"The Saint," or "A Val for All Seasons"
While Val Kilmer is certainly in better movies -- Thunderheart, Tombstone -- this is the one I enjoy spending time in the most. It's like how I Will Remember You is a much better episode than Carpe Noctem, but if you watched it all the time it would injure your heart, so you watch Carpe Noctem instead because it still has the characters you love, but it's easy.
The Saint is about Simon Templar, who is actually based on a character in a series of British books. (Written, to my delight, by a half-English, half-Chinese guy named "Leslie.") There have been other film adaptations, and also a British television show. He's called the Saint because he uses saints' names as aliases, and also -- this was a little overly cute, the only reason I'm mentioning it -- because his initials are "ST."
This movie is basically James Bond for girls. It's flashy and there are gadgets and guns and puns, but instead of basically being one giant penis metaphor Simon is strangely a good boyfriend. I'm going to come back to this point many times throughout my review.
I do not love this intro, and usually skip it when I'm watching the DVDs, but I do recognize that it's necessary to the story. That aside, my comments on the intro are this: those priests are dicks, and hurray! They actually cast a blonde kid to play Young!Val (that's right, Batman Forever. I'm talking to you.)
I cannot tell you how much I enjoy Simon's "who are you?" moments. Sitting at the mirror, studying his face, the way it moves. Becoming someone else.
I don't really have a thing for accents, but I find multilingual people very attractive. I think it's because I am attracted, in general -- and especially in men -- to people who are very skilled at something. So, in addition to me loving the multilingual thing, I also really love the master thief thing.
I think this for both of Tretiak's speeches: a nationalistic Russian leader would absolutely not give a speech in English. I understand it was done to facilitate understanding and cut down on the number of subtitles an American audience has to read -- which is, frankly, above average for a movie of this kind -- but still. It stops me every time.
The writing and the actor both do an excellent job of making Ilya a little shit.
"I love this country." I love that voice.
The neoprene suit is bringing him to room temperature, just like they didn't want to do in Sneakers because it would suffocate Marty. The Saint + Sneakers = perfect thief love. I can only hope there's fic . . .
Every time I watch this, I think it's stupid of him to leave pieces of his disguise all over the place. Although I guess leaving clues is a better idea than keeping incriminating evidence on you, but still.
Simon is the only one who pronounces "Martin de Porres" correctly, and only while he's actually being Martin de Porres. Also, I kind of love him. He may be vain and kind of slutty, but he's stylish, funny, and lovely. "The laying on of hands" indeed.
Hi, Emily Mortimer! She plays a one-night stand for Val in The Saint, but, just the year before, she played his wife in The Ghost and the Darkness. I always want to know if that kind of thing is chance, or if, I don't know, the first actress backed out and Val's like, "Hey, I know this girl . . ." (Because, despite what I want to believe about talent and drive getting you through in life, it really all is who you know. Bleh.)
Whoa whoa wait. Simon lives at the Halcyon Hotel? "Halcion" is the brand name of "triazolam," a hypnotic drug sometimes prescribed to people with dissociative identity disorder. I LOVE THIS DEVELOPMENT
Such a good detail that he's even got an alternate identity to his manager.
Ha! Even his password is from the Bible. Poor Catholic boy.
LOL, 1990's interwebs. I'm sure all this was super high tech at the time. It makes me wonder what contemporary movies will look like in thirty years. Ridiculous, I'm sure.
I do think it's very brave, especially for a movie of this genre, for some of the hero's disguises to be decidedly uncool.
Bruno? Very unsexy. But appropriate and hilarious.
"He's not a racecar; nobody runs him." This script is really very clever in some places. Although the fact is belied in the very next sentence by Tretiak's completely unsubtle threat.
"But you want Mother Russia, too." God, he's so sharp. It doesn't really come across as his chief characteristic -- it could be because I'm distracted by Thomas More's swerve and general state of undress, true -- but he really is very smart. Again; Val plays a lot of smart characters.
