Dear Mom
I have had this letter to you going around in my head for almost a week. How the hell has it been that long. I would have written sooner, but everything I want to say sounds so dumb in my head. I miss you. Of course I do. I love you. You know that too. I keep wishing I had just five more minutes, who doesn't.
So many memories. I remember them at odd times.
I woke Aliera up the other day to go shopping with Liz, Toni, and I and it brought back my cheeky reminder to you that some day you would miss me waking you up every day. You looked at me and smiled and said you knew and I remember thinking how serious your eyes looked when you said it. You really would miss it. I gave you a hug and a kiss, told you I loved you and proceeded to talk your ear off for the next two hours about whatever it was we were talking about.
Telling Buddy stories. OMG how we grew to hate that dog. Even I couldn't stand him in the end. I remember getting him though. I remember telling Martin and him telling you "We are not getting a dog" and you looking over at him and say "I know". He looked at you sternly and said "Reen, we are NOT getting a dog. Tonight only then we find somewhere else for him to stay" and you smiled back at him and told him you knew. "Reen, I mean it" and you would repeat that you understood. By daylight the next morning Martin looked resigned and we had a dog. I looked at you and you smiled. "I know" was all you said.
I remember making Country Music Television tapes with you. You would watch for hours, pause, record, pause, record. You wrote down every song that was recorded so we wouldn't get duplicates and the time on the tape so I could find the one I wanted to listen to when I wanted to listen to it. You never gave me a hard time about listening to it and would laugh with delight when you came down to the basement of the old courts and found me with my feet on top of Grandpa's while we danced, me singing along at the top of my lungs...mostly to irritate my sisters up stairs.
I remember garage sailing. I remember dumpster diving. I remember long car trip just talking, singing or running the dog but usually all three. I remember...You. And I miss you so much it hurts. It's only been one week and I don't know what I am going to do. I tried to go to work today. I really did. But I couldn't make it through. My manager let me go home, saying I wasn't ready. When will I be ready?
When Sandy, Tom's mom, died I came over. Loosing her, though expected was hard on me and I needed my Mom. We curled up on your bed and talked. You weren't feeling well and told me that you hadn't been sure that Sandy wouldn't out live you. I glared at you, you smiled at me, and I told you I was glad you did. I had no idea how serious you were. I should have listened more. My siblings say that I had more patience for that then they did. I don't know about that. I would listen for a while then changed the topic. Usually to me. I can't count the times I would come up to you and say something random and you would know what I was talking about.
The last time in particular comes to mind. I can't even remember now what we were talking about. I came over to your house, it had been three, four days since we had last talked and I walked into your room and said "but that just doesn't make sense". You said "Of course it does, here's why" and proceeded to explain it to me again. Later it occurred to me that you had known what I was talking about and I asked how. You said that you didn't know, but it must be body language and tone of voice, and that I had done the same for you without thinking about it too. We just were that way.
We were a lot of ways. All of them good. Even when we were in trouble from someone, it was you and me against the world. I could count on you for anything and everything. I said thank you. I said I love you. I tried even at the time to tell you how much that meant to me. I still can't really get over the feeling I didn't tell you enouph.
The last day we saw each other, you called. I had missed your call and was returning it before bed. You told me that you and Toni had been going to take Tom and I out to eat, did I want to come over since you were home now. I decided sure. I didn't need that much sleep, I was in my last week of training for my new job and wanted to tell you how nervous I was to hit the floor live anyways. Tom and I headed over. You were SO excited. I had given you my mistake card because there was five dollars on it trying to get me to come back. When you can't afford much, that's not one of the things that makes the list, so I gave it to you to use if you were out there anyways. You gave me the money off the card "Plus interest". You have me 220% interest. I laughed and you insisted it was nice to give me money for a change rather than ask for it. I never minded giving you what you asked for if I could. I loved that I was able to do something for you for all that you always do for me. You told me all about going with Aliera, how happy you were that "the Dragons" had given you what they owed you. How much fun it was going with her and what a good time you both had. I promised to go with you soon. I would have too. I swear.
The memories I have of you would fill a book. The last one I'll tell you about is the last time I saw you. You were always so tired. You looked peaceful. Like you were finally getting the sleep that always eluded you or you were always being woken up from. You looked beautiful to me. I saw myself in you and realized that if those were true, then I must be beautiful too. Just like you said, Mom. I promise not to forget you.
