A not so great Christmas card…
Joe is currently smack in the middle of his year-long graduate program at the Academy For Classical Acting at the Shakespeare Theater in Washington DC. We moved to DC at the beginning of the fall. He has been learning incredible things, but the conservatory style program is proving more difficult that we could ever imagine. This major life change for us pulled some deep seated problems we had up to the surface. Unfortunately, once they had surfaced, we found ourselves unable to ignore them. We also found that the program was consuming Joe, and he was unable to give our relationship the attention that it needed. And in a particularly cruel twist of fate, at the same time he developed a support system at school that I was not a part of, and some new relationships… one in particular.
We spent a number of weeks in denial, with almost daily changing of plans and shifting of gears. I was like that girl at the beginning of Jaws, with her two aquatic stagehands jerking her back and forth, and I was drowning. I found myself consumed with suspicion, distrust and jealousy; and Joe was filled with doubt and uncertainty. Joe pointed out that three things were definite, as long as I was isolated and temping in DC I wouldn’t really be happy, he could not give our relationship the attention it needed while the pressures of school continue to increase, and he could not avoid seeing her every day. I came to realize that even though it was huge and scary, the best thing to do was to let go and step away. After all, there is providence in the fall of a sparrow.
So, I reached deep inside myself, past the Gordian Knot that was my heart, screwed my courage to the sticking place, and left DC.
Since I cannot change the past, I can only move forward with what I have, here are some things that I am grateful for:
So this morning, as the sun rose in my rear-view mirror, I crossed off numbers 21 and 94 on my 101 Things To Do in 1001 Days List. With a pair of cats and a trunk full of books and Douglas Adams reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on the tape deck, I finally felt ready to begin composing this, and the knot loosened… a little bit.
Carin
“I am not happy, but I am well.” - Marquis De Sade
We spent a number of weeks in denial, with almost daily changing of plans and shifting of gears. I was like that girl at the beginning of Jaws, with her two aquatic stagehands jerking her back and forth, and I was drowning. I found myself consumed with suspicion, distrust and jealousy; and Joe was filled with doubt and uncertainty. Joe pointed out that three things were definite, as long as I was isolated and temping in DC I wouldn’t really be happy, he could not give our relationship the attention it needed while the pressures of school continue to increase, and he could not avoid seeing her every day. I came to realize that even though it was huge and scary, the best thing to do was to let go and step away. After all, there is providence in the fall of a sparrow.
So, I reached deep inside myself, past the Gordian Knot that was my heart, screwed my courage to the sticking place, and left DC.
Since I cannot change the past, I can only move forward with what I have, here are some things that I am grateful for:
- My family, who have not pressed for details and have loved me unconditionally.
- My friends, and the few of you I have told about this have not hesitated to tell me I am beautiful and intelligent and wonderful, even though you all know damn well that I don’t need any more ego stroking.
- The girls on Live Journal, who are made of awesome.
- My uncle, who drove 15 hours completely out of his way in his truck to pick up my things and bring them with him to my parent’s house for Christmas.
- The cats, who love me because I feed and pet them.
- The Minneapolis rental market, which fills me with confidence about finding a nice two bedroom apartment for the cats and me to share.
- The Twin Cities theater scene and my rejoining it, not the least of which includes working on TPR’s brand new spring choice Quills (see how I managed that plug?), seeing a ton of local plays, writing for grants, directing Metamorphoses, Theatre Unbound’s Frankenstein, and one week of the 365 project, and a number of other projects already in the works.
- I have remained constant. I did not do the leaving in the fire swamp.
- The year is already almost half over. As the ten year anniversary of our first kiss slips quietly by this March, it will be summer before I know it.
- We are separating, but as of this printing, we are not getting a divorce. Time will tell. I tell myself daily, let be.
- I have discovered that creativity will find a way out, even when your main avenue is stifled.
- My last few days in DC were relatively calm, and over some Greek food and a bottle of wine Joe pointed out that these differences were reconcilable, and this band could reunite for a world tour.
- I was finally able to take control of something, and I have chosen the lesser of the two evils; the possibility of saving our marriage is better than the certainty of destroying it.
So this morning, as the sun rose in my rear-view mirror, I crossed off numbers 21 and 94 on my 101 Things To Do in 1001 Days List. With a pair of cats and a trunk full of books and Douglas Adams reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on the tape deck, I finally felt ready to begin composing this, and the knot loosened… a little bit.
Carin
“I am not happy, but I am well.” - Marquis De Sade