I like that, even though he's there to work, and even though he's in his unsexiest disguise, Simon is still trying to get laid. Or maybe he just enjoys flirting. Either way: adorable.
I also like that he strikes out at first. Another taboo of the genre. Would that ever have happened to James Bond? I don't think so.
Hee, he knows the Shelley Monument by sight. Such a rewarding detail.
Simon's tiny camera is hilarious.
Emma has too many goldfish in that fishtank, but it's another good little detail; he sees fish in her apartment, and then later when he's doing his little I psychically know everything about you thing (a trope I love, btw) he adds, "you love fish" to the list. Nicely done.
"How can I love a man named Percy?" LOL I like the subtlety of Simon's growing appreciation for Emma. At the lecture he finds her attractive, and then when she gets up and speaks he finds himself moved by her passion. Then he goes into her apartment, and he finds the picture of the Shelley monument, which he likes, too. Then he finds books strewn all over the place, and that intrigues him. And then he reads her writing, and he likes her sense of humor and her faith
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's stop for a moment and talk about Emma's prescription. First, the bottle says "Dr. E. Russell." No pharmacy puts "Dr" by anyone's name except the prescribing physician; also, I thought in England they were really strict about the use of "doctor." They don't call surgeons "doctor;" are they going to call someone with a PhD "doctor?" (I'm really asking; does anyone know?) Also, the directions are "take as directed by your doctor," which would be written for a heart medicine approximately never. That said, they are actually using the drug, propranolol, correctly, to my utter shock. Score one for team Saint.
I really enjoy Simon's smooth, gradual transition to Thomas More, how his voice changes just as he's thinking about it. "No one has a clue [who I am], least of all me." Poor Simon.
Let's get it out of the way: LEATHER PANTS. Also, he kind of looks like the Lion King, LOL. I like that he is in a pose reminiscent of the Shelley monument, but not exactly copying it. It's little details like this that make me want to see the shooting script; was that in the script, or is it an actory thing? (You know what else I wonder that about? When Doc Holliday's on the porch, right before he says, "I'm your huckleberry" for the first time, and he just coyly slides his gun hand behind his back. I think that's an actor thing, not a script thing, and it's small details like both of these that you really hang onto, that really make you love a movie.)
Jesus, his face when Emma's describing how the monument makes her feel. If it was solely textual, I think Thomas's "romancing" of Emma would creep me out, but both Val and Elisabeth Shue are selling it 150% so it comes out completely believable and earnest and charming.
I cannot tell you how much I enjoy the mental image of Simon making that little craft project to leave for Emma.
I cannot decide how I feel about the poem. "Who did you write it for?" "You . . . are following me." If he never directly answers her question, but leaves "you" hanging there, pregnant, like a suggestion, that's fine. That's really smart, in fact. But if he answers her question and then moves on, Emma is stupid. And I don't know which it's supposed to be. The subtitles say, "You. You are following me," which is the stupid way. But it sounds like, when it's spoken, "You . . . are following me."
Where is the damn shooting script when I need it?
Lordy, he's got good hands.
"What else do you keep in there?" Again, textually: creepy. But both actors are just so devoted to making it work, and they do have good chemistry, so I'm actually quite charmed.
I want to know whether Simon put his money in his underwear because he magically knew that's where Emma kept important things -- when he's sneaking around her apartment, the camera stops for a moment on an unattended bra, but there isn't anything in it, so I don't know if I'm just missing the significance, or what -- or that's just where he keeps it, and that's something they have in common. I like the latter explanation better.
Simon says aloud things like, "I don't want to tell you [my name]. I don't want to do that" and Emma never questions him.
Oh, geez, when she "reads" him, his face. He's never been so close to anyone, ever, and it's terrifying. And I know, of course, that there's no reason for Emma to know most of these tihngs -- "your work is very dangerous" -- and that it's totally a trope, but I adore it enough that I do not care.
He runs away! Oh, my heart.
This second mirror moment is excellently crafted. Ostensibly, he's using the mirror to wound himself correctly, but he takes a brief moment to assess his reflection, to try and figure out who the hell he is. His character is slipping, and it's never happened to him before, and he needs to refocus, so he goes back into his ritual. Nicely done.
