Drowning is not so pitiful (as the attempt to rise). Lost Fic: Kuliet: 1 of 3
Title : Drowning is not so pitiful ...
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Kate/Juliet (& some unfortunate implications of Jate & Jacket)
Rating: PG ish (Some swearing)
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
Summary: The dense jungle obscuring her view, Juliet sees only the back of his head as he stands facing Kate. Kate's clothes are saturated, clinging to her body. She tries to wipe her hair, wet and tangled, from her eyes. But the evening winds are blowing so forcefully around her, that her hair, not unlike the rest of her, simply won't be tamed.
A/N: I know I am so utterly annoying to keep starting new fics and never really completing the old ones. I find more and more that I have a strange aversion to endings and a terribly irritating tendency to leave things hanging. I can only apologise for this, and make every attempt to rectify this in the future.
Dedication: Written especially for f3iv3lin3 who is too extremely awesome for words to describe. And with special thanks to zippy88 for the amaing feedback and encouragement. I <3 you guys xoxox. Thanks to all the wonderful people out there who read and leave feedback.
Drowning is not so pitiful....
….As the attempt to rise
(Emily Dickinson)
The harsh shouting rings in Juliet's ears as she approaches the caves. Angry bitter arguing that instantly catches her attention. No, it is none of her business. But she can't turn away. She can't keep her eyes off Kate. Juliet, who spent the past three years perfecting that alarming composure in the face of the starkest horror. Juliet, who refused to let the world see even a glimpse of what was going on in her head. Never flinching, never blinking. Juliet, of all people, finds herself helpless under Kate Austen's spell. Juliet finds herself holding her breath in silence as she watches on from behind the bushes.
The dense jungle obscuring her view, Juliet sees only the back of his head as he stands facing Kate. Kate's clothes are saturated, clinging to her body. She tries to wipe her hair, wet and tangled, from her eyes. But the evening winds are blowing so forcefully around her, that her hair, not unlike the rest of her, simply won't be tamed.
He is rough with her, reaching for her wrists and grabbing her brutally, shaking her violently. It makes Juliet cringe, knowing all too well her arms are still red and raw from the handcuffs. He pulls her close, whispering to her, something Juliet can't make out. Then, he pushes her away. She stumbles backwards, shocked. And for a minute Juliet thinks her legs are going to give way beneath her. But she recovers quickly, taking a hesitant step closer to him, reaching out towards him. Juliet sees now that he is wet also, hair sleeked back, clothes dripping to the ground.
He turns away, cursing under his breath. When he turns back to find her right infront of his face, he screams at her, in pure rage. “What the hell were you thinking, Kate?!”
And she, Kate Austen, just stands there. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. Letting him speak to her like trash. She doesn't even blink.
Juliet has seen her shaken many times. Tortured and threatened and beaten. But she has never seen Kate stand there and take shit like that from anyone. Even Juliet. Rubbing her shoulder sub consciously, Juliet remembers the way Kate yanked it from it's socket. The way she had argued, relentlessly. Too proud and stubborn to back away from a fight. Even when she could see she was only making things worse for herself. Kate was a far cry from a helpless woman unable to defend herself. But that's exactly how she appears in that moment.
Helpless. And small. And Downtrodden. And Meek. It stirs a protectiveness in Juliet that has no place on this island. There is no place for those kind of feelings for Kate. Kate, who single handedly made Juliet's life a living hell since moving to the beach. Stirring the rest of the survivors up, reminding them at every turn that Juliet was an “other” that Juliet couldn't be trusted. Sure, there were those who followed after Jack's leading, accepting Juliet. But Kate made sure there was always someone equally hostile towards Juliet. And Juliet didn't doubt it would go on for however long she happened to be stuck on this wretched island. If she tried hard enough she could even blame Kate for ruining her chance, and Jacks, to get off this damn island. Though Juliet is careful with that one. Cautious parcelling out blame, all too aware of her own guilt in that department.
Pushing her misguided flicker of compassion for Kate Austen aside, Juliet lets curiosity take over. Silently, she seconds his question, what the hell was Kate thinking? What on earth is going on?
The breeze shifts the trees slightly and Juliet loses her view. Unable to see what happens next, she strains her ears to listen. There is only silence. For the longest moment. Then she hears, faintly, a crunching sound. And before she can begin to decipher it's meaning, she hears Kate screaming.
It's a tormented harrowing scream that pierces Juliet's ears and her heart. For the first time in three years Juliet lets her guard down. For the first time in three years she doesn't stop to think about appearances, how it would look pathetically spying from the bushes, or why she would care the first thing about Kate Austen. For the first time in three years, she acts before she thinks. And hastily emerges from her hiding spot, revealing herself.
She is half expecting to find Kate bleeding, bruised, to find that Jack has knocked her to the ground, though this doesn't quite fit with the image she has of Jack in her head. She is half expecting to find Kate dead on the ground, from the intensity of the blood curdling scream she had heard from her throat.
