clearly not feeling super cheerful, blame it on the stuffy nose
Mckay doesn't get it when I say "I can't afford" something. He gets it sometimes, when he like almost offers to pay for my lunch if he thinks I'm not eating. But then, doesn't understand that auditioning to the National Youth Orchestra has a expensive audition fee, never mind that I can't afford to play in it if I got in. I know they cut out the major fees, but I can't afford the deposit or supporting myself with food money.
I really don't know how I will be paying for next semester, and by "I", I mean my mum. She doesn't have the money. And I know that like every summer since I was 15 and started applying for jobs, I will yet again fail to get hired for a summer job until some place is finally desperate.
But I've been looking up information on student lines of credit, and it's a definite possibility. I just won't buy a thing that doesn't direly need to be paid for.
I'm starting to regret ever having gone into music. I'm going to be in school for the rest of my life and I'll never get the chance to not worry about money. I've had to worry about money all my life and I find it so exhausting. I'm tired now. I wish I'd gone into something else...
But I have to keep going, I made a commitment. I'll just be working in a fast food restaurant all summer, and during grad school, and year after year after that. I wish my family could find a lucky break. If I ever win the lottery I will share it with my mom and my sisters so that we all might get the chance to invest some of it and be okay for a little while. Actually, the sisters are all settling down with real careers now, so I might end up being the only poor one left.
I should have been good at something. Every time someone in my family shows any pride in me studying music, I feel this horrible guilt of letting them down. I hate that I am a burden on my mother.
What a stupid dream.
I really don't know how I will be paying for next semester, and by "I", I mean my mum. She doesn't have the money. And I know that like every summer since I was 15 and started applying for jobs, I will yet again fail to get hired for a summer job until some place is finally desperate.
But I've been looking up information on student lines of credit, and it's a definite possibility. I just won't buy a thing that doesn't direly need to be paid for.
I'm starting to regret ever having gone into music. I'm going to be in school for the rest of my life and I'll never get the chance to not worry about money. I've had to worry about money all my life and I find it so exhausting. I'm tired now. I wish I'd gone into something else...
But I have to keep going, I made a commitment. I'll just be working in a fast food restaurant all summer, and during grad school, and year after year after that. I wish my family could find a lucky break. If I ever win the lottery I will share it with my mom and my sisters so that we all might get the chance to invest some of it and be okay for a little while. Actually, the sisters are all settling down with real careers now, so I might end up being the only poor one left.
I should have been good at something. Every time someone in my family shows any pride in me studying music, I feel this horrible guilt of letting them down. I hate that I am a burden on my mother.
What a stupid dream.