LOL, Simon's explanation is so lame. He's lucky Emma is so naive.
I was on board with Simon and Emma maybe working toward a relationship after their little dinner talk, but the scene where she's tending to his wound sold me a million percent. It's just this tiny little throwaway scene, only a few minutes long, and the way the movie is set up it's supposed to pale in comparison to what happens next, when they undress each other and he takes her to bed -- well, no, he takes himself to her bed, an offering, and that's so much better -- but right here is where I bought it absolutely. They do so many little things that show how well they interact, and how interested they are in the other person, little jokes and touches, and just the way the actors relate to each other . . . it's a slam dunk, absolutely a slam dunk. In real life, when you like somebody there's rarely a grand gesture connected to it; it's all little things, and this scene has dozens of those. This might be the best scene in the movie.
He's surprised, and confused, when she asks him to take off his sweater, but he does it. Before she explains, he does it. Really good.
She looks so pretty. <3
"I wish you could understand. I want you to know who I am." I believe he lies to her as little as possible, and not at all once she takes him back to her apartment. He genuinely does want her to know who he is; for the first time in his life he feels close to someone; for the first time in his life he cannot hold his character.
I need someone to explain to me how Emma got down to her underwear without taking off her shoes or jacket.
I'm sure this soundtrack was very hip fifteen years ago, which means that it is now very hilarious.
Can I mention again how much I like that Simon goes to bed to wait for her, instead of taking her to bed? He cancels his job and he gives himself to her. (Okay, yes, I'm an enormous girl, but it makes me giddy. I want to draw hearts around it.)
The "I'm sorry" notes were not the only way to show that he took her secrets -- in fact, this scene could have been completely omitted; they could have gone right on to the next scene of Simon taking a picture of the cards, and no plot would have been lost. But the image you get seeing them, all the half dozen cards (well, there's seven, I guess) with, "I'm sorry" written on them . . . it creates such a strong image of what must have happened, Simon cutting identically-sized pieces of paper, writing, "I'm sorry" on each one, and then folding them up into quarters, hating himself more and more every second. A really good detail. One of many really good, character details that are the reason I love this movie the way I do.
And he's drinking when he sends the formula to Tretiak, not eating an apple like he was the last time he was online. Even though it's early in the morning, and he had a lot to drink the night before. He's never known himself, but he's also never hated himself. Really good.
(Also, there's no reason for him to be shirtless in this scene, but I approve.)
This detail of the chandelier is excellent.
Simon and Tretiak's pun-off: delightful. They really do enjoy each other on a certain level.
They just shoot that desk clerk! Like working in a hotel isn't bad enough.
I really like that Simon tells the police officer that Ilya's armed, even though it delays his get away. He's really a good guy, despite his slightly unsavory line of work. Like later, when he should shoot that guard, but he doesn't, he puts himself in trouble by just knocking him out.
The New Scotland Yard sucks! They didn't know what Simon's aliases meant, and they tell Emma practically everything they have on Simon. What if she'd been his accomplice? Unbelievable.
I suspect there's a deleted scene in regards to, "pretending to be so bad in bed;" Simon mentions it twice, once to Tretiak and once to Emma.
Though I love, love Val's voice, I am also very impressed by his control over it. He really does sound just like Tretiak, just like in The Doors his singing was indistinguishable from Morrison's even to members of the band. And in Tombstone, he sounds like a completely different person. That's something not a lot of actors bother to change, and it's really very effective. Anche: I have this very rewarding image of Val following Rade Serbedzija around set, repeating everything he says in his own voice.
"I'm overwhelmed. You found me." And he is. He keeps coming back to it; he must say it a dozen times throughout the movie. She's the only one who's ever found him; she's the only one who's cared enough to look.
I also really like that Simon does not tell her the real reason he "had to" steal her cards. It's more realistic; we don't tell people so many things we should, so many things that would just fix things if we shared.