By the time Juliet reaches the scene, Jack has turned, walking hastily away into the darkness towards the caves. If he sees her, he makes no sign of it. Kate is on her knees. The ground had been dry these past days, it's only that she, so wet in her dripping clothing, leaves a trail of mud all around her. She sits there, unashamedly in the filth. She makes no sound.
Juliet can feel the intensity of emotions emanating from her. Shame, and fear, and unmistakable rage.
Juliet isn't certain what to do, and glances awkwardly over her shoulder for Jack, but he has vanished. Now that she's made the decision to jump heroically from her spying post, she can hardly turn and walk away.
As she kneels beside Kate, fighting the fleeting irritation that her own clothing is becoming wet and muddied, Juliet notices Kate is gasping for air. She glances over the top of Kate's head, to the waterhole behind her, shimmering silver in the moonlight. She pictures Kate, and Jack, soaking wet, fully clothed, on such a cold night, and tries to imagine what has transpired between them to leave them both in such a state. To leave him so angry, so brutal with her. And her so complacent and silent. And then that ghastly scream that shook Juliet to the core. She tries to come up with some sort of explanation, there is none.
Kate is cradling something in her hands, and as Juliet reaches her own hand toward her, she violently pulls away, standing shakily to her feet.
“Fuck off Juliet.” She spits at the other woman, in the same tone that Juliet been expecting her to use with Jack moments ago when instead Kate had just stood there mutely in the face of his attack. It strikes Juliet as unfair, what had she done now that warranted being spoken to in such away? But she pushes her righteous indignation aside, and lets compassion creep in. She can see that those words cost Kate dearly. Kate is standing with her back up against a tree, coughing and spluttering, trying to catch her breath. She is shivering, her hands shaking, and it sends chills down Juliet's spine just watching her stand there soaking wet in the cold breeze.
Finally, she slows her breathing. Juliet stands to her feet beside Kate, and removes her own jacket, attempting to place it around Kate's shoulders in a gesture of kindness that seems appropriate. Seems more appropriate than words could be. A gesture that reminds Juliet of who she is. Who she once had been, anyway. A compassionate, caring, forgiving person. Not this cold monster that Kate accused her of being. In that moment it felt good to be her old self again, all Juliet wanted was for Kate to see that she was not the evil person Kate made her out to be.
Angrily Kate flings the jacket into the mud. “I told you, fuck off. “
Juliet's new found compassion is fast wearing thin. Irritated, she replies. “I just thought you might need...”
But Kate interrupts before she can finish. “I don't need anything from you. You're the last person I need something from.”
Kate walks away into the night, then. But not before stomping her foot into Juliet's jacket, pressing it into the muddied ground.
Juliet is angry now. That was just uncalled for. Juliet wants to follow after Kate and teach her a lesson, no one treats Juliet Burke like that. She could be forgiving up to a point. After all, she had kidnapped Kate, Jack , Sawyer. Kate was right about the things she's done, horrendous things. But it's not like Kate is innocent. Kate is a cold blooded killer, she has no right to be looking down on Juliet. Enough is enough. At least that's what Juliet tells herself. That's how she justifies in her own mind the reason that she is going to go after Kate.
Jack's voice pulls her from her thoughts “Leave her be Juliet, she isn't worth it.” He emerges from the caves, having changed into dry clothing. His hand outstretched towards Juliet, he beckons her close.
She want to tell Jack that, yes, Kate is worth it. But she's aware the sentiment would sound insincere from her lips . Worse, it would sound downright insane.
Juliet knows the sensible choice. Jack is her life line. Since the others left her behind, he is the only one with any faith in her. The only one willing to give her a chance. The only thing standing between her and certain death if Kate manages to convince enough people that she is a threat to their survival. He's also standing there, hand outstretched to her, beckoning her to come to him. Kate told her to 'fuck off'. Twice. It's not like she needs Juliet.. She doesn't even want Juliet near her.
Yet that's how Juliet feels, exactly. Like Kate needs her desperately. And even though it's crazy. Even though Kate made it clear Juliet was the last person she needed, Juliet cant turn her back on it. It's an urge that's stronger even than her anger for Kate. Juliet feels in that moment that she's just spent the last three years on the wrong side of a war. The last three years making the wrong choices, compromising her integrity, turning her back on who she is. She can't do it any more, not even one more time. She can't walk away from Kate when everything in her is screaming out that she has to follow after her. It's what Juliet needs to do, regardless of Kate's needs or desires.
“What happened?” Juliet asks Jack as he reaches and retrieves the muddy jacket from the ground.
“Nothing. Just Kate being Kate.” He answers cryptically. Juliet knows there is no point pushing him for answers. He doesn't want to tell. Something about the disdain in his voice for Kate makes Juliet despise him in that moment, against all her common sense. “Forget about her.” Jack insists.
“Oh, no.” Juliet tells him. “She isn't going to get away with treating me like that.” She snatches her jacket from his grasp. Jack smiles, amused, and makes no move to stop her as she storms off in Kate Austen's footsteps.