chris
dammit why does he have to try to hurt me so fucking much just to say that he cares about me? i dont get it. it really doesnt make sense to me. this is the most recent thing he said. until we start fighting again in like 5 minutes.
What good am I? honestly i want to know. what good is it for me to try so hard, when nothing will ever come out the way i hope. I know you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you and its selfish of me to think that you'll want me in ir for the rest of it. I'm sorry about all this, coz i know im doing you no good. you're parents hate me and theres nothing i can do. you arent happy and theres nothing i can do. im not happy because theres nothing i can do and i know its all my fault. last night i hoped not to wake up, as it would be so much better on everyone, instead i woke up with a large headache. you'd figure after taking all that headache medicin.... ya wouldnt have a headache when you woke up... i was wrong. i know you're going to tell me it was stupid to try because i have a place or some stupid shit but you're wrong you know? I've never had a place...I've never belonged.. even now. y'all may say i belong but i dont. you guys are all so much better than i could ever be, my mistakes bring me down, and i trusted you all with my deepest feelings and... i dont know if it was a mistake or not because i've made so many that i never can tell anymore. i just want to take my life and get it all over with.. last night i wanted to scrape out the pain from my temple with a rusty knife, because it would have made it all better. you could live on without me and find someone who made you happy, i know it can happen you just need to want it to happen.. truth is even if you did i prolly couldnt do it...cuz i'm just that insignificant in this world. if you want to be alone, if you want to leave me, all you have to do is command me, and i will gladly obey. i want to do everything in my power to try and make you happy, even if it means leaving.
just........ dont disallusion me. if i'm not right for you just tell me. it wont hurt anymore than if you didnt tell me, and we went on living this lie.
i dont know what to think anymore..
~Chris~
that hurts me cause i dont like ppl to talk like that. it hurts me. and i dont think he realizes that. he keeps saying sorry but how am i supposed to know that he means it when it keep happening. how am i supposed to know he is being honest. i guess i just have to learn to trust that he means it. but i mean its hard to do that. i cant trust him when every time i do he lets me down. im sick of being let down. im sick of not having someone that i KNOW cares about me. but i cant find that. i cant seem to find someone that makes me happy. someone that i can talk to. i dont have like anyone that i can talk to and they will listen and try their BEST to help me. their best is all i can ask for.....but when they dont even try........that hurts.......a lot. it seems like im in the middle of a room screaming at the top of my lungs. crying out for help....and no one even attempts to help. its like i would risk my life for any of my friends........and i dont feel like ANY of them would do the same for me.....i dont even feel like any of them would try to protect me if my life was in danger....i do everything in my power to help other people and i genuinly care about them, but i dont have anyone that genuinly cares about me.....it seems like people are my friends because they need someone to care about them....and they just use me for that purpose and that purpose only. i feel so trapped and alone. its like i cant escape from this sad place and my heart feels soo heavy. i pray to God for things to just get better and to put someone in my life that is going to change things......but in a way he keeps letting me down.....like dont get my wrong i love him and i know that he knows what he is doing it just doesnt seem like it.....even though i know that he is. i know that with all my heart and i believe that. i just sometimes wish like i knew where he was going with all this, cause to me it doesnt feel like its going anywhere. i just feel so lost. i need help........i need someone that is going to be here. and dont get me wrong i do have some great friends.......acquaintances.....im just a little cynical about a lot of them. idk its weird. i dont know whats going on.....but i have a craving for Arizons lemon iced tea
What good am I? honestly i want to know. what good is it for me to try so hard, when nothing will ever come out the way i hope. I know you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you and its selfish of me to think that you'll want me in ir for the rest of it. I'm sorry about all this, coz i know im doing you no good. you're parents hate me and theres nothing i can do. you arent happy and theres nothing i can do. im not happy because theres nothing i can do and i know its all my fault. last night i hoped not to wake up, as it would be so much better on everyone, instead i woke up with a large headache. you'd figure after taking all that headache medicin.... ya wouldnt have a headache when you woke up... i was wrong. i know you're going to tell me it was stupid to try because i have a place or some stupid shit but you're wrong you know? I've never had a place...I've never belonged.. even now. y'all may say i belong but i dont. you guys are all so much better than i could ever be, my mistakes bring me down, and i trusted you all with my deepest feelings and... i dont know if it was a mistake or not because i've made so many that i never can tell anymore. i just want to take my life and get it all over with.. last night i wanted to scrape out the pain from my temple with a rusty knife, because it would have made it all better. you could live on without me and find someone who made you happy, i know it can happen you just need to want it to happen.. truth is even if you did i prolly couldnt do it...cuz i'm just that insignificant in this world. if you want to be alone, if you want to leave me, all you have to do is command me, and i will gladly obey. i want to do everything in my power to try and make you happy, even if it means leaving.
just........ dont disallusion me. if i'm not right for you just tell me. it wont hurt anymore than if you didnt tell me, and we went on living this lie.
i dont know what to think anymore..
~Chris~
that hurts me cause i dont like ppl to talk like that. it hurts me. and i dont think he realizes that. he keeps saying sorry but how am i supposed to know that he means it when it keep happening. how am i supposed to know he is being honest. i guess i just have to learn to trust that he means it. but i mean its hard to do that. i cant trust him when every time i do he lets me down. im sick of being let down. im sick of not having someone that i KNOW cares about me. but i cant find that. i cant seem to find someone that makes me happy. someone that i can talk to. i dont have like anyone that i can talk to and they will listen and try their BEST to help me. their best is all i can ask for.....but when they dont even try........that hurts.......a lot. it seems like im in the middle of a room screaming at the top of my lungs. crying out for help....and no one even attempts to help. its like i would risk my life for any of my friends........and i dont feel like ANY of them would do the same for me.....i dont even feel like any of them would try to protect me if my life was in danger....i do everything in my power to help other people and i genuinly care about them, but i dont have anyone that genuinly cares about me.....it seems like people are my friends because they need someone to care about them....and they just use me for that purpose and that purpose only. i feel so trapped and alone. its like i cant escape from this sad place and my heart feels soo heavy. i pray to God for things to just get better and to put someone in my life that is going to change things......but in a way he keeps letting me down.....like dont get my wrong i love him and i know that he knows what he is doing it just doesnt seem like it.....even though i know that he is. i know that with all my heart and i believe that. i just sometimes wish like i knew where he was going with all this, cause to me it doesnt feel like its going anywhere. i just feel so lost. i need help........i need someone that is going to be here. and dont get me wrong i do have some great friends.......acquaintances.....im just a little cynical about a lot of them. idk its weird. i dont know whats going on.....but i have a craving for Arizons lemon iced tea