"It's because you're in love." This is another of my favorite tropes; like Angel on Buffy, he forces her to tell him she loves him before he tells her. He's never felt this way before, and it's terrifying; much more terrifying than such pedestrian concerns as being shot at or jumping from a ten story building.
"I would have given them to you." I don't believe her. She wouldn't even let him touch them.
Why did Simon take this job? He knows Tretiak's influence, and clearly disapproves of him in general, and he just did a job putting him on Tretiak's bad side. It's a bad idea all around, yet he takes the job. Very odd.
Maybe I'm perverse, but I really enjoy watching Val arrested.
"While you're down there . . ." Again, textually, that would completely squick me. But again, the actors make it charming.
I love that he kisses her the first available moment. He practically has little hearts for eyes.
"What do you want from me?" Good answer. I really like this scene, too; their chemistry is excellent -- Jesus, the way he looks at her, even when he's listening to her speak, this love-myopic concentration of her lips, her face -- and I love their back and forth.
Movies in which Val is involved in kiss me so the people chasing us don't see us, let us count them:
- The Saint
- Top Secret!
- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Am I missing any?
The first time I saw this movie, I didn't understand why they were so close, but then I realized that she's inside his coat (ridiculously sexy, btw). Someone didn't pack for Russia!
"I don't have a name. . . . I don't have a home." It's true, and it's hard for him to say; he's never told anyone that before. And she runs away. He expects, because of the intensity of his emotion, because of the way he operates within the world, that being honest with her will be enough to keep her.
I really like that she tries to kick him, but when he catches her mid-motion she's looking at him like she wants to slam him against the wall and kiss him again.
The water. That was stupid; I wonder what he would have done if Emma had not been with him.
He really does hypothermic very well, his motions all stupid and slow. And how he lets himself fall all over her, because he feels comfortable to her, and he wants to be close to her . . . and his drugged stupor will let him do something he wouldn't normally (more on that in a minute).
(I'm also very sure that this is exactly how it happened on set. "Val, no offense, but you're heavy. You could help me here." "Can't. Frozen." *flop*)
"Mahogany" is not a word in my other languages dictionary.
Here's what I don't like about the hooker with a heart of gold plot. Besides there being a hooker with a heart of gold. These Americans go into these Russians' home, and they hide there. That I'm fine with. But then Ilya comes in looking for the Americans, and he shoots and kills one of the Russians, and everyone's pretty much cool with it. White Americans taking advantage of native peoples and getting them killed say what?
I really like the "I always escape" scene, too. It relates nicely back to the "take your pants off" scene at her apartment; Emma is in control, and Simon is letting her undress him and hold him. It's not really a feminism thing (though my femdom center is pleased); if Simon is in charge, it's harder to like him; it's like he's taking advantage of her, like a mark or any of the multitude of other women he's used over the years, like Emily Mortimer on the plane. It's also -- and this is my very favorite part -- very antithetical to the way heroes are normally portrayed in these kinds of movies. Has James Bond ever let a woman undress him?
And then, another of my favorite tropes: getting your character drunk (or, in this case, hypothermic) so they say things they normally wouldn't say. Raymond Carver loved this trope, and I use it, too (think about Angel in Ghosts). It speeds things up
"They took everything, they took Agnes." They took his name.
"I never felt like this before. "Like what?" "I'm freezing!" I love this movie.
I like that he's still in kind of a post-hypothermia stupor, still moving slowly, and Emma has to tell him what to do, guide him with her hands.
I really enjoy Emma's silent reactions to Simon haggling with Frankie. If it had been up to Emma, it would've been, "Ten thousand dollars? Sure! Will you take a check? How about a kidney?" It's her first real look into how different Simon's world is from hers on a banal, not being chased by Russian Mafia kind of way.
People are always blackmailing Val's watches from him. First Grampa Reaches, now this.
LOL, everyone just watches Simon with his mini-blowtorch like it ain't no thang.
Sure, I'll buy that they beat the wire. But that much water, coming at that speed through a space that small, would have broken their legs. Have you ever heard the term water cannon?
