assaulted
so, kathleen leaves for new hampshire in 6 days, and i leave for s.f. the following week. we've been doing our best to spend as much time together as possible - it's hard to lose your best friend to the other side of the states. her going-away party was a blast on saturday, but i'll address that another time.
today kathleen, her friend sue (who is visiting from new hampshire), flynn & myself decided to go to my favorite beach. it's about 15 minutes up a two-way highway...beautiful white sands - aqua water - a lovely cove.
problem was - it was too windy. so as soon as we got there, sue snapped a few pics with her trusty camera and we decided to head back into town. and this is where our day from hell started...
as i pulled out onto the highway from the parking lot, i started to accelerate to about 40 (on a 50mph stretch of highway) and was continuing to bring it up to the speed limit slowly. after all, kath is pregnant and i am feeling particularly protective these days.
well, a large blue chevy truck pulls up VERY rapidly about 30 seconds after we get onto the highway. and he starts making like he is going to RAM US. no joke, rapidly switching between decelerating and accelerating and (from what flynn & sue were saying in the backseat) coming WAY too close to the back of my car.
all of this because i am apparently not yet up to the speed limit (having just pulled onto the highway from a stop sign).
so i hang my arm out the window and flip the fucktard off. i mean...those of you who know me probably aren't surprised by this. i can be a mouthy fucker. but - i mean, really. i have three passengers, one of whom is pregnant and this guy is being ridiculous.
so HE CROSSES THE DOUBLE YELLOW LINE AND BEGINS TO TRY AND RUN ME OFF THE ROAD.
seriously. weaving within inches of the driver's side of my car, screaming that he is going to kill me. that i am going to fucking die. to pull over so he can beat me to a pulp. lots of lovely sentiments. his windows are down, as are mine & sue's (we are both on the driver's side of the car) and at this point i am just doing my best to avoid his car hitting mine without running into the guardrail. kathleen is starting to cry.
at this point, the guys rapidly accelerates and pulls in front of me, ON A HIGHWAY, and SLAMS TO A DEAD STOP. in hopes that i will hit the back of his car, forcing me to swerve around him into the oncoming traffic lane in order to avoid a collision.
i am successful in avoiding him, but he quickly begins to chase us once again, playing the "i'm going to ram the back of your car" game. he swings around to my side of the car once again, and attempts to run me off the road.
now...i gotta say - i am notorious among my friends for being a terrible driver. like notorious. defensive driving isn't exactly something that comes second nature. so i am pretty much trying to keep focused on the road. kath is crying and freaking out, and i am having to tell her to stop, calm down, everything will be fine. cause i am well aware that if her hysteria and panic spread to the backseat, i am not going to be able to maintain a sense of calm and avoid this guy's sideswipes.
at this point, i toss flynn my phone and tell him to call the police. unfortunately, my phone isn't getting reception this far up the highway (it's a pretty barren stretch of road). i also tell sue to get his figure out what his license plate is. sue, being about as calm as i am, begins to snap photos (with her very nice camera) of this guys as he is ranting at me.
the guy suddenly speeds way up and is quite a few hundred feet ahead of me on the road. we all breathe a relatively huge sigh of relief. everything seems to be over.
then his girlfriend (the one that kathleen had been loudly praying would be the voice of reason in all of this) sticks her arm out her window and begin to wildly flip us off. sue chuckles - "soh...NOW she flips us off - when they're hundreds of feet ahead of us".
right about then, we notice the blue chevy is pulling off into a turn-out - not sure if there's a road there, but kathleen is thrilled...
