(no subject)
Hey again :)
I just wanted to get a few things off my chest again..that's what I think i've learned a journal should be for. not exactly to talk about what exactly you did that day but what is going through your mind. and right now i have quite a few things on my mind. most of them including how there are a lot of things I do not like about myself. Not that I dislike myself. but that I know I am guilty of quite a few things I wish I weren't. For one. I am selfish. I wish that I wasn't. But I wish that I could think of others more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I put others before myself a lot. But not exactly how I would like to. I'm constantly thinking about what IM going to do today and wether i have plans or not. I am constantly thinking about my car and when I'M getting it back. What I should be thinking about is what are my parents going to do? What are they going to do if they don't get another car? I mean they are the ones with the job.. the life..the responsibilities. the kids. Here I am. a 17 year old girl. who just wants the car for her fun and enjoyment and entertainment. not because she wants to work and pay the bills. I don't know. I don't know if that's just human nature or what but I am guilty of that. And that's just selfishness. I should be thinking about my parents. They should be in my thoughts. Not what I'm going to do today. If im going to get to go see this movie with Michael, if I'm going to be able to go shopping with Lindsay. I guess you kind of expect that out of a 17 year old girl. I guess I just get really mad about a few things. My life isn't at all like the many people I surround myself around. And it mostly involves my parents. I am who I am and I love being the person that I am. I love that I am organized. I love that I know what I want out of life. But it just seems like all my close friends parents are just so responsible. and my parents aren't. Their parents constantly urge them to apply to colleges. Their parents have plans for them. Their parents have their households under control. Their parents keep the house decent. My parents don't. My college applications are absolutely up to me. That is my responsibility. My parents don't have a plan for me. My parents don't ever keep the house decent. They don't have the household under control. They have seperated so much. It's ridiculous. And that is what is constantly occupying my mind. Whether they will have enough money for me. Whether I will get my car back because they will fulfill their responsibilities. Which they rarely don't. My parents aren't reliable. And that is what I want..more than a lot of things in this world. I wish that my parents were reliable. And that angers me. It angers me that I have to put up with so much that my other close friends don't have to.
Another thing that has been bothering me is a selfishness issue. It's how I constantly think about Michael. That's just selfish. I don't need to be thinking about him all the time and whether I will get to talk to him or not. God should be on my mind. I live for him. I don't live for my boyfriend. I don't live for my crush. I don't live for anyone what him and myself. Don't get me wrong. i love Michael. But i can't do what I've always done. And that's always thinking about him and putting him first. And then if there's a day that I can't see him it's just a disappointment. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be let down either though as you may have read in my previous entry. I guess I just want him to want to see me as much as I want to see him. I don't want to be like obsessed with seeing him because I'm definatly not. But I don't want that to occupy my mind all the time. And I don't want him to ditch me for his friends. I don't. And I'm not putting up with that this time. He can hang out with his friends but I mean act like you want to see me too. I don't know. There are just a few things that I'm unhappy with and I always let those completely over rule everything else good in my life. There are many positive things in my life but I constantly let the negative things cover it all up and I wish that would just change too. I need to stay positive and I know it. It's just so hard to. I'm healthy. My family is healthy. I'm alive. I make great grades. I have a bright future ahead of me. I have friends who love me. I can't let money issues, the car issue, and my parents issues overrule the good things. The negative things are quite big though and I think that's why I let them overrule the good and positive things in my life. And the negative things going on right now are things that shape a lot of peoples lives. When the base of your happiness and life is screwed up..it just makes you want to be negative about everything else. I don't know if you can understand that but that's how it is. I don't know. I just pray that God leads me in everything that I do and that he will always be there for me. I mean I know he will. But I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to mature.
I hope that the next time I update positive things will have happened. Blah. Feels good to get it out...but I still don't feel all that much better.
I just wanted to get a few things off my chest again..that's what I think i've learned a journal should be for. not exactly to talk about what exactly you did that day but what is going through your mind. and right now i have quite a few things on my mind. most of them including how there are a lot of things I do not like about myself. Not that I dislike myself. but that I know I am guilty of quite a few things I wish I weren't. For one. I am selfish. I wish that I wasn't. But I wish that I could think of others more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I put others before myself a lot. But not exactly how I would like to. I'm constantly thinking about what IM going to do today and wether i have plans or not. I am constantly thinking about my car and when I'M getting it back. What I should be thinking about is what are my parents going to do? What are they going to do if they don't get another car? I mean they are the ones with the job.. the life..the responsibilities. the kids. Here I am. a 17 year old girl. who just wants the car for her fun and enjoyment and entertainment. not because she wants to work and pay the bills. I don't know. I don't know if that's just human nature or what but I am guilty of that. And that's just selfishness. I should be thinking about my parents. They should be in my thoughts. Not what I'm going to do today. If im going to get to go see this movie with Michael, if I'm going to be able to go shopping with Lindsay. I guess you kind of expect that out of a 17 year old girl. I guess I just get really mad about a few things. My life isn't at all like the many people I surround myself around. And it mostly involves my parents. I am who I am and I love being the person that I am. I love that I am organized. I love that I know what I want out of life. But it just seems like all my close friends parents are just so responsible. and my parents aren't. Their parents constantly urge them to apply to colleges. Their parents have plans for them. Their parents have their households under control. Their parents keep the house decent. My parents don't. My college applications are absolutely up to me. That is my responsibility. My parents don't have a plan for me. My parents don't ever keep the house decent. They don't have the household under control. They have seperated so much. It's ridiculous. And that is what is constantly occupying my mind. Whether they will have enough money for me. Whether I will get my car back because they will fulfill their responsibilities. Which they rarely don't. My parents aren't reliable. And that is what I want..more than a lot of things in this world. I wish that my parents were reliable. And that angers me. It angers me that I have to put up with so much that my other close friends don't have to.
Another thing that has been bothering me is a selfishness issue. It's how I constantly think about Michael. That's just selfish. I don't need to be thinking about him all the time and whether I will get to talk to him or not. God should be on my mind. I live for him. I don't live for my boyfriend. I don't live for my crush. I don't live for anyone what him and myself. Don't get me wrong. i love Michael. But i can't do what I've always done. And that's always thinking about him and putting him first. And then if there's a day that I can't see him it's just a disappointment. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be let down either though as you may have read in my previous entry. I guess I just want him to want to see me as much as I want to see him. I don't want to be like obsessed with seeing him because I'm definatly not. But I don't want that to occupy my mind all the time. And I don't want him to ditch me for his friends. I don't. And I'm not putting up with that this time. He can hang out with his friends but I mean act like you want to see me too. I don't know. There are just a few things that I'm unhappy with and I always let those completely over rule everything else good in my life. There are many positive things in my life but I constantly let the negative things cover it all up and I wish that would just change too. I need to stay positive and I know it. It's just so hard to. I'm healthy. My family is healthy. I'm alive. I make great grades. I have a bright future ahead of me. I have friends who love me. I can't let money issues, the car issue, and my parents issues overrule the good things. The negative things are quite big though and I think that's why I let them overrule the good and positive things in my life. And the negative things going on right now are things that shape a lot of peoples lives. When the base of your happiness and life is screwed up..it just makes you want to be negative about everything else. I don't know if you can understand that but that's how it is. I don't know. I just pray that God leads me in everything that I do and that he will always be there for me. I mean I know he will. But I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to mature.
I hope that the next time I update positive things will have happened. Blah. Feels good to get it out...but I still don't feel all that much better.