Love always and forever
Your Wild Irish Rose
So many memories. I remember them at odd times.
I woke Aliera up the other day to go shopping with Liz, Toni, and I and it brought back my cheeky reminder to you that some day you would miss me waking you up every day. You looked at me and smiled and said you knew and I remember thinking how serious your eyes looked when you said it. You really would miss it. I gave you a hug and a kiss, told you I loved you and proceeded to talk your ear off for the next two hours about whatever it was we were talking about.
Telling Buddy stories. OMG how we grew to hate that dog. Even I couldn't stand him in the end. I remember getting him though. I remember telling Martin and him telling you "We are not getting a dog" and you looking over at him and say "I know". He looked at you sternly and said "Reen, we are NOT getting a dog. Tonight only then we find somewhere else for him to stay" and you smiled back at him and told him you knew. "Reen, I mean it" and you would repeat that you understood. By daylight the next morning Martin looked resigned and we had a dog. I looked at you and you smiled. "I know" was all you said.
I remember making Country Music Television tapes with you. You would watch for hours, pause, record, pause, record. You wrote down every song that was recorded so we wouldn't get duplicates and the time on the tape so I could find the one I wanted to listen to when I wanted to listen to it. You never gave me a hard time about listening to it and would laugh with delight when you came down to the basement of the old courts and found me with my feet on top of Grandpa's while we danced, me singing along at the top of my lungs...mostly to irritate my sisters up stairs.
I remember garage sailing. I remember dumpster diving. I remember long car trip just talking, singing or running the dog but usually all three. I remember...You. And I miss you so much it hurts. It's only been one week and I don't know what I am going to do. I tried to go to work today. I really did. But I couldn't make it through. My manager let me go home, saying I wasn't ready. When will I be ready?
When Sandy, Tom's mom, died I came over. Loosing her, though expected was hard on me and I needed my Mom. We curled up on your bed and talked. You weren't feeling well and told me that you hadn't been sure that Sandy wouldn't out live you. I glared at you, you smiled at me, and I told you I was glad you did. I had no idea how serious you were. I should have listened more. My siblings say that I had more patience for that then they did. I don't know about that. I would listen for a while then changed the topic. Usually to me. I can't count the times I would come up to you and say something random and you would know what I was talking about.
The last time in particular comes to mind. I can't even remember now what we were talking about. I came over to your house, it had been three, four days since we had last talked and I walked into your room and said "but that just doesn't make sense". You said "Of course it does, here's why" and proceeded to explain it to me again. Later it occurred to me that you had known what I was talking about and I asked how. You said that you didn't know, but it must be body language and tone of voice, and that I had done the same for you without thinking about it too. We just were that way.
We were a lot of ways. All of them good. Even when we were in trouble from someone, it was you and me against the world. I could count on you for anything and everything. I said thank you. I said I love you. I tried even at the time to tell you how much that meant to me. I still can't really get over the feeling I didn't tell you enouph.
The last day we saw each other, you called. I had missed your call and was returning it before bed. You told me that you and Toni had been going to take Tom and I out to eat, did I want to come over since you were home now. I decided sure. I didn't need that much sleep, I was in my last week of training for my new job and wanted to tell you how nervous I was to hit the floor live anyways. Tom and I headed over. You were SO excited. I had given you my mistake card because there was five dollars on it trying to get me to come back. When you can't afford much, that's not one of the things that makes the list, so I gave it to you to use if you were out there anyways. You gave me the money off the card "Plus interest". You have me 220% interest. I laughed and you insisted it was nice to give me money for a change rather than ask for it. I never minded giving you what you asked for if I could. I loved that I was able to do something for you for all that you always do for me. You told me all about going with Aliera, how happy you were that "the Dragons" had given you what they owed you. How much fun it was going with her and what a good time you both had. I promised to go with you soon. I would have too. I swear.
The memories I have of you would fill a book. The last one I'll tell you about is the last time I saw you. You were always so tired. You looked peaceful. Like you were finally getting the sleep that always eluded you or you were always being woken up from. You looked beautiful to me. I saw myself in you and realized that if those were true, then I must be beautiful too. Just like you said, Mom. I promise not to forget you.
Love always and forever
Your Wild Irish Rose