(no subject)
moments of intense loneliness followed by moments of apathy or utter peacefulness and god am i just jaded? i don't believe in anything anymore.
i am not accepting applications at this time. don't even ask.
there was a time when just any attention at all would do and i craved it. and i've been asked out by literally 8 different guys this month and none of them are right and none of them could ever understand me.
and the one i like the most of course is the most toxic of them all. he's only mildly attractive in the physical sense but the head games are utterly magnetic. and he's a drinker with no job or prospects and likely no future and he rejects me almost weekly and then hunts me down after last call to pull me aside and tell me he is just scared because in truth he's completely in love with me. agony. pure agony. what kind of masochist does this to herself every saturday night. drunk texts are ridiculous. i only want him because he's bound to hurt me.
but i'm over it. honestly i am. i'm over all of them. except maybe derek. who incidentally just became a father with his new girlfriend stacey who isn't that new considering they've been together practically since he left me circa 2005.....
the only man who ever broke my heart and it still aches for him. because i didn't win? because i couldn't keep him? would i still feel this way if i would have found the strength to cut him out of my life before he beat me to it?
yes i would.
i hate this self reflection.
but i have to admit i'm proud of myself. single since january and no sex. no terrible train wrecks as per usual when i'm newly single. no drunken escapades. no invitations accepted purely out of desire to be loved rather than genuine interest.
i.cannot.be.saved.
i am not accepting applications at this time. don't even ask.
there was a time when just any attention at all would do and i craved it. and i've been asked out by literally 8 different guys this month and none of them are right and none of them could ever understand me.
and the one i like the most of course is the most toxic of them all. he's only mildly attractive in the physical sense but the head games are utterly magnetic. and he's a drinker with no job or prospects and likely no future and he rejects me almost weekly and then hunts me down after last call to pull me aside and tell me he is just scared because in truth he's completely in love with me. agony. pure agony. what kind of masochist does this to herself every saturday night. drunk texts are ridiculous. i only want him because he's bound to hurt me.
but i'm over it. honestly i am. i'm over all of them. except maybe derek. who incidentally just became a father with his new girlfriend stacey who isn't that new considering they've been together practically since he left me circa 2005.....
the only man who ever broke my heart and it still aches for him. because i didn't win? because i couldn't keep him? would i still feel this way if i would have found the strength to cut him out of my life before he beat me to it?
yes i would.
i hate this self reflection.
but i have to admit i'm proud of myself. single since january and no sex. no terrible train wrecks as per usual when i'm newly single. no drunken escapades. no invitations accepted purely out of desire to be loved rather than genuine interest.
i.cannot.be.saved.