well
i spent an exhilarating weekend with friends. and by exhilarating i mean i drank every night and woke up feeling shitty. but that's cool. i needed it, i think. maybe not the drinking but i really like being in an alternate state of reality only when reality dips below the acceptable level of shitty. and that has definitely occurred. i'm trying to be okay. Carlos has promised to come on Skype more and talk to me, and i really appreciate that. its nice to know that he still cares, even though we only saw each other for three months. we were very close, and i miss feeling that with someone. i just realized that this whole entry is totally and utterly worthless because the only people reading it probably arent reading it or caring what i have to say because i screamed at them that i didnt want to be friends and then went emo on them. sigh.
i hate being nice to people now though. it literally has no bearing on how people treat me anymore. no matter how nice i am, it doesnt do a thing for me. i suppose thats a very selfish way of looking at things, but i feel hardened to the alternative now. peace and love used to be a soft pillow that smelled like you, a cigarette shivering on the balcony while you paced back and forth like you always do, and a deep sleep wrapped in your comforter and your arms. if thats all i ask for out of life, and i dont get it.... i fail to see the point of letting anyone in anymore. plus, im always terrified i wont get to do things for my career that i really want to do like, work in Spain, have time to write a novel, that no one will like my poetry and want to publish me. those things are almost as important to me as the people that i love are. I have not written my statement of motivation. i just dont have it in me; i cant string words together because im having this other crisis that wont let me care about going to spain. i want conclusive results about my relationships and where they stand and what you REALLY think of me, before i even think about leaving this country. im terrified!!!!!!! and you sir, are not texting me back or answering my calls. which is interesting, because if i recall im the one that got dumped and heartbroken. im really angry! i should not be talking. but i cant help it! how can you help it? was i wrong when i thought that i was helping you and that you loved me and that you still love me? and who do you love if not me? and why? and how? and what?!
i mean, im hanging in the balance here and one day the scale is going to tip and i hope it tips the right way because.... i might lose it.
i hate being nice to people now though. it literally has no bearing on how people treat me anymore. no matter how nice i am, it doesnt do a thing for me. i suppose thats a very selfish way of looking at things, but i feel hardened to the alternative now. peace and love used to be a soft pillow that smelled like you, a cigarette shivering on the balcony while you paced back and forth like you always do, and a deep sleep wrapped in your comforter and your arms. if thats all i ask for out of life, and i dont get it.... i fail to see the point of letting anyone in anymore. plus, im always terrified i wont get to do things for my career that i really want to do like, work in Spain, have time to write a novel, that no one will like my poetry and want to publish me. those things are almost as important to me as the people that i love are. I have not written my statement of motivation. i just dont have it in me; i cant string words together because im having this other crisis that wont let me care about going to spain. i want conclusive results about my relationships and where they stand and what you REALLY think of me, before i even think about leaving this country. im terrified!!!!!!! and you sir, are not texting me back or answering my calls. which is interesting, because if i recall im the one that got dumped and heartbroken. im really angry! i should not be talking. but i cant help it! how can you help it? was i wrong when i thought that i was helping you and that you loved me and that you still love me? and who do you love if not me? and why? and how? and what?!
i mean, im hanging in the balance here and one day the scale is going to tip and i hope it tips the right way because.... i might lose it.