(no subject)
i create my own drama in my life. i dont know why i cant just let myself be happy. for once i actually found someone who is amazing and here i go consiously/subconsiously sabotaging it. ive been holding on to the past, to something thats not even real and all because i have this knack for not feeling like i deserve to be happy or wanted. i mean i did the same thing when i was dating ray. we got too close realy fast and it scared me and i created drama and by the time i reaized it was him that i wanted to be with, i had already lost him. i dont want this to happen with eric. he is amazingly difficult to deal with sometimes, hes overly sensitive and annoys the crap out of me but i love the fuck out of him. im not good at relationships, i never have been. i prefer to be single because its what i know and what im good at. i dont like being bad at things. i wish i had never said the things i did to ryan and i wish eric had never found out and it really pisses me off the way he found out and the lack of trust i have for him now. but i cant tell him how mad i am because he is hurting on a different level. niki hates mine and ryans friendship and eric hates it too. maybe i do need to cut him out of my life for the good of both of our relationships. i just dont know if i can do it. i did it for a year and it was horrible to not have my best friend in my life. it hurt both of us a lot. ryan was just there for me for so many things where no one else was. i owe him a lot and i cant just walk away. i really dont even have those feelings for him anymore. sometimes when i get really drunk and im annoyed at eric and ryan and i are talking i think about how easy things are with ry and me and sometimes feel like him and i are better matched. i think a lot of my holding on sometimes to the past is the fact that he chose someone else over me and its a shitty feeling. i said the things i did to force out of him why he chose her over me and to prove that he felt the same way. i would never chose ryan over eric though and i dont know how to make him believe that. ugh i cant even form a proper coherent thought right now. im going to take a nap. i need fresh air to clear my head.