Damn that Ilya Tretiak! He's everywhere they want to be.
Simon's "diversion" is extremely well telegraphed.
Again, I want to see the shooting script! "Ilya sees Simon." "Simon waggles his eyebrows at Ilya." "Simon gets Ilya's attention." I want to know what it said, and what Val thought would be hilarious. I must know!
What is with Ilya spitting on everyone?
He makes sure she knows he's okay. Would James Bond do that? No.
I do not understand the significance of the Klan poster in Tretiak's office. I Googled it and I still don't understand.
"Only Dr. Russell can spoil my plan." LOL, Bond villain much?
"I thought we'd drink some vodka to get warm." You cannot refuse vodka in Russia.
Does the cleaning woman routinely wear an enormous fur hat while cleaning? I mean, Tretiak actually has heat.
"With a big nuclear missile where your prick used to be." Ugh, boys. This exact phrase, I'm sure, has been uttered in the White House at least once.
SIMON MENDED HER WEAK HEART OMIGOD Okay, that's ridiculous but they've got me so I love it.
August Christopher is dressed like Dick Tracy.
I don't really understand Emma forcing Simon to tell her his name again. His reaction is more understandable; she rent something from him when he was weak, and he's resentful and maybe even afraid; he gave her something he's never given anyone. But why she asks him again, that I don't get. If it's just to introduce this "Simon becoming a saint" nonsense, I'm annoyed.
He just disappears. I frickin' love this movie.
I'm not sure how I feel about the introduction of this "Simon becoming a saint" thing so late in the movie. I mean, it's late in the game to have this whole theme to complete, and I find Emma's letter at the end kind of . . . hokey. But I am really won over by the "miracle three" payoff, so I am torn.
That is not the guy Lou was talking with before.
Are those Bruce Wayne's glasses? No, I think they're even bigger than that. Oh my.
That cutaway of Frankie's hand is oddly placed; at first you think it's Simon's hand, waiting for the map of the alternate route, but then it's the wrong size and in the wrong position, and also wearing gloves. Strange editing. That said, they're actually quite cute together.
Oh, my. I hate to be such a typical girl, but Val in that uniform just fires me up on all cylinders.
See what I was talking about, the payoff with the chandelier? Nicely done.
"Mr. President, I'm your friend." "Well, there's shooting in the hallway, and a revolution brewing outside, but okay, Mysterious Stranger. If you say so."
Ilya wants Simon dead more than ever, but instead of shooting him, or having his goons take him somewhere to torture him or what have you, he drags him outside to see Tretiak's speech? I don't get it.
Simon's plan is actually pretty clever. He figured out a lot.
I find it interesting that apparently the whole embassy knows not only what cold fusion is, but who Emma is.
He's waiting for her again, but this time he takes her to bed, and they undress each other. Really nice progression.
And, possibly my favorite trope of all time: "Tell me you love me. Say my name when you tell me you love me."
And she leaves him to wake up alone, leaves him with just a note, just like he did to her. Nice symmetry.
I am really confused by the wardrobe choice in this scene. Is that, like, an overcoat? "I'm naked and by myself, I think I'll throw on this overcoat, because that'll make things less weird?" What?
The whole "Simon's just in it for the money" thing feels like such a misfire to me. It gets old really fast; I think he proves that he loves her, that he's not playing her, many times without having to spell it out so obviously.
The little saint pin Emma leaves him is the symbol and calling card of Simon Templar in the books (and also the British television show). Nice wink there, though I find it in keeping with the theme that Emma gives it to him, instead of him leaving it for someone else.
I have been very vocal on how excellent I think both actors are in this movie, but I think Elisabeth Shue looks a little too startled here. Her reaction always takes me out of the scene.
Oh, God, when he closes his eyes, winces from the enormity of emotion, what he has gained and what he has to leave, my heart, people.
I love this little forecast of how their life together is going to be. "Oh no, my boyfriend's leaving my lecture . . . wait, it's because he's being chased by federal agents. Okay."
And it ends just like Sneakers! Tell me there are crossovers!!