Good news and bad news

[carl_allery]

The good news is that we're off down to the British Legion home next week on Tuesday to have a look around and for them to do a pre-admission assessment on Father. If all goes well we should have have him sorted in the next few weeks

Comments

[kate_schaefer]

What a hard set of things to go through. I'm so sorry that your dad never got around to having that end of life conversation with you.

I'm just back from another week with my dad, who is a bit younger than yours and in better shape at 86, but more fragile every time I see him. He was struck hard by his own father's drawn-out death some twenty years ago and made sure that he had DNR papers in place, but he didn't anticipate simply becoming too frail to live on his own, nor did he anticipate that his daughters would continue to remember how he'd acted for his whole life up to then and therefore refuse to let him live with them.

My brothers both said he could move in with either of them, but he said that wouldn't work, since they don't cook. My sisters and I said he'd be welcome to live nearby, and we'd visit frequently, but he couldn't live in the same house with any of us. He didn't like those answers, so now he's in an assisted living facility that he doesn't like and didn't choose. It's not bad, but he could be in a much better situation if he would ever have considered the choices that were actually available to him rather than the choices that weren't.

And all that digression brings me back to the thought that while my dad didn't plan in some ways, he did plan in others, and he did discuss the plans he'd made with all his children, so we're all clear on what he wants and doesn't want, even if we can't provide it to him.

[carl_allery]

Yes, I have a memory of my mother saying, many years ago, that she wouldn't want us to have to look after them and we should just put them in a home. Mind you I suspect that was before she had any concept that she might not be able to look after herself and fuelled by the knowledge that one sister had nursed her mother at home. My parents always valued independence. In later years she was appalled by the thought of going into a home, but the only alternative in her mind was staying at home. I wish I'd found out earlier about the care available from the company we're now using as I think she would have been happy to accept it.

My father, on the other hand, wouldn't have expected us to put ourselves out for him but by the time it came to it, he wasn't really the same man. Now he's just happy to do whatever he's told to do and has no real expectations.

Fortunately my father's GP, who also happens to be his next door neighbour saw us this morning and said he was going to mention DNR anyway. I explained that though there had been no specific discussion, both my parents had said that they would prefer to just keel over than end up in a hospital. He was happy to take that as sufficient, given age and infirmity for a DNR and to also prescribe a fortified supplement and anti-biotics for a chest infection.