why can't you just accept that?"
"Are you glad, JJ?" Emily asks while her back is turned to the other woman.
"You know I am. Didn't I show you that?" JJ asks as she pulls Emily into her embrace from behind, gently kissing her neck.
Emily wants to give in so badly. But she can't let herself. She just can't. "So." Emily asks. "That night? Was just a one off expression of your happiness to see me?"
"You know I have a husband, a baby. It's complicated." JJ starts on that long string of justification and excuses. Round and round in circles.
"Believe me, you made that very clear." Emily tells her bitterly.
"It is what it is, we have no choice in it. We've been through all this before Em." JJ tells her gently, reaching forward and caressing her cheek. "It doesn't mean that you're not important to me."
This time, Emily doesn't pull away. "You had a choice, JJ. You aren't the innocent victim." Emily tells her.
"What choice did I have?" JJ wants to know, her anger rising again, and she is the one to withdraw from Emily this time.
"You had a choice not to date Will behind my back for a year, how about that? Obviously I was never enough for you. You choose him. I can live with that JJ. But at least admit you made a choice. Own it. Do me that courtesy." Emily spits at her.
"What you're really saying, is that I should have aborted my baby, like you did?" Comes the accusation from JJ's mouth.
Somehow, now that Henry is a living breathing little boy with a cheeky grin and angelic blonde curly hair, it seems such a heinous thing to think. But the thought had crossed Emily's mind, way back then. How simple it would have been if there was no baby. Of course, Emily never believed the baby was the deciding factor for JJ. The baby was something JJ hid behind.
"I'm saying- this is the 21st century. You had a choice. And that's all I'm saying." Emily insists. "And you had a choice about Will long before you got pregnant." Emily adds.
"Abortion was never an option. I believe life begins at conception. It was never an option for me." JJ tells her.
"So, what you're saying is- abortion is murder. You're saying that I murdered my baby." Emily clarifies.
"Don't put words into my mouth. I'm saying, I'm entitled to my belief and you're entitled to yours. I suppose I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything in your life, not allowed to even know anything abut you." JJ adds sarcastically.
"I never, ever, suggested you should have had an abortion. I never told you what to do, about Will, about the baby, about anything. Ever, JJ." Emily is fighting back tears as she proclaims this. It's the one thing she is proud of. She let JJ go without humiliating herself and begging JJ to choose her. And now JJ is trying to take even that one thing away.
"No, you never did." JJ concedes. "Because it never mattered to you. You never told me to stop seeing Will, you never gave me a reason to. How should I know what you wanted?" It's a fair question but Emily has no answer.
"If you didn't know how I felt about you then just forget it, it's not worth even talking about this." Emily knows she is being unfair, that she had always been unfair in her expectations of JJ.
"I'm supposed to read your mind now?" JJ asks. "I know that you thought everything was my fault. That's something I know. You thought I was responsible for every bad thing in your life. Do you know how long I carried that around, Emily? Only to find years later that I never even knew you. You had a whole secret life before you joined the BAU. That not every bad thing that happened to you was my fault."
"I never blamed you for anything!" Emily yells. The words don't ring true. Emily had never outwardly blamed JJ. In fact, she never really believed JJ made the wrong choice in Will, in the family. It still hurt.
"Garcia told me, that night, my wedding night, she came to you apartment. She was worried about you. Found you passed out, with an empty pill bottle in your hand." JJ tells her in a shaky voice.
"Garcia told you that?" The betrayal stings. Emily feels dizzy with the knowledge every deep dark part of her life open for the team to inspect and judge and ridicule.
"Don't be mad at Garcia. She was worried about you. Do you know how it made me feel to hear about it from her? How responsible I felt? I am sorry I hurt you Emily, but I can't take feeling like I ruined your whole life with my one choice. Not when you never even had the courage to tell me that you loved me."
"I never blamed you, I never asked you to take the blame, I didn't even know you knew about that night." Emily's manages to say.
"Why did you take those pills? On my wedding night?" JJ asks the question that has been eating away at her for years.
"Why do you think, JJ?" Is all the explanation Emily is willing to offer her.
JJ doesn't answer. "You never said a word. You never lifted a finger to stop me being with Will. What was I supposed to make of that? I was so scared to ask you why you'd done it. Garcia told me to leave it alone, to leave you alone. So I did. But I never stopped blaming myself for hurting you like that."
