When God closes a door...
somewhere nothing happens because God doesn't exist. Mwhahahahaha!!!
Anywho, I figure life is made up of statistics. There is no such thing as fate, or karma, or god's divine will. It is all bogus. It is the odds of shit happening that create the fairy tale we call life.
Like I've said to myself before, shit is going to hit the fan. I've been really...lucky? Fortunate? these past few weeks because everything was going smoothly. First time that happened in gosh I don't know when. It was an amazing feeling, like a memory that you had forgotten about til one day BAM! there it is in your head. Like a long lost friend coming home. Oh who am I kidding I never had any friends. ;)
I'm away from the point though. I just knew, through this haze of happiness, that it would not last. Something was going to go wrong, something I had no control over. It was gonna happen. Any second!!!
And well...it did. Because things couldn't stay nice forever. I've just been horribly dismissed. By people...I don't even really care about to begin with. But, again, my worst fear as happened. I've been blown off, royally fucked in the ass, slapped in the face...you name it. My worst fear. It's happened again.
I've come to realize its not something I will ever be able to control. As long as I interact with people, this will happen. I know that with every one of my friends...this will be the inevitable outcome. It might take longer for some than for others, but it will happen in time. This time, I will not get angry. This time I will accept the hurt. I won't blame anyone, I won't spend hours obsessing over what went wrong and how people can do this to other people. I owe myself more than that.
I won't even take it as a loss. Because I'm...behind the fence. That is to say, I am...happy with myself. Alone and disliked or not. I've worked very hard to get here. For the first time in my life I'm doing shit right. All the ignoring, all the ditches in the world, will not take that away from me. I'm doing ok for once in my life and I think I'm strong enough to deal with this.
I mean, Ashley of 4 years ago, can you believe it? Would it have made you happy to know that though there would be sadness, that everything was OK? I hope so. Like Yoda said, there is no try...there is only do or do not. Indeed, and I'm do-ing my head off.
Tomorrow, for the first time in official capacity, I will be behind the fence. Can you believe it? This is only the first fence, think of how many fences I will be behind from now on!! Haha ;)
So, to all the people weighing on my heart, pulling it down. I take it back from you. You can't have it any longer. <3 Maybe I'll share it again, maybe I'll keep it all to myself. It gets the best care in my hands anyway.
I can't say one day I'll give it all away. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But I bet no matter what, as long as *I* care for it the way it should be cared for...I'll be ok.
Dude! Behind the fence!! *cackles*
Anywho, I figure life is made up of statistics. There is no such thing as fate, or karma, or god's divine will. It is all bogus. It is the odds of shit happening that create the fairy tale we call life.
Like I've said to myself before, shit is going to hit the fan. I've been really...lucky? Fortunate? these past few weeks because everything was going smoothly. First time that happened in gosh I don't know when. It was an amazing feeling, like a memory that you had forgotten about til one day BAM! there it is in your head. Like a long lost friend coming home. Oh who am I kidding I never had any friends. ;)
I'm away from the point though. I just knew, through this haze of happiness, that it would not last. Something was going to go wrong, something I had no control over. It was gonna happen. Any second!!!
And well...it did. Because things couldn't stay nice forever. I've just been horribly dismissed. By people...I don't even really care about to begin with. But, again, my worst fear as happened. I've been blown off, royally fucked in the ass, slapped in the face...you name it. My worst fear. It's happened again.
I've come to realize its not something I will ever be able to control. As long as I interact with people, this will happen. I know that with every one of my friends...this will be the inevitable outcome. It might take longer for some than for others, but it will happen in time. This time, I will not get angry. This time I will accept the hurt. I won't blame anyone, I won't spend hours obsessing over what went wrong and how people can do this to other people. I owe myself more than that.
I won't even take it as a loss. Because I'm...behind the fence. That is to say, I am...happy with myself. Alone and disliked or not. I've worked very hard to get here. For the first time in my life I'm doing shit right. All the ignoring, all the ditches in the world, will not take that away from me. I'm doing ok for once in my life and I think I'm strong enough to deal with this.
I mean, Ashley of 4 years ago, can you believe it? Would it have made you happy to know that though there would be sadness, that everything was OK? I hope so. Like Yoda said, there is no try...there is only do or do not. Indeed, and I'm do-ing my head off.
Tomorrow, for the first time in official capacity, I will be behind the fence. Can you believe it? This is only the first fence, think of how many fences I will be behind from now on!! Haha ;)
So, to all the people weighing on my heart, pulling it down. I take it back from you. You can't have it any longer. <3 Maybe I'll share it again, maybe I'll keep it all to myself. It gets the best care in my hands anyway.
I can't say one day I'll give it all away. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But I bet no matter what, as long as *I* care for it the way it should be cared for...I'll be ok.
Dude! Behind the fence!! *cackles*