...until he runs out of his car into the middle of the road, ranting and screaming as i am driving towards him, trying to jump in front of my car, forcing me (once again) to drive into the oncoming traffic.
i swerve around him, kathleen is screaming, sue & flynn are in shock, and for some reason i am still unfazed. i dunno why - but panic hasn't really hit me. i am simply trying to drive as carefully as possible, despite the barrage of attacks - after all, i have a pregnant woman in the car.
after we pass him, dude runs back into his car, but by the time he manages to get back on the road about 4 vehicles separate us. we can't see him and everybody breathes a final sigh of relief. dude is gone, gone, gone. kathleen is still pretty shaken, flynn is still trying to get reception (because we have decided to report the incident regardless) and sue reports that when the car was behind us she managed to get a good, solid shot of the license plate.
and suddenly, in the rearview mirror, i notice the truck veer across the double lines again and cut in front of car .. 4. then, a few moments later the same with car ..3. i call my passenger's attention to the drama unfolding behind us.
mr. blue chevy truck is coming for us.
the truck cuts in front of car ..2.
then, seemingly, he begins the same "i am going to ram you" game with the only car separting us. car ..1 pulls off the road onto the should...and suddenly, less than a minute or two after he disappeared...our assailant is back.
the ramming game starts up again.
i am having to accelerate. then...he suddenly swerves to the left side of my car - kathleen's side. he begins to try and run me into the oncoming traffic lane. we are swerving back and forth - while i don't want to swerve towards him, i don't have much of a choice - i have to avoid the oncoming traffic. when this doesn't end up running me into another car - YES, IT SEEMS THE ONLY END HE WANTS AT THIS POINT IS A CRASH/WRECK/COLLISION - he drops behind us suddenly and veers back to the right side of the car - mine & sue's.
now, mine and sue's windows are down, so we can hear everything he is shouting at us. obscenities, threats, the whole rigamarole. but here's the kicker - his fucking girlfriend is shrieking at us...i mean fucking shrieking - arms flailing, shouting that she is going to kick our asses, too.
so sue snaps a photo of this crazy hag.
and the bitch goes nuts, shouting that she is going to get sue, and "fine, bitch, you take a fucking picture!" so sue takes another. hehe.
meanwhile, the guys is still trying to run me off the road, his car inches from mine. and suddenly i realize that he is trying to speed up, and his girlfriend is reaching from her window towards mine - THIS CUNT IS GOING TO TRY AND HIT ME WHILE I AM FUCKING DRIVING. not only that - my driving is the only thing keeping her & her crazy-ass boyfriend from being involved in a collision...cause if i lose control, i shit you not - both of these cars are going to hell in a matter of seconds, not to mention the freaked ou drivers behind us.
now, at this point (and please take this in, and think about how long this actually was) we have been enduring this for about 10 miles. which is pretty fucking shocking. especially since we are going anywhere from 50 - 60. meaning it has been about 10 straight minutes of trying to avoid being run off of the highway, or rammed or hit in the face through my window. kathleen has totally fallen apart, flynn is still trying to get my phone to work, sue is snapping photos and i am trying to maintain some semblance of safety. it was long & torturous.
so i slam my foot on the gas and pull way ahead of these terrifying, furious freaks.
flynn is finally able to get through to the police - we are nearly back into town...and then we see the most awful thing we could have seen...
A. RED. FUCKING. LIGHT.
and i would have run that fucker, i shit you not, but unfortunately there was a car in front of me, and traffic in the oncoming lane, so i had to stop. and as soon as i stop, he stops.
and gets out of his car.
as soon as i see him, i begin to roll up my window. this crazy fuck runs to my side of the car, naturally, and i hit the lock. he then PUNCHES MY WINDOW.
my window holds.
HE PUNCHES MY WINDOW AGAIN.
my window holds.
HE SLAMS HIS HEAD INTO MY WINDOW.
my window holds.
meanwhile he is frothing at the mouth, screaming for me to get out of the car. "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" seems to be his mantra, and ordering me to step the fuck out. i tell him he needs to go back to his car - that the police are on the phone. he doesn't seemed to fazed by this revelation (methinks he's probably had a few run ins with the law before) and continues to scream threats through my closed window. suddenly, the asshole seems to realize that sue has been snapping photos of him as he has been attacking my car window. which is awesome right?
not so awesome, because sue was so busy taking pictures that he hadn't rolled up her window yet.
so this fuck reaches in the window and begins to struggle with sue, trying to wrench her camera from her grip. i turn around in my seat and yell that he'd better fucking get his hands off os her - not to fucking touch her and i swing through the window. sue swings as well, and damn if sista ain't fending that ugly fucktard off. flynn is yelling to the dispatcher (who is still not sending help) that we are being assaulted. and kathleen, who has been doing her best to hide, notices something very important.