Emily can hardly breathe, she can't think, so many feelings are crashing down around her and she frantically tries to compartmentalise them before they consume her. She manages, somehow, to push it all aside for a moment. As long as it takes for her to turn to JJ and do her best to comfort her, to lay the past to rest. "Nothing was your fault JJ, and I never thought it was."
With that, the two woman sit, silently, at opposite ends of the room, and wait for the team to find them.
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ (with a lot of bitter resentment and unresolved issues, but yes Emily/JJ)
Rating: PG ish for now
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all
Spoilers: Up to present day....set in early season 7 after Emily's return to the team.
Summary: As Emily struggles to integrate herself back into the BAU, the
building is locked down. Emily & JJ become embroiled in a bitter argument over
a case. The rest of the team witness as the situation quickly turns into
something more...
Chapter 2.
Earlier that day...
"It's just...you lied to me." JJ whispers in the cold darkness of the basement where she and Emily are huddled together trying to stay warm. They have been captured by a crazed serial killer. It's hardly the time for a deep and meaningful conversation. Yet, there is a sense of urgency, as if this might be their last day on earth, their last chance. Besides, there is nothing else to do to pass the time.
"I never lied to you." Emily insists, taking JJ by the hand.
"You have this whole secret past you never told me about." JJ explains.
"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't tell anyone." Initially, Emily is trying to reassure JJ, to smooth things over. She stares at the other woman pleadingly. But nothing is getting through to her. And in that moment, Emily snaps. "Besides, It's not like you never lied to me JJ." It's Emily's bitter tone rather than the accusation itself that gets JJ's back up.
"You wanna go dragging up ancient history like .. that?" JJ asks in disbelief as she relinquishes Emily's hand.
"You're dragging up my past, things that happened to me before I even met you." Emily responds.
"Not just 'things' Emily. You had a whole secret life. I don't know who you are, who you were."
"You know me JJ, You know me better than anyone, ever, I showed myself to you in a way I never have to anyone." Emily insists. Silently she adds, and you rejected me.
"You never told me you had an abortion when you were 15." JJ finally blurts out, as if this was the thing bothering her all along.
"Rossi told you that?" Emily asks with horror as she scrambles to her feet. Instantly she berates herself for confiding in him in the first place. But she needed to get it off her chest. Before it consumed her.
JJ stands to her feet a second later and looks straight into Emily's eyes "Rossi knows? You told Rossi and you never told me?" JJ asks is horror, hurt and anger in her eyes. "This gets better and better."
"If Rossi didn't tell you..." Emily has long abandoned hope of reaching JJ, of rekindling anything they shared. And she isn't going to sit there and justify why she had not felt safe to confide in JJ at the time. She needs to know how JJ found out about this.
"When you took off, the team had to profile you, they did some digging." JJ informs her.
"They profiled me?" Emily asks in quiet disbelief.
"What did you expect? Yes, they profiled you. As a victim. To save your life. Don't go getting all high and mighty. If you had told someone what was going on, if you had trusted even one of us, then maybe the team wouldn't have had to profile you."
Emily knows JJ has a point. Knows she has lost the moral high ground. She doesn't know why she is so surprised. Emily leans back against the basement wall, as if she is going to collapse. "So. Everyone knows everything about me." She whispers into the darkness. She feels violated. Exposed. Judged. Like she can never face them again. Not one of them.
"Emily..." There is tenderness in JJ's voice again. JJ reaches out to stroke her hair, the way she always used to do, to comfort Emily. The way she had on Emily's first night 'back from the dead' when they had made love so tenderly.
Emily closes her eyes. She wants to fall into JJ's embrace and let JJ sweep all this away, but she can't. She is so filled with horror and shame, that she angrily pulls away from JJs touch.
JJ sighs wearily. "God, Emily, get over yourself. Why does it bug you so much. No one judges you. Everyone is so glad to have you back, why can't you just accept that?"
"Are you glad, JJ?" Emily asks while her back is turned to the other woman.
"You know I am. Didn't I show you that?" JJ asks as she pulls Emily into her embrace from behind, gently kissing her neck.
Emily wants to give in so badly. But she can't let herself. She just can't. "So." Emily asks. "That night? Was just a one off expression of your happiness to see me?"
"You know I have a husband, a baby. It's complicated." JJ starts on that long string of justification and excuses. Round and round in circles.
