damaged
i don't know or remember if i updated this. But matt was cheating, again, right under my nose, as in, two blocks from me, as in... i saw it with my own two eyes. As in, i called him on it before it actually went down and he couldn't deny it, and he acted like we were ok anyway.. and then i decided to end it, walked in on it, and got beaten by him because of it.
it was traumatic, and i'm still upset.. and it was weeks ago.
and then ron has been great, and we're officially dating, finally...after over a year of back and forth and both of us wanting to be with eachother but never getting to be.
and i just want to cry. It's stupid things, like how i text him "hey baby" and he texts me "hey"
he never used to do that.
and i don't know.. i just feel annoying, like i'm pestering him. i'm so completely damaged by matt that nothing i do seems right, and it feels like everything i do is wrong and wronger and that i'm waiting for something that isn't going to come. something that isn't going to happen.
and i want the fairy tale.
and he's great, he's so great, he spends over 24 hours with me, and wants to see me again the next night because he's so completely not sick of me. he wants to introduce me to his extended family and he's finally letting me meet his daughter.
but sometimes i still feel like his fuck buddy, not his girlfriend, and that makes me feel even worse because i know it's not true.
but i'm so fucking damaged, and i just want to be number one. i want to be the one that's called pet names and complimented, not the one doing it.
and i just want more than he can give, i think.
and that's distressing.
I'm the girl that stares at the phone and hopes and prays to see something, to hear something... that probably won't ever happen.
i need to stop crying.
it was traumatic, and i'm still upset.. and it was weeks ago.
and then ron has been great, and we're officially dating, finally...after over a year of back and forth and both of us wanting to be with eachother but never getting to be.
and i just want to cry. It's stupid things, like how i text him "hey baby" and he texts me "hey"
he never used to do that.
and i don't know.. i just feel annoying, like i'm pestering him. i'm so completely damaged by matt that nothing i do seems right, and it feels like everything i do is wrong and wronger and that i'm waiting for something that isn't going to come. something that isn't going to happen.
and i want the fairy tale.
and he's great, he's so great, he spends over 24 hours with me, and wants to see me again the next night because he's so completely not sick of me. he wants to introduce me to his extended family and he's finally letting me meet his daughter.
but sometimes i still feel like his fuck buddy, not his girlfriend, and that makes me feel even worse because i know it's not true.
but i'm so fucking damaged, and i just want to be number one. i want to be the one that's called pet names and complimented, not the one doing it.
and i just want more than he can give, i think.
and that's distressing.
I'm the girl that stares at the phone and hopes and prays to see something, to hear something... that probably won't ever happen.
i need to stop crying.