"THE LIGHT IS GREEN! GO! GO! GO!"
so as the guy is trying to attack sue, i gun the engine and we shoot through the light, leaving him in the dust. i am looking in my rearview mirror, and he & his skank girlfriend have quickly headed down a sidestreet. now, to avoid any police, or simply to cut us off ahead, i'm not sure. either way, we quickly head back towards downtown.
at the next light, an older couple asks if we are ok - they had been behind us for most of the experience. they are also shaken...it's been a long damn 12 minutes. we thank them for their concern and move towards kathleen's house.
meanwhile, poor flynn is STILL trying to get some effing assistance from the police dispatcher, who is sompletely treating him like shit, in spite of the fact that she was on the phone as sue was being ATTACKED.
truly horrifying.
after promising to send a vehicle to kath's, we get another call. flynn is forced to repeat the story, and then they say they will send someone.
after no assistance for nearly an hour, flynn calls again and he has to repeat the story - third call, folks, and still no assistance.
a fourth call, and i grab the phone. i am pretty fucking bitchy with the man on the phone and tell him we want a face-to-face NOW. he agrees to come himself.
hanging up the phone, i also get a call from my mother that my brother was in an accident. she lets me know he is okay - but how fucking odd is that? as a side note - we also saw a huge fire as we drove to kath's - big curls of orange flame & black smoke. i think, all in all, it was a bad 15 minutes for a fuck of a lot of people.
eventually (quite some time later) bob shows up, and honestly - he is great. very thorough, very comforting and really helpful. in particular, bob is quite excited about sue's photos of the suspect, his vehicle, his license & his girlfriend. he urges us to print them right away, and to drop them by tomorrow. we thank him, and he leaves.
and then we all decided it was high fucking time for a drink.
christ.
today kathleen, her friend sue (who is visiting from new hampshire), flynn & myself decided to go to my favorite beach. it's about 15 minutes up a two-way highway...beautiful white sands - aqua water - a lovely cove.
problem was - it was too windy. so as soon as we got there, sue snapped a few pics with her trusty camera and we decided to head back into town. and this is where our day from hell started...
as i pulled out onto the highway from the parking lot, i started to accelerate to about 40 (on a 50mph stretch of highway) and was continuing to bring it up to the speed limit slowly. after all, kath is pregnant and i am feeling particularly protective these days.
well, a large blue chevy truck pulls up VERY rapidly about 30 seconds after we get onto the highway. and he starts making like he is going to RAM US. no joke, rapidly switching between decelerating and accelerating and (from what flynn & sue were saying in the backseat) coming WAY too close to the back of my car.
all of this because i am apparently not yet up to the speed limit (having just pulled onto the highway from a stop sign).
so i hang my arm out the window and flip the fucktard off. i mean...those of you who know me probably aren't surprised by this. i can be a mouthy fucker. but - i mean, really. i have three passengers, one of whom is pregnant and this guy is being ridiculous.
so HE CROSSES THE DOUBLE YELLOW LINE AND BEGINS TO TRY AND RUN ME OFF THE ROAD.
seriously. weaving within inches of the driver's side of my car, screaming that he is going to kill me. that i am going to fucking die. to pull over so he can beat me to a pulp. lots of lovely sentiments. his windows are down, as are mine & sue's (we are both on the driver's side of the car) and at this point i am just doing my best to avoid his car hitting mine without running into the guardrail. kathleen is starting to cry.
at this point, the guys rapidly accelerates and pulls in front of me, ON A HIGHWAY, and SLAMS TO A DEAD STOP. in hopes that i will hit the back of his car, forcing me to swerve around him into the oncoming traffic lane in order to avoid a collision.