"Believe me, you made that very clear." Emily tells her bitterly.
"It is what it is, we have no choice in it. We've been through all this before Em." JJ tells her gently, reaching forward and caressing her cheek. "It doesn't mean that you're not important to me."
This time, Emily doesn't pull away. "You had a choice, JJ. You aren't the innocent victim." Emily tells her.
"What choice did I have?" JJ wants to know, her anger rising again, and she is the one to withdraw from Emily this time.
"You had a choice not to date Will behind my back for a year, how about that? Obviously I was never enough for you. You choose him. I can live with that JJ. But at least admit you made a choice. Own it. Do me that courtesy." Emily spits at her.
"What you're really saying, is that I should have aborted my baby, like you did?" Comes the accusation from JJ's mouth.
Somehow, now that Henry is a living breathing little boy with a cheeky grin and angelic blonde curly hair, it seems such a heinous thing to think. But the thought had crossed Emily's mind, way back then. How simple it would have been if there was no baby. Of course, Emily never believed the baby was the deciding factor for JJ. The baby was something JJ hid behind.
"I'm saying- this is the 21st century. You had a choice. And that's all I'm saying." Emily insists. "And you had a choice about Will long before you got pregnant." Emily adds.
"Abortion was never an option. I believe life begins at conception. It was never an option for me." JJ tells her.
"So, what you're saying is- abortion is murder. You're saying that I murdered my baby." Emily clarifies.
"Don't put words into my mouth. I'm saying, I'm entitled to my belief and you're entitled to yours. I suppose I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything in your life, not allowed to even know anything abut you." JJ adds sarcastically.
"I never, ever, suggested you should have had an abortion. I never told you what to do, about Will, about the baby, about anything. Ever, JJ." Emily is fighting back tears as she proclaims this. It's the one thing she is proud of. She let JJ go without humiliating herself and begging JJ to choose her. And now JJ is trying to take even that one thing away.
"No, you never did." JJ concedes. "Because it never mattered to you. You never told me to stop seeing Will, you never gave me a reason to. How should I know what you wanted?" It's a fair question but Emily has no answer.
"If you didn't know how I felt about you then just forget it, it's not worth even talking about this." Emily knows she is being unfair, that she had always been unfair in her expectations of JJ.
"I'm supposed to read your mind now?" JJ asks. "I know that you thought everything was my fault. That's something I know. You thought I was responsible for every bad thing in your life. Do you know how long I carried that around, Emily? Only to find years later that I never even knew you. You had a whole secret life before you joined the BAU. That not every bad thing that happened to you was my fault."
"I never blamed you for anything!" Emily yells. The words don't ring true. Emily had never outwardly blamed JJ. In fact, she never really believed JJ made the wrong choice in Will, in the family. It still hurt.
"Garcia told me, that night, my wedding night, she came to you apartment. She was worried about you. Found you passed out, with an empty pill bottle in your hand." JJ tells her in a shaky voice.
"Garcia told you that?" The betrayal stings. Emily feels dizzy with the knowledge every deep dark part of her life open for the team to inspect and judge and ridicule.
"Don't be mad at Garcia. She was worried about you. Do you know how it made me feel to hear about it from her? How responsible I felt? I am sorry I hurt you Emily, but I can't take feeling like I ruined your whole life with my one choice. Not when you never even had the courage to tell me that you loved me."
"I never blamed you, I never asked you to take the blame, I didn't even know you knew about that night." Emily's manages to say.
"Why did you take those pills? On my wedding night?" JJ asks the question that has been eating away at her for years.
"Why do you think, JJ?" Is all the explanation Emily is willing to offer her.
JJ doesn't answer. "You never said a word. You never lifted a finger to stop me being with Will. What was I supposed to make of that? I was so scared to ask you why you'd done it. Garcia told me to leave it alone, to leave you alone. So I did. But I never stopped blaming myself for hurting you like that."
Emily can hardly breathe, she can't think, so many feelings are crashing down around her and she frantically tries to compartmentalise them before they consume her. She manages, somehow, to push it all aside for a moment. As long as it takes for her to turn to JJ and do her best to comfort her, to lay the past to rest. "Nothing was your fault JJ, and I never thought it was."
With that, the two woman sit, silently, at opposite ends of the room, and wait for the team to find them.