i am successful in avoiding him, but he quickly begins to chase us once again, playing the "i'm going to ram the back of your car" game. he swings around to my side of the car once again, and attempts to run me off the road.
now...i gotta say - i am notorious among my friends for being a terrible driver. like notorious. defensive driving isn't exactly something that comes second nature. so i am pretty much trying to keep focused on the road. kath is crying and freaking out, and i am having to tell her to stop, calm down, everything will be fine. cause i am well aware that if her hysteria and panic spread to the backseat, i am not going to be able to maintain a sense of calm and avoid this guy's sideswipes.
at this point, i toss flynn my phone and tell him to call the police. unfortunately, my phone isn't getting reception this far up the highway (it's a pretty barren stretch of road). i also tell sue to get his figure out what his license plate is. sue, being about as calm as i am, begins to snap photos (with her very nice camera) of this guys as he is ranting at me.
the guy suddenly speeds way up and is quite a few hundred feet ahead of me on the road. we all breathe a relatively huge sigh of relief. everything seems to be over.
then his girlfriend (the one that kathleen had been loudly praying would be the voice of reason in all of this) sticks her arm out her window and begin to wildly flip us off. sue chuckles - "soh...NOW she flips us off - when they're hundreds of feet ahead of us".
right about then, we notice the blue chevy is pulling off into a turn-out - not sure if there's a road there, but kathleen is thrilled...
...until he runs out of his car into the middle of the road, ranting and screaming as i am driving towards him, trying to jump in front of my car, forcing me (once again) to drive into the oncoming traffic.
i swerve around him, kathleen is screaming, sue & flynn are in shock, and for some reason i am still unfazed. i dunno why - but panic hasn't really hit me. i am simply trying to drive as carefully as possible, despite the barrage of attacks - after all, i have a pregnant woman in the car.
after we pass him, dude runs back into his car, but by the time he manages to get back on the road about 4 vehicles separate us. we can't see him and everybody breathes a final sigh of relief. dude is gone, gone, gone. kathleen is still pretty shaken, flynn is still trying to get reception (because we have decided to report the incident regardless) and sue reports that when the car was behind us she managed to get a good, solid shot of the license plate.
and suddenly, in the rearview mirror, i notice the truck veer across the double lines again and cut in front of car .. 4. then, a few moments later the same with car ..3. i call my passenger's attention to the drama unfolding behind us.
mr. blue chevy truck is coming for us.
the truck cuts in front of car ..2.
then, seemingly, he begins the same "i am going to ram you" game with the only car separting us. car ..1 pulls off the road onto the should...and suddenly, less than a minute or two after he disappeared...our assailant is back.
the ramming game starts up again.
i am having to accelerate. then...he suddenly swerves to the left side of my car - kathleen's side. he begins to try and run me into the oncoming traffic lane. we are swerving back and forth - while i don't want to swerve towards him, i don't have much of a choice - i have to avoid the oncoming traffic. when this doesn't end up running me into another car - YES, IT SEEMS THE ONLY END HE WANTS AT THIS POINT IS A CRASH/WRECK/COLLISION - he drops behind us suddenly and veers back to the right side of the car - mine & sue's.
now, mine and sue's windows are down, so we can hear everything he is shouting at us. obscenities, threats, the whole rigamarole. but here's the kicker - his fucking girlfriend is shrieking at us...i mean fucking shrieking - arms flailing, shouting that she is going to kick our asses, too.
so sue snaps a photo of this crazy hag.
and the bitch goes nuts, shouting that she is going to get sue, and "fine, bitch, you take a fucking picture!" so sue takes another. hehe.
meanwhile, the guys is still trying to run me off the road, his car inches from mine. and suddenly i realize that he is trying to speed up, and his girlfriend is reaching from her window towards mine - THIS CUNT IS GOING TO TRY AND HIT ME WHILE I AM FUCKING DRIVING. not only that - my driving is the only thing keeping her & her crazy-ass boyfriend from being involved in a collision...cause if i lose control, i shit you not - both of these cars are going to hell in a matter of seconds, not to mention the freaked ou drivers behind us.
now, at this point (and please take this in, and think about how long this actually was) we have been enduring this for about 10 miles. which is pretty fucking shocking. especially since we are going anywhere from 50 - 60. meaning it has been about 10 straight minutes of trying to avoid being run off of the highway, or rammed or hit in the face through my window. kathleen has totally fallen apart, flynn is still trying to get my phone to work, sue is snapping photos and i am trying to maintain some semblance of safety. it was long & torturous.
so i slam my foot on the gas and pull way ahead of these terrifying, furious freaks.
flynn is finally able to get through to the police - we are nearly back into town...and then we see the most awful thing we could have seen...
A. RED. FUCKING. LIGHT.
and i would have run that fucker, i shit you not, but unfortunately there was a car in front of me, and traffic in the oncoming lane, so i had to stop. and as soon as i stop, he stops.
and gets out of his car.
as soon as i see him, i begin to roll up my window. this crazy fuck runs to my side of the car, naturally, and i hit the lock. he then PUNCHES MY WINDOW.
my window holds.
HE PUNCHES MY WINDOW AGAIN.
my window holds.
HE SLAMS HIS HEAD INTO MY WINDOW.
my window holds.
meanwhile he is frothing at the mouth, screaming for me to get out of the car. "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" seems to be his mantra, and ordering me to step the fuck out. i tell him he needs to go back to his car - that the police are on the phone. he doesn't seemed to fazed by this revelation (methinks he's probably had a few run ins with the law before) and continues to scream threats through my closed window. suddenly, the asshole seems to realize that sue has been snapping photos of him as he has been attacking my car window. which is awesome right?
not so awesome, because sue was so busy taking pictures that he hadn't rolled up her window yet.
so this fuck reaches in the window and begins to struggle with sue, trying to wrench her camera from her grip. i turn around in my seat and yell that he'd better fucking get his hands off os her - not to fucking touch her and i swing through the window. sue swings as well, and damn if sista ain't fending that ugly fucktard off. flynn is yelling to the dispatcher (who is still not sending help) that we are being assaulted. and kathleen, who has been doing her best to hide, notices something very important.
"THE LIGHT IS GREEN! GO! GO! GO!"
so as the guy is trying to attack sue, i gun the engine and we shoot through the light, leaving him in the dust. i am looking in my rearview mirror, and he & his skank girlfriend have quickly headed down a sidestreet. now, to avoid any police, or simply to cut us off ahead, i'm not sure. either way, we quickly head back towards downtown.
at the next light, an older couple asks if we are ok - they had been behind us for most of the experience. they are also shaken...it's been a long damn 12 minutes. we thank them for their concern and move towards kathleen's house.
meanwhile, poor flynn is STILL trying to get some effing assistance from the police dispatcher, who is sompletely treating him like shit, in spite of the fact that she was on the phone as sue was being ATTACKED.
truly horrifying.
after promising to send a vehicle to kath's, we get another call. flynn is forced to repeat the story, and then they say they will send someone.
after no assistance for nearly an hour, flynn calls again and he has to repeat the story - third call, folks, and still no assistance.
a fourth call, and i grab the phone. i am pretty fucking bitchy with the man on the phone and tell him we want a face-to-face NOW. he agrees to come himself.
hanging up the phone, i also get a call from my mother that my brother was in an accident. she lets me know he is okay - but how fucking odd is that? as a side note - we also saw a huge fire as we drove to kath's - big curls of orange flame & black smoke. i think, all in all, it was a bad 15 minutes for a fuck of a lot of people.
eventually (quite some time later) bob shows up, and honestly - he is great. very thorough, very comforting and really helpful. in particular, bob is quite excited about sue's photos of the suspect, his vehicle, his license & his girlfriend. he urges us to print them right away, and to drop them by tomorrow. we thank him, and he leaves.
and then we all decided it was high fucking time for